After years of secret porn addiction my wife knows

Poor woman

 

Sadly, this story has played out many times on this forum, but the important thing is to know that you are not alone. You'll find many others in the same or similar situation. Recovery is very hard, and it takes special effort to become porn free- treat it like the addiction that it is. Take is as seriously as a heart attack and make recovery your #1 priority. You have been very brave in fessing up to your wife, so take that bravery into the battle. I would suggest reading through the "Rebooting in a Relationship" forum, as well as the other recovery forums. Best to you and your spouse!

-BtR

 

The harm done by porn notwithstanding, this seems a little old fashioned or prudish. I would imagine I'm not alone in that observation.

 

Many, many people feel this way. Especially, if you have ever been in a relationship where your partner used porn. Absolute deal breaker for many woven, and at least they are open and honest, which is far more than the porn addict is.

 

Old fashioned and prudish? Tell that to the person who has suffered brain damage.

 

That reply seems quite opinionated to me, actually. I would argue "Watching P = unfaithful" is not a given.

 

It’s not a given, but for the vast majority of women it is considered unfaithful and hence the reason many women consider it a deal breaker. Then you have the idiot women like me who thought it wasn’t a big deal and maybe might get my hubby more interested in sex with me. I was desperate to try anything to have a semblance of a sex life, lol. Little did I know pmo was the reason my sex life was non existent.

 

Mmm, wasn't my intention and sorry you read it that way. Most people going in to a marriage or relationship would not draw up a formal list of "do's" and "don'ts" and sign it off as if a contract, so I think it's somewhat unreasonable to behave as if they had. It would not be unusual for one partner to be aware of another's dislikes and think, well, I don't necessarily agree with that, but I love them and I'm not going to drop the relationship because of that one thing. More of a, "well, let me just put that one to the side", kind of thing.

Saying "this is a condition of our relationship" does not in itself make it reasonable. Putting a big "shoplifters will be shot" sign in your store does not make it OK to shoot shoplifters. Yes, as extreme example perhaps, but hopefully you'll see where I'm coming from. I'm saying porn in itself may not be a bad thing for some people, and of course an opinion like that isn't going to win me any friends here, as can be seen in the replies - it's the over-use or problem use where the difficulty lies. The overall "porn is bad" or "porn should be banned" attitude seems outdated to me, it's not going to go away, so take it or leave it. And if you leave it or think it's evil, don't expect everyone to feel the same way, including your partner.

 

You’re completely missing the point. If your partner says it’s a deal breaker, if your partner feels it is cheating, then you do not lie and continue doing that behavior because you don’t “ feel” it’s that bad. She told him up front, same way I told all my dates that I did not want children. It really is just being a decent person. You don’t lie and deceive. You have every right to look at porn, sleep with hookers, have one night stands. You do not have the right to lie to your partner about such activities , marry them and continue while deceiving them. That makes you a crappy person who thinks only of themselves.

 

Ah, but you fail to see my point. Anyone who would make non-porn watching a condition at the beginning of a relationship would suggest to me a person with a controlling kind of attitude that would cause issues in the relationship further down the line anyway, even if porn wasn't the issue, because they're trying to control their partner's activities from the beginning. Saying infidelity would be a deal breaker is of course a reasonable expectation, but watching porn? That's getting into none of your business territory I feel. The fact that the porn use has escalated to the point it has is an issue for them both of course, but I'm talking about the original expectation.

The OP's original post suggests that his future wife said no porn at the start, and he said he used to, but not anymore, so he lied and this is why his wife is justified in being upset. And you're suggesting this is the point I'm missing.

On the contrary, I feel the original expectation was unreasonable, and he shouldn't have agreed to it. I feel you're taking a somewhat simplistic view of the situation.

However it's their relationship, and their situation. I was just expressing my point of view. And probably I've exhausted this argument and we're not going to get anywhere further.

And back to the OP, I hope you overcome your difficulties with porn and your relationship improves.

 

Well if it isn’t yet another display of profound ignorance. How long did it take you to learn to stop pissing all over the toilet seat before somebody pointed it out to you? Oh was that a given? Or did somebody actually have to draw you a picture? I know common sense is a very tough concept for an addict to comprehend. Your entire position is precisely why so many of you have continued to fail. And for us it is exhausting.

