Help please, male viewpoint needed.

Hi all,
I'm just here to try to get a males point of view on mastubation as I've been thrown a curve ball by my husband and I'm really struggling to come to terms with it so I'm trying to establish if his explanation is the truth or not.

We have been together 8 years, been married for 6 and have 3 children under 5. We are very open with one another, incredibly in love and barely ever argue, apart from now- all the time.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my youngest (11 weeks old now) I woke up one night to find my husband mastubating next to me. He was using Facebook and a picture of a friend of mine. To say I was disgusted, devastated and heartbroken is an understatement. I was days away from giving birth and felt totally lost. It transpires he's been using Facebook to search for friends of ours for the last 2 years and 8 months. This also spans a previous pregnancy of mine.

He explained it as an alternative to soft porn which he initially used on his work computer when it all started. He got a virus on his computer which stopped him using porn as was worried that was the reason. He then used Facebook about once a month, sometimes more, sometimes less. In the six months previous to me catching him this changed to once a week due to having a smartphone and access being easier (he was using a blackberry previously)

I have seen the search history so know who he searched, when and how regularly and it is killing me that sometimes it was around big life events for us, for example my sons due date. Two people he used regularly and he looked up various people from diff aspects of our life inc babysitters, my friends, his colleagues and even his cousin. He has shown me all the pictures he used and they are all what I would think of as 'normal' pics of girls on a night out/on the beach etc

We have seen a marriage counsellor and it is helping but my husband insists that I am still the most attractive person to him (he also used pictures of me apparently) he loves me and the kids more than anything and doesn't fancy the girls he searched at all.

I considered ending my life over this, had to take sleeping pills to sleep and haven't been able to eat very much which has been incredibly hard with 3 small children to look after, they are the reason I am still here.

What I need to know is whether it is possible what my husband says is true, he says:

It was totally compartmentalised, he never saw the women he searched as sexually attractive in real life, their names just 'popped' into his head, it was about the wank rather than the individuals, he can't wank without a visual image, he didn't think about it at any other time other than when he did it, it was thoughtless and unrelated to our sex life or his feelings about me, it was escapism from a difficult time he was having at work in a high pressured job, no one image was preferable regardless of how often he searched a person.

Can this be true? I wouldn't be able to mastubate over someone I wasn't sexually attracted to, I wouldn't be able to see people we know as 'faceless' as he said he did (they are all attractive women) and I wouldn't be able to compartmentalise anything from him and the kids and because I never knew any of this was going on I feel betrayed and find it hard to trust his explanation.

If he had been using porn we would not be having an issue at all. I wish he hadn't got a virus on his computer because if once a month he'd looked up a picture of a girl in a bikini for a wank I'd be hurt but I would get over it.

So far knowledge of this has interfered so much with my everyday life. I have attended gatherings with at least 3 people he's searched for, I have been a bridesmaid for a bride he searched for, I have attended another wedding where there were people he searched for and a girl he searched for popped in to my two year olds birthday party (she is his godmother)

Because the pictures were not explicit, over sexualised or showing scenes of sex it makes it harder for me. I find it hard to be in public with him as don't know what he is thinking about attractive people in short skirts etc (he mainly liked to look at legs) If he had been watching sex scenes at least (a) he was using images for what they were intended for and (b) it is unlikely he would just come across the thing that turns him on in his everyday life.

He promises he never thought of it any other time than when he did which was 5 mins approx once a month, always at night, mostly after working late when I was asleep.

I just need a male perspective on this and don't know who to ask, can anyone help? How does he feel about these women? Does he fancy them? Why did he search for particular individuals? Why did they 'pop' into his head? Is it possible he was able to compartmentalise to that extent? Did he fantasise about them in the day too? (He swears he never even imagined having sex with them and there was no fantasy involved and that just looking at a body part was enough to help him ejaculate, he says he just used them as a 'tool' for a 'job')

He has commited to do anything that helps, he has come off Facebook, spoken to his HR department about leaving work early to come home at a sensible time to help me and has told his parents what has happened to show accountability. He doesn't think it was an addiction, says he could take it or leave it and never envisaged me finding out (or in fact never thought of it as anything related to me at all) He swears he will never do it again and promises that it will not be hard for him to abstain at all.

