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Very exhausting journey...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by clairecsx, Dec 14, 2021.

Page 2 of 3
  1. Dec 16, 2021 #21
    p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Really long post, just point out a few thing in the beginning.

    So he basically never worked in bed for the entire relationship. Why are you with him?

    This is posibily a red flag. No woman deal with him for 20/30 years... didn't you ever wonder why he was single for that many years? If no woman desire him for that much time, there is definitively a reason.

    Again, he is like that. He is 50 years old, he is not going to change.

    It really don't seams this way. A very experienced woman will know that his guy have a lot of red flag and will never been wasting time with him.

    Yes, normal heathy woman will dump a guy like that. If you are putting up with all this crap then you probably don't value yourself, no matter people tell you that you are attractive, if you put up with all this crap then you don't belive that you are attractive enough to be with a guy better than this one.

    No you are not, you just dated for less than two years. Just let him go and be confident that you can meet a guy that have his shit together.

    Final words, is not your job to fix him. Is his own job and if he is doing nothing or not getting any better then you should walk away, because if not he is going to bring you down with him.
    I want to reinforce that if you are putting up with a crappy relationship like this, then you have something wrong going on in yourself too, figure that out, get your yet together and you will see that is so easy to get ride of people like this that bring you down.
     
    p1n1983, Dec 16, 2021
    p1n1983, Dec 16, 2021
    #21
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  2. Dec 16, 2021 #22
    Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut
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    Hi Claire,

    I read your story and tried to really hear you.
    I'm in the midst of my 40 's now. I put crazy effort in my recovery for the last 10 years and finally I see some fruit developing in my life. To be honest,
    it was a lot of work.
    It was hard working.
    It was a lot of hard working continuously!

    Recovery is a total life changing process.
    People can reach 500 days on will power but if the deeper issues are not faced and processed enough, a fall back is quite easy.

    Reading your story I read a very lot of red flags. Alarm bells ringing all the time.
    One question comes on my mind immeditately.
    If you are such a good looking and attractive young lady, why the heck are you staying with the person you are in relationship now?
    What exactly keeps you with him?
    Is it only to solve the issue, the question for yourself?

    What I see clearly is that you become an addict as well.
    First you met an addict, but the longer you stay and let in all the toxicity you become an addict as well.
    You become totally entangled with his problem.
    Do you really want this?
    Do you really need this?

    A few things popped up reading your story:
    I would like to give a short reply on them:

    Communication is a total important first thing in a relationship.
    If he doesn't show you any improvement on the communication area for the last 18 months, what do you expect for the next 1,5 year?
    For example, I have improved my own communication skills:
    By following assertiveness courses
    By reading all kind of psychology books
    By talking about my issues with other addicts, with my pastor, with a coach, with therapists.
    What did he do so far to make it possible to communicate correctly with you?

    Recovery is a life changing process where the addict finds his true identity, where he learns to choose life for himself first, discovering what he likes to do, discovering his "purpose" maybe.
    It's not seldom that when an addict wakes up, the partner (if he is in a relationship) is just a burden for him.
    He sees he needs space for the first time in his life maybe.


    For some reason it's not safe enough for him to show himself his vulnerability to you.
    I've learned that a man needs a father to help him. Men need fathers to grow up healthy.
    With all respect to your good intentions to help him, I'm afraid it will not work out well.

    If a man really want to work on his issues, he will open up and love the truth and honesty more then anything else.
    If he refuse to talk to the lady who is the most close to him, that is one huge red flag for me.
    You should seriously ask yourself if you are the one who is gonna change that.

    So far I can see, you are the one who wants that support. It seems he does not want support. At least not from you.
    You want this relationship to work, and I can understand that to the fullest!
    But if he is not with you in this wish, you have to make your conclusions.

    You mentioned the words "pride" and "shame".
    I don't know if he is talking the truth when he says he didn't watch porn for the last 18 months, but what I see is that he has a long road in front of him to work on his real issues as porn is just a plaster to cover the wounds.

    The only question is why in the world should you want to share your life with somebody who is lazy, doesn't have his shit together doesn't have any fire in his soul to compassionate love his girl.
    What brought you both together actually?

    I feel your need to connect with him. But the more you try, the more you are throwned upon yourself.
    You are not seeing the bottom of his heart. I always speak clear language and I try to do that with all the kindness of my heart, but I know what it is to be an addict myself, I know what it is to deny, to push away, to pull myself back.
    I only feel grateful that that all is behind me.
    Today I have my shit together when it comes to my issues, my past with addiction, my identity, my forgiving the ones who hurt me, my business so my finances etc etc.
    The best decisions came when I wasn't in a relationship with a woman.
    I needed to create my own life first, needed to decide what I want what I need in life.
    So what do you expect from him for the - let's say - 5 years?
    What do you expect from yourself and your own life?
    Do you really want to be the troubleshooter and life saver for a man who is still numbing himself?

    The only one who is working here, is you.
    You are working hard, he is not.
    So again, why don't you let him go and honor yourself a better man who has his shit together?

    If he only should be able to become vulnerable to you, I'm quite sure his little buddy would work again.
    His dick is not the problem, it never is. He has a lot of other issues he needs to face.
    And imho sex is never a goal in a relationship. It's the ultimate expression of love and care and connection.
    Sex always comes áfter having all that good conversations. COmmunication comes first.

    The shame is forcing him to hide himself.
    To me, it feels (I say: feels) that he is using his porn stars to cover his problems. Still.
    And after he has used his drug he comes to you in the dark to finish his urges.
    Maybe and hopefully I'm wrong but that's the most logic explanation for his behavior.

