Accountability for All

Day 35 in the list!! Trying to survive my overthinking thoughts which are irritating me but when I try to analyze my thoughts it's nothing there is nothing to think or worry just wasting time in meaningless thinking.

 

checkin'!

 

Okay relapse relax relapse I am now pulling my head out of my ass and I need to focus a little more everyday on my genuine life goals also it is clear that I need to read my yellow book every day which is a record of 20 years of my really screwing up my life every time I screw up again I write something in there it's so helpful.... then meditation...
Then relaxing and really giving myself breaks when I work too much...
I'm finally going to bed before I'm totally exhausted....
Taking loving care of myself seems so bizarre: it was specifically what I was trained not to do....
Ok thanks for seeing this...

 

Day 71

#total_new_habits = 8
#days_of_new_habits = 42/80

origin of the voice, self-fulfilling prophecy, when-it-is-going-to-end (nothing to complain about)
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So, I have been away for some days .. life is going well .. much more than expected .. and I know that this is not only for me .. it is possible for everyone .. and I think in this post I may touch on the most important parts of this journey .. they are as in the title .. let's start with the first one .. the origin of the voice .. with days going along, and miraculously being able to resist the temptations of the voice, one starts to realise sth .. I am not this voice .. I may actually be very very different .. if not the opposite .. at least potentially .. so, the question comes: who/what is this voice? .. before I thought it is my older self and I am trying to get rid of it .. but see .. everyone loves himself .. that is by default .. why would I harm *my own self*? .. It does not make sense that I am telling my own consciousness that here are the things to do to get a drop of enjoyment and an ocean of misery and despair .. it just does not sum up .. well, maybe I won't be able to tell you where this is voice is coming from .. Still, I will propose a model .. whether you believe it or not .. it is up to you .. but I can say it is working well .. it may not make sense as a story .. but it does make sense in practice .. and I think that is more important for now .. so here is what I am proposing .. the voice could be seen as a person who failed his own life .. one who is bitter .. desperate .. all his dreams were crushed .. being in the worst state ever .. and even getting worse as the time gets by .. completely TOTALLY depressed .. does not like anyone .. including himself .. and from someone like that .. you do not expect to take heat-warming advice .. he wants to bring everyone down like him .. he only feels better for a fraction of second when he brings you down .. he wants you to be like him .. a failure .. alone .. no friend .. no beloved .. no hope .. full of anger .. full of lust .. full of jealousy .. no dreams achieved .. and it hurts him to see you succeed in anything .. it hurts him to see you being on a good track as a good human being .. it turns him crazy .. it reminds him how low he got .. all his life mistakes pass by his mind every second .. torturing him .. driving him on fire .. he wants to burn everything .. everyone .. including himself .. he does not care about you .. your sadness makes him happy .. your despair, turn his hopes up .. your relapses and the associated confusions, depressions, anxiety warms his heart .. why would you want to please someone like that ? .. why do you care about him ? .. he tries to frustrate you .. to overwhelm you .. to confuse you .. to break your heart into pieces .. to drive you mad .. to isolate you from your loved ones .. to make you ignorant of who you are and who you could be .. he studies you very well .. he knows your weaknesses and knows how to exploit them .. do not follow him .. his road to you has nothing good .. you keep losing on that road .. he will make you complain and asks "why this or that happened?" and then offer you his medicine .. which is a poison .. do not take the poison .. it is not good for you .. you are not him .. you do not have to be .. you can choose sth else .. you do not have to listen to him .. ignore him .. he has no power over you .. he casts illusions on your mind to control you .. but he only can control you if you agreed to listen to him .. otherwise he has no power over you .. you are free .. but you can lose your freedom .. only if you will so..

# Refraining_is_my_dignity

"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair"

 

let me continue over the previous post a bit more .. how can we use this model? .. first there is a condition for using that model .. the condition is that we try to exert effort to release our necks from the capturing of the voice/temptations .. the only way I know of is to restrain ourselves from doing what he is telling us .. if we are doing 100% from what he is telling us .. and then we managed to make it 99.99% that is progress .. that is a day accomplishment .. baby steps work .. the progress would snow ball very fast and in a month or two, one can find that he changed a lot .. maybe I expand on this topic later .. but this is the main thing I wanted to talk about ..

