The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Congratulations! The first days are the hardest! Stay with your eyes open, you probably will keep getting urges after this for a few days. If you do, don't worry and stay strong! It will pass fast.

 

Day 171

When I'm alone, and could potentially watch P, I have sometimes this involuntary thoughts that come to my mind, thankfully they're so weak that can't get even close to become an urge. It's really dumb, like:

*I'm alone in my room about to search something in YouTube

My brain: - let's search for H
*I'm like: bit*c please.
*Then answer:
- nope, we're not searching that sh*t
*Or I'm like:
- why the F you keep asking, we won't.
*Then I proceed to search what I was going to lol.

It's anoying, to say the truth. I believe it's the result of years feeding that habit. Maybe I can do something to reduce and eliminate those thoughts?

 

Relapsed!!!! today and yestarday . waaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Nagzul again. Tomorrow I wiil start exercise again, I paused that because I was taking care about my health (I had covid the last week), but I will start again tomorrow. I dont want to relapse again. I know that I can do it.

 

Checking in day 22

 

Day 41 comple, all good.

I tried it twice. It frees you from shyness and social fears a bit.

 

Day 343

 

Day 1: Orc (The spell of porn is strong in you)

I feel that last entry was lengthy, but a bit stale. This one comes from the heart.

I’m tired after being on my feet all day at work… non-stop walking! What really got me though is a lack of sleep and a feeling that my vibe was really off. I felt really insecure around the girls as usual. It’s come back stronger though. I feel like I just creep some of them out. My fears and insecurities surrounding the opposite gender are substantial enough to really fuck up my vibe towards them.

I started to loosen up towards the end of the shift though. I had a nice, but brief chat with a co-worker about all the crazy people that shop at the store. I ended up talking to another one a good bit too.

Me and the later co-worker seem to have a lot in common and are coming at the world from a similar position. She’s very awake which is rare for someone in my city, let alone a girl of her age. She really sees through the lies in a world built on them. This makes her very refreshing to talk to and I can’t help but play the mental game of whether she likes me or not. This is an endless cycle I get into with girls I like. It only happens with one girl at a time, too. The most common piece of evidence they don’t like me is: “oh my god, they don’t give me obsessive and undivided attention every waking moment I am around them even if they are busy with another task such as you know… their job or something like that”. It’s like my brain is trying to disqualify me so that I shy away and don’t face the danger it seems to think women represent. It also seems to demand someone make me the center of their world and me them

If I look at it from a positive angle there is often a lot of evidence that they do like me. I’m getting a bit better at scanning for that I think. I got what I thought were some body language cues from her, but I’m no expert at reading them. I will just say that she does a rapid singular hair preen at certain key moments during conversation. Does this mean she thinks the stakes are high because possible rejection is on the table? I also catch her looking at me sometimes which could be significant because “the eyes never lie”. I was lightly studying female body language for awhile to help me clue into this stuff and help break the negative narratives. I should return to that and sharpen my abilities there.

In terms of the nofap journey I have completed the first day and become an Orc. These early benchmarks are starting to mean a bit more again. I think that’s a good thing. I couldn't sleep much last night so I got up and started doing affirmations: “I don’t need porn.” That is a message that covers every inch of a page in my notebook. I’ll do it again before bed. I also sent my accountability partner a message on WhatsApp. It feels good to get this train moving again!

My psoriasis is acting up… It’s correlated with things like stress and cold weather, so it makes sense right now. I’ll shave in the shower and hope applying the expired skin cream I have helps. If you don't know, the skin on my face starts to flake once in awhile.

 

Streaks are getting longer. But the peaking/fishing still remains and i will hold true to the promises i made myself

Day 0 - Nazgul,
The Dark Tower Barad-Dûr

 

Day 3 here all my fellow comrades.

 

Cheking in Day 6 !

 

That is of course if you are doing great things habitually. Mediocrity and settling for less are habits too.

 

Pray, meditate and relocate to new environment if you can.

 

I’m just checking in on you buddy. I assume since we haven’t seen you in a few days that this slip has turned into a slide. Just know that you are important to a lot of people in this group and we are anxiously waiting on your return. Please don’t let this temporary setback define you. You have what it takes to beat this thing but you have to get back to day one. I’m praying for your return.

 

Day 336 no PMO.

 

Day 24

 

Probably your last fight before becoming a warrior! You will be worthy of your title!

 

Checking in
I have been dreaming quite intensely. No dirty dreams so far, but they are vivid and I can remember them.
Good week everyone!

 

Day check
Reaching the 360 days this year.

 

Check in day 119

 

Day 23 check in