    I'm so sorry for you for having going through all of this.
    Please take care of yourself and prevent yourself from a miserable life because somebody is not ready to start his recovery.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2021
    Roady, Dec 16, 2021
    Roady, Dec 16, 2021
    #22
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  3. Dec 16, 2021 #23
    clairecsx

    clairecsx Fapstronaut

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    Hi t
    Hi there and a massive thankyou for this really helpful advice. I’ve been battling not only with this issue but him as a person the whole relationship and YES your exactly right.. in why on earth am I choosing to put up with it. I love him SO much, and definitely on a deep level if the sex isn’t included so to speak, but at the same time starting to view my worth more now. It’s late I no, I’m not going to sugar coat it, but as much as I’m switched on etc the love has blinded me. I foolishly thought things would improve..they did hence I kept on going..but realised it was all fake as the only reason sex happened was because he secretly took the blue pills. The honesty and trust just gone and that’s massive for me . I am aware I can get better yes, but I no il need to get over this ugly experience first, and heal as it’s totally weighed me down as you said.im trying to remember all you asked so forgive me if I’ve not succeeded due to poor memory. I’m a big communicator so having someone who isn’t is extremely bad for me. I haven’t elaborated on the outcomes of what happens if I try to end it.. this is why I haven’t but here goes. And yes I no this is emotional black, honesty it’s been SO tough and hard to talk about as it’s quite unusual..! But often I’ve felt lonely and unworthy .. especially 18 long months and still feeling this way... so I txt him as he sadly doesn’t talk. I instantly get shut down and everything is totally deflected onto me rather than the actual issue with him. Il get ignored sometimes for days, this I struggle with as the atmospheres are cold and childish infront of my daughter. But when I say I just can’t do this way of life anymore and have every good reason to say so, I get threatened with suicidal threats.The last few months have been so horrendous it’s becoming normal but I no full well it is absolutely not! He takes loads of pills when next to me, childishly gets lots of drink and sits in silence drinking it with the tablets to make me feel rubbish basically for ending it. I’ve had to call police, they search for him early hours coz he runs off and leaves me feeling horrible and with total worry.ive had to witness him tying things around his neck,once got a knife and sliced his body. Immature as anything I’m aware carved loser and worthless in his arm. Totally deflecting it all like I’m some bully just for reacting to having no intimacy etc. I deserve more as I’ve been patient and yes the old me back in the day would of walked immediately..!! But I find because of the suicide threats I stay.i feel sorry for him. He has no life really and has created a very sad lonely life until I came along. I feel all my purpose was.. was to teach him who he basically is..! But again with too much pride it’s like getting blood from a stone as I make very valid points all to be dismissed. Weirdly got this pride but god knows why, I believe typical narcissistic traits only.So il say what drew me to him at the beginning.. strangely enough mental health. We bonded over that, I took my time with this one as I’ve been thro similar before ( a guy with a porn problem) and I’ve been cheated on so I made sure I tried to do things differently.. pointless I guess. We chatted and messaged for about two and a half months before meeting up. I wanted to develop something meaningful and slowly.. we also had a lot in common. Of course I didn’t no what was to come. So to answer why he was single so long I can’t fully answer but he’s quite shy, and where out of work for so long ( due to headaches) he’s on the sick so he was at home a lot.this then creates boredom and of course time on his hands total access to porn. I now weighed it all up, headaches probably caused from being online too much, no kids no real responsibilities..! Meets me and learns what damage has been caused.the love is there but I very much believe he likes the set up for convenience.I believe it doesn’t matter how attractive I am.. it’s variety he obviously must miss! He’s never really been a talker but I realise only when I’m expressing myself which rather understand chooses to see as a personal attack. It’s just such hard work.i have enough so often as yes it’s breaking me if not broken,I spent the last time we argued guarding my front door to stop him going out.. as he had alcohol and packed tablets again.yea most say it’s a cry for help and they don’t really do it but where he only has me.. I can’t help but feel he’s unstable and could do something. What hurts massively tho is .. I lost my dad to suicide and to still use that over me is disgusting. I no I no I must leave this very toxic childish man.. but my heart gets the better of me.he even messaged his mum to say goodbye last time I ended it. It’s cruel and keeps me stuck . I actually feel trapped in this way of life. :(
     
    clairecsx, Dec 16, 2021
    clairecsx, Dec 16, 2021
    #23
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  4. Dec 16, 2021 #24
    Kitos

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    Thanks for the reply Claire, hope the solution to your struggle is near ;)
     
    Kitos, Dec 16, 2021
    Kitos, Dec 16, 2021
    #24
  5. Dec 16, 2021 #25
    Roady

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    As you know that honesty is the first thing to do, I want to be honest with you.
    I think you can handle that as you say you are so hungry for honesty in your relationship.

    Can it be just a strong dependency between you and him?
    You made yourself dependent on him as he is dependent on his crack?
    Is it really love? Or is it something that you project on him?

    Yes I see. A relationship should be in balance on all kind of areas.
    You are not gonna change him.
    Do you accept that as a truth? A real clear truth?
    Can you accept him as the way he is now?
    Are you able to love him as he just is?
    If your answer is yes, then go for it.
    If your answer is no, you have to make a choice.

    How did you feel before you met him?
    did you never felt lonely or unworthy when you was single?

    Big red alarm flags. I only see red flags.
    Listen to me please.
    Manipulating is never - ever gonna make a relationship work.
    If he says he commits suicide, he is playing the victim, trying to load a very-huge-and-enormous burden on your shoulder. But that only works as long as you agree with him.
    He is playing with your sincerity, your feelings and your carings. He is manipulating you.
    Huge red flags all over the place.

    Please listen.
    The only one who is responsible for his well being - is he.
    Only he is responsible for his life.
    You are already so entangled with him and his problems that you have took that responsibility as it was yours.
    It's not. He is responsible for himself, for his problems, for how he misuses himself with porn and whatever he does.
    He is responsible for taking the necessary steps as seeking help, become a member of nofap here, start reading books and so on.
    He, only he is responsible for himself when he poorly may choose to step out of his life. That would be terrible, that will cause much hurt, but in the end it's only his choice. His responsibility.

    You - are - not - responsible - for - his - health.
    You even can't be responsible because you cannot steer his free will.
    Oh if you was able to love him without any condition and for an endless time, maybe that love will be able to create the wanted changes, but as a Christian I would dare to say: you are not Jesus....
    Wouldn't I do the same thing? Wouldn't I try my best to do all I can to safe another person with suicidal thoughts?
    Once I did. I wrote a letter to somebody who was talking about suicide a lot. I wrote him a letter where I talked honestly to him.
    I told him about my own life, that I found the love of Jesus in my life and that that helped me a lot.
    I also told him that I believe that suicide will not solve the problem.
    The guy is still alife.

