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My Journey to Happiness and Peace

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Blondewife, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    I echo what others already have suggested: If what you said -- no matter what it was -- caused the end of this marriage, then it wasn't any kind of real marriage to begin with. I'm sorry, but I can't think of anything my wife could have done 5 years before I even knew she resided on this planet that would make me immediately divorce her. He clearly was looking for a way out. If you hadn't given him an opportunity to do it, he would have found another one.

    Bottom line: No way this is on you. No way. Stop beating yourself up about it. Feel sad for your friend (although this may be for the best if their marriage was hanging by such a thread), but you're not responsible.
     
    Limeaid and HippyMinstrel like this.
  2. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Thanks everyone for the support. As always, it's very appreciated. I talked to Haggis about the blockers and I was wrong. I don't know much about computers and I went to the wrong place- he uses the K9 web browser and I went to another browser. Completely my fault.
     
  3. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    OK. I feel a need to clarify things for a moment. @Blondewife doesn't necessarily know the correct way to phrase things, as she doesn't understand computers in a really technical sense. Hopefully this will alleviate any confusion or concern on anyone's part. I feel a bit like a right-fighter here, but people are worried and I don't want them to be.

    I do not use a different browser or anything on my computer. I use Firefox as my browser and have K9 installed on it as a protective measure. It has never been uninstalled or deactivated since I put it on there more than 7 months ago. I occasionally have to research things for work (I work in graphics at a print shop and also do some freelance work). K9s search results are very narrow in scope (by design) and it works great for 95% of what I need. Say I'm looking for a specific texture/background/clip art/etc for any particular project, K9 very seldom returns the kinds of things I need. K9 doesn't allow you to search through Google, so I would occasionally temporarily enable google for 15 minutes while I found what I needed. There are two options to click when you do that: enable for 15 minutes, or enable permanently.

    Last time I used Google, I must have accidentally clicked the permanently enable feature for google.com. I haven't had to do any intensive web searches for some time, so I never noticed the mistake. I usually go directly to whatever site I need (like Mapquest or Wikipedia, or whatever), I seldom need to search for anything. When my wife got on yesterday to look up directions, her search for "Mapquest" brought up the google search for mapquest instead of a K9 search for mapquest and she got scared that the "blockers were down". I assured her that it was still active and explained what was going on, I even showed her that it was still installed, with my full internet history available and everything. I tried to reset the defaults on it and didn't see google as an "allowed website" so I thought I had re-enabled the K9 search feature and thought no more of it.

    This morning, she went to look up her school schedule. I had powered down my machine and windows loads the MSN homepage by default when you boot up Windows from a shut down. She typed her query into the MSN search bar and got Bing results. I evidently did not properly reenable K9 search and plan to do a full reinstall on it tomorrow so it's properly enabled.

    Her concern today was not with me. She mentioned it in her post but we've had numerous face to face conversations today and the root of her sadness/concern was over her friends impending divorce. She feels she bears responsibility for what happened and the guilt of that was eating her alive. That's not the case at all, as her friends husband is a monstrous asshat and would found an excuse sooner or later. This just happened to be it. She made that post on 2 hours of sleep this morning and was still wrecked with her feelings.

    I'm sorry if this is coming off as defensive, and I generally don't post things like this on her journal, but several people have expressed concen about us and I wish to lay your fears to rest. My blockers are alive and well, as are we. We're both a bit shocked and taken aback by what's going on with her friend, but other than that we're doing just fine. I'm not the slightest bit mad at anything anyone has said, as I know it has all been said out of love and supportiveness for us both. We love all you guys and this site.

    Stay the course. Always stay the course.
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2015
  4. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for clarifying that Haggis. As I said, I'm not great with computers and I don't always understand the proper way to explain things either. It was a big misunderstanding and I'm sorry that I brought it up.
     
  5. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    Never apologize for bringing up something that's on your mind, babe. Your thoughts and concerns are always valid to me :)
     
  6. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    I'm feeling a little bit better today. I got much needed sleep last night and started school back yesterday. I wasn't able to concentrate all that well and think about my friend pretty consistently but I can't do anything to help her. Her husband doesn't have the best temper and I agree that he may be over reacting on this subject. He just can't get over the fact that she lied to him. While I agree that lying is terrible, I think that she was just too embarrassed to tell him. I thought she had told him or I never would have brought it up. I'm worried about her.

