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withdrawal journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by fisherman9009, Jan 7, 2022.

  1. Exit To Freedom

    Exit To Freedom Fapstronaut

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    Give yourself credit for how far you've come and the positive things you've mentioned. They must surely outweigh all the negative consequences of porn use. I've been failing for a long time, several times a week. I get to the "tipping point", and I haven't found a way to not give in. I start to feel better, committed, and the addictive brain fights tooth and nail. By the way, are you really a fisherman? It's my number one passion, and I usually fish about 3 days a week until December comes along. It can be a great outlet. I feel like kind of a fake saying it, because of my problem with porn, but porn or no porn, it's the greatest natural escape for me at least that I know of. Healthy. Congratulations for getting as far as you have.
     
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  2. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    yes, I think that’s part of what is making this a little more difficult. That it’s winter and I don’t have a lot of activities to get out of the house. I usually work out a lot but with my eating issues right now I can’t really workout much on a calorie deficit. I’ve mostly been spending time with my gf and my dog and doing chores around the house. Once it gets warm out I’ll be going fishing and hiking a lot
     
  3. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    All week my legs have felt kind of tired and sort of heavy. Last night they started tingling and feeling kindve cold and itchy. Then I had a panic attack but it was only in my legs. It was super weird. I felt calm but My legs just shook. I told myself if I still had the tingling when I woke up I’d go see a doctor. So I went to the ER and they took my blood and told me I’m perfectly healthy. That it’s psychological and most likely due to stress. I’ve been tense and having anxiety almost every day for the past few weeks and can hardly eat due to it so I’d say this is another withdrawal symptom. Unfortunately my 90th day I’m not out of the woods yet. I was doing pmo for like 5 years straight for 4 to 5 hours a day so I feel like my case is worse than others so maybe my withdrawal symptoms are more intense
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2022
  4. StealthxRaptor

    StealthxRaptor Fapstronaut

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    I did PMO off and on throughout the weeks before deciding to quit, spending about 1-2 hours a day looking and reacting to Porn through M/O every other day on average. Sometimes a week would go by here and there without, and once, feeling guilty I went for an entire month in abstinence. That was me in my most recent years. When I was young and hormones were all raging I would spend more time, about 2-3 hours a day looking and reacting to P and on some days would PMO 2-3 times a day. Anyhow I had been doing this for around 20 years when one day, last October 22nd, 2021, due to anxiety/panic resurging after a session of alone time, I decided to quit. The weeks and months that followed were pure torture for me, mostly, suffering from massive anxiety, panic attacks, DP/DR, and depression that consumed my everyday life. I could barely stand to eat as well. I have been clean and clear ever since up til now, but it has been well beyond 90 days and although most days are clear, some days like today the anxiety, panic, fear, etc. the symptoms return to some degree and, once again, I am immobilized. Theoretically, considering time spent and frequency, yours should be shorter than mine because I have spent 4x as long P/MOing (if you don’t return to it again for good). I do believe in it being detrimental to our health, personally, and I know so do you, so keep staying strong and relying on those others around you that can help! I know we can do this!
     
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  5. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    Not sure what day I am on now. Day 100ish I would imagine. Overall doing much better than a few weeks ago. But still having withdrawal symptoms or rewire symptoms. The biggest thing I've been dealing with is digestive issues. Heartburn and just some days I have a great appetite and some days not. Ive read it could be GERD but I've never had that in my life. When I was having really really bad panic attacks every day a few weeks ago I think it just really messed up my gut and I think its recovering still. Ive been having really bad mood swings. Better than a few weeks ago but one second ill start crying like a girl then a second later ill come to my senses and get pissed and be like wtf? Its really strange. It feels like my hormones are going nuts. It feels like im going through puberty again where you're just very emotional and all over the place all the time. Sex drive comes and goes. Some days im so into sex I dream about it and wake up humping the air. Other days I have no libido at all. Id say im still recovering, on the upswing, but not out of the woods yet. Anxiety has been more managable and less frequent, but I still get it from time to time. I think I am coming out of flatline as I am now getting the urge to watch P again. I won't, I refuse to, but I can feel the urge coming back. Didn't have ANY urges the past 30ish days at all. So things in my brain are still changing. Overall just trying to limit stress and stay busy. The stress of quitting this has taken a big toll on my body though. I can just feel my stomach is wrecked from the non stop anxiety I had a few weeks ago. I know its from PMO because the whole past 5 years I was using I never had any digestive issues OR anxiety at all. I think I just abused P way more than the average guy. Some days I was PMO 10 or more times a day and 6 or more hours a day. But im going to keep going.
     
