Newfound clarity and a sense of purpose in life

Back in 2020, I often did not leave my room for any longer than 15-minutes at a time... to eat a meal and get back in. I then spent hours sulking over homework, laying in bed and looking at my ceiling, playing video games, and watching porn... all with my blinds closed, the dust piling around me, and my room deteriorating into a horrid mess.

I slept 4 hours or less a night. I hated anything that required the slightest ounce of effort. I pitied myself and felt tired from the self-pity and just slept off the tiredness. This went on for 13-months, and made up the deepest depression of my life.

In this self-indulgence era, I attained a lot of regret and despair... but I got a lot of insight, too. I learned who I would become if I did not give myself the right goals... the right livelihood... the right thoughts, beliefs, friends and routines.

It's real easy to embrace chaos, to sit down, and to watch it while your life deteriorates around you. It takes no effort to wallow in self-pity. And the mind... being a merry prankster with a dark sense of humor... really likes to keep you in this "comfy" bubble.

Slowly, what I found out was that... all my self-help goals were interconnected. When I did one small thing to improve my life... a dozen other small things followed.

When I was just starting to climb out of my rut, I chose to get a gym membership and spend 3-5 minutes running on a treadmill... 2 times a week. Sooner or later, I started running 10-minutes, 3 times a week. I started enjoying the process of leaving my house and being around fresh air... so I started spending time in my backyard. Because I spent time in the backyard, I felt more energy and clear-headedness... which I used to start pursuing a personal hobby... at first for just 15-minutes a day.

Now, I am happier than ever. I am running 4.5-8 miles every day, I am pumping iron every day, I am reading and learning about things that interest me, I am pursuing better grades, I am sleeping soundly, and my life has a cadence to it! It has a glow, a direction... a sense of purpose. I know what I am going to do with my life, I have goals to do it... and I am pursuing those goals... bit-by-bit... every day.

And the funniest thing is... quitting porn was this quiet goal in the corner somewhere... that resolved itself. I spent 2-1/2 years trying consciously to quit porn... and for this last month... urges were the very last, very smallest little nag somewhere in my head... the easiest thing to overlook and brush off.

How did something that took my life from me... disappear? It's all about self-improvement; I started reading, studying things I love, exercising, sleeping, getting proper nutrition... and I (magically) started "transmuting" my sexual energy into productive passtimes. Suddenly, I began to love my urges... for the natural source of energy they are.

Life is really just an amazing thing; control is possible. Freedom is possible. All it takes is movement; nobody ever made progress sitting and staring at their grand problems... they started moving in whatever way they could... and found great happiness from it.