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My Journey to Happiness and Peace

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Blondewife, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Dan, I have talked to Haggis about this until I am blue in the face and it hasn't helped yet. I am not hiding anything else from him (maybe I haven't explained details because I don't think that would help anything). He knows the main points though. I do trust myself not to do it again. Like I said, it's been almost a decade since I did this stuff so clearly I am not going to have trouble not doing it again. I do feel that I need to be punished for this still and I don't know why. I have made up for it 10fold and he says it doesn't even cross his mind anymore. I brought up to him that I was afraid I was driving a wedge between us and he said I wasn't. He is very understanding of everything and we know the reasons that I did what I did. I meditated last night while falling asleep.
     
  2. WOTL

    WOTL Fapstronaut

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    Hi Blondewife, I am sorry to hear you feel this way. This might help:

     
  3. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    I know this is only a small part of the equation, but it's important to note that none of this is any concern of Haggis's friends. It was and remains solely between you and Haggis. If they are still hanging onto it all these years later, which is really doubtful, then they need to get a life.

    And I know it's hard to get over that sort of guilt. But the only person hurt by your actions forgave you long ago. Now it's time to forgive yourself.
     
  4. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Dan, I have talked to Haggis about this until I am blue in the face and it hasn't helped yet. I am not hiding anything else from him (maybe I haven't explained details because I don't think that would help anything). He knows the main points though. I do trust myself not to do it again. Like I said, it's been almost a decade since I did this stuff so clearly I am not going to have trouble not doing it again. I do feel that I need to be punished for this still and I don't know why. I have made up for it 10fold and he says it doesn't even cross his mind anymore. I brought up to him that I was afraid I was driving a wedge between us and he said I wasn't. He is very understanding of everything and we know the reasons that I did what I did. I meditated last night while falling asleep.
     
  5. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Eleven. I know you're right.
     
  6. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    And thank you Warrior. I will check that out.
     
  7. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    Bingo.
     
  8. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    I'm starting to feel better today. I have been repeating to myself that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks- all that matters is that Haggis and I are doing so well. No one else is in this relationship with us and it really has no baring whether or not they approve. Haggis and I have been very intimate lately (actually for a couple of months now). It is something we do before we go to bed every night and it is beautiful.

    I noticed again last night that his blockers aren't quite working the way they should and I got a little uncomfortable. I brought it up to him and he said he has just been too lazy to fix them. I believe him. I told him that if they haven't been working properly for about a month now and he hasn't had any problems, he may not need them anymore. It has been almost 8 months.

    We are finally having the 2nd group of people through our house this Saturday for the last housewarming party. While part of me is looking forward to it, part of me will be excited when it is over. I will be cooking dinner for everyone and need to make sure the house is very clean which shouldn't be a problem because I clean every day.

    I got up and made Haggis biscuits and gravy (first attempt at making homemade biscuits) and have some errands to run before work. I have my first test in Pharmacology on Monday and need to be preparing for that as well. I will continue to tell myself that today will be a good day!

    Good luck everyone!!!
     
    Haggis and TheWife like this.
  9. DanVT

    DanVT Fapstronaut

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    Please please tell me you made white gravy...

    Glad things are improving between you two, and with yourself and your inner struggle.
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  10. yousuff

    yousuff Fapstronaut

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    Very motivating story. I must admit it is a sweet love story too. I think you may share links of your diary to new female fapstronaut who seek help, specially from woman.
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  11. Toven

    Toven Fapstronaut

    I needed to read this, after a 20 year addiction myself. Thank you. All the best to you and your husband.
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  12. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    I'm back after over a month. I have been having some issues lately and thought it was about time to update. It seems that I usually come here when I'm having issues instead of updating when things are going great. Most of the time, things are good but for the past couple of weeks, I find myself worrying whether or not Haggis is having problems and worrying myself to no end. He has been 276 days clean and I would like to accept this. I get private messages all the time from women in relationships that ask when will the trust come back, when will the pain stop, when will things get back to normal. While I would love to tell them that everything is great and back to normal after all of this time, truth is, it isn't. Is it much better than it was at the beginning? Of course but how can I say when things will get back to normal when things were never normal to begin with?