  6. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    Im roughly around 110 days. Although my anxiety overall has been better (so I thought) I recently developed chest pains. They wouldn't go away so I went to the ER and they ran an ekg, blood test, and chest X-ray on me and told me absolutely nothing is wrong with me. That its most likely anxiety. Ive never had chest pains from anxiety before so it was kind of freaky. I don't feel panicky all the time lately and im not really having any panic attacks like I was before. But the doctor said even if you're not panicking your body can still have anxiety symptoms, I didn't know that. I do have bad health anxiety now. My mind keeps getting intrusive thoughts about me dying in different scenarios and convincing me something is wrong with me when there really isn't. I now have a fear of going somewhere alone such as to the park for a hike and having a heart attack and nobody finds me. Thats such a crazy thought, but that's what im dealing with right now. I never had anxiety when using PMO in fact in the whole past 7 years I used i never had a panic attack once, and I definitely never had chest pains before so in my mind im contributing all this to withdrawal. Maybe it could be due to something else, but I still feel in the thick of major changes. Im going to make an appointment to go talk to a therapist. Day to day my moods are heavily different. Some days im in a good mood some days im depressed. Some days I cry for no real reason especially if im watching something emotional on TV, some days I feel normal and laugh about the thought of crying. I know I am a totally different person than 110 days ago because even my gf says that I am. We have been watching the olympics together and she even said "you never would've watched this with me before". She is aware of what im going through and is supportive. Unfortunately I am not out of this yet.

    The positives so far though have been great. I don't feel tired all the time. My sex life with my gf has been great, although im still not getting morning woods, when I do use it I get very hard and I feel like I got bigger down there. I feel closer to my gf, our relationship has greatly improved. I have more energy to workout and a lot more confidence talking to people. And although im dealing with everything I posted above, I do feel really happy. I mostly get sad over wasting so many years doing PMO. I feel like when you snap out of the trance of PMO you come back to reality and pick up where you left off so to speak, only you realize how much time you wasted and its something that is hard to deal with
     
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2022
  7. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    Cried for around 20 minutes straight last Night due to watching the olympics closing ceremony. It brought out a lot of emotions and memories in me. I felt like I wasted so much time in my life on pmo. Obviously I have repressed a lot of emotions and they’re all coming out. Still having some chest pains from anxiety. But feel like I made progress. I decided to totally revamp my diet, and if feel great after eating it. I’ve also started exercising daily even if it’s just a walk and I also make sure to get atleast 15 mins of sun atleast every day unless it rains. So overall I’m still going through changes but at the same time I feel like I’m becoming a new person and it’s a person I like. My sexual stamina is also going up. Today is the first day I felt like I could have sex with my gf twice in one day. I haven’t been able to do that since the last time I quit porn over 7 years ago. Dealing with some dizziness tonight. I had it for about a week a few weeks ago. Then it went away. Idk if it’s a nofap symptom or not. Maybe it’s dehydration, I’ve been trying to drink more water to see. But with all the changes going on in my head I wouldn’t be surprised. I even started listening to Kanye after not for over 3 years. Im a totally different person day to day. It’s kindve scary but also shows me my Brain is trying to heal. Still going strong. I’ll never pmo again. 110+ days now
     
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  8. Negan©

    Negan© Fapstronaut

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    Keep killing it brother..
    Id also like to tell you about some of the herbs i have started taking , some or all of which are beneficial for the adrenal glands and hormonal balance of the body , which PMO devastated ...it may help you..ashwagandha , tribulus , liquorice , shatavari ( queen of ayurvedic herbs ) , shilajit/ shilajeet , cowhage seed powder , magnesium and also giloy...try if some of them are available at your place..i just started taking them and id report about their benefits in a few days..
     
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  9. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    So far the biggest things that have helped me are:

    - Clean up my diet. I cut out almost all processed foods, I cook all my meals from scratch. Fresh meat like chicken breast, fish, etc. I also cut out mostly all added sugars. This helped my mood swings immensely so far. Also helped me have energy all day. Im eating more oatmeal, quinoa, and whole fruits and vegetables.

