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Man I cant live like this anymore, please help me!

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by fumaruu, Jan 1, 2022.

  1. fumaruu

    fumaruu Fapstronaut

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    Normally I am against seeking reassurance, but this time I need someone to help or share his story with me because I seriously cannot live my life like this anymore. I am not suicidal (though i used to be) but I have severe anxiety and everyday is a day full of worry, fear, constant checking whether or not I am gay, and so on and I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like I failed my parents.

    Here is a recap of my story:
    When I was in kindergarden I was exposed to a scenario that altered my complete sexual orientaton. My fat kindergarden teacher back then sat on a kid, and from this point on this has been my whole life. As a kid I used to imagine animals in those childrens books like Hippos sit on me, fantasized about it, fantasized about fat women sit on me, eventually leading me in a darker path of fantasizing about fat MEN sitting on me. In middleschool I'd intentionally let my bigger friends sit on me, outside of school in the park the same thing and so on. Discovered p*rn at the age of 10 or so, and looked at nothing but fat/squashing p*rn. No girls in my life at all, havent had a single crush (though I think I had some type of feelings for a girl a couple months back but I dont know If I wanted to trick my self not to be gay or If i was genuinely attracted to her I really dont know). Joined gay websites and messaged fat men on there chatting about them squashing me. Never have I had any sexual intentions. Sex never was in my mind.. I just wanted to be squashed. I constanly check myself by looing at fat women (bbw or even ssbbw) squashing p*rnography and instantly pop a boner. Same goes for the homosexual part of it.. instant boner. and this is making me confused, anxious and scared.


    I am scared of not finding the right women. Im scared of dying alone. I just want a loving wife and beautiful children man thats it!
    All my life has been around the squashing and fat p*rnography no matter what gender.
    In real life I often find myself satisfying my fetish with my male friends, as I dont know have any female friends at all. I just find it easier getting them to sit on me. Im not denying the fact that I have a fat fetish and a squashing fetish and this is a sick fetish that I cant get rid of. Ill have to learn to live with it but its making my life a complete mess.

    I dont even know what the hell my orientation is, whether Im straight, gay, or just a fuking weirdo I have no idea. My arousal template has been altered to the point that Im just not capable of having a real sexual intercouse with a normal women. Never had a crush, never had sex, or even a kiss, nothing of that. What a mess I am. I often find myself crying and begging god to be normal again. All my friends are living a happy and fulfilling life, and here I am, worrying about my sexual orientation. Damn I dont even know why I am posting this I just need to talk to someone that can help me. I cant live like this anymore, I own a business and cant put my mind into it because of these thoughts. Same crap every damn day. What do you guys think? Am I just homosexual? What am I? Can this be fixed? I just want a loving girlfriend thats it.
     
  2. rodenig

    rodenig Fapstronaut

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    Hi fumaruu,my name is rodenig..you have to quit P because it's an artificial stimulation.dopamine secretes in the pleasure center of the brain.Do read about the science of porn addiction.Use NoFap tool...it is really helping me.After when you relapse take a bath.Listen to good music and songs.Go to gym workout regularly.I was also a Porn addict.Due to porn I went to depression.Till now I am taking medication for my depression my longest streak of not watching porn was 116 days.So If I could change my life so you can also do it.Having fetishes is not a wrong thing.if you quit porn only you will know you are straight or gay.Set some goals for this new year.Be strong and quit porn then you will definitely have a good family and children's.Playing games can also divert you from porn.
     
    fumaruu likes this.
  3. fumaruu

    fumaruu Fapstronaut

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    thank you man! I really want to be a normal person again and I will do whatever it takes!
     
    rodenig likes this.
  4. DeeJ4y

    DeeJ4y Fapstronaut

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    I recommend reading a book called your brain on porn. It will help. Also it is good that you know the reason for your fetish. And that you want to get rid of it. Just do everything in your power to abstain from porn and you will recover.
     
  5. I love my Brain

    I love my Brain Fapstronaut

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    Mastubate them to their fetish?
     
    FX-05 likes this.
  6. shamrock19

    shamrock19 Fapstronaut

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    It’s funny our stories are very similar . I developed a certain fetish which I feel began in primary school . It dominated a lot of my sexual thoughts and fantasies through my teenage years and then once I discovered porn, it absolutely blew up and became the only thing I was excited by

    as the years progressed my mental health worsened: things like insane amounts of anxiety , intrusive thoughts , depression and what not . It wasn’t until around the age of 21-22 I began to correlate my mental health issues with porn consumption and dysfunctional sexual fantasies . Since the age of 22 I’ve been fighting this , completely removed porn from my life and no longer watch it at all . I also now rarely masturbate as I don’t feel it’s entirely natural and don’t think it holds much benefit if any if you are able to discipline yourself not to do it

    anyway , I cut out porn/masturbation but my mental health issues still persisted… they persisted for years up until I had a sort of realisation . The realisation was that it was my mind that was the issue! My mind was the place which porn and my fantasies had really penetrated and it was the playground which I fantasised in so it was my mind that needed consulting . So I began to clean up my mind … no fantasising! No feeding my addiction by looking at certain parts of a women in the street and just completing de-sexualising my mind if you like ! Since doing this my mental health symptoms have completely diminished and I have achieved mental clarity I never thought possible . My anxiety has gone from 10/10 to I would say almost natural levels , I’m definitely still a work in progress but we always will be . All 7.8 billion of us or whatever the number is

    there is more details to this story but I’ve covered the most important in around about way . Basically stop feeding into your fantasies , your mind is over sexualised and dysfunctional . But you deep down are not dysfunctional , all you requiring is a good amount of time healing . The life you want is there and the person you want to be/are is there
     
  7. fumaruu

    fumaruu Fapstronaut

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    Believe it or not I have never masturbated in my life. I know I know this sounds unbelievable. All I was doing was watching that type of P and popping a boner that's it. That is also a huge Question in my mind how come I've never masturbated. Most of the times my penis does it itself or I wake up after a wet dream.
     