    Haggis and I continue to progress nicely. I misunderstood the blockers and jumped to conclusions that I shouldn't have. Sometimes my brain goes back to old habits- I'm working on it. We continue to have great sex almost every night. He still finds himself worrying about his erection but I think all-in-all we are working through that. He also doesn't last very long even when we have sex every day. I think this embarrasses him a bit too but I continue to remind him that we've been together for over 9 years and he shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed about anything around me. I will continue to remind him of this. I have school again tomorrow and plan to start memorizing the list of 300+ drugs that my instructor has given me. I have to know all of them for upcoming tests and everything about them. If I start now, I should be very well prepared. This will be my first whole semester without the feeling of impending doom on my marriage, I very much look forward to that.

    I need to get up early tomorrow and clean and prepare dinner before class because I have to be there earlier on Wednesdays. I pray that my friend and her husband will work through this.

    Good luck everyone!

    P.S. I think it is important for me to thank @Sun Bro and @Strugglesaurus for always being there for us no matter what time it is and no matter what you may be going through at the time and even when we have our pissy moments. We love you both.
     
    Haggis likes this.
  7. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    No man who has had sex with his wife every day for 3 weeks should be worrying about his erection. Just sayin'.
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  8. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    MAJOR TRIGGER ALERT............. PLEASE DONT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED......





    So the other night, I said I told my best friends husband something about our past. Well we were in a threesome together when I was 17-18 (can't remember the exact age). I figured she had told him. She hadn't. He threatened divorce for days and said he was taking their son. I have been beside myself for days. I get a call last night from her husband spouting a bunch of random shit about her telling some random guy about her boob job and "did I think that was right". Clearly there was no right answer for me to say. I was on speaker phone- she knew that he was talking to me about this even knowing how upset I had been since Sunday, she let it happen. Then many text messages later and me continuing to apologize like a moron, he texted me and said I could make this right if I had a threesome with them. I was pissed- Haggis was pissed. I stopped talking to them right there. I barely slept last night after all of this. I have a very messed up past (as many of you know) but I refuse to be treated like a piece of meat by one more man on this earth. I expected to get a call or text from her today apologizing for the way he acted yesterday (although I know he wouldn't have told her about the threesome comment). I did not hear from her all day. I get a call at 10 pm. I answered and she said her husband said she could no longer talk to me if they were going to make this work. I was actually expecting this and had already told Haggis I would step aside and let her make her marriage work. I then said "what was his reasoning?" She said it was because I called him a drunk in a previous text message. Which I did and he is. He was threatening to take her son away and I know he drinks too much. I said Ok. Did he also tell you that he said I could fix this if I had a threesome with him? She said no. She decided to stay with him anyways. I was very upset at first because how could my best friend treat me like this? Then I had a revelation. My best friend would never treat me like this. My best friend would never choose someone who acts the way he does (calls her a whore, a piece of shit and much much more) over me. I thought I would be missing out on having her in my life but she made her choice. My best friend loves me and puts me first. It wasn't her. My best friend has been there for me through this whole thing- she hasn't. My best friend has held me and told me none of this was my fault- although she said it wasn't my fault, she has not been what he has. My best friend stayed up with me last night and supported me- she didn't. I get to go to bed every night and wake up every morning with my best friend. I am blessed.
     
  9. seventyniner

    seventyniner Fapstronaut

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    Let me put it this way: You and Haggis have been swimming towards smooth waters for the past months, and the distance you have covered is beyond awesome. Your friend and her husband are still in the center of their chaotic maelstrom, and have a very long way to go apart from having to decide which way to swim in the first place. Right now, you could not save them if you wanted to; they are thrashing around in the water, adding to the chaos and hurting everyone who comes near them.
    Keep swimming. Keep swimming! Hold on to your smooth waters, defend them if necessary - you have FOUGHT for them! If and only when they go weak, stop thrashing around and are about to drown, then you can decide to move in and save whatever there is to save. Or hand out floaties and call for help. Until then, the fact that you have a chaotic past together doesn't mean you're obliged to sacrifice your shining present for a chaotic future.

    Thank you for sharing - and thank you for the trigger warning. Sending strength your way!
     
  10. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    It's sad when friendships end, but sometimes they have to end. Maybe some day she'll come to her senses and see how horribly she has behaved and try to repair the damage she's caused. Or not. But you don't need to get caught up in all of their drama. @seventyniner said it best: Keep swimming!
     