The second topic is a technique the voice uses to hunt us using our own minds .. the self-fullfilling prophecy .. do you remember sth like: "oh, I did bad in the exam/meeting/assignment/trip (or any other task), and I think I will be in a mood that triggers me to binge for a month, set down watch movies and series and binge, sleep in the day, wake up at night and keep on that for few weeks at least until it does not feel good anymore " .. yes our past mistakes may affect us .. yes we could fall in the same patterns .. but we have a choice .. it does not have to be that way .. it is not deterministic for us .. you have infinite choices to choose from .. the fact we chose bad choices for so long, does not mean we have to choose it every time even if we do not want .. this is not equal that .. we have to take care of that .. because the more we fall in that trap, these two different things start to be equal in our minds .. but they will never be in reality .. NEVER ..

The third topic is another technique the voice used a lot on me .. until now .. and being aware of it makes it weaker .. the voice wants us to fall .. it almost sounds as if he does not stop (actually he does A LOT !! but we forget .. ) .. and the question rings in our minds: when these temptations will stop? when these voices will be silenced? when will I be a normal human being? when will it be possible to not think about all of this ever again? .. we can find ourselves asking such questions 100 times a day .. and we notice that the more we ask them, the more frustrated we become and the more unstable we become, and in many times, it has actually lead us to relapse just to silent such questions .. here is what I think .. I am sorry to say this but bitter truth is better than any illusion .. I do not think it will COMPLETELY stop .. it will absolutely ABSOLUTELY decrease but not to zero .. and if you really tried to track it, you can find that yourself .. this addiction got installed by many of us in hard times as a way of relieve and here is the problem .. the coping techniques that we used in our addictions got installed directly close to the parts of us that are vulnerable, which get exposed whenever we are stressed, emotionally volatile, or generally challenged .. and life is FULL of THAT .. after years of abstinence it may come as an option to our minds when we are stressed .. maybe we will laugh at it but it will probably show up .. so .. what to do? .. adapt .. you will get used to it .. do not get very angry or very anxious about the voice/temptations .. see them there .. say hi .. and move on .. that kills them .. it seeks your attention .. that feeds them .. do not give it .. learn to ignore .. consider it like clothes you have to wear .. do you ever complain about the weight of the clothes on your body? .. No? .. so consider it like that too .. wear them and move on .. just do not look so much in the mirror )

 

In the past 129 days I have:

* PMO'd 9 times but not fully relapsed
* MO'd 1 time but not fully relapsed
* Averaging 14.3 days on strict PMO nofap
* 8 days straight nofap streak so far

 

This is my First day and also my first attempt with AP. Let's break this chain together.

 

Day 1.

Need to accountable.

 

Day 2....
Feeling alive again

 

Day 36 in the list!! Trying to ignore the thoughts, overthinking and voice which is distrubing and irritating me. It is spoiling ny work and exams and my potential.

 

Withstoot carnival, only had 1 small urge when I wanted to clean snapchat, almost looked to long, but it went good after all. Day 16 today, I feel like I am in the flatline for almost a week now, makes me sad as the holidays are over and we need to do a lot this week for school so I need my brain to work better. Has anybody tips? I will keep going strong with the journey and don't give up as then it get even worse and the flatline we go over and then it will be better.

 

Don't ignore them, be aware of it and let them be without acting on the thoughts, otherwise it will turn out in a relapse. When you are having a hard moment, get out of the situation and the room and go for a walk aroubd the block or something smalls like this.

 

I recommend the HCT-method, when you act o willpower, chances are thad the results will be the same.

 

Has anyone had trouble with remaining consistent? Its day 0 for me, sometimes I'll hit 90days, hell ive even hit 6 months before but some days I'll only make 2 weeks. Really feel like I'm close but that last hurdle is sometimes the hardest.

 

In the past 130 days I have:

* PMO'd 9 times but not fully relapsed
* MO'd 1 time but not fully relapsed
* Averaging 14.4 days on strict PMO nofap
* 9 days straight nofap streak so far

 

Day 37 in the list!! Depressed and irritated with my thoughts and anxiety.

 

Day 3

 

Day 1.

Momentum is against me a little. Need to control stress better, the part that I can.

 

Day 4
Bro, for the past few weeks i have been reading your comments and seriously you need therapy(its up to you). You are an over thinker, you cant focous on things bcuz of this problem. Hope you understand