    It should be clear that your wish for intimity is legit. It's totally understandable.
    He knows he wants that too but poorly he's so f##ked up that the only way he can express his frustrations is by being angry and manipulative. A strange but understandable language if you could look deep enough in his heart.

    But again, huge HUGE red flags.

    It seems to be a very normal and understandable beginning of the relationship. At least I can understand.
    But you should have been able to see the first signs of a bad person.
    Lonely, no job, no self care so no self worth and so on.
    And in stead caring of yourself, you start trying to care for him. That's where the toxic entanglement begun.

    Oke, that's just another lie.
    Does he really only has you?
    Listen please. He can go to a doctor. He can go to a counselor. He can reach out to a 12 steps program.
    He can start hunting the internet for help, he can walk into a church and beg the pastor to talk with him.
    There is so much he can do.
    Please get rid of that lie that he only has you.
    Probably you want that to be true because of your own inner needs, but it's not the reality.

    Ahw man, that is so terrible. I feel so sorry for what you had to go through in your life.
    Yeah, I mean what can I say? Only thing i can do is say a little prayer for you, from my own place somewhere on this planet...

    [....... ]


    I would like to thank you for sharing this with the forum. I really hope you will feel safe enough while sharing that.
    These are deep things. And sometimes it can help to share it with a stranger. It can be a first step in the process of healing your own heart.

    So far as I understand you, you feel so sorry for your partner in his situation, because of what your dad did?
    You are afraid that he will commit suicide and you feel guilty because of that.
    Oh my .... what should have become a wonderful relationship has now become a nightmare for you.
    Yes that can give the idea for being trapped.

    Are you able to talk with his family and try to find a solution for him? A place where he can let himself help?

    I think you need to find a way to give him his responsibilities back. He has to know that only he is responsible for what he does or not.

    And then you have to decide what you want with your own life.
    Or you have to decide what you need at this moment.
    Ever thought about visiting some professional helper for yourself?

    /edit
    I was overthinking your story again, and I think the most difficult part in your story is where you need to care for the other and where that stops.
    Because there is also a need for caring about yourself.
    I have discovered that only YOU can decide where the need for the other stops. Boundaries.
    Then the next thing is how you communicate your boundaries to the one who is crying for help.

    I really think some therapist can help you to entangle this in a healthy way.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2021
    Roady, Dec 16, 2021
    Roady, Dec 16, 2021
    #25
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  6. Dec 17, 2021 #26
    clairecsx

    clairecsx Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    thankyou and yes me too. I decided to end it today, now I’m dealing with suicidal attempts again. I need all the strength I can get as in getting really sick from this not to mention unwell. It’s very selfish and him constantly playing the victim but it’s me who is the victim. I did see my Christmas ( not just the last 18 months) getting ruined.. so here it is..! All this support is overwhelming, it’s really refreshing talking to people who wish to communicate!
     
    clairecsx, Dec 17, 2021
    clairecsx, Dec 17, 2021
    #26
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  7. Dec 17, 2021 #27
    clairecsx

    clairecsx Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou so much for your advice and heart felt message. I decided to end it today. My mental health is drastically taking a nose dive... he is now drinking an “again” taking pills. The blackmail is constant. I’m punished for having a voice. After reading everyone’s advice this time I’m going to leave him to it, I’m sick of it all now. It’s cruel. I acknowledge this massively and don’t deserve it! All this help really helped steer me in the right direction. He had many chances to change and being with someone who is smart and loving sadly wasn’t enough. His family are lovely but only go by the extremely short and watered down version of what is going on. They don’t no the real story that he’s damaged by porn, instead he cruelty slates me to his mum saying I’m insecure ( every right to be) and think he’s watching porn.hea poison in many ways. I don’t think, I no, no man healthy if that had erectile dysfunction for no reason..! I’m not going to be a victim to this narcissistic man anymore. Sadly his poor mum replies to me with “ but he loves you”, I don’t hold anything against her/ that, she only knows his version not mine. But love isn’t this, right now at this very moment he’s trying to actually commit suicide. I’ve had to go through this way too many times. I need to start saving myself and this forum has given me the strength in doing that.
     
    clairecsx, Dec 17, 2021
    clairecsx, Dec 17, 2021
    #27
  8. Dec 17, 2021 #28
    +TenPercent

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    I imagine that being 50 years old (I'm 47 myself, with decades of porn, fetish and fantasy addiction) might be one contributing factor. Moreover, 18 months might not be enough time to rewire his brain and body after 30+ years of porn use. And, is it just porn that he's off of? I have been off of porn for a long time now, but still struggle with masturbation and fantasies.
    Communication is the most important thing for the relationship. His willingness is the most important thing for his recovery. Simply giving up porn is not enough.
    It does sound like you have ended it with him, but this is also all very recent. I hope that you find peace (and love!) as you move forward and I hope that he finds the recovery that he needs. I honestly feel really sad for your boyfriend for having lost a woman like you.

    Wishing you love and courage going into the holidays. This may feel like a terrible blow, but I can assure you that you have many wonderful and glorious days ahead of you.
     
    +TenPercent, Dec 17, 2021
    +TenPercent, Dec 17, 2021
    #28
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  9. Dec 18, 2021 #29
    Roady

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    Hi Claire,

    It makes me feel happy that you find some helpful support here.
    That's the power of this community. Get helped and helping others.

    I know how hard such a decision is that you have just made.
    And yes, you now can expect attacks and beggings.
    He now will try to pull you back into his darkness to cover his own pain.
    He will continue to try to make you responsible for his misery.
    You made the decision. Now it's your responsibility to stick with that choice, no matter what.
    If you still need to communicate with him, be as clear as possible, but avoid discussions with him.
    He manipulates you? Point him to the fact of all the sources of help available (I hope that this is the case in the country where you live).

