Insights & Advice For People Living With Paraphilia

Why are you coming up with these scenarios, when nothing has happened?

 

Hey friend, just wanted to ask (sorry if you mentioned it) if you have any sort of a meditation habit? Meditation for me was the most important key to breaking out of a cycle of invasive, critical, and self-judgmental thoughts.

If you haven't tried it, I would definitely recommend it. If you have, try making it a daily habit. Just 10 mins a day (I do 30 but started with 10). Besides the wealth of other benefits (supported by countless research papers and medical practitioners) you will also develop insight into your own mind and its behaviors. More importantly, you will develop the recognition that you are in control, not your "thinker", and your mind is a tool just like your hand, but it is not who you are.

Google mindfulness meditation or look into the Power of Now book.

 

I love animals too. Nothing wrong with that.

 

I feel the paraphilia has lost its power over me. And I stopped giving it power over me.
If I choose very consciously I can revive the arousal, but I don't have reason for it any more.
As I said, if the wound is healed, the plaster has become unnecessary.

I can't describe in short what I actually did to grow over my fetishes.
I wrote a lot in my journal about it. Maybe you find it helpful to read.

 

I can weigh in here a little bit. I don't share your specific fetish, but I do have my own long-time and very uncommon (though safe) fetish which is not always compatible with a "normal sex life". I have engaged in satisfying this fetish before with previous partners, but I was always bothered by it because it's nontraditional and it's not likely my partner would derive pleasure from it other than the pleasure it would give me.

What I've found is that by abstaining from porn (I'm at around 110 days now) and masturbation, I hardly ever think about it anymore. I still think that deep down the activity of this fetish would bring me sexual satisfaction, but I've let my body and mind "reset" and I have noticed myself become unbelievably more attracted to women in a more traditional sense. I've become deeply aroused by the sight and movement of women on the street and by the occasional thought that slips by of "I'd like to touch them" or "wish they would touch me" type of thing. It's possible that I will "have this fetish" forever, but it's clearly diminished in my mind and it has been seemingly matched in extremity by my natural desire for vanilla sex.

Note that around day 70 I engaged in back-to-back nights of sex and I was so happy to have a partner that I didn't even think about my fetish and was just happy to be with her and enjoy the nighttime fun.

 

"Do you think that I can undo this" I absolutely think so, yes.

Look, after all you are a biological mammal, which means that there is a part of your animal brain which exists specifically to create arousal in your body from external stimuli. Now, most males are wired to be aroused when they see women, and it sounds like that part of you exists, though possibly it is a little buried right now. However, you have a very negative association in your brain with sex. That's not a problem, actually.

Imagine the following example: every time you eat chocolate, you feel a painful electric zap. More chocolate, more zaps. Over time, you would barely taste the flavor of chocolate anymore, you would just associate the food with pain. Eventually you would stop eating it because even though the flavor is delicious, it's masked by the pain. Even if the electric zaps stopped suddenly and you ate chocolate, you'd still not be able to enjoy it. That's a Pavlovian response. It seems clear to my non-medical mind that you simply have a negative association with sex. Where this came from and how exactly it manifests in you physically (nausea, fear, aversion, or something else) is actually kind of irrelevant. The important point is that any association can be reversed with proper therapy, meditation, and time. The brain is an amazing organ that always repairs itself to some "natural state". That's why you see stories on this site of men in their 50s that have been using pornography for decades and, after some time abstaining, they regain sexual function and youthful arousal levels. It's simply an exercise in breaking pre-conditioned thought patterns that have dug a groove into your brain so that the natural wiring of your brain can fire as normal. I hope that made sense.

 

I do understand that you are worrying. I think it's part of the growing up as you are just 16 years old, in the midst of your puberty. It's good you ask your questions but I would love to see you would have a father there in real life to answer your questions.
I really believe if you just walk your path, and willing to learn things you will become oke. Things cost time.
Don't worry too much about if you will feel attraction to women. When the time is right, you will experience that.

Probably you can find some information / study material about shame.
Shame is a real blocker. Therefor it's amazing you are opening up here about your issues and I just hope you will feel safe enough to continue opening up. At least that has helped me to get rid of my own shame.
The therapist is also there for you to help you through your shame.
Believe me, you will gonna feel much better.