    I have no reason to believe that he isn't clean. We still have sex fairly regularly, not as much as we did in the beginning but still more than when he was PMOing by a lot. His attitude hasn't changed and he hasn't slipped back into a rut like before. I just wish I could figure out what is causing me to have these feelings again. He doesn't journal anymore and I guess that could have something to do with it. I also made it perfectly clear at the beginning that if he lied, I was leaving so I find myself wondering if he is afraid to tell me (he says this isn't the case). I go to him whenever I have thoughts like this and he generally takes it pretty well but lately I've been noticing he seems a little annoyed when I bring it up (especially when I bring it up every day).

    We have a date planned for tonight and I've been making beef stew all morning so we can eat when we get off work before our date. I'm sure everything is okay, I am still worried though.

    Stay strong everyone!
     
  13. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I hope that you have a wonderful date night. Now I want stew for dinner as well. Sounds delicious.
    I'm sorry that still have tough days. I hope that they become few and far between.
    Hugs.
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  14. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I think it's fairly normal to still have doubts. People have doubts all the time about lots of different things. I imagine it's almost like rebuilding a relationship after one person has been unfaithful. You're probably always going to wonder. I guess the only advice I've got is try to forgive the past. Let go of those doubts. It seems impossible I know. But I think if you've decided to travel along this road together then it's the only way you'll be happy. I have no idea how you do this mind. I guess it will just take time. Hope you enjoy your weekend xx
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  15. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Hmm, well things don't generally go well when you deliver ultimatums to people i.e. you stop doing... or else I will... :rolleyes:

    Evidently, you suspect him of 'wrongdoing' every day! I doubt many relationships could survive it. He sounds like a saint if, under that level of scrutiny and cross examination "he generally takes it pretty well"! Is it any wonder that, sometimes, he "seems a little annoyed" by your paranoia"?

    You say, "I have no reason to believe that he isn't clean". Well, I suggest you change your behaviour accordingly. :rolleyes:
     
    NoBrainer and Blondewife like this.
  16. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @TheWife, @DireMerl, and @IGY. I appreciate the comments as always.

    IGY- you are correct about the ultimatum but I don't think a marriage can survive with lies so that's why I gave that. I also wouldn't consider it "paranoia" when it has been less than a year that he has been in recovery and over 9 years of lying. I'm very honest with him about my feelings (as he has asked me to do). In the beginning, he told me to feel however I had to feel for as long as it took me to get over it. Clearly I'm not over it yet. I am working on changing my behavior. My behavior toward him is not negative in the least except when I bring up my insecurities to him. I have debated whether I should just keep them to myself but he asked me not to. I always appreciate you weighing in though. Thanks IGY :)
     
    Strugglesaurus likes this.
  17. seventyniner

    seventyniner Fapstronaut

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    Whenever I think of you two, doubts are not what crosses my mind. (Just to add another perspective.) I see Haggis and you trusting each other to go step by step together, no matter how tough the steps are. I see Haggis gradually developing from a serious PMO candidate into a serious Fapstronaut and nothing short of a hero. I see you making good changes in your own life and reaping rewards. And I see both of you making tons of progress and reaching major milestones (new place to call home, anyone?). Don't let that progress out of sight! It is not undone by having doubts. You may not be "there", but you're way more "there" than when you started out. Many, many times, you've said that the it's worth all the effort. Now it's our turn to remind you of it.

    Enjoy your date! And tell Haggis 'Hi' from us.
     
    The Eleven and Blondewife like this.
  18. WOTL

    WOTL Fapstronaut

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    Fully agree with @seventyniner , and we'd like to hear from Haggis too.
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  19. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    That's a spot-on description of us. Relationships aren't necessarily even about where you are, they're about where you're headed and how you make each other feel. We'll never be perfect, as individuals or as a couple, but I'd like to think we're night and day different than the way we used to be :)

    As usual, there seems to be a lot of individual stressors merging together to create a big, convuluted blob of stresses that all kind of melt together. I think it's me that she's the most worried about because she's the most scared to lose me. The little things she can handle, but adding the fear of me turning back can sometimes push her into paranoia and greater fear. She doesn't harp on me or accuse me of things, I think she just needs reassurance from time to time. And I'm always happy to oblige.

    Oh, and hello again NoFap, I'll be seeing a bit more of you in the future. I got out of the habit of journaling and it can only help reinforce me to associate more with all you fine people :)
     
  20. Strugglesaurus

    Strugglesaurus Fapstronaut

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    Yay, Haggis is back to spread good will and success throughout the land! :D
     

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