    The truth about the "love" of that mother is a bit different of course.
    She is trying to protect her own son.
    Why in the world wasn't she able to raise her son the healthy way?
    A mother - son bondage is a strong one. And without debt I see there is a lot of fear between these two.
    So don't be surprised if she is gonna attack and manipulate you as well.
    If the mother would know about real love, she wouldn't stick to her son so strong. Nothing but red alert flags!

    You need to save yourself.
    Yes, and that's the highest truth here.
    Receive and embrace the loss and the disappointment.
    Take the time to grief and mourn. Spend much time outside as oxigen is doing miracles sometimes.
    For sure you know best what you need.

    I would like to say, now that you have come to this point, please use this forum to work on your own recovery.
    You can keep a sort of diary where you can vent whatever you need to throw out. So that others can reflect on it.
    And if the time is right and your heart points you in that direction, don't be ashamed to reach out for some professional help for yourself as you have been involved in massive heavy toxic and poisoning entanglement.

    There is also a special forum for partners of addicts here on nofap.
    That's here
    Please check that out. Women communicates better with women.
    They probably understand your feelings in the right way.

    Please try not bother too much about Christmas.
    The time that everybody "seems to be happy with too much foods and wine'. There is a lot of emptiness in the world.
    I hope that the real message of Christmas will warm your heart from heaven.
    Personally I found a love there, that's beyond everything else. Thanks to this love I was able to let go of my own addictions.

    Wishing you all the best.
     
    Roady, Dec 18, 2021
    Roady, Dec 18, 2021
    #29
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  10. Dec 18, 2021 #30
    Kitos

    Kitos Fapstronaut

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    You've got to do what's best for you!
    I really hope that this situation will be finished soon as nobody deserves to be unhappy because another person can't manage his life. From my part, I decided to be alone till I'm able to solve my own situation by myself because I don't want to make suffer anyone...and time alone can get me the clarity of mind that I need to make it happen and be ready for anyone the destiny will put in my life in the future.
    Keep it strong Claire!
     
    Kitos, Dec 18, 2021
    Kitos, Dec 18, 2021
    #30
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  11. Dec 19, 2021 #31
    WantsToQuit2021

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    It's the right choice.

    You can't change an addict. They need to change themselves and want to change. Waiting for that is futile.

    Many times someone will believe the words addicts tell about changing. But Words are cheap, actions speak louder.

    That's why if you are in a relationship with an addict, you have to set clear boundaries and a deadline.
    If by the deadline nothing has changed, then you have to end the relationship, because it will never change.


    It sucks but it's like that.

    You are a good person for wanting to help him. But it was indeed time to move on.

    So go enjoy your life! You deserve it.
     
    WantsToQuit2021, Dec 19, 2021
    WantsToQuit2021, Dec 19, 2021
    #31
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  12. Dec 21, 2021 #32
    clairecsx

