Content Warning. A certain type of porn that has destroyed my life.(Cuck Porn/Netorase Hentai)

I have been in hell from ever since I understood what the hell was I watching and I'm just so scared about my future. I'm scared that this filth is inside of me and it will never go away. I have been trying really hard but I guess not hard enough. The fucked up part is that when I'm in my streak,I start to get these thoughts of this netorare porn I watched and the part when the husband confesses the wife I start getting a boner to that and that just breaks me with guilt, regret, shame. Like, the scene of that porn starts playing in my mind of the hentai I watched and I just start to get an erection. And then just break into half. I cant talk about this with anyone. I relapsed many times. I had a girlfriend and I would never imagined doing this with her and I never will. I'm trying to look at this from porn addiction perspective but that 'what if?' that scares me so much like what would my parents think because if you watch filthy porn like this, it is assumed you are into that stuff right? that would mean I'm a.... I wished I just stopped getting a boner to this. I'm just so damn disgusted, ashamed, pathetic. I exercise, stay out all day and come to sleep home at night. I stay away from my laptop, I cant watch the things I love like wrestling and anime. I cant sit alone and I'm just running so fast that I cant stop because if I do I relapse. Will these thought ever go away? will I ever be okay? will I be able to do the things I love? I just don't know if this will ever go away. I'm scared to get a girlfriend or getting married. I don't even imagine in my fantasy this. This, all of this is too fucked up. I'm 23 and I have watching porn for 8 to 10 years. And I have searched downloaded tons and tons of filth but the situation I'm in now, this is the most fucked up I have ever been. A normal happy couple, I see them and I think they might be swingers or cuckolds and stuff. I just, I don't know. I talked to one of my best friends, he gave me a rubbish advice like that this is normal and you are fine. Once I get into practical life, job, kids etc you are going to forget about this, this is all because you have nothing else to think of or to do. You are lonely and bored and this stuff is normal and you are nothing like this nor do you have this kink/fetish, if you did you wouldn't be suffering like you are right now. Besides, you are a virgin.

I just don't want to carry this filth in me, I want to sit alone and relax, watch anime and fucking be happy than killing myself of thinking these stupid artificial problems.

Even now I just watched some threads and read their stories and like a thread about two friends got turned on by the thought of seeing others fucked and reading that thread made my dick move and it scared me so damn bad again that Its making me anxious and I want to cry bad. That happend maybe because I read it like porn and like when I think about it, it just scares me and there is nothing that is making my dick move? Like, fuck what if that happens to me in real life, like my dick moves to a story like that. Damn, Im so fucking scared I copied some of the post from my reddit here because like I just remembered how it feels like to get your dick moving to this stuff, like I want to run and run and Im so messed up, this is messed up. I came here because I was having issues with HOCD but then I thought lets see what other people are going through and their stories acted like porn, now I have this hole in my chest before I read a stories I made a comment on a post here, a kind soul made a post on sissy porn addiction but it had mostly HOCD and like shit I cant even type but like it was good and I understood but now reading those stories here, they are like porn. What if it happens in real life? damn I am so damn scared again. Im sorry but I didnt find any other option and like my fuccking shiity dick anything related to stories or words like cuck bull hotwife or stuff like a meme or a joke is good enough for thise to release precum. I precum on the thoughts of the porn I watched, the hentai images come to mind and i feel my dick getting tigther or moving or contracting and then I squeeze my dick like a maniac and then I see there is a hint of precum and that breaks me again and again. SHIT.

 

I am also became a cuck by now. I am afraid to go for a relationship or marriage. I know deep down i like to see her with an another man and i am not ok with that, eventhough my addiction want it. So my life is ruined by porn and sex addiction.

 

yes, it too comman nowadays. But, its not natural though. Who want a life like that, unless your brain is fried by pmo.

 

The good thing guys is that as I said, I dont have famtasies or anything, I know I wont do it but its more like SOCD, like where my porn addiction made me question my sexuality and its scares me, gave me anxiety, getting boners to stuff I watched, the novelty factor, the urge, I had a girlfriend and never would I imagine doing this kind of thing with her, I didnt faced any problems in my life until last year where, I just realized like what the hell I was watching, still the damage is extensive, what porn has done to me, the urge to watch that kind of porn is still there thats just how it goes with addcition, I truly hope you guys find peace because Im searching for it. Even though Im addicted, deep down now way in hell Im not letting anyone near her or touch her, I have always been very protective of my gf and this is the thing with OCD, it tricks you thinking that if you are thinking that right now. I will never allow it, I never got my dick up to the fantasy of that and I'm really just obsessed by the fact that I got my dick up, to such stuff and masturbated alot. Porn is dangerous guys, reading your stories here gave me so much anxiety right now and Im really scared again. I'm day 34 I think and I just hope this fades away. I dont mean any offense if it offends anyone, I try to help my anxiety and OCD through rationalisation because I had and still have this fear that what if I become a cuck? Like the question is how? What will I do? I won't let myself do it but the OCD attacks and anixety amplifies it. I haven't done therapy yet, Im not ready to go for it. I read a book call "your brain on porn" and you guys should check it you, it made alot of sense and made me rationalise, still some stuff scares me but scaring will only attract them and relapsing aint the answer. So atleast now, I know I aint "that" nor will I ever become one. I was and still am scared of the thoughts too but they are just thoughts, they make you anxious, fear and alot of other things. Just notice them and move on, trust me, you have thought alot worst. I have all the proof I need to set myself to on a path of healing, I just need to stay sane through this.
Good luck.