 

She views porn as infidelity. She told him. He lied, but she’s the controlling one? No, he’s controlling the relationship by lying. Many, many people feel porn use is a deal breaker and infidelity. Just because you don’t, doesn’t change how they feel. Like I said, be honest. If you want to watch porn with dick in hand-go for it. But be honest with your partner. What in the world is unreasonable about wanting your spouse to be faithful both mentally and physically? That’s her right to ask and he should’ve walked away. She was not controlling, she told him her expectations. Controlling is when you lie to ensure that the relationship continues on your terms alone without regard to your partners values and wishes. Everyone considering marriage has a set of values and standards. Everyone. That’s why talking about your values and expectations is so important. She tried. He lied. It absolutely is a simplistic view and yet you still don’t get it. She is a human being who has a right to feel the way she does and to make her expectations clear. He had no business or right marrying her knowing full well porn was not acceptable to her. He should’ve gone and found someone that accepted it, or quit. Not sneak off behind her back to sexually satisfy himself with his virtual harem.

 

I'm not married. I hope to be 1 day... But I do agree in thinking that starting your relationship off with clear expectations is beneficial for both parties. Regardless of how stupid the expectations might be to either participant.

Even if I did agree with you about how old-fashioned views on porn might be, @Rick Over (I don't completely), the lady was straightforward with her expectations/requirements/asks. And offered our friend here, a pretty simple and very available "out". HE MIGHT BE JUSTIFIED if he didn't lie and instead told her that he does watch porn and struggles with it. But wants to stop. People aren't perfect after all. But at least then, both of them enter into the relationship honestly. Or if they don't end up with each other then they probably both still live fairly happy lives. The problem is 100% the lie. THATS IT!

I'd also push back on this to a degree. While a formal contract might not be written with the details of all actions to avoid in order to maintain a happy marriage, It's usually clear through courtship the kinds of things that are and are not expected. And the expectation is that those actions will continue through marriage. To say that people don't or won't have a good understanding of what to do and what not to do to keep the other person in the relationship happy is false I think.

This is probably a big contributor to why 50% of marriages end in divorce. But IDK...

If my potential partner was serious about the following statement - "I don't like black people and can't marry a black dude" - This would be awkward for reasons that might not be clear to yall... But I wouldn't respond and say - "It's fine I'm actually Native American". Although if she was joking about that statement I might say those exact words then propose to her on the spot!

How reasonable the ask is, doesn't even matter. What might be significant to me might be completely unreasonable to my spouse. Which is fine. We're all different. We come from different places. But just because I think it's a stupid request or opinion doesn't mean I ignore the importance of whatever her ridiculous ask is. Our opinion of porn or society's opinion of it for that matter... does not matter here. Again, this is not about compromise or opposing views. OP made it seem like they were both on the same page. But they weren't. And that is the underlying issue. Don't read into the validity of the subject matter. If the stakes were higher and the subject was drugs or alcohol abuse or infidelity the issue would still be that the homie lied. And yes I am black.

Some of the best things are old-fashioned. Gas engines, black and white photography, Canon in D, Vaginal intercourse, etc..

 

There's this great acronym: EBBOM - Engage Brain Before Opening Mouth. I'm not sure if there's a writing or internet forum equivalent... Engage Brain Before Posting Reply, maybe? Or, Engage Brain Before Posting Ill Thought Out Reply, perhaps? Anyway, it's a passionate reply, so some kudos there. I guess. Maybe think about drafting a reply and coming back to it before posting the final version. Keep up the good work though. C-

Great expression and passion, but beware of argumentum ad populum - the fact that "many, many" people feel that way (evidence?) is not really a justification for your point of view. Also, look back on my posts on this thread where I've expressed an opinion. I think I've made a reasonable effort to show that they are my opinions only. Laying down your opinions as fact, as you appear to be doing, is never going to win you many friends. That said, the passion is obvious. B-

You make some excellent points, but again the above shows that you and others have missed the point I was making. I feel expectations of a partner's use or non-use of porn are unreasonable, so there should never be any deal to begin with.

Also beware of stating your opinions as fact. 100%

But you have made the best arguments, so top of the class. A.

 

Exactly. When my husband and I were dating ( about 2 years in) he said he was going to live in a big city, New York, San Francisco. I said “ then we need to break up and find other people because I will never live in a big city”. It doesn’t matter if he thinks that’s ridiculous, or unreasonable. I won’t do it and I made it clear. I didn’t lie and marry him then years later refuse to move to a city.

 

Oh how clever! LMAO! The problem is you did engage your brain. Your addicted brain. That is where the problem lies. I’m not even going to bother to engage you nor your ignorant rambling. You’re just another of many who spew the same shit in here. Good luck with that.

 

So because you feel it’s unreasonable it invalidates how she feels? Got it.