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    Thankyou for your really heartfelt message. I’m sorry it took a while, as you know I’m still battling with this very dark toxic cloud hovering over me. I tried to end the relationship, try isn’t enough, I understand, but I forever get it turned around... the classic “ I’m better off without anyone”, “everyone’s better off without me” is constantly said! I’ve endured SO much, I replied to more posts today too.. so if you wanted to read there’s a lot there!The relationship is so damaging and I explained in one reply how hard it was to leave someone who wants or says they want to commit suicide because I lost my own dad to that and never fully recovered. I do no I need councelling myself for a number of things but all men related. This relationship mentally tho has by far been the worst. I appreciate your reply and honesty tho, it’s so nice and overwhelming how many give support.. giving me faith in the human race as many have let me down! If I was a person giving advice to someone writing what i did, I would of said get the hell out. It’s unbelievable how much strength I used to have, I’ve endured jealous and violent relationships and walked out.. yet am still finding I’m stuck here because he holds that one thing over me the suicide card.
    I agree about all you said tho, his mum is lovely but like many don’t realise just how much porn has damaged her son. Her niceness has enabled him to literally sit at home all day ( before he met me) just doing him, day in day out. No responsibilities.. just looking at women. I at the receiving end am looked at in the worst light- in his eyes- how dare this smart woman come along ( could be anyone to be fair) and tell me my porn has damaged me! How dare she take away my fun, my sleeping in when I want, wake when I want, only cook for one..! This is how I view he views me! He didn’t have to be in a relationship and many times I’ve said il set him free of such an apparently bad relationship! Yet all he’s ever got from me is love, honesty, truth, depth, emotion, help, support! I didn’t force him to join a date site either. But it feels I’m totally resented in turning his Perfect but damaging life around. I changed him ( most aspects) for the better, years sitting in doing nothing, he now goes places with me as a family,he now socialises, does normal things! I’ve taught him how to cook “decent” meals, not meaning patronising but truthful he has gone away from being with me a better version of himself! Yet.. I have only endured pain, confusion, misery, lies, dishonesty, I’m even accused of alsorts when I go out! He’s made me so unwell I actually rarely go out.. and I can only count on one hand the times I did! He’s actually his happiest when he knows I’m off our to do shopping or visit my sister. It’s so weird. Naturally in my head I then feel this is when hel get that chance to binge on porn.He was so angry I took extra desperate measures in stopping this rubbish by taking away his amazon fire stick which I truly believe has all his content on! This absolutely infuriated him. He actually hid my.. sex toy, what’s even weirder is I’m doing things to help the situation yet all he saw it as was I was treating him like a child!For obvious reasons I need my toy, he can’t / doesn’t get it up.. what on earth am I ment to do! It’s a nasty childish relationship and getting worse by the day.
    I need to value myself more I do , I’m giving it a deadline by feb.I must stick to it, I’ve been through worse I keep telling myself and will get through it!
    This man clearly doesn’t care to what it’s doing to me.
    I totally broke down on the weekend.. it was also ironically the anniversary of when I lost my dear dad to suicide.. guess what.. that actual night ( and the next) he took lots of pills and used that on me. What kind of a person does this inhuman behaviour knowing it nearly killed the person he loves before. I never got over it and he’s making me re live it all on a very regular basis. Why can’t he accept I need to get away from this for my own sanity? Go back to his like most do when split up, to work on himself, to get recovery in place?! To better himself for himself not anyone else? The problem is I’m dealing with a person with a very non understanding manner, warped and childish mind so everything is impossible! Yes it’s really pulled me down but I do no it’s wrong and believe more than ever how wrong he is for me.so many narcissistic traits and sadly I keep attracting men like that..! It’s just getting tedious everything bit just the intimacy! His whole personality.. as the months go on I’m seeing more and more unattractive things! When he first started seeing me, for the best part of a year at mine ( it was a gradual move in type thing), he not lift a finger just took the bins out! So everyday I’d cook, buy the food for the three of us ( my daughter too), now I’ve taught him how to make decent meals etc he chips in which is good but took over a year! Basically now, hel use anything over me to make himself look good! This is a guy who spend most his life not working, on the sick, doing nothing all day and eating ham sandwiches! Now if say I don’t cook dinner which a few times I’ve not done as he’s made me that ill I’m bed ridden.. hel be all patronising and use it against me that he’s doing it all bearing in mind I did for over a year when he first stayed if that makes sense! Another thing quite shocking..he had a dog when living at his, it can’t stay at mine as I live in a flat and own a cat! But because he slept in till 4 pm and went to bed about 5 am in the mornings.. the poor dog would only be taken out for walks early hours of the mornings like 3 am .. this was so that he’d get the dog out the way to see/ toilet etc so he could lay in longer! I find it so unattractive but did take me a while to work it all out.. as I don’t know anyone who walks their dog at 2/3am. This way of life isn’t normal and me showing him normal he didn’t like! I feel I’ve endangered myself and got broken in fixing him! All at my expense and the little thanks or none at all I get is disgusting. I need to constantly remind myself of all this on a daily basis to get me the strength in ending it! It’s only working for him, not me. It’s very one sided. I feel how he is now is because he’s at mine, so has to act a certain way, so this then enables him to see me as the bad guy. I no full well I’m not and I think he hates that ..! Hates when I need to end it hence using suicide against me,so it’s more than just the pied I believe he has, in general he’s damaged all over because staying in all day watching porn will naturally make a person turn into some unsociable weirdo. He doesn’t/ hasn’t worked so the toll it’s had had made him awkward and really he’s just still that teenager he once was when meeting me! Because I want normal basic things from a relationship this scares him as he hasn’t had it! So I’ve had to work a million times harder but just to change this pied but him as a person! This is why I’m just drained, I have become a human lie detector, always at the ready to spot things/ look out for things/ deceit..! He used to hide the blue pills which put a plaster on it all basically to shut me up! And wonders why I have anxiety and insecurities? Then when he saw a doctor recently.. the doctor even said to “hide it” from me!!! So if society is working against me what faith and trust can I get if not from a professional giving out that type of advice?!?! The problem I have is how he hopes I’d just forget all he’s done, and heaven forbid should I have insecure moments which is very natural considering all he’s put me through..! I’m basically an inconvenience, one time I had a panic attack as he was going to get the food shop.. but because he secretly got the blue pills before, naturally this affected me and assumed he could get them again! I was made to feel very wrong for feeling like this and got told..” why choose, choose being the key word” to say this when I’m going out! I mean does anyone normal choose to feel anxious? Again it’s like talking to someone deaf, no a knowledgement or empathy what so ever! So how do I expect a relationship to work with such little feeling and emotionally dead! It’s kust very refreshing hearing everyone’s answers although I do know it. I do need to get help myself, it will take a long time to personally recover from this experience before I ever consider choosing to date again! :(
     
    clairecsx, Dec 21, 2021
    clairecsx, Dec 21, 2021
    #32
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  13. Dec 21, 2021 #33
    WantsToQuit2021

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    In my last relationship, my ex was having suicidal thoughts. Its not the same, she never threatened me with it. But just by having them it was hard for me to leave her, since I was afraid of what would happen.

    Eventually after 1-2 months I ended it. After she had some time to herself, she asked if I wanted to end it longer, and I answered truthfully.
    She actually said that she wished I had done it sooner so we weren't in a relationship I wasn't in anymore anyway.

    Now again, very different situations. But from what you are telling, I doubt it will get better in the next 2 months, it might escalate more since he knows you want to leave?

    Good luck, Crossing my fingers for you that it all turns out okay.
     
    WantsToQuit2021, Dec 21, 2021
    WantsToQuit2021, Dec 21, 2021
    #33
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  14. Dec 22, 2021 #34
    Roady

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    It's very good to vent your thoughts and heart here.
    You really are in a tough period so talking about it is the first thing you need.
    I hope, I really hope you will feel safe enough here.

    No need for a sorry.
    This is your journal and you decide if and when you give a reaction.

    The truth is: people has power over you as long as you agree with it.
    People has power over you to manipulate you to stay (....) as long as you agree with them.

    One choice is enough to end this manipulative game.
    One choice....
    To be honest, that's not his job.
    It's your job to care about you.
    You have tried to do a lot to safe his life, but for what reason?

    Look Claire, I've done this myself. It's called: people pleasing.
    I 've pleased my girlfriend and crossed all, yes ALL my boundaries.
    At all cost I prevented myself for losing her.
    When the time was finally right, I broke up with her and finally I gave myself the space to do my own homework.
    There was a lot of pain inside of me I wished to cover. And I've misused her to cover that pain.
    Now I've gone through my own pain, I feel free in my spirit and pure in my heart.
    Now I'm able to step into a relationship.

    What is exactly your reason to stick with this guy and try to save him?
    I guess you have some home work to do as well!
    Can it be that you made him a distraction for your own pain?

    Please, turn it around:
    Why can't yóu accept yóu need to get away from this for your own sanity?

    Only you can give an answer on this question....

    Are you sure you want into this hell another 2 months?
    If I were you, make that choice and organize it before Christmas.
    The sooner you leave him, the sooner you can start your own recovery....


