I desire nothing but death.

That is your addiction talking, those lies that it's the best thing in the world to strangle your snake in front of the screen and giving that up is the worst thing possible. But it is a lie. All pleasurable sensations are one big lie. You feel good, your body stops producing the 'feel-good' chemical because it gets accustomed to the thing you've been consuming, you feel bad. Any pleasure is very short lived and it can't become a permanent solution to your problems and you can't rely on it long term, because without exactly that happens - life becomes zombified and death, or, at least, the idea of not existing seems like a relief. It's like to quench fire with gas. It looks like a water, surely it will act like it and stop the flame? As if.
Look, I'm in the same situation. I thought long and hard about just ending it all, stopping this wretched monkey house forever, getting out of this ride. However, there is no sure way to do it, unless you want to add being a vegetable to the list of your problems. I have nothing, no money, no skills, no friends, never had a girlfriend, lost my mother, the only person I was at least somewhat close and could talk to honestly couple of months ago. Plus I have OCD torturing me with so much crap I'd gladly accept oblivion over it. So much shame for everything I do, say and believe in, and also fear of what will, may or had occured. Those give me sensations like you wouldn't believe, as if devil himself strangles your soul with all his unholy might. But death was not really an option for me either. Why? Because something even worse than this life can happen, you can't prove or disprove the idea of hell. So I'm stuck in the gutter. There are poverty, miserable life alone forevermore and fear of death that goes beyond simply being afraid of non-existence.

But it's been 53 days now since I've last pmod and life doesn't seem as bad. Yet, apart from that nothing has changed - I'm still alone, still no social contact with anyone besides my aunt, still sitting in front of my screen 12 hours per day, playing stupid games and wasting time, still having intrusive thoughts, and yet I feel better and I don't really want to stop existing just yet. Isn't it obvious that PMO contributed to my perception of the situation at that moment, and that things are not as depressing as I made them to be? Perhaps the same will happen for you. Understanding that addictions solve nothing, just hide the pain for one moment just to stab you much harder the minute after you done and then taking appropriate actions, or, rather, non-actions, is what you need, not suicide.

 

I am also same like you brother. I lost everything for porn and sex addiction. From birth i am addicted to sex, still i am a virgin. I have an unidentified childhood trauma, which give me high anxiety disorder and high blood pressure and panic attacks.

So what i am telling is, there are always chances or opportunities that nature give us. It's upto us whether we use it or not. I wasted every single moment of chances. Now i regret for that.
Now you have to know one thing. There is no silver bullet to kill the pmo dracula. You have to fight for 2-3 years minimum to get a life. Brother why end it. Why give your life an another chance. Don't think of quitting this in a single reboot. You have to go through hell to quit this addiction.


.it's not the destination but the journey that shape us.


consider early addicts like us, we go through hell and we know the value of life. And also we are stronger than hercules. Because we had seen enough.so we will lead a good life in future.
A recoverd porn addict is the most strongest man. Becuase he had seen enough worse events. So be that man. Don't lost this beautiful soul.


According to hindhuism a person cummitted suicide has a punishment of 7 births of sufferings.

So start again.........
. Failed.........
start again.....
failed........
......... start the again...


we are the warriors.we are the spartans.
If spartans come from past and see us they will recruit us to their team. Because we are the warriors. So stop thinking of suicide. Take up your sword and fight like a warrior. .

 

Life and death are two sides of the same coin, a continual cycle, the everlasting cosmos.
Right now you are just stuck in what you perceive to be the same thing over and over, however, the truth is that things are changing constantly above and below the surface.
Forcing life or forcing death, both have eternal consequences, don't force anything, just let things flow.....
If you truly feel stuck, and I mean this, step out the door and just start walking with no destination and just keep going...it's time for a radical change. Ever dreamed about being an outlaw biker? Buy a used Harley and ride out to the desert and leave everything else behind!
It's not worth it to be miserable....existence is amazing, death of the body doesn't end it. Consciousness is eternal. Let me tell you what is keeping you trapped: Fear. One good exercise you can try is get your tent and some water and camp somewhere remote by yourself for a few days and just listen...listen to the inner voice...get away from the fucking electronics

 

I have been where you are too, there is hope. Just stay strong, one day you will get over the bad emotions. Relationships hurt when they end. It is normal to relapse more during those times. Dont be too hard on yourself. As long as you do your best, no matter what the results are, you are making progress. God bless you man.

 

The more difficult a life is, the closer you are to God.

 

What exactly do you expect when you post depressing sob stories like this? You are exactly what you believe you are. Quit being pathetic it’s embarrassing

 

We are all in pain so cut out your whining, even if this is a place to express it cut it out. Weeks and weeks we get posts like yours of weak mentality

 

Just look at your thread title.