I see you are a believer in Jesus Christ. I am a believer in Him as well.
God is on your side. He promises us that if you confess our mistakes (our sins) He will recover us and gives us peace.
Put your trust upon Him and He will help you in your recovery. He loves you no matter what you did, or did not.

I don't know. Only the man in the mirror knows that
My development of my own fetishes started at 12 as well, and looking back, it was in my thoughts since 8 years old.
But I found out my own core issues. These are so deep, that they are not easy to find. But during that process I got rid of my "need to use my fetish".

Accepting yourself is of course an important thing. And the first thing necessary.
We all find a way that work for us because yes, we have a life to live and obligations to follow.
For myself I found out using my crossdress fetish only sometimes didn't work out well.
As soon as I bought some stuff, there came some spiritual bondage in my head.
As soon as I got rid of the bought stuff, the bondage disappeared.
For me as a Christian, I see that it is Gods way to show me the way and learned to trust on Him.
So I can say, it's even something spiritual, when it comes to crossdressing. That has helped me to get rid of it completely. I'm not suppressing anything because I feel more peaceful than ever.
But that does not mean I cannot revive the fantasies. But knowing where it will lead me to, helps me to let it sleep.

I did a little research this week and I think these 2 terms can be used next to each other.
Imo A paraphilia is a fetish, but is every fetish a paraphilia? Does it actually matter?

I agree with your last sentence. I did a crazy amount of research myself and have learned to see "logic" within things.
I think it can help you if you do some research about attachment theories.
A crossdress fetish is in fact an attachment issue. For some reason you crave "female attachment" that has to give you
a sense of safety and security. That was at least the case in my own life.
Every time I felt unsaved, insecure, unheard, unwanted, un..... the need to dress myself came up and the sexual arousal was the way to cover the deepest wound.
You actually should forbid yourself to dress up for let's say one year, and then when the hunger become really strong, you gave yourself the possibility to investigate your emotions and needs.
If you treat your fetish as an addiction, there must come a time you are forced to face the reason you want to dress.

I studied a lot of areas that are closely connected to sexual fetishes, or sexual addiction.
So although there might not been written a lot of books about fetishism directly there is at least a lot of information already available to help understanding yourself.

One book title I can share that may help you: Unwanted from Jay Stringer.
I yet have to read it but the cover promises a lot.

I don't know the book you quoted. I will have a look on it.

I like the way to express this: compartmentalized.
Yes that 's how it is. And that explains imo precisely why a fetish does not fit in a relationship with a healthy women.
A healthy women will sense when we are acting out our fetish, or when we make love to hér.
She will complain that we are not in the present moment but kind of absent. Yes, in fact we will be in our own safe compartment. Which is - in fact - also our prison.

 

[QUOTE="... to me like he embraces it. When you’re ashamed of something you don’t embrace it like that.[/QUOTE]

Not necessarily, it could also be a resigned acceptance on his part. Not everyone accepts labels gladly or with pride, sometimes the only way forward in dealing with something like this is to accept a label onto yourself. Further, from his post, I don't see any evidence to indicate that he's taking pride in it. Let's not be quick to judge and condemn people here.

 

Start your own research.
I did and left successfully my fetishes behind me.

I love the quote: Truth will set you free.

 

Well of course we can't all become a sexuologist.
But as I told before, some knowledge about our "themes" can help to understand me.
That way I lost my fetishes as I discovered the truth within.

"You can't change your sexuality" is what researchers saying.
Let me give the answer with an example of what a professional psychologist once told me.
I visited him to talk about my sexual problems, my fantasies to be a girl (autogynephilia).
He literally told me that if I thought I was a girl, I needed to get rid of my d##k. He literally said that to me as an answer for my problem.
The truth was of course that he didn't have the slightest idea how to help me with my problem.
Soon I left that dude. He was totally useless for me.

Now I am 20 years further, living in peace without having acted out my crossdress fetish for I think 8 years, and it's 170 days ago I saw porn for the last time.
What do you think? Who is able to help others with their crossdress fetish?
That professional psychologist dude or me?

 

No no, I didn't felt attacked by your question.
Not at all.
I've learned to think by myself as we all has our puzzle to solve so to speak.
And I've also learned that you can't "just" trust your helper.
You are very young and actually it's a really good thing you already started with seeking help for answers, as you do here!