What not to do with husband to avoid triggers

I am here because my husband is trying to reboot from porn to improve intimacy and connection ( and I am with him even though I am not technically addicted) but I have been told here that limiting sex for a while is a good idea but there are many things we do during the day that appear to trigger to have sex even though I don’t do it because I want sex but rather intimacy or just being me. I know men’s and women’s perspective is different so I am curious what men think women not do. 1. Cuddling while watching a movie? No? Cuddling in underwear/short nightgown, with bare legs, appears to be triggering. So, no skin to skin? Every time I cuddle with him he think I want sex. Not true. i don’t know if it is just my husband who doesn’t understand the concept of cuddling… 1. Kissing? 2. Holding hands? 3. Coming out from the bathroom in a towel appears to be triggering? 4. Non-sexual massage? The goal is to maintain intimacy without sex and without triggering porn viewing. What is fair and what is not?

 

Thanks! I do think he is being truthful. He is really trying. We are not in hard mode yet, but hard mode definitely be hard not only on him, but on me. It is also just really hard, now that we removed porn it became obvious that it is so so difficult for him to achieve o without it so it making me feel very devastated even though i know it is because of porn but deep inside I am having all kinds of thoughts.

 

Thanks! I think this may be an issue of personal choice and view but I don’t see addiction to sex/orgasm without porn and with spouse the same way as unhealthy addiction to masturbating with porn without a spouse. I love sex with spouse and I want my spouse to love it too more than porn , if he is addicted to ejaculation with me, i see no problem..it contributes to intimacy.. and I don’t think this stage in life lasts that long… already now we start getting “ knee pains”, “ back pains”, “ headaches”, “ tiredness” and whatnot not to mention that having alone time and time was a challenge in the last few years. Our 3 kids are 3 years apart each. I would rather enjoy it while i can even it it is called sex addition to a spouse. Still, barely, one could call it a true addiction because with 3 kids and jobs it is more of an evening hobby. The only reason we tried to abstain is so my spouse could “ heal” but it looks like just cutting off the porn is doing some magic. In my opinion porn is the problem, especially the way my spouse was using , not sex or ejaculation.

 

I think this is where we would disagree. I believe sex has both biological and spiritual purpose, you can’t just separate lust from love with a knife and make a clean cut . They are interconnected. levels of oxytocin increase with orgasm.It helps reinforce the early attachment between mothers and their infants, as well as the bonds between romantic partners.whatever it does it is just amazing, I know it as a wife as a mother. If being “ drunk” from oxytocin is considered an addiction so be it but it is definitely an addiction worth having. Also, i think this disgust towards “ lust” is somewhat christian even puritanic notion. In moderation lust is good.

 

Honestly, i want my husband to both love me and lust for me just like I both love and lust for him. The amazing balance between the two, love and lust is really amazing! Porn has no place there but removing lust out of the equation is just denying that we are human and created the way we are. I wouldn’t pretend to be religious, I am not , I am a believer though. In my religion of birth marital sex is recognized as good, yes there should be moderation as in everything but desire exists for both men and women and has to be satisfied

 

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No, actually get it lust is excess of sexual desire , when it is not in moderation, for self but look at the context of discussion. Werinfinite here suggested to abstain from sex with spouse for a week or more and the conclusion that if one can’t and has urges but means that this person has a sexual addiction. But again I think this view is limited to people with certain set of belief that sex is bad, lust is bad, sexual desire is bad.

Ok, may be lust is but not sex or sexual desire. Being non-religious but spiritual again I have to agree here with my birth religion...that sex, especially in marriage is good and not bad or addiction


One the one hand condoning headless uncontrollable lust.…

“Do not obey those whom We have caused to neglect Us and instead follow their own desires beyond all limit”


Also promoting marital relationship because it is a gift of God…

“And among His signs is that He has created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may live in tranquillity with them; and He has created love and mercy between you. Verily, in that are signs for those who reflect."

But on the other hand, promoting and not shaming marital sex:

“… and in a man's sexual intercourse (with his wife) there is a reward.” They (the Companions) exclaimed, “ …is there reward for one among us who satisfies his sexual desire?” …“You see, if he were to satisfy it with something forbidden, would it not be a sin on his part? Likewise, if he were to satisfy it lawfully, he is rewarded.”….

Also not only disapproving of desire but in fact mandating female satisfaction of sexual desire:

“Do not begin intercourse until she has experienced desire like the desire you experience, lest you fulfill your desires before she does.”


From psychological perspective too …in certain cases Withholding Intimacy and Sex can be even called ABUSIVE if the couple is otherwise healthy and able to have sex.

The bottom-line having sex and desiring sex in a committed relationship/marriage more than once a week is not lust or addiction it is simply nature, hormones, pheromones and what not, and I refuse to agree with a view that it is an addiction. For me this is extremism ...really… May be there will be point in time, one day in the future when I am old and after one week , even a month even a year ....and there will be no urges and it will be ok... but, right now, this sounds like a joke really...