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How to stop getting off on being the sub

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Daryn, Jan 3, 2022.

  1. Daryn

    Daryn Fapstronaut

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    I've always been conservative with normal sexual relationships with girls where I'm the dominant one until I found my current gf. She's an inch taller than me & likes being dominant in the bedroom. Nothing serious at first just she was on top most of the time. I didn't think much of it. An orgasms an orgasm right & I'm still on top a good part of the time. Then she escalated things with pinning me down and choking. I let her because I was actually getting more turned on at this point. She confessed she wanted to peg me when drunk just before we left school for winter break & I told her no but have actually been getting off on the idea.

    I really didn't realize I could be like this & that she was like this. Am not okay with this part of myself. May relate to my past pornography use & not having a strong father figure. Definitely don't want to get pegged though. Not to kink shame any girls but the critical thinking part of my brain finds the female psychology behind enjoying the act extremely disturbing. I'm scared that if my gf plays her cards right she could get inside my head & I could get horny & let that happen. To make it Freudian this is a conflict of Id, ego, & super-ego.

    Considered a breakup but I love the rest of her too much & we share too much in common including friends so it could get messy.

    Can anyone relate in some way & have tips for regaining a more dominant, masculine frame/sexuality. I ordered some aromatase inhibitors & have been working out a lot. Considering going back to porn but spesifically where the woman is completely dominanted & humilated.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2022
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  2. I'd leave her.
     
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  3. Randombro

    Randombro Fapstronaut

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    Set clear limits and if she is not respecting it, leave her.
    My not political correct answer: These sexual acts are degrading your masculinity. Who knows where you will end if you not stop it?
     
  4. Daryn

    Daryn Fapstronaut

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    Good advice & true.
     
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  5. User number one

    User number one Fapstronaut

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    Jeez people- a GIRL wants to get freaky with you. That doesn’t make you gay or less of a man!

    my ex-GF’s sister dated this ultra masculine, half Jamaican, jock finance frat bro. Apparently he was super into anal beads. Not my thing but he was a masculine as it gets and didn’t care - that’s what he was into. And the girl was smoking hot too.
     
  6. Daryn

    Daryn Fapstronaut

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    Wouldn't judge people by their appearance like that or even from the energy they project during daily life. Once you get comfortable in the bedroom people can have different parts of themselves come out & it is very meaningful & telling of their larger psychology. Kinks & fetishes aren't some random occurrence. People often compartmentalize or reaction formation.

    For example my girl was abused by her dad heavily when she was a kid & I imagine she had very little control and a lot of conflicted emotion. I think it's clearly imprinted on her sexuality & relationships in a fucked way. Not that I don't still love her.

    There are definitely some early life experiences that fucked me over to. I believe it's all very unhealthy and conflicts with evolutionary psych & societal standards imo in a way that will only bring your inner self turmoil- we should strive to fix ourselves.
     
  7. User number one

    User number one Fapstronaut

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    I’m not judging at all. My comment was directed to all those suggesting getting pegged would make you less of a man. That dude was all man and he liked butt stuff.

    In think you’re overthinking/being judgmental about your gf’s kinks but what do I know
     
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  8. RadiantFalcon382

    RadiantFalcon382 Fapstronaut

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    In my personal opinion, having a gf like that sounds like a dream come true. Granted that's just my desire, but I'll say this. If you feel aroused by the thought of being topped by your gf, its ok to accept that. Now if its that you don't want to be aroused by it, then I'll let others in this thread do their magic. It doesn't make you any less of a man, but it's up to you on what you want to do!
     
  9. FutureKing

    FutureKing Fapstronaut

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    Personally, I find most straight people (I'm straight) are fucking clueless about anal, and getting pegged could either be:

    A: Fucking fantastic.
    B. Fucking horrific.
    C. Meh

    Second, I'm all about consent. Have negotiations, don't let her improvise, stick to the negotiations. Have a safeword. If she doesn't respect the safeword, dump her on the spot.

    Know what your hard limits are. Pegging is a hard limit for me, and I would never let it happen, if it did, it would be assault.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2022
  10. Breaking up with her would be pretty extreme in my opinion. It might be worth exploring the insecurities you have about your idea of what a man should be. Obsession over being precived as a stereotypical manly man isn't healthy.

    If you decide to give that stuff a go with her make sure you have your limits established with her first. If she disrespects that then that is a red flag.

    Whatever you do, do not go back to porn. That will always make things worse. Watching women getting humiliated will probably fuel your insecurities.

    Good luck!
     
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  11. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

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    I would leave her if you don’t want what she wants
     
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  12. Beekind

    Beekind Fapstronaut

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    Any two who are not able to enjoy just being in the presence of each other, should not be with each other.
    All this kink shit is for short term pleasure, not for long term relationship.
     
  13. To be naive to the ability that she would just keep that relationship of being masculine in the bedroom in the bedroom, and not to your outside real world relationship would be unwise. Hell, you explained that you didn't like it, but she wants it. Personally I would not put up with that, and would tell her what is going to happen with my body, and if she wants more control then it is more than just sex. You should consider having a talk about boundaries, and pegging is a thought I wouldn't provoke. If you give her a foot, she'll take a mile...(Kind of sexist, but it also applies to anyone wanting more; power, control, it is a trait that can be easily corrupted. And we all know that to be true.) And not just in the bedroom...

    Remember all of this goes both ways, its up to your discretion, your ability to say what you think.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2022
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  14. Mahalac

    Mahalac Fapstronaut

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    Leave her, bro.
     