    A red flag for yourself. It's time to let go all men and look inside of your own heart.
    You seek for a plaster, a distraction all the time because of your own unprocessed pain.
    You need help Claire.

    THe question is: when do you finally stop trying to fix him and start fixing yourself?

    It's not working for him at all.
    If you are trying to fix him, he never will start fixing himself.
    You are maintaining his problems Claire. As long as you agree with his sick and zero-productive lifestyle, you help him in keeping him that way.
    The sooner you get rid of him, the sooner you give him the change to help himself. It's not your business if he really does that or not.

    Do you know what Claire? Sometimes the greatest act of love is to leave somebody.
    Please read that again.




    After reading this all I only hope:
    Make that decision soon!
    Don't wait until Februari.
    Choose today and give yourself rest.
    Give yourself the care and attention you need
    Give yourself the recovery you need.
    Give yourself whatever in this world you need.
    But please, leave this man as soon as possible.
     
    Roady, Dec 22, 2021
    Roady, Dec 22, 2021
    #34
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  15. Dec 27, 2021 #35
    James-London

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    hey Claire,
    You seem to have some good insight into yourself and your own traumas. I would agree with you (and everyone else) that you are in a toxic relationship, but I don't think it is helpful advice when people say - "its easy, just end it!".

    I am sure there are lots of reasons why you don't want to walk out on him: you don't want to abandon him, you want to make sure he is OK, you really care about him etc. Maybe another option is still be part of his life as a friend (or even his carer), but without actually being in a romantic relationship?

    If you choose to stay in the romantic relationship, maybe you should ask yourself why? Do you worry that you may not be good enough for someone else? Maybe there are some unresolved traumas and insecurities, particularly regarding your father's suicide?

    So you have 3 choices here: a) stay in a romantic relationship, b) leave the romantic relationship but stay as his friend/carer, or c) leave the relationship and cut ties. Whatever you choose to do, I still think it would be great if you could do more to look after yourself. One thing that helps me a lot is exercise, and another thing is meditation. Also maybe find some hobbies that you enjoy and can feel proud about. It is also good to meet new friends - but make sure that time with friends is about time with them, and is not spent talking about your partner.

    As others have said, it is not your job to fix your partner. He can change, but will only do so if and when he chooses. I do not think it makes sense to try to hide his porn or control his behaviour. But if you want to try to help him, I would instead encourage him to start doing other worthwhile activities. He can download a jogging app to measure his progress, and you can also monitor that. Just jogging for 10 mins per day is a great start. After that, try to explore simple and achievable things he can do that will make him feel proud of himself. Maybe this is some charity work, or maybe a hobby etc?

    Regarding the porn issue, I disagree with many people on this forum. I don't think someone with a severe addiction can immediately stop all porn use. As with the above advice, the way forward is to: a) measure and record all porn use, and b) make small incremental improvements. I am using a wall planner and I put ticks and crosses to mark successes/fails.

    After you have done your own healing, I think you will likely feel you are better suited to somebody else. I think the only question is whether you want to leave him now, or whether you want to help him along his journey a little bit first...
     
    James-London, Dec 27, 2021
    James-London, Dec 27, 2021
    #35
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  16. Dec 28, 2021 #36
    clairecsx

    clairecsx Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou ever so much for that! It’s lovely the support I’m getting and your right about all you have said! We’ve tried intimacy the last week now and improvements are there! I am thinking is this because rather than do it bang on bed time which is when he chooses to have sex, pitch black etc I turned it around to initiating it during the day! I have tried in the past btw but this is what’s happening now.. it’s been so different! There seems to be more response.. maybe stating the obvious but it’s not pitch black when we do it so to speak, also instead of this mundane routine he chose straight after bed, it’s more spontaneous.. rather than planned meaning he’s more in the mood or it seems?! I personally think it’s taken the pressure off his performance because when he chooses to do it at bed time, lights out etc.. it’s so predictable the routine he follows..I think that is actually more harmful because he’s putting pressure on “himself” there! So ... so far so good! Yes still a massive long way to go I no! Miracles done happen, it needs work! I did feel quite weirdly offended tho when .. his bits got aroused to a vibrating back massager! Again yes slow progress between us is better than nothing, but it was just like a slap in the face seeing how quick he got hard to a back massager... and usually with me, my touch, my tongue...it takes well over an hour!!!! He found it funny ( it is to an outsider yes), But I felt humiliated especially after all I’ve been through the last agonising 18 months! Who would of thought it, I wouldn’t get him hard but a machine could! Probably enjoyed the Christmas present more than me... obviously! Still not sure how to not take that personal... anyway your correct that I should leave because it shows so much lack of respect the whole thing. The way he put himself first in all of this has damaged me, even when I chose to help. The thing about him as opposed to many on this site, he sees me saying he’s got pied as some personal attack rather than think., oh hold on she’s actually right in all she’s said! Narcissistic traits are much harder to deal / communicate with, the bottom line in their case is having to always win,so me stating he has pied ... an example of admitting it is I’ve won! Sounds like a childish game and if you ever read about narcs that’s exactly what they are! Childish, selfish, etc etc, very good question why do I stay with this man. To hear many say this is now.. the embarrassment stage, I feel I’ve let myself down by giving him the length of time I did in staying. I remember thinking right at the start a good 3 months in this is a big challenge but also a damaging one! I tried to leave SO many times believe me. I understand it’s a choice but I’m still battling that horrible he has over me using that suicide card as I lost my dad to that. Infact today was the date of the funeral all those years ago.. it’s painful. But sticking to the point..I’m aware this is no good for me, but right now I’m enjoying the positive changes during intimacy!i only told him lastnight relapsing can happen and if I ever experience what I have done in the last 18 months I’m out. I am stronger I think now to let it go as I was back then.. because now I’m fully aware of what’s to come if he relapses again. He has a choice. I won’t put myself through it again as it was the worst time of my life! It affects us SO much especially if it’s denied like what I had! Being with someone not very understanding and considerate is very hard .. especially at a time like this where this is definitely every partners nightmare! I’m attractive and still I have to compete with this stuff on the channels men watch.. I can’t help but also think he wants me to feel this way, as most pointed out he’s jealous of me, I’m younger and am a person who takes pride in their appearance. But yes I do need to respect myself much more than to tolerate this awful way of life! I’ve had the ups and downs ( literally) so I’m no fool on knowing any moment things can take a nose dive again.like I said tho, I no now what’s involved and what pain comes with that not to mention rejection and so if it happens again.. I will leave. The ball is literally in his court, he now knows the damage( not too sure he cares), but he’s aware of what he has to do his end, there’s nothing I can do my end. So time will tell, but I will not be allowing it for another 18 months! Again thankyou for your kind but real words!
     
