Ballbusting

Yeah that's how I'm kind of looking at it. Not ideal, but better than doing way worse. It is a victory over a very strong urge that almost conquered me.

 

Is it okay if I had a private conversation with anyone on this thread? There is a lot on my mind right now. That I just want to get off my head.

 

Feel free to PM me. But remember also that this is an open and kind community, and others interested in this thread might benefit from hearing your story when you're comfortable sharing it.

 

Alright I shall hit the hay pretty soon so tomorrow I will post my story here.

 

I'm really fucking up. I have been talking to a dominatrix. But I think I'm going to stop talking to her.

 

If I am being honest, I haven't had much experience with women but sometimes I just can't help but think about mutual domination sometimes I'd like to trap her in some stocks, or blindfolding her, but other times I would like for her to bust and drain my balls, or just blue ball me until I break, either wat I think about messed up ideas about sex I should probably stop.

 

I think what I'm getting from the latest turn of this thread and my own thinking, is that part of the masochistic or submissive desires that we experience even though it's not really who we are, come from some kind of guilt/shame. I mean, that's a pretty prevalent emotion on this forum. We all feel bad about addiction to something that is a substitute for something we don't have as much of as we think we would like. That's just one layer of it too, it gets into this whole insecurity about ourselves in emotional and sexual relationships.

So then maybe it's almost survival instinct to want to give control of our sexuality to some girl who seems to have far better control of her own.

 

Well guys... I talked to a dominatrix but then went as far as deleting the email account I had been using to communicate with her. Two days later, I made a new account and just emailed her moments ago.

I know exactly what prompted me to do it though. I looked at these pictures of a girl I used to have a crush on. Not P, and I didn't M or O... but I looked at her lustfully and started to physically feel bad. Next thing I know I'm emailing this dominatrix I had been in touch with previously.

So I guess add guilt, mostly subconscious in the past but now conscious... guilt about my relationship with women and with my own sexuality. I feel like I deserve a good kick in the nuts for staring at some chick online without her consent and having never really had her romantic interest the way I wanted.

 

I've had similar thoughts. I actually found religion to be a positive thing I came across somewhere along the lines of my NoFap quest and other struggles I was facing. Try to look at it the positive way, not as a list of "dont's" from the church meant to make you miserably bottle up your sexuality, but a list of "do's" that don't include the sinful ways we can act in pursuit of relationships or whatever else we think we're pursuing.

One way I have kind of viewed my engagement with this darker area of sexuality is that it was an endgame for what I was doing wrong. Like... I did things A, B, and C that were not the right idea of how I should relate to women / think of myself, sexually... eventually they led to Z (ballbusting), which if no subtler way of telling me I was doing it wrong, was the most overt and clear way of suggesting that.

 

Well, first of all, Merry Christmas to everyone on this thread who celebrates the same holiday as I do. Good things to the rest of you as well.

Secondly, I have a plan tonight. It came to me suddenly, and it's something I've done before for unrelated reasons. But right now, to fight the urge... I currently have a glass of water in the freezer. Once it's really cold, I'm going to dip my balls in it. I don't think this is like fapping or getting kicked there by an attractive woman... but something tells me that on a deeper and healthier level it will serve the same purpose. I think it's what we were talking about with the other act being an attempt to reset masculinity.

 

One of my former dommes and I have been texting back and forth lately. We met up briefly and just talked and she gave me a shoulder massage but then had to leave unexpectedly.

She has been wanting to kick my balls for money. I have so far resisted the urge but right now I’m really struggling guys.

Everything else in my life is falling apart and I have honestly thought she could do me some good doing that to me.

I continue to resist. Please advise.