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  15. Daryn

    Daryn Fapstronaut

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    I honestly doubt she even has the potential to do that. 99% of the time she's extremely kind and feminine & has serious anxiety, the whole thing is a repressed reaction formation hybrid psych thing from my perspective. Not to be a dick but I do also have other options & she knows that. Not even mentioning the pegging is also a good idea actually thanks, was mentally scripting a serious talk. Definitely need to go for a hard reset with the bedroom shit & set clear boundaries though. Kind of already knew I needed to do this but the thread reinforced hard.

    Probably very good advice for most people. We're both students and there's honestly no way she could get more power/dominance outside the bedroom but for older men with a job, resources, and a more self-developed lifestyle this seems legit.
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2022
  16. Daryn

    Daryn Fapstronaut

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    Thank you to everyone who's helped out with advice it's been really good to bounce ideas around & get some thought going. This is stuff I can't talk about with anyone so this has been very helpful resource as opposed to me folding layers of thought in on myself.

    What I was also looking for is how to stop being more turned on by being submissive in the bedroom. Or what causes it in the first place. In retrospect, I'm not sure this is a subject many people are learned in.

    I know for a fact ai (estrogen blockers) have changed my behavior in the past in various ways based on how low my estradiol got & suspect based on past experience that it could help. After (educationally) watching some femdom porn to see what my gf has been getting off to I also noticed basically every guy had gynecomastia. Hesitant to try though because it can crash sex drive entirely and make you depressed & aggressive, it's more of a last resort. Fixing hormonal profile naturally may be ideal.

    I don't even know if our relationship will last over summer so it may not even be worth doing anything & I'd just go back to being dom with another girl.
     
  17. walkingtree

    walkingtree Fapstronaut

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    There is an article on the Psychology Today website called "Why Some of Us Seek Dominant Partners" that might be of interest to you (can't link it here). I feel it's also connected to being selfish and mostly using the partner as a way to realize our psychological needs, with the point being personal gratification rather than expressing love towards them. I have observed on myself that the reason behind many submissive tendencies is the desire to get pleasure for free, that is to be pleasured by a partner without having to do anything, or to be in the center of attention. Note that I have very little sexual experience myself though, so this is mostly coming from me trying to figure out the desires behind various sexual fantasies I tend to have.

    You seem to be implying that estrogen causes submissiveness and testosterone causes dominance. I don't think that's true -- I have seen cases of people who have gotten more aggressive on estrogen / calmer on testosterone, and there are many "MtF" transgender people in porn who are dominant (to men or women) despite hardly having high testosterone levels. Granted, this doesn't really prove anything, but I would be wary of this sort of simplistic, materialistic logic in regards to human psychology. We are much more complicated than just a bunch of chemicals reacting with each other (though I am sure they are a contributing factor).

    Also based on the tone of your posts, I have a hard time believing you are effeminate, which you seem to be afraid of. Your hormonal balance is most probably alright. By causing your body to release more testosterone, you aren't changing the dynamics behind your submission, you are merely suppressing them.
     
  18. user12345

    user12345 Fapstronaut

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    Besides all the great advice everyone has been giving already, you should take a good look at yourself and your girlfriend. On one hand you seem to be afraid of the power dynamic switching, on the other hand you seem to be afraid that is not your true selves and try to psycho-analyze the situation.

    Kinks are not inherently bad, and being more submissive in bedroom as a man is not inherently "against" the nature, not mentioning that submissiveness has different nuances for everyone. If you are only afraid of BDSM *because* it might make you less of a man, I suggest to relax, take a breather, and try to discover yourself alongside your girlfriend. It is fine to be a dom and then try something else, it is fine to switch. It is fine to explore sexuality in a safe and healthy manner.

    Do not turn to porn. Watching women dominated and humiliated won't make you more of a man.

    If you look within yourself with the most honesty you can muster, and you feel it is going against who you are, if you realize the sub-part is triggered by something, if you had bad past experiences around the subject - then it is completely understandable to try to avoid going that path that you know will only damage you both.

    In the end, only you know the answer. But like others pointed out, if, for whatever reason, you simply don't want to try any kind of kink of this sort and your girlfriend pushes you, not only that she is not understanding her role as a dom, she simply wants to feel in control; but it is also a red flag and assault, and you should reconsider the entire relationship.
     
  19. Subbyhubby

    Subbyhubby Fapstronaut

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    If everything isn't great and how you want it to be, then quit on it. IMO not great advice.

    I had years of an incompatible sex live with my wife, we talked about it a lot over a long time. Tried things and worked on it. Our sex life is amazing now 22 years later. A relationship isn't always blue skies and rainbows.
     
  20. Wave tamer

    Wave tamer Fapstronaut

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    Make a condition with her, if she wants to live out some kinks. That you’re not that into. Live out some of yours. Give her a glolden shower or spit roast her with her best mate wearing the strapon! Fair’s fair!
    My therapist says if a certain type of sex makes you or others feel crap don’t do it. So it’s up to how it sits with you. It sounds like a bit of a power dynamic to be honest but some women actually love the role flexibility. Most of the time I’ve done it I’ve felt degraded. But smashing this little hotty once after I’d got her off I let her peg me just to turn her on more. I guess I felt secure I’d proved my masculinity! But I wouldn’t be into it being a regular thing in a relationship. The feeling can be nice at times and it’s taboo. But when you watch a dude being pegged by a femdom I always think what a weird pussy personally! But kind of ignore them to see the powerful women doing her thing.
     

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