    clairecsx, Dec 28, 2021
    clairecsx, Dec 28, 2021
    #36
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  17. Dec 28, 2021 #37
    clairecsx

    clairecsx Fapstronaut

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    Hi! Thankyou for taking the time to read and reply to me! I very much agree with your thoughts thinking about it properly! I need to be realistic and so understand how you got to your answer as much as I hope for miracles and a fast paced unrealistic recovery! You mentioned I need to love myself, your right in saying that.. and everyone needs to before entering a relationship, the sad truth here, is I actually did love myself, until he broke that? If that makes sense. I was a very confident woman, independent etc, yet trying to figure out what was going on with him stripped my soul in the process! I’m at the stage of healing even tho he’s still with me. Sounds mad I no, but I’m in a much head strong place as opposed to when I first started dating him. But yes I’m still damaged by the what ifs, the how long can I enjoy my happiness before he chooses to take that away again and looks at his apps! I’m saying this based on how things are now, we’ve had intimacy the last couple of weeks and for once there’s improvements! I’m actually having sex!! I explained this to the previous guy who posted to me, but in a nut shell rather than do it when it’s lights out bedtime, mundane routine he chooses, I decided when I wanted to have it, I was sick of following this.. mundane matter of fact kind of evening routine, and chose to do it more early eve, lights on, still awake, and can actually see me! I personally think regarding this, he used to put pressure on himself the way he did it, it was where he felt he had to do it, adding nothing but pressure, where as doing it spontaneously.. I believe really does make a difference! So... so far so good, I’m very aware things can change so I’m not keeping my hopes up too much and Better to stay realistic in this ugly situation! It really is like a disease.. it’s truly unbelievable how this stuff damages not just men but the human race!!!when are things going to be put in place to avoid the newer generations from experiencing this! It’s unbelievable how much it’s hidddn,for example there’s an erectile dysfunction advert and they state all symptoms like cholesterol, obesity, anxiety.. nothing is mentioned about porn what so ever! Let’s think about it, men were known to get this when they “get old”when things are naturally going to go abit south.. this is just plane insane for young boys to get this in their teens and twenties!!!yet it angers me because the cycle is actually enabled because all doctors do is put a plaster on it ( blue pills) and problem solved! There just needs to be more information on this than giving men a plaster and away they go! I can’t believe how things are on the rise for alcoholism, help in that, anxiety, but this is still going strong!! I believe the money is made from porn so this is another reason it has a big blind eye to it! But look at the damages, it’s real, it’s destroying, I felt extremely suicidal on the receiving end! If women ( real ones) and partners weren’t here.. would you men even have the need to stop looking at porn.its just horrible, it’s the only word I can use in summing up the whole thing! It also makes me very angry, women attractive like myself attacking ourselves because we just are t enough because of all the perfect women you choose to see! It gives us issues and huge insecurities.. when does it end?!
    Anyway, sticking to the point, yes your right in needing to love myself first, like I said I did till this whole experience broke me. It truly shatters decent, attractive but women in general in so many ways! It makes you constantly on edge, I often feel I do need to leave this relationship as how I was treated/ abandoned and how he chose to deal with it was toxic, but at the same time because I no ALL men look at porn, sorry my personal opinion, how could I even relax with any future relationships knowing this is what men do! Seriously how would men ever enjoy life if it was the done thing that their lovely girlfriend would be pleasing herself to other hunkier fit men on a daily basis? Yet this is ok for men to do it plus give them lifeless penises and sex drives so we have to literally go without?! It’s definitely true when they say it’s a mans world. It’s just the whole package, the insecurities, the living in fear, the what ifs! Like I said. Things are ok atm.. but what’s to say that can soon change should he decide he needs to say look at two girls making out or something?! It does ruin a good person! It’s the worst thing in my opinion and still angry to why nothing more is being done because of it..! Just given blue pills and that’s it.. it’s actually really insulting!!
    So with regards to your questions, why don’t I just have a friendship with him? I’ve said this so many times to him, bearing in mind he’s only thinking of himself all I ever get back from that is no I don’t want just a friendship! It’s hard work discussing anything with a man with this intelligence, it’s buza because he’s actually quite clever, yet is he deliberately avoiding this or is he just completely emotionally dead?! I have said what we had /have is exactly a friendship, as there’s no intimacy..!!! I believe he just can’t part because of a fear I may find someone else . It’s all been hard work it’s the only way I can sum up this 18 month relationship! Dead end answers I say. So that’s the answer to that one.
    Another was to have hobbies, of course, it’s healthy either way in a relationship or not. I do, I enjoy walks, photography etc yet when I was so deeply into the damages of how I was treated in the earlier stages of the relationship, all that just stopped because your too focused on trying to work out what was going on with the pied! It made me ill, I’d constantly feel low knowing I actually wasn’t being wanted because my man liked pleasuring himself to other women.. this is seriously how it is! I can’t sugar coat it! So it’s no wonder hobbies went out the window, I’m an attractive woman get the person I want intimacy from the most wasn’t interested in that with ME! It is soul destroying. But yes I am now out of the red as I put it, in not struggling like “I used to” this doesn’t mean I’m tolerating it!! It just means I’m stronger with what’s going on.. and more so knowing it’s not me .. the problem as I could of been anyone.. he dated. It would of happened to them too because of the damage caused!so I’m less attacking myself but it’s a weird one because as much as I’m not having anxiety attacks etc now, it’s still in my head that whole ugliness of thinking is he/ when is he looking at others! It’s just wrong. Why are men doing this while in relationships.. they are making this choice and need to start realising now what it’s doing to the person they love. It’s so hard to put my point across without sounding .. horrible.. but I just say from my heart, from my pain.
    But things so far are good, yes I’m no fool to change.. everything can change tomorrow, next week, the thing is now I’ve told him everything, gave a deadline, expressed the damage it’s doing to me.. if there’s no continuous improvement I’m gone. I’ve set boundaries and told him to his face what is causing it all so it really is HIS choice now in either fixing us but more so him.. or to chose porn. He had the help, he turned it down, ignored me, infact still denies he has it !!! So time will tell now that’s all I can do is wait. In the meantime, I do like who I am, he also sadly was damaged before even acknowledging he has pied, and I’ve said it so many times to get help before dating or get a break to sort himself/ issues out!he fears this as that means going back to his house! This needs to be done tho! But he doesn’t because he knows when back there hel start looking at porn again! ( and I no full well he does when we’ve split before)! So it’s a nasty situation of what the hell does he do! This break needs to happen but sadly he has no control ( it seems) in any task that needs to be done!so this is why I’m at my wits end ( and shouldn’t be!!) but because I’m with someone extremely awkward! I’ve just not heard of a situation this ugly and hard work! Most couples have a break, it’s needed, it’s healthy.. yet how can a porn addict do this because once I’m gone he porn binges begin!.. it’s the most ugliest experience I’ve ever had! Constantly thinking and constantly getting headaches from this! I’m sick of doing all the work yet he’s happy to just go with the flow! This is why if it happens again I have exhausted myself to the point of no return and rightly so because I no this isn’t what life had planned for me ..! Trying to think back to the other questions you said but il send this first ok and have another look! But thanks for getting this far!
     
