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After years of secret porn addiction my wife knows

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by jrf18, Jan 13, 2022.

  1. SlimTeleGuy

    SlimTeleGuy Fapstronaut

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    I got an A!

    Thanks for clarifying what your position is. I feel that ignoring a clear expectation that was presented upfront (no matter how ridiculous) and lying in order to get something that you want is selfish & disingenuous.

    And I feel that starting a relationship/marriage in that way is pretty unreasonable. That's my position.
     
  2. Rick Over

    Rick Over Fapstronaut

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    Yup, I went a bit too far with this one in an attempt to be funny. Apologies.
     
  3. feedthebear

    feedthebear Fapstronaut

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    I’ve been watching porn my whole life. I knew it was a problem even in my teens. When my wife and I started our relationship, she knew that I looked at porn. She even encouraged it and wasn’t threatened by it at all. For years, even though I knew it was a problem in my private life, it had very little effect on our relationship.

    However, during the pandemic, I ramped up to a new level. I started contacting people, chatting with them online, asking for more content. She discovered this and was absolutely devastated. I came clean about the depths of my addiction and have been in recovery ever since.

    The road has been hard so far, both in the relationship and in recovery. But I can tell you this: commit 100% to recovery. Even though you will stumble, never give up. To rebuild trust in your relationship, you have to show her that you are committed to getting better. Share with her how you are doing, be as honest as you can be. Over time, trust can rebuild, and the relationship can be restored.
     
    trance_frog likes this.
  4. Strugglestreet

    Strugglestreet Fapstronaut

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    And what about the men who are driven to porn and masturbation because they have no other outlet? Because their wife has decided that sex is at the bottom of her priority list and no matter how faithful, hard working, dedicated and loving their husbands are it doesn’t make a difference? Why is it that the women in these relationships are never held to account? It’s always the man’s fault.

    It’s a well known fact that in general women have lower libidos than men. What’s the old saying? If you never want to have sex again, get married. There’s a reason why that saying exists. In MOST cases it’s the women who cut off the sex, not the men. I realise that plenty of men who may or may not be addicted to porn cut their women off from sex too, but this is nowhere near as common as the women cutting off the sex.

    I get annoyed that this website seems to drive the narrative that it’s always men watching porn and jerking off that leads to relationship problems. What about the other way around? What about hard working, dedicated, loving and thoughtful men who find themselves in relationships and marriages where they are simply cut off from any and all physical intimacy?

    I’m not trying to defend the use of porn and masturbation, I’m just a bit fed up that men always seem to get the blame for doing it completely regardless of the situation, like we’re some sort of selfish, nasty people.

    What are you supposed to do if you are in a committed relationship/marriage and have a family and you are just completely denied any and all sex from your wife? Just give up on ever having any sexual release at all ever again? Genuine question by the way.
     
  5. Strugglestreet

    Strugglestreet Fapstronaut

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    So you come to a website that helps people who have an addiction and you refer to them in a derogatory fashion as an ‘addict’. Well done you.
     
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    What about the men “ who are driven to porn and masturbation?”. You are not driven to porn and masturbation because you don’t get sex. You choose to look at porn and masturbate because you feel entitled to sex. I agree, it isn’t fair to marry and then have a partner say no to sex day in and day our. It is heart breaking. An adult then tries to determine “ why” is my spouse saying no to sex. They try counseling, books, asking friends, lingerie, losing weight, cooking great dinners, being affectionate, buying gifts, praying, begging, screaming, crying, talking, plastic surgery, makeup, talking, initiating, candles, more lingerie, more books…..divorce. They do not look at porn and masturbate compulsively, cheat on their spouse. Use it as an excuse to behave like a horrible person.
    The other problem with this scenario is the vast majority were addicted long, long before they got into a relationship. Sex addiction even when hidden affects the connection between two intimate partners.
    Many times women need more connection in order to want sex. Addicts cannot connect. So it’s starts a cycle of the addict wanting sex, demanding sex, but not having put in the time/effort to connect. If you go to saa groups you will hear the same thing in same sex relationships where one man just stops wanting sex. He doesn’t like being used, usually though, he walks out long before most women would.
    The addiction affects your sex life, not the other way around. Now, you could be married to a selfish woman who has as many problems as your addiction. Getting clean might do nothing for your relationship. Sometimes recovery shows the addict what a horrible choice they made in a partner. But until you are clean and in recovery it is impossible to separate other possible dysfunction in the relationship. It is also impossible to correctly view the relationship. Once your are several years clean and in recovery, then you can examine the relationship and see where the other cracks are. If you are married to someone who refuses sex even after you have gotten into recovery, then you either live with the amount of sex they are willing to have, you practice self control, or you divorce. You will not die without sex or orgasm. Does it suck to be married to someone who doesn’t want to connect sexually? Yeah. Big time. Hurts more than anything to be rejected that way. Even more so when all your friends talk about how their partner is going to jump them when they get home, and deep down you wonder why your partner doesn’t want you and everything you ever hear is how “ men “ want it all the time.
     
  7. silverlukas

    silverlukas Fapstronaut

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    My wife watches porn more than I do, sadly.
     
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Yes, unfortunately woman can be addicted also.
     
  9. Same damn thing happened to me. Except I relapsed after a year of being porn free. She said when I started my last reboot that if I failed again she'd leave me. So I had to start my most recent reboot attempt in secret. I'm hoping this time will be different since I can finally afford a support group for this addiction and I'm seeing a therapist as well. This is the only place I've ever been able to talk about it because all my friends and family don't think porn addiction is real.
     
  10. clairecsx

    clairecsx Fapstronaut

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    I sadly had no open and honesty. It was months of hell and neglect. I’ve put a post up of part of my unbelievable experience.
     

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