  11. Hi @Blondewife. I just caught up on your thread - hugs. That sounds like a sticky situation; any "friend" who treats you that horribly isn't truly a friend. You and @Haggis both deserve nothing but the absolute best that life has to offer, and that includes friendships with reliable, honest, trustworthy people. @The Eleven had it right on the money when he said, "It's sad when friendships end, but sometimes they have to end." Life's too short to have toxic individuals in one's life. Hugs and mojo to both you and Haggis for getting through this. If you need an ear, feel free to PM me. Even though I haven't posted in my journal in a little while I check Nofap multiple times a day.
     
  12. Karma

    Karma Guest

    Hey @Blondewife,
    I just read your post and felt like I could chime in my 2 cents. Mine's slightly from an Islamic perspective and I thought I might be able to share. First of all, both you and @Haggis are amazing to have come this far. You two serve as an awesome inspiration to us (especially to the younger crowd).

    As for what happened in the past, the past is the past, it happened, there's no changing that. In Islam we believe that Allah (God) veils our sins for us, it's akin to placing a blanket over our previous past and starting with a clean state. What's extra special about this is we get to keep the good deeds as a sign of mercy. It's tough to say, but use those experiences to move on and grow and flourish. I mean one way of looking at the bright side is you know have a much better comprehension on what real true love is like (@Haggis).

    I also remember Haggis talking about diluting the bad with the good? I think he used a sea metaphor, that's akin to "drowning the bad with good".

    Exactly! Stay strong sister.

    -K
     
    FutureWithHer, Blondewife and Haggis like this.
  13. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    YES!!

    People change and your friend needs your compassion now more than ever. Imagine being a woman who turns their back on their best friend so they can appease a man who calls her a whore and threatens divorce because their wife had a stupid threesome when she was a teenager? That is a woman whose self esteem is so low she cannot get any lower. Take some of the love that you and Haggis have and send it her way. She sounds like she needs it :(

    Stay strong Blondewife you are amazing!
     
  14. @Haggis & @Blondewife :



    Fantastic Haggis!This is what called a positive change and its all worth.



    Communication,patience,trust,understanding,respect they all are pillars of a good married life.Good going sister Blondewife!


    God Bless You Both!
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  15. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Okay, I'm back. I've taken some time off of NoFap to get my head together a little bit. Haggis and I are doing fine. He hit 230 days today and I am so happy about that as is he. We continue to move in a positive direction. We had a little spat last night but worked it out and are looking forward to having some time together and a very yummy meal tonight.

    My friend called me today and left a message saying that "she couldn't not talk to me" and that she still wants to talk but we can only talk when she is at work. I don't know how I feel about this. I know that her husband is checking her phone logs and making sure she isn't talking to me but I don't think I like the idea of having a friendship based on when it is convenient for her. I hate that she is in such a toxic relationship but this is her choice. She could leave him and have a healthy life for her and her son. She says she is scared to leave because she is worried he will take their son. She asked me to call her back at work but I don't think I'm going to. She has some stuff she needs to work out and I would prefer not to have a secret friendship. Not to mention, I got blamed for a lot of shit recently and I know I would get blamed if he found out that we were talking. He made it a point to have her call me and tell me that we could no longer talk- right in front of him. I had come to terms with no longer talking to her and I don't know if I could go through that again.

    Okay, enough about that. Haggis and I had sexual relations of some sort about 6 times this weekend. I think he has his confidence back! I'm looking forward to starting The Walking Dead over again with Haggis tonight and eating leftovers from last night. I made a mini Thanksgiving dinner and made WAY too much (as usual). I'm looking forward to talking to Haggis tonight and seeing what he thinks about my friend situation. I love having his input about this stuff. Man, I love him.
     
    HippyMinstrel and DanVT like this.
  16. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @seventyniner , @The Eleven , @Gamerwife85 , @Karma , @Limeaid , and @Selfdiscovery for your kind words of encouragement! I am always so pleased by the support Haggis and I get on this site. Hugs to all of you.

    I would like to spend more time on the site like I used to but with work, school and being a wife, I find it hard to find the time. I woke up this morning nice and early and made Haggis some French toast for breakfast and sent him off to work. This is something else I would like to start doing again. I used to wake up every morning and make him breakfast but since the move, I haven't gotten back in the habit. I will work on this. I have a couple hours to deep clean the house before I leave for class and then have enough time to get home and finish up anything I need to before Haggis gets home from work. I also need to make a quick trip to the grocery store to get a few things.

