Mid 40's and never had a girlfriend-is it too late?

Yes, there is plenty of hope but it depends on you. You are in luck. I am the person you're describing in your post. I'm in my 40s and just recently about 4 months ago found a gf for the first time in my life. Before this relationship, I had never dated, held hands, kissed, much less had sex. Until about 2 months ago, I was a real world 40+ year old virgin. Now my gf lets me have sex with her almost everyday if I want to. I practice non-ejaculatory sex because flatline is still a problem for me. But enough of that, let me tell you what I learned and how I overcame this problem. I will give you the short version so if you want to know more send a PM.

My eyes became open when I read this webpage: https://menprovement.com/masturbation-addiction/ This page describes exactly what I did and how I felt when I thought my life was hopeless and I was ready to give up like you. You see the problem for me is I used MO as a coping mechanism to get over childhood trauma. It was how I learned to deal with emotional pain. My parents were never there for me growing-up and I had to experience domestic violence, physical and sexual abuse as a child, so I never emotionally matured nor learned how to deal with pain.

As an adult, I felt that I deserved to MO and to use P because I will never have a gf so this was the best thing for me. This is a victim's and a loser's mentality and it's very hard to give it up because it's very painful to do so. I remember crying and being angry over having to give up M and P forever because they were the closest thing to a gf that I had.

In giving up MO like the webpage says, I learned to sit with my pain. I allowed myself to get angry and to cry or feel anything else that I was feeling. It didn't matter that it was irrational or didn't make sense; I had to feel what my body wanted me to feel. Too many times as a child, I pushed my feelings away because my parents told me a man was suppose to be strong and not feel. I went through many days of feeling sad for my situation and being angry at those people who abused me. Eventually I realized that I needed to get better because otherwise my abusers would win.

Yes, it's not fair and it wasn't my fault my life was so f*cked-up, but I had to do something about it because no one is going to help me except for me. Thinking like this is how I finally got out of the victim's mentality and started taking responsibility for my own well-being. Whenever we think everyone is against us or life isn't fair, we take on the victim's role and then things like PMO or junk food or drugs start becoming more enticing because they let us cope. We have to change our mindset first and learn to be uncomfortable and face our fears. I suggest reading David Goggin's book Can't Hurt Me for learning practical techniques for overcoming fears. Start facing your fears no matter how small they are: take cold showers, say hello to good-looking women, work out in public even if you look like a fool, attempt hard things like 10ks and half-marathons, learn complex skills that take time to master like software development or paragliding, etc...

Once you make the leap to overcome your fears, you will have so much momentum built up that it won't take much to face another fear like running a marathon, or giving up addictive habits like smoking, or watching TV, or eating junk food, or asking a woman out or standing naked in front of her and not having any idea on what you're suppose to do. These uncomfortable feelings will pass and then you will realize there was nothing to be afraid of to begin with. When you experience that, you will understand that your potential is damn near infinite and it's only you who are holding yourself back. It's a lesson that I wished I had learned when I was younger.

I hope I was able to convince you that you're not alone in this situation. Don't give up.

 

I'm actually in the same boat. I've been on dates for years now and I it's mostly gone nowhere because I didn't feel anything for the women I went out with. But just recently, like under two weeks ago, I met someone and now I'm absolutely terrified because I really like her.

If you want the truth (and thank God this place is anonymous because this is all embarrassing) I don't know how to handle it. I'm sick with anxiety.

Is it too late? I'm truly praying with all my heart that it's not.

 

Humans are social animals. Not socializing is going to lead to loneliness and loneliness only makes you more socially awkward, which in turn will bring you emotional pain. It’s a problem that only compounds over time and gets worse unless you do something about it.

You should go look into social events in your area. Practice your social skills. I struggle with socializing, too. Your not alone.

Your an adult, not a child. You don’t have your parents to answer to or anybody else. Only you can change your circumstances.

 

Never to late like many have said confidence plays a big role. Just try going to a few social events near where you life a simple hello can sometimes lead to something special happening.

 

I must say in some aspects, its too late. Again, my own experience - it will be hard slash impossible to share life completely with someone. I cant imagine sharing a living (same flat) with anyone. That makes a long term classic relationship impossible. Family as well.

Its because ive spent too much time alone

 

It is your choice to decide that it's impossible to be in such a relationship at that age. Giving up before even starting.

I won't say it will be easy, but it is possible to be in a relationship with someone. The challenge will be letting go of isolating ones self. In a relationship both sides will have to compromise, no way around it. That means letting go of having things exactly our way. Honestly though, this is true for getting through life in general.

Perhaps the right person for you is someone who also highly values there own personal time. Having time together is important. Having time apart is just as important.

 

Hi, so I guess you have spent 40 years without living with anyone and u speak from your own experience? How was the readjusting going for you?

I just describe my experience, not sure who you are to denounce it.

I just simply do not want to share a living space with another person every day. Sound like nightmare to me. Its how it is for ppl like me, who never did it and are now adults. We dont even want that anymore and its common occurance.

 

I like the last 2 posts, I resonate with both.

 

I see people getting married in their 80s. There is literally no time limit with relationships.

 

Sure they never had a GF in their life before, and never lived with anyone before. They just turned 80, found 1st gf and married her. Yay.

 

Because that’s totally what I said. Yay.

 

One of my friend's was dim as a doorknob. He seemed to just get it and I never understood why... I knew I had confidence but never that language or charm to attract Woman out of the normal attraction level's, always the fairly attractive ones I had.. I know exactly how you feel.

 

No but its a topic of this thread, in case u forgot. Its the situation the thread poster is currently at.