If you are still reading- thank you! Sorry I waffled on, any help would be so very appreciated x

 

But how does he feel about the women he searched? Is he sexually attracted to them in 'real life' or is it possible to just use someone as a 'tool' even if you know them? Thank you for reading and replying

 

No, it was just ordinary pictures on Facebook of people we know (I've checked all other history and the blackberry was a work one so couldn't use porn on it) He used to use porn before we were together (in his early twenties)but it wasn't really what I would call porn, just pictures on google images etc of girls in bikinis, as a teenager he would just use women's magazines or catalogues.
My questions are related to the logistics of male mastubation really- does an image have to be involved? Does there have to be any kind of fantasy/imagination or can it just be about looking at a body? Or is it different for everyone?

 

I'm surprised by that result, what study was that? Thanks DanVT I needed to hear that men need visuals because I was finding it hard to believe that he didn't use his imagination but if the majority of men need visuals it makes it easier to understand why he did this (as he says a visual was 100% necessary for him, porn not an option as work comp so only viable option for pictures and therefore compartmentalised escapism was Facebook)

 

And thank you for book recommendation, will be ordering it!

 

Thank you Cyrus and Skydoge. It is so helpful to hear what other men do as before this situation arose although I knew men and women were different I didn't really appreciate to what extent. I really appreciate your honesty. My husband is a really really good man and in my naivety I thought that meant that although he would have noticed my friends are attractive I never believed he would have acted on it. He insists it is more what Cyrus was saying about using a body part rather than a fantasy and I think I do believe this as he is not the most imaginative person and after all when he initially used porn in his twenties his preference was not to watch people having sex or use any kind of fantasy but simply to look at a picture in a magazine or catalogue. I also don't think he was addicted as the the mastubation was not hugely frequent, has only been for the last 2 1/2 years and he has stopped entirely now and says he has absolutely no desire to use anything again, the conflict that we have had and the fear of me leaving him has acted as a complete turn off in addition to the fact that the act could no longer be compartmentalised and thoughtless due to the extent of our conversation about it.
However if he were to mastubate again I would like to think he would use magazines or catalogues as I have really stressed to him that this is absolutely not about mastubation to me, it is about the impact it has had on my life because I have been unfortunate enough to see a digital record of who and when.

 

Thank you so much for your honest and helpful response TTTM. Where do you think the line is between 'normal' mastubation and addiction for men? If the majority of men need a visual in order to mastubate and mastubation is regarded as 'normal' behaviour by many then how do I know if he was addicted or behaving in a 'normal' manner? Just to clarify he did it about once a month initially (increasing to once a week for the last 6 months when I was preganant) for about 5 mins and it never impacted on his everyday life (obviously until I found out and now it impacts everything- for me) The abnormal thing for me was the images that he chose to use as it makes it harder to believe how compartmentalised it was (given that I knew all the girls) but he has explained that it was simply ease of access (on phone so already looking at it when on toilet, fear of work discovering porn usage etc) He said it was escapism from responsibility rather than excitement of the act (obviously excitement involved but I mean there was no pre emptive planning it was just a case of being on the toilet, fancying a wank and then using Facebook) Your thoughts on this would be much appreciated...

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply nfprogress, you have helped me immeasurably. I am saddened by my situation now but I am no longer disturbed by it. I can't believe it's taken me till I'm 30 to really realise just how different men and women are! It's strange because I've never been naive, have always been independent and have had numerous sexual relationships before settling down with my husband. Once again, thank you so much for your insight, there is no place in real life to question men about what goes through their heads when they mastubate and without it I was left fearing the worst. However much my husband reassured me and told me his point of view it didn't help- after all it was him that had shocked me. I hope you are succeeding in beating this as an addiction, you seem to be worth more than that.