    - Daily exercise even if its just a 15 min walk or cycle. Getting the blood flowing as well as getting outside helps a lot

    - Playing xbox. Some people might say give It up and I tried that but I found talking to other people and having fun helps me more than doing nothing and isolating. Especially in the winter where we are snowed or rained in. Like today its pouring rain outside and freezing, can't really do much besides xbox, workout, read, etc.

    - Not thinking about sex. Surprisingly I don't think about sex much at all. It just kind of happens. My gf wants to do it more now than she ever did. Maybe I am radiating off more energy than I did before. I don't know. I also found it super easy to talk to hot girls who work at the store counter etc. Not that im trying to bc I have a gf, but just it seems like they try more to talk to ME. I feel like the more you focus on yourself and radiate happiness, the more you're going to attract others even if you aren't trying to do that
     
  10. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    I will definitely try it. I can say cleaning up my diet has helped a lot. Specifically I think lowering my sugar intake. Yesterday was the first day I tried it and I had zero mood swings whereas usually all day I go from energy to depressed to tired to sad etc etc
     
  11. Dale Cooper

    Dale Cooper Fapstronaut

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    This is an older post, so this might not be relevant anymore, but I can remember about 4 years ago, I was on a month or month & a half streak without porn. That Dark cloud was starting to lift a little bit. And suddenly, I just sort of catapulted into a really deep and overwhelming anxiety spiral. Like, nausea, despair, occasional suicidal ideation, etc. I didn't realize at the time, but in hindsight, I think it came down to this: For myself, masturbating to porn has always been a kind of opiate, a sort of self-medication. Masturbating to porn numbed me, insulated me from the suffering, angst, despair, etc. that I would often feel. In a very warped and broken way, it's how I was treating myself for a litany of issues.

    So, when I starting seeing some success in getting out of the cycle of compulsive masturbation to pornography, what happened? Pretty inevitably, these unwelcome emotions came flooding back to me, and as a result I spent month almost comatose, unable to think, functions, thrive. I would go to school, go to work, come home, collapse, repeat. Eventually I just buckled and went back to letting porn rule my life. It made the anxiety spiral subside in the short term, but it has made my life unfathomably worse in the long term.

    Now it's four years later and I'm on my 6th day without porn for the first time in 12 or 13 months, probably. I expect the anxiety spiral to return before long. This time, I pray, I'll be able to weather it until I develop healthier ways to deal with my difficult emotions.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2022
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  12. Negan©

    Negan© Fapstronaut

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    There may be a different angle to the " anxiety spiral " you say you experience ..it may be something else coz i experienced it too..so tell me do you feel dizzy after you wake up ? Do you feel like you're in a constant state of trance ? Do you feel like you should just somehow work the day out and just go to bed again..do you feel mentally fatigued ?..like you wanna do something , you arent tired but theres this internal force , sort of a mental fatigue that wont let u do the thing ..
    If you're experiencing something like that it may be adrenal fatigue or adrenal exhaustion...it aggravates when you try to quit porn , but comes into existence bcz of porn itself , and keeps getting worse over the years...
    When you said you went to school and just did the classroom and came back i could relate to it so much....i felt like i just had to go and come back to my bed , i wanted to sleep all the time..( if you're having adrenal fatigue , mine is worse off than yours )..i didnt want to stand up or open any book...i just wanted to sit silently on my seat , put my head on the desk and sleep...
     
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  13. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    Well guys im hoping this is my last journal entry and last day on this site. This site has been very helpful but im now over 120+ days and want to just move on with my life and live a normal life and not forget about my past but start anew. I don't plan on coming back here, not saying I won't, but I just want to stop thinking about pmo totally even as recovery, and just start living freely. I wanted to provide a total list of everything I went through, any tips I have, and just my experiences.

    Firstly I started around October 2021, I think. I don't remember the exact date. I had been using pmo since I was maybe 10 years old. Multiple times a day. Up to and over 10 times a day. Complusive and one O after another for hours on end, daily. I had quit briefly for a few years which I will cover below, but overall I was a pmo user for basically my entire life. Late 20s now.

