The Jedi Temple (open)

Day 11 Padawan. I had this idea that you get to bask in your testosterone while on nofap because I just feel a lot more at ease than compared to being hooked on PMO. Like at the same time there is an increase in anxiety and other painful emotions while in the beginning of nofap there is also powerful positive emotions that I never experience compared to being on PMO.

 

day 41 merry new year

may the Force be with you !

 

Day 611 semen retention

 

Day 12. Finally finished my 10 day work streak and now I get the weekend off. Just trying to appreciate being able to relax right now.

 

Day 5, 6 and 7. Checking in.

 

day 42
may the Force be with you
it rhymes because it's true !
at least from my point of view

 

I want in.
Check in sunday

 

day 43

 

Hour 10.5 - Jedi Youngling

I have not been on in a couple weeks. Struggled with sobriety during that time going on a couple binges. Have not MO'd to pornography in the hardcore sense in a week, but I did MO last night (twice actually, with on of the time to P-subs). Not a proud moment, but seeing as I had been binging on the P itself up until a week ago, I am just glad I avoided the "most destructive stuff", though to be honest, it all is destructive whether it is pornographic sex, or just a woman in a bikini like last night. I am not sure it is wise to distinguish in either case, but I am still counting it as PMO even if it was "just to P-subs". Anyway, I intend to finally get clean this year, and though I may have ruined the "New Year resolution" already, New Year resolutions are more than just about a streak of good fortune. It is all about year long behavior. If you give up bread for your resolutions and you eat bread after three days, that is fine, just start over and try to spend the majority of your year without bread. My goal is to have less than 2-4 weeks of resets which seems like a lot, but that is a 92-96% success rate, and I am aiming to do a lot better than that of course, but I don't want to leave no room for error, only to fail time and time again. So I am leaving room for error, and counting my year a success if I get above 92% clean. That does mean I have 13/14-27/28 days of resets available, and I intend to keep it that way.

Anyway, I have been up since 5AM this morning, it is now 6:30AM and I have a full day planned. In my seminars, I got A's this past semester, and in my lectures, I got an A in Algebra, an A- in Measure Theory, and a B in Topology leaving me with >3.6 gpa. Not bad, and I intend to get an A in my classes this next semester, which does mean more study and prep. My writing is going really well. My one murder mystery novel is turning more into a story of romance, recovery, addiction, and mental illness, with a back story of a serial arsonist. Wasn't my intention when I started out to have a book about mental illness and addiction as well as recovery and those that love those who struggle, yet that is what it is becoming. Honestly, I don't mind. The arsons are meant to drive the plot not to be the plot. The book also honors USA veterans with the character who is the target of the arsonist being a Vietnam vet, the boss of the main character, and the father of the main character's love interest are both Desert Shield/Desert Storm vets, and the main character's dad is former military police who served in Afghanistan. I come from a military family, and I have see how war messes with people, but also how proud of service my family is, and I want to tell not only the story of those who serve, but the addiction triggered by trying to cope with the war, the trauma experienced by their loved ones as well as being a love story for those who never give up. I am not quite sure I want to discuss pornography addiction just yet in my novel, as for obvious reasons, most people do not know about my struggles, and discussing it could open me up to unwarranted hate from certain real life factions. So for now, I just discuss alcohol, drug, and gambling addiction, and may later include more. With that said, I think that including a character's (likely the main character) story of dealing with the issues of pornography addiction could be inspiring for those who are like us here on NoFap. Luckily the book will not be published for a while, so I can get clean myself and then tell my story in a fictional setting, and maybe inspire other young men and women to get clean.

Anyway, have a good day all.
Best,
Mathman1994

 

day 44,
i overslept so i'll study from home today. if my word is worth anything.

 

Look at this guy. He's a reminder that ghosts and God's do exist.

 

I just eat and take a shit like everybody else

 

day 45... 9:45AM
i overslept today. but i did send the homework we were supposed to do, so i have momentum.
may the Force be with you !

 

Hour 15.5 - Youngling

 

Checking in for day 1

 

Day 0 - Hour 16.75 - Youngling

Update:

I made it nearly two days and then PMO'd twice last night. I wish I fought it more, meditated, read my Bible, or even went to sleep until the urges passed. It all started with a therapy appointment where I reminisced about my schizo-affective delusions. I am depressed right now, and haven't left my apartment in two days. I will go to campus tomorrow so that I can spend my day outside of my home where the loneliness is getting to me. Honestly the depression started yesterday when I was up until 2AM the night before sorting my Yugioh cards and when I went to sleep I did not take my night meds so I tossed and turned all night and then did not get up until 10AM. Then I laid back down twice and then I had therapy and immediately after I PMO'd and then last night I PMO'd again out of frustration with an app, that I use for recovery, not working. I am trying to figure out if I can MO non-compulsively, but that would mean leaving these challenges, and I like the camaraderie of these challenges, and I have very few alternatives to recovery. I know that my main issue is P and that MO is something I can generally do in moderation. The thing is, I feel so great and powerful when I resist any sexual urge successfully, but I know I would be 1.5 weeks no P had I just MO'd the last couple times, and so I am stuck wondering whether I need to quit the challenges for now to see figure out my own sexuality, or if I can truly and successfully live a hard mode life. I know what most of you all would say, it is just that my treatment team thinks that MO can be healthy, and the NoFap forums tend to take a more rigid view on that. I guess what I am saying is I don't know the right answer. My therapist did say, yesterday, that masturbation is a personal choice, and whether one does it or not is neither healthy nor unhealthy. However, he thinks I have an unhealthy relationship with my own sexuality, and that if it comes down to MOing to P or just MOing to fantasy, I should MO to fantasy. If I can successfully manage both, then I need not do either. However, I am not sure of the best way to develop a healthy sexuality. My pornography use started months before I ever masturbated, and so MO has always been tied to P, however for a two year period, I gave up P and just MO'd, but my mom made me feel really shitty about it, making antagonizing comments about how I "got off to people being in the house". That was not the case, but it led to me feeling terribly about myself and then after that two to three year no P period, I started using again, and I have been using consistently since, with a 90 day period in 2018 where I did not MO to P and 60 of those days not MO period. When I first joined this challenge, I made it 31 days no P or MO and I felt great. I just want to figure myself out, and I love reading everyone's updates, but I am not sure that the challenges are good for me at the moment. I say that because if I MO, even once or twice in a week, I feel like I have failed you all, and that ultimately leads to me viewing P or P-subs, and MOing immediately afterward. I love you all, but I think that until I can reach a point where I do not MO for myself and not because others say it is bad, I don't know that I can healthily be on these challenges. It is a hardline I suppose, but I feel like a failure every time I come on here saying "Day 0 - Youngling" and I don't think it is fair to you all to have to hear me constantly saying that too. It may be demotivating to see someone "not trying", I know it is for me when I cannot successfully make it a week or two without MO. So I think this is goodbye for now. However, if I make it to Jedi Knight status, I may try again, but until that point, I have to figure out who I am with or without P and MO.

Good luck everyone, may our paths cross again in 30 days.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

day 46 !

 

Day 8, 9, 10 and 11. Checking in

 

I Haven't checked in for a few days. I'm on day 17.

 

Day 12, checking in.