    clairecsx, Dec 28, 2021
    clairecsx, Dec 28, 2021
    #37
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  18. Dec 28, 2021 #38
    James-London

    James-London Fapstronaut

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    hey Claire,

    This porn/mastrubation issue is definitely a serious addiction. Unfortunately, it is not recognised as a real disease by the medical profession, or by most of society. But I think that is slowly changing.

    Many men look at porn/mastrubate on a regular basis, but it does not mess up their lives. The way you know if a person has a porn addiction is that when they decide they want to stop, they are not able. The same is true for alcohol addiction, or any other addiction.

    The second point is that healthy men will look at porn for fun. But porn addicts look at porn to manage their anxieties and cope with emotional trauma. I am sure that everyone on this forum had some difficult experiences in their childhood, and porn developed into a way to cope.

    But back to your post - your partner's PIED is definitely not about you personally. What happens is that brain gets used to only getting turned on by porn/mastrubation. So when a real woman comes along (any real woman), there will likely be PIED issues. So the problem here is the addiction, and not you.

    Finally, I know you complain a lot about your partner. But you also want to find a solution and stay with him. Progress can be made but it will be really hard work and it will take a long time - if he works hard at it, he might start to see results in 2 - 3 months.
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2021
    James-London, Dec 28, 2021
    James-London, Dec 28, 2021
    #38
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  19. Dec 28, 2021 #39
    clairecsx

    clairecsx Fapstronaut

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    Very much agree! Yes hard work on his part as he’s not really doing a lot to help this! Just turns a blind eye to it hoping hel miraculously be cured and ok one day! It doesn’t work like that! As you say he needs to re wire himself to actually respond to a real person! Writing this, it’s just incredibly sad how it’s affectes society! They want to look at women yet their body parts fail to respond to one.. it’s awful! I tried to remember all you said but one was you can’t hide his porn or do certain things. I simply don’t. I believe if a person really wants to do something they will! He has times where he can do anything behind my back, but for him I’ve wised up to it all now and it’s only him who can change and save this relationship. Many can’t stop, hence many relationships fail. It’s sad, but true! Time will tell and il keep you updated! Maybe one day ( wishful thinking) like how nature intended.. one person/ woman would be enough for a man.. I won’t hold my breath tho, this issue needs addressing and fast... it’s ruining men’s bodies and that’s not right! Thankyou for your reply tho, I really appreciate it! Have a happy new year too!
     
    clairecsx, Dec 28, 2021
    clairecsx, Dec 28, 2021
    #39
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  20. Mar 28, 2022 #40
    +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut
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    @clairecsx
    I'm grateful that I stumbled across this post. It helps so much to hear your perspective! It hits close to home given the similar circumstances of my relationship to that of you and your (now) ex.

    Just recently I had sex with my partner, had to stop after 20-30 seconds to avoid premature ejaculation and switched to oral - a method that usually works for me but this time I quickly lost my erection. :oops:

    Reading your post helps me to see how I have set myself up for failure (by having wanks) and how I am failing to give my beautiful girlfriend the sexual performance that she deserves. As an addict, I will rationalise in my mind that it is okay, perhaps even beneficial, to have a wank 3-5 days before the weekend when we might have sex. I rationalise that it "keeps the juices flowing" and will trigger the chaser effect so that I'll have greater desire for sex, and more arousal, on the weekend.

    In reality, I think it backfires. :oops:

    I end up less likely to initiate sex on the weekend and more likely to wank again the next week. This last time, I did give my girlfriend oral pleasure (I always will do that to ensure that my partner has an orgasm) and she seemed satisfied - but I'm sure she would have rather had me orgasm, too.

    After sex, and no orgasm, I feel like I have done some extreme edging! :eek:
    Its a real struggle to have intercourse and not orgasm . . . but as an addict I immediately think that I have a great opportunity to have another wank. :rolleyes:
    Instead of turning to my partner for more sexual intimacy, my inclination is towards self pleasure.

    Reading your story, and how incredibly disappointing it was for you to be with a partner who loses his erection during love making, really helped me to see how important it is for me to not masturbate. I hope that I can hold out. And I am so grateful for all the SO's who share their experience and perspective because it helps remind me how destructive a "little wank" can be. Thank you.
     
    +TenPercent, Mar 28, 2022
    +TenPercent, Mar 28, 2022
    #40
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