  8. fumaruu

    fumaruu Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your response man. I am doing my best to quit P. I can't believe what I turned into. God didn't create me this way. Deep down In my heart know I am not gay, but my anxiety tells me otherwise. My brain is at the stage where even the slightest vanilla thought makes me pop a boner. I am trying to practice meditation, anything that might help me. At the end of the day all I want is a normal healthy life and a good relationship.
     
  9. shamrock19

    shamrock19 Fapstronaut

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    It’s all repairable trust me . The guy that god intended you to be is still there you just need some recovery

    That’s normal , don’t be hard on yourself , it’s the way your brain/system is currently wired . The old stuff that used to get me excited doesn’t any more , It doesn’t even enter my brain … it’s strange . But I also don’t give it energy but I’m sure if I did , it could begin to reappear

    Meditation is great for this . Because What you need to do is observe your minds actions , don’t add any more fuel to it so you gradually no longer get lost in your fantasies and eventually as time goes by they begin to just disappear and your left with more and more clarity
     
    fumaruu likes this.
  10. fumaruu

    fumaruu Fapstronaut

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    Wow man I can't thank you enough. Ultimately, my anxiety is what needs to be fixed. My fetish is a common one, though mine goes to the extreme and at this point is non gender specific. I have a clear image of the person I want to become and I will work my way to it. Can't believe I have been feeding my fetish for the last 10 years it's insane.
     
  11. I love my Brain

    I love my Brain Fapstronaut

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    It is interesting to see that watching porn alone is enough without an orgasm to damage the brain.

    I can only tell you that porn buries your personality. Once this overstimulation is gone, then the inner comes out.

    And you wonder yourself what is inside you.
     
  12. From last 1 month i am also doing this thing . watching porn and ejacukation without fapping. Is it normal.? What you think bro..?
     
  13. Hey. Sorry to hear you man.
    You have to quit porn. You may never return to a "perfect" sexual desire, but i promise you will heal, and you will feel a peace that never before.
    It will be hard, but it will be worthy.

    Once you stop fueling those thoughts, they will slowly dissapear. You may never be absolutely "cured", as someone who never had that fetish, but it won't have the power it has now. The more you abstain from porn, the less your brain will be hooked on it.

    I too have a fetish im not proud of, and my decission was to never allowed it again. Even when i relapsed i made an effort not to watch that specific type of porn. Not now, not ever. Is not an option, not if i want to have a happy and healthy live.
    So, never again allow that fetish. Delete your chats, your accounts, your porn, do not ever allow yourself to watch it again, or to indulge, not even the slightest. Avoid any occassion of someone sitting on you, at all costs. You will be tempted to think that you can manage a little amount without getting addicted again, but anyone who has relapsed can tell you otherwise. Becauase of their pride is that they felt. It isn't good, in any amount. And it should be rejected completely, because it can't be controlled. It only fakes being tamed, until it gathers enough strenght to take over.

    If you think you are attracted to woman, it may be because you ARE. Lots of people in this place tell that they weren't gay until they started consuming massives amounts of porn. They got used to heterosexual porn, and homosexual porn made them feel curious. Others tell that they developed an attraction to trans porn when woman got boring.
    For the moment, don't think about it. Wait to see how you feel after some months of abstaining.

    Abstaining is hard. The cravings are strong. When the situation gets unbearable, is when you will have to be stronger than ever. You will feel like an heroine addict without his daily dose. But you will have to endure. You will have outburst of emotions that you learned to deal with self-pleasure. Not anymore.You will have to re-learn to manage your emotions.
    BUT IT WILL BE WORTHY.

    And last thing, pray. To God, and to the pratron of chastity, the Virgin Mary. Ask them to heal you, and to give you strenght to resist temptation. Go to mass frequently, read about chastity, discover why it is so important to a succesful marriage.
    Pray, because we are weak. Because our weakness makes us choose a few seconds of pleasure for a lifelong happiness.
     
  14. fumaruu

    fumaruu Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man. At this point I have no other option left than to pray to god. You know, I started to ask the "universe" why its always me. Stuff like this always happens to me. Im 23 now and here I am questioning my own sexuality. When I was in middleschool I used to intentionally let the other boys pin me to the ground in order to satisfy this fetish. And this makes me think, whether or not I am gay? I dont know man. Sex has never been a topic for me and I have never thought about it. Only this fat people squashing shit - this has been my life until today. Literally out here begging the universe and god to be able to pop a boner with a normal woman, as if thats too much to ask for. I swear I cant anymore but your reply motivates me. Thank you so much!
     
  15. Don't "ask the universe why me". Abandon that mentality. It won't help you. That self pity will only make you believe you have it worse than anyone, and thus it's impossible to heal.
    Everybody has problems. You may think that yours is the worst, but even just in this forum, i've read people with much more fucked up shit.

    You're welcome.
     
    fumaruu likes this.

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