Accountability for All

DAY 3
so im almost done with day 3, i had a few urges coz i was trying different blockers and stuff and the websites broke thru a few of the blockers and dns, and finally i set a perfect dns. and then instantly found an easy way to override it, so basically I wasted the whole day. But hopefully it doesn't come to overriding it.

 

Day 16

Do you know the movie "Split" ? Weird movie .. it made me afraid of myself .. why? .. because I really can understand the character .. it made me afraid of who I am .. I had so many problems in my childhood, teenager, and 20s onwards .. I can not count them .. it will be depressive if I did .. sometimes I even forget main events that happened to me .. I run from my past .. but still I think I am much deeper .. deeper even that the deepest memory or sub-personality that I am reacting to .. towards this, I have no doubt .. I used to run from all of these hurtful moments in my life to movies .. there I am happy .. there I forget about everything .. but it was not alone .. I compounded it with the nasty habit .. then I go from there to here .. here to there .. and so on .. I feel bad that I did PM .. I go to movies .. the guilt is forgotten .. I go back to PM .. the guilt came back .. back to movies .. and so on .. I was self-medicating my problems with both of them .. no one who knows me have any complete picture of my story .. I wrote it once .. I felt like that I am stranger to myself .. I think because I did not dig deep in almost any scenes of my story .. any of them is a big source of pain when touched .. I need to work on this .. I read somewhere that "you are as weak as your weakest sub-personalities" and man I have many .. It will be a long road .. It is not easy for me to feel fear when I delve into topics when I write about myself .. but for such topics I sure am .. it is time to face it ..

"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair"

[/QUOTE]

 

Day 3

 

Love the idea of this and hope it is still around. Day 3 of no porn for me.

This is another attempt. It was about 2 years ago that i realised i had an addiction to porn and have been trying to beat it since. Ever since then i havent managed more than 2 weeks away from it. I have sort out therapy, 12 step groups, blockers and nothing has worked.

This addiction caused so much financial loss. This addiction was a reason behind the woman of my dreams leaving me. It has caused so much embarrassment. So much pain. Cause ED and other sexual problems.

But that is all in the past and i am determined to make 2022 the year i become a changed man. I am going to be looking to post regularly on this forum.

Thank you all for reading!

 

Day 32 is complete and it feels amazing looking forward to keeping consistent with the weekly calls and taking every step I can and being proactive in my journey!

 

Sign me up!

 

day 30 lets go!

 

checkin'

 

day 4woke up I have a test today, I've had no urges till now going good, I installed and its safe surfer on my phone, its uninstallable and pin protected and the pin is random generated. and on my PC as well, its pin protected and uninstallable and remojo which is also uninstallable, so pretty much i'm safe

 

P: 48 days
M: 74 days
O: 74 days

* 5 PMO but no relapse
* 1 MO but no relapse
* Averaging 12.4 days on PMO nofap
* 14 days straight nofap

 

Reached a new PR today! 15 days.

21 should be fairly easy to do since I'm on a skii vacation.
But afterwards will be the real challenge....

 

Today is the most difficult day I have experienced in a long time.

Day 14.

It's like all my shitty emotions are now being addressed. Man oh man have I been through some shit. I'd never would wish upon anyone. Not being a victim or asking for any advice. Just releasing some emotions I guess. No one on here knows me. So its all good.

My grandma was raped when I was probably 5-6 years old. I saw it all in the same bedroom as I slept there with my grandad and her. It's fucked up my physical interactions with women my entire life. I'd literally only seen them as objects of desire. And don't get me wrong, I think they're beautiful but to have the amount of anger, shame, lust, and behaviour I have had. Just that I would seek out ANY excuse for sexual activity all these years. Porn. Television porn. Masturbating. It's so fucked up. Thinking of it now. Watching a small fucking television or tablet phone watching two humans smashing each other's brains out. It's purely a release of rage. Nothing else. Fucking pure, emotional, anger which is directed exactly to the one act of sexual abuse I repeatedly witnessed as a child.

No 5 year old child should have to witness such extremities.

It makes me sick.

I take all my anger out on myself tho. Listened to music loud over the years. Drugs. Women. Wanking. Fighting. Getting beaten up for no reason. What's the fucking point.

It's like I am blaming myself for this and feeling guilty for it.

It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

He's the devil. He has a hold on me still. This act has a hold on me still. But it is being positively channeled to a group of good people here and people who wish happiness for others.

I am glad I can manage my emotions now in a healthy way and channel them to nofap, training, music, walking, running and talking.

I wish everyone the best of luck for 2022. I feel truly special things are due for us all this year.

 

Day 3
I had some strong urges after lunch. It was so difficult to fight with it. I just couldn't resist the urges, its like devil is calling you & yiu can't stop yourself.
You don't have control over your body. I enjoyed for lil bit then got my senses back.

 

Day 30!
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high.

Work was hard today. I was tired from the daily cardio and now strength training. But I can't throw away my sleep schedule. I'm completely spent. It would be foolish to try to work now at 10:30. Brush floss and go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

 

Day 15 in the list!! 2 weeks completed still a long way to go.

 

Day 23.

Feel more in control of this than in a long time, maybe ever.

 

i got off track but i'm back. I miss the grind and realized thats when i'm truly the happiest
mad respect for you guys who all this time are still at it

 

Day 1

 

day 4

 

Day 3 - Today I went to therapy, I don't know what to say. The guy had no fucking idea that porn addiction exists, perhaps he is addicted too without knowing.

But perhaps will make a difference in my life. Let's see how it goes.