The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 4

Nothing new to report, still hanging in there.

 

Checking in Fellowship Friends!

Day 393 free of MO and day 2 free of Porn.

My mind has been playing tug of war, at certain moments yesterday. It's interesting that even a minor amount of numbing, brings forth a great desire. I suppose it reawakens the neuropathway of addiction, lights a spark. I was using logic to contradict the pull, exposing the desire for the liar and the thief it was. The fantasy would not occur to me, it would be just that..fiction. It would be a thief of my time, of the present moment. Interactions with real people and the real world.

I also woke up in the middle of the night , with this fear of impending doom. Very strange. Anxiety has been heightened again. I believe those who experience PAWs, are those who have burned out their central nervous system, more precisely overused their fight or flight response/adrenaline release, will evoke reaction from minor stressors. That takes time to heal. Regardless, along the journey of overcoming PAWs/burnout, the tolerance to stressors becomes greater, but there is also a "Pop-up" effect, where the symptoms resurge. It's important in those moments to continue your self-care, to use tools ,such as meditation, to put out the flame of a fight or flight response or even to tame the release of adrenaline. All this, to heal your response to stressors back to normal. For example, I experienced a feeling of overwhelm this morning, when I went to shovel the snow early on in the day. My mind automatically focused on the body warming up, the tension of overwhelm build up and the crappy humid weather, which made it difficult to breath. I suppose due to elevated cortisol levels in the mornings, I'm more prone to that feeling of overwhelm. That overwhelm is a feeling I dread and in many instances I may attempt to avoid it. But as I've mentioned many times, avoidance is the root cause of any addiction. I would take breaks, breath and explain to myself that this feeling is a lie, I'm quite active and this type of "chore" is nothing for me. I reminded myself that I use to love exercising in humid weather, as it was much more challenging and much more rewarding. When I finished, I went back in to meditate, to bring myself back to a norm level of composure. Writing out this entire situation makes it seem silly to me, but these are the instances that I need to conquer, small and seemingly unimportant, but necessary to teach my CNS to remain composed and regain its vigor.


Stay strong!

Thank you brother @JEBF , your support means a lot to me! Yes we must always remain vigilant and we most always sharpen our tools. I don't intend to give up this fight, it's as you say. Ups and downs, I have learned my lesson and will repair the armor, where it was needed. Let's keep moving forward together!

It is as you say, strength & honour!

Thank you at @SSS Vision , I appreciate your kind words brother. Those quotes came in at the right time. I will work my hardest to overcome the darkness this time. Let us overcome it all together!

 

Could you explain what you mean?

I've almost finished reading the book (80%) Self-Therapy A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, by Jay Earley. The author says that when we are children and experience some unpleasant / scary or traumatic events a mental wound is created and it keeps bleeding until it is healed. Yet before the Self is ready to heal the wound some defence mechanisms are created - we respond with anger / PMO / shut down (brainfog/ depression)etc.

I'm trying to figure it out - how to heal those wounds. The techniques in the book are a bit weird and cumbersome to apply.

Sorry, if this is too personal, just skip this answer. You said "avoidance" is the root of addiction. Do you mean avoidance to tackle some issue / feeling?

Recently a thought came to me after reading this book. Maybe every vivid childhood memory carries some meaning. Perhaps that's the reason we keep them in mind.

 

Check in day 144

 

Checking in.

 

Congratulations!!

 

Day 15...entering into Hobbitton...so excited for the new transition...

 

Day 6 completed

 

Alright so last night I did some solid self talk to stop myself from PMOing but today I woke up and completely forgot my self talk! I'm gonna make sure this isn't a sign of things to come however, from now on I'm gonna work on improving my self talk and using it any time urges come up. Back to day 0, shooting for day 19!

 

Day 3

 

Fellowship Check, and a quote from Strider on his way to becoming Aragorn, the King returned:

"A hunted man sometimes wearies of distrust and longs for friendship."

If any of you feel hunted today by familiar but insatiable urges, common but unfulfillable cravings, the numbing fog of apathy, the wish to let go of your struggle and stop caring, or that drumbeat of physiological pressure demanding release, know that you have friends here to encourage you as well as friends who are nearer than you realize to support you. Trust in real human bonds instead of the empty and deceiving counterfeits offered by that biological, neurological, physiological, and habituated predator which stalks you now. Fix your minds on the goodness of friendship, the power of fellowship, and let your burdens be shared and lightened. Your flight is temporary, the pressure is fleeting, and the urges will soon lag far behind you. Escape is in reach. We have your back.

 

I can hold my self all day long but for these bast few days, i get like hard emotional error that i am really really alone and lonely and no one actually understood me or liked me, even in my family my uncles and aunts, i see that in their eyes.
It just comes so deep than any emotion i have ever had. And after fighting for like half an hour i fall on p*rn, and when i woke up and realize what the heck is happed last night, i would cry -but i cannot- so i spend my day trying to capture positivity and most time i get hype and be good, but by the end of the day i am in day1 loop .

 

Wooow congratulations

 

Congrats

 

Pretty and awesome and great great job

 

Checking in day 97.

 

Write a post like this in your journal, and read it. Remember the Panic button: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/reboot-log-of-yambo.317152/

 

Amazing, thanks for sharing. Copied to my Journal.

Hey @mumchance this is a good candidate for Panic Button