why I am doing this

C.F. Gauß · Jan 9, 2022

I had a little breakdown writing this and there are some curses in this, if youre not okay with that then stop reading.

I completed day 15 today and I have to say the last couple of days have been hard.
I am struggeling with anxiety and generelly feeling down, which is why I have been inching closer to a relapse for the last few days.
Sometimes everything just seems so bleak and hopeless, it feels like existence itself is this deep dark hole and there is just no fucking light.
During these 15 days I got horny a couple of times but those times it wasnt that hard to resist, it gets hard when these lows hit me.
At these times a part of my brain starts telling me to just give in: "if this world is so dark then just give in and find a little bit of warmth in your addiction".
But fuck that mfer. I know what the fuck lies at the other end of giving in and I am fucking tired of it.
Thats my fucking why. All these fucking times I dissapointed myself all these times I couldnt look at myself in the mirror. I have those feelings in stored in a jar and everytime I feel down and this mfer starts telling me to give in I will reach in there and remind myself why I am doing this, I will turn those feelings into fuel and kick that fuckers ass and push even harder. And I am not just talking about nofap at this point.
I am going to war with my fucked up self.
I have also had some taste of success bevore so I know what lies on the other side of pain and its not just a temporary dopamine hit its fullfillment.

Abel100% · Jan 9, 2022

Muy bueno ...para este inicio de año...

Deleted Account · Jan 9, 2022

it is a war with yourself. well said mate

Life Project · Jan 9, 2022

That's some David Goggins motivation right that man. Keep going bro. Patience through the storms will be justly rewarded. Pmo solves absolutely nothing, it'll just lead to the f'd up rabbit hole that you've been in. You don't want to go back to that dark empty place. There's nothing there except emptiness, darkness, and despair. Keep going even if your life is getting tough. I'm kind of in a similar spot right now. I f'd up my shoulder pretty bad and have to take a prolonged period of time from the gym, which is pretty shitty. Now my mind is giving me fear if I tore it, etc. Not to mention, the gym is a huge escape for me, a way to callous the mind. Anyway, hold on bro.. your patience right now is crucial. A couple months from now, you won't hardly remember these times because the glory will taste so sweet.

NutMaster777 · Jan 9, 2022

First of all I don’t think the term “war with oneself” is healthy, I’d rather say “war with your thoughts”, because you are not thoughts and those you can fight, but you are always yourself and if you two were to fight then that would be a tie; your mind is not a mfer then, it is what you do with it. I have even been thinking in something much more powerful, it doesn’t always have to be a fight, it might be at first, but there’s a point where you’ll get at, when you’ll be so strong, that it won’t be a fight anymore, it’ll be just the default.

About this: “it feels like existence itself is this deep dark hole and there is just no fucking light”
I believe existence is dark and meaningless, but that’s something far from undesirable, it’s a chance, so you’ll create that light, and that is exciting.

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why I am doing this

C.F. Gauß Fapstronaut

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Life Project Fapstronaut

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