    The reason I quit pmo was because I was tired of living like that. Hiding it from my gf made me feel guilty all the time and also affected our sex life. I decided on my own that I wanted to quit pmo for good. I also started getting bad social anxiety and paranoia. Fireworks would give me paranoia, and my social anxiety in a heavily crowded setting like an event would make me think people would want to kill me. The main reason to quit though was it made me feel like less of a man. And the P I would watch started to become very twisted and just, made me uncomfortable.

    The first 2 weeks were the absolute hardest. In fact, for about 3 months I tried to quit and would make it 2 weeks every time then relapse. This time I made it through the first 2 weeks of extreme urges, headache, and EXTREME anger. I was very very angry and would fly off the handle very easily during this time. The first 30 days I tried to redirect the sexual energy I was feeling towards my gf and towards a healthy sex life.

    The 30 to 60 day mark was an extreme fatigue. Depression. Not wanting to get out of bed. I would lie in bed all day long. No energy. No sex drive. No real interest in anything. A total grey feeling. Trouble sleeping.

    The 60 to 90 day mark was probably the worst. Extreme anxiety that came out of nowhere. Panic attacks daily. So bad that I went to the ER multiple times for chest pains, tingling in my legs, all told they were from anxiety. No appetite either.

    The 90 to 120 day mark was just an emotional roller coaster. Lots of crying which I never do. Confronting fears I feel I never did, such as the possibility of some day dying. Still minor anxiety such as shortness of breathe but no panic attacks. Feel like I molded into a new person. Feel way more balanced.

    Its now day 120+, and I would say nofap is worth it. This is the second time in my life I have stuck with nofap and it was the same journey as the first time years ago. Back then it went quitting>anxiety>emotions>healed. These are all the symptoms I have felt:

    - Anxiety/panic attacks
    - A stabbing feeling on top of my head, as well as minor migraines in the rear of my head
    - Legs tingling like pins and needs for 12+ hours
    - Chest pains and pressure in the chest
    - Restlessness/ can't sleep
    - Extreme anger
    - Extreme sadness and crying out of nowhere
    - Memories popping up from a long time ago
    - Dark thoughts that won't go away especially as soon as you wake up
    - No erection for a very long time
    - No emotions at times everything feels grey
    - No appetite at all

    If you feel anything serious obviously go get it checked out but also know that nofap made me feel all of these things and that I never had ANY anxiety before quitting PMO. I had not had a panic attack in over 8 years before quitting PMO.

    My tips which will help you quit:

    - If you need to, use a porn blocker. You can enable it on an iPhone using child blocker settings. However, I decided not to use this. I made a mental choice that I will NOT look at P ever again.

    - Dont replace pmo with a sex addiction. This happened to me in the past. I quit pmo only to start sleeping around all the time. This is fine if you're single and want to mingle, but I was dating someone and ended up cheating on them. Its very easy to quit pmo and make a tinder and start sexting someone.

    -Which brings me to my next tip. Don't sext. If you want to have sex with a girl do it in real life, in person. Do NOT ask for nudes. If a girl does send a nude don't look at it. I know this sounds dumb but I relapsed so many times but quitting pmo only to get a girls snapchat from tinder, sext her on snap, and have her send me nudes which would lead to me looking at porn again. DO NOT SEXT.

    - Quit pmo while youre young. It was a lot harder for me to do it now that im in my late 20s. Im still not old, but it was a lot easier when I was 20 and quit. The symptoms weren't as harsh.

    - Quit in the spring or summer. Don't quit pmo in the winter or fall. I quit in October and all winter has been very depressing. You can't really go outside bc of the cold and snow. I also got covid which was miserable on top of nofap. Winter depression on top of nofap depression is harsh. Try to quit in the spring or summer so you can go outside and stay busy. Obviously if you live somewhere like Florida this doesnt apply.