    I have been feeling pretty great about us lately. I hardly ever worry that he is looking at P anymore (although every once in a while the idea will pop in my head). He continues to be a completely different person than he used to. His mood hasn't changed at all and I know that if he was looking at P, he would have gotten back into the rut he was in before. No worries there. I think he has confidence back because we don't have any issues with ED anymore. We actually had "interaction" 2 times in about 20 minutes which I'm not used to and then another time later that day. There was a time that I was lucky to get it once every 2 weeks- now, he wants it every day. It's awesome.

    Well, I better get back to cleaning and getting ready for class.

    Stay strong everyone! You WILL see the benefits :)
     
    The Eleven and Gamerwife85 like this.
  17. DanVT

    DanVT Fapstronaut

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    Glad to hear that life is back on track for you two!
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  18. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Dan!

    Good day so far. I got up again this morning and made breakfast for Haggis, a habit I'm trying to get back into. I got some errands run (had to get a couple birthday presents for friends), got the house cleaned and dinner prepared. I have work today and 2 papers to write. One of my really good friends wants me to go to her house tonight- we are planning her wedding and I'm Matron of Honor. Hopefully I can get my papers written so I can go see her.

    My ex-friend who I've talked a lot about it previous posts called me again last night (I didn't answer) and then emailed me. She doesn't understand that she is putting me in a tough position. I was told point blank 2 weeks ago that she couldn't talk to me anymore because her husband didn't want her to talk to or see me. Now, he is checking her text history and her phone history to make sure she is following through. So what does she do? She calls and emails me from work. I can't have a friend that only talks to me from 9-5 on weekdays and that I never see and can't rely on. Plus, I would be the one to get blamed by him if he caught us talking. This is ridiculous.

    Haggis and I continue to grow every day. We are very happy with each other and he is generally a happy person now. We got home yesterday and he grilled us some dinner and then played his game for about an hour. We watched some TV together, had our daily sex and went to bed. Although my life is a little hectic right now, it feels so good to have him by my side and to know that he is being completely honest with me. I see all these relationships around us filled with lies and deceit and am so thankful we are no longer in that place. He has changed so much in 232 days, I am so hopeful for the future!
     
    DanVT likes this.
  19. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Everything with Haggis and I continues to go very well. He continues to be very loving, supportive and understanding of my feelings. I am having a lot of trouble now. It seems that now that I don't have to focus on his problems anymore, mine are coming back with a vengeance. I didn't treat Haggis all the well when we were dating (about 8-9 years ago). I cheated multiple times and admitted it to him. He forgave me a long time ago. I, however, have not been able to forgive myself. Most of his friends know about it (our town isn't all that big) and I worry that they still judge me. I have not messed up in a very long time and I've been doing my best to make it up to him. For the past couple of days, it's all I can think about. Now I worry that I am driving a wedge between us because I just don't feel like myself. I am not happy, I am not secure, I am having horrible nightmares and now find myself worrying if he is still clean. I feel that he deserves so much more than this. I tell him all the time that his past does not define him- why can't I take my own advice? He keeps reassuring me that he forgave me a long time ago and doesn't even think about it anymore. My conscience is very heavy. I even went as far as to text his friends that I though knew about my past behavior and told them that I was pretty sure that they knew and I already admitted it to Haggis and he forgave me. That I would never treat him like that again.. Etc. Not that it is really any of their business but I thought it may help to clear the air. Now I feel even more anxious. I don't have time to feel this way. My life is non-stop with school, work and being a wife yet, I'm letting this impede my life now. Something that happened almost a decade ago. I need to start running again because it is a natural anti-depressant but some mornings, it's hard to just get out of bed. This morning, I got up to make Haggis his breakfast but was so depressed, I just went back to bed after 5 minutes. Goodness gracious.
     
  20. DanVT

    DanVT Fapstronaut

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    First off, *hugs*

    Have you told Haggis about this? The depression, the heavy conscience, etc? I mean, I am sure he could read this, but a conversation might help more.

    When we make mistakes, are action define us. You are doing the right things, but you are not being relieved of your guilt. This is not something Haggis needs to forgive you for again and again, but something you feel you should still be punished for. And you are punishing yourself. Maybe there is something that you didn't say, something you didn't explain, something you are still hiding? Are you worried that you can't trust yourself to not do that again? Because I think you are strong enough not to repeat that mistake.

    If anyone is driving a wedge, unfortunately it is you. Driving that wedge, while not wanting to, isn't logical. You need to stop, back up, and figure out why this is invading your thoughts. Meditate or something. And if you don't have time, make time.

    PM me if you wanna talk more about this.
     

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