 

You obviously don’t have to care about my opinion. But you’re just allowing yourself to stay in a negative mindset with posts like these man that’s all I’m trying to say. The reason I commented in the first place is because I hate to see another person having a shitty time and complaining to the world like Reddit and other sites. That will never be the fix.

 

I can understand what the person who replied to you is trying to say but he should have worded it in a better way if possible.

I definitely understand your frustration about this addiction to porn. It feels like we are sentenced for life imprisonment within our own minds. When we talk negatively, it is out of anger. Only addicts know what that means. I urge you to not speak of suicide or dying because the truth is life is still there for us to live it. This is coming from someone who is struggling with porn addiction for almost 20 years and yet I still have hope that I won't stay in this position all my life. I refuse to think that way even when my feelings are overwhelming. Keep trying until you overcome this addiction. We can do it.

Read "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson. A very beneficial learning book that will help you understand your problem.
Also watch videos on YouTube by Dr Trisha. She is an expert on porn addiction recovery and has countless of videos on the topic.

Other methods to implement on your recovery is cold showers, cardio/weight training, eating better, drink water, avoid junk, sleep early, meditation and another thing is to change your environment. So if you are relapsing on your bed then change positions or change the bedroom around. Maybe sleep elsewhere but leave your phone, laptops or whatever gadgets you use in another room. Read on what we can do to be more productive in this journey.

Lastly, this journey is not an easy one and we all know that. However the strength we gain afterwards makes this a worthy fight. Don't discredit yourself. Instead give yourself credit for continuing to leave this addiction. All the best

 

Hit the gym. Start properly taking care of yourself. Get addicted to positive habits. That's the thing that kept me going. I know this sounds trite, but I was in a similar state like you in my 20s and working out was what kept me from killing myself. It's doing something positive that you can tell to yourself is good and helpful.

 

First, forget about your ex completely. She no longer exists. Delete her phone number. Throw away or burn any pictures you have of her or with her. Delete her from all your social media accounts if you have any. Even delete any connections you have with any of her friends. She no longer exists for you. Even if you see her in person, ignore her. Act like you’ve never met before. Truly take it to this level.

Next, now that she is out of your life COMPLETELY, you need to get some good dopamine producing activities going. Exercise is great. Life weights. Swim, run. Make your body into the best shape of your life. Go eat a good meal somewhere. A really tasty meal.

These are the first steps. You need to forget about her completely. She is dead to you now. You’ve got to really grasp this

 

It's a crazy feeling, yes. It's hard to understand it at the beginning, indeed.

I felt like that back at the start of 2021. My ex had left me, I have no friends because I barely trust people, nowadays there are tons of fake out there that will show one face when they're near you then once you leave their sight that face vanishes.

I felt lonely, with no one to talk about, so I came to this forum, lucky for me I found marvelous people to talk with. Some gave me advices, some helped me to keep going, some made me see that this crazy feeling was just normal, that it would vanish one day just like everything in this life, even happiness is temporary.

I had no money literally 0 USD, no job, living with my parents (still do), felt like a useless piece of shit just masturbating in front of my pc wasting my energy, watching how my life was passing through in a third person perspective.

And then...
I dropped that shit feeling, went outside, didn't give a fuck about anything, about no one, neither about me.
Went to the gym, people at beginning where looking me like making fun of me, still didn't give a fuck.
Went to take walks, went to cinema alone, went to eat alone to a restaurant, went to parties and bars alone.

Gym got me some muscles, my perspective about life began to change. People started looking me like 'hey you lookin good man' some even started asking questions about what was I eating for gym, how was I training. My confidence raised to the moon.
Got a job, got a new girlfriend, suddenly my bank account started to $$$, from 0 USD now I had 300 USD then 500 USD... Started buying whatever shit I wanted, now people started to want to hang out with me, I was the mfuckin loner that was enjoying so much being alone they wanted to feel same as me.

I ended up 2021 with a whole new perspective of life. You can imagine how I engaged this 2022.

Things take time, take your time. Heal up. Don't give a fuck about people, about things, about nothing. Everything is temporary. Pain is temporary, love is temporary, happiness is temporary, sadness is temporary. WE ARE TEMPORARY.

Give a fuck about you, and that's it. Hurt no one, be you. Let them see, let them analyze, let them envy, let them love, let them. LET THEM.

 

I feel the same way, I wanted to just writhe in it, close the shades on the window and encase myself in myself, stewing and coming to terms in due time, having my fill of my sorrow and then walk on out of the room still sore on the inside but not as much as yesterday.

I get it, because I do it too.