    With all that said good luck to you all in your journey. You may at times give in to pmo. You will fail a bunch of times until you finally quit for good. And it is worth it. You will feel 10 times better about yourself and about life.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2022
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  14. Dale Cooper

    Dale Cooper Fapstronaut

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    Absolute K-I-N-G
     
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  15. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    So im around day 150ish. I just wanted to provide an update. Things are going much better. Overall my life is livable again. The debilitating anxiety and depression are gone. The mood swings have lessened, but still come and go. Mood swings being some days I wake up and feel amazing, great mood all day, but some days I wake up and im just in a depressing mood where everything seems grey. My urges are totally gone in fact I've even accidentally seen images of women and its done nothing for me at all. I want real in person action or nothing at all. Social anxiety isn't a thing anymore. The biggest thing is my energy level has went supernova. I now workout almost every day, I started running, some days I even workout twice a day. I have even started finding new jobs and getting my motivational drive back. Now being "sober" and having a clear mind I honestly believe our society is plagued by porn and masturbation addiction and a lot of the mental illness people deal with these days is probably caused by these things imo but most people are probably either unaware or the medical community does not recognize porn or sex addiction as a real thing. If you read any of my posts just know recovery is probably one of the hardest things you will ever go though. Porn and masturbation for me was my "safe blanket" and when I gave it up I had nothing to comfort me in my times of extreme anxiety, depression, you name it. You are forced to deal with things you're afraid of that you didn't even know you were afraid of. For me it was death. The fact that you're going to die and who knows what will happen after. Its a scary thought. Coming to terms with that was hard for me. Also the fact that I feel like I wasted a lot of my life watching porn and I felt like a failure. Recovery is about changing those things and remolding yourself into who you want to be. It isn't easy, and I can't stress that enough. Some days you will feel like you're going completely insane. Some days you will feel extremely depressed and may even have suicial thoughts. Some days you may be so angry you will scream at your girlfriend and then 5 minutes later catch yourself and think oh my god what did I just do? and you'll realize holy crap porn addiction has made me completely nuts.

    I can honestly say since I quit pmo I have not had 1 fight with my gf. We used to fight almost every day. And since I quit we have the best relationship ever. I mean seriously. Its scary to think the power pmo has over us. I wish you all the best in beating this horrible addiction. If anyone ever needs advice feel free to PM me. Though I do try to stay off of this site, not because its bad, but just because I try not to dwell on porn addiction. I want to move on and live my life. Ive spent so much of my life wasting it on porn and I just want to forget about it and move on. You can beat this, but you need to be dedicated and honest with yourself

    If I have any substantial changes or updates in the future I will post them
     
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  16. AndreC

    AndreC Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing this. My experience with my SO is the exactly the same! Fantastic work with your recovery.
     
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  17. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    Update: got sick a few months ago and relapsed.

    I’ve noticed in times of weakness (real or perceived) such as being ill it brings the urge back.

    I’ve noticed anxiety is something I use porn to cope with. Any stressful situation makes me want to use it again.

    I’ve now been clean for 3 weeks and have just had my first anxiety attack again in about a year. For me, there is definitely a link to porn withdrawal and anxiety.

    I never plan to PMO again, tho I made this promise before.

    I have gotten better at noticing any triggers. I have to find new ways to cope with stressful times in life
     
  18. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    On about week 4 of this reboot and having random irrational health anxiety. Such as getting a leg pain and thinking I have a DVT. Working through it
     
  19. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    About a month into this new reboot. Anger everyday is gone. Into some new weird space where I feel like I don’t know my true self. It’s hard to explain.

    I’m now enjoying things I didn’t before or felt too mentally stimulated to enjoy the simple things before. I now enjoy a bird feeder watching the birds. I also enjoy walking it’s very relaxing.

    im still battling random anxieties I get. The main one is irrational health fears. Kindve like a hypochondriac. I’ll get a head pain and think I’m having a stroke. Leg pain I’ll think blood clot. Chest pain I’ll think heart issue. Obviously none of this is true and I’m fighting it. It just happens randomly and is intrusive and you get obsessed with it. I’ve started to ignore it. Hoping as I progress this will subside. I’ve never had these thoughts until quitting.

    I’ve become more aware of triggers for urges. Anytime I get frustrated with something it is a trigger. An example is if you have a big test or work assignment and you’re typing it up and you’re like man this sucks… you’ll find yourself starting to google things or tiktok etc.
     
  20. fisherman9009

    fisherman9009 Fapstronaut

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    Doing much better overall.

    still have bad mood swings.one day I can be happy the next day miserable.

    still having intrusive thoughts trying to give me anxiety but I’m better at handling it now.

    mild tickle in chest from anxiety today but it doesn’t really bother me

    continuing to stay clean
     

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