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Did Lack of a Sex Partner Cause My Addiction?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by TonyH, Mar 7, 2022.

  1. TonyH

    TonyH Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure if this is the correct place to start this thread but here goes. I'm wondering if I would have had a sexual partner and enjoyed sex as a teenager that would have prevented me from becoming addicted to p***. I became addicted to p*** as a teenager and just enjoyed it partly because I was lonely, wss a healthy young male and did not have a sexual partner. I got married when I was 25 and as it turned out my wife had a very low sex drive, was very inexperienced and unfortunately did not enjoy sex as much as I did. I loved masturbation, especially mutual masturbation. She did not and was so self-conscious. I'm wondering if she would have shared my love of sex and masturbation and had a better sex life, would i still have been addicted to porn?
     
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  2. vibemaker

    vibemaker Fapstronaut

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    How do you know your wife has low sex drive?
     
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  3. TonyH

    TonyH Fapstronaut

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    She was uncomfortable talking about sex, was content with sex once every other month, occasionally masturbated but did not like to talk about it, difficulty achieving orgasm.
     
  4. TonyH

    TonyH Fapstronaut

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    She also was annoyed if I asked for sex more often or initiate sex more often, if I just asked for her to take care of me she said she felt like she's being used. I thought this was kind of odd because we were married and that was one thing couples usually would do with or fot each other
     
  5. To answer your first question, no, your addiction was not caused by the fact you didn't have a sex partner.

    Yes, you would still be a PA because, again, your addiction wasn't caused by lack of sex with another person. People turn to addictions because they don't know of any healthy ways to deal with difficult or painful emotions, and therefore, they use things like alcohol, drugs, gambling, or sex/porn to help numb themselves so they can avoid feeling those emotions. When you get big dopamine hits, it makes you not feel sad, lonely, rejected, bored, or whatever it is that you're trying to avoid (temporarily).

    A lot of PA's believe that once they're married, their addiction will go away, but it's almost never the case. If the root cause hasn't been dealt with, it won't go away.

    Some SO's are fine with doing this for their partner, but it makes sense that some might feel used in this situation because that's essentially what you're doing...using her to get off. It's clearly not about sharing intimacy with your wife if you ask for that.

    Does she know about your addiction?
     
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  6. vibemaker

    vibemaker Fapstronaut

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    To me, it doesn't sound like she necessarily has low sex drive. It's sounds more like there's an issue with sexual shame or any blockades or paradigms around sex that inhibit her in expressing her sexuality.
     
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  7. Maybe she has another guy?
     
  8. jcl1990

    jcl1990 Fapstronaut

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    This topic was not discussed before the marriage happened? About her not enjoying sex very much I mean.
     
  9. TonyH

    TonyH Fapstronaut

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    To catch up:

    Yes, my wife knows about my addiction. We talked about it and that it's pretty much end of discussion. The plan was that i would stop using porn which i have done for the past year except for one brief relapse for one day.

    Most of our 30 years of marriage consisted of sex 10-15 times a year. She did not crave intimacy as much as i did. I did masturbate through mostof our marriage because my needs were not meet or i wanted sex more than she did. I did abstain for a6 month period with no notable changes in our relationship.

    No history of sexual shame i know of. But she has always been very introverted and faster initiates deep conversation

    She did not like talking about sex before marriage. We were intimate when engaged but our love quickly fizzled after becoming married.

    No she does not have another guy. She is obese and has very little energy. She spends most of her time on the recliner watching tv and playing on her computer.
     
  10. timegoesby

    timegoesby Fapstronaut

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    It’s not an excuse, but it sounds as if you have had very little outlets for sexual energy during your marriage. Maybe you took the route of porn over actually cheating on your wife. @hopeforhealing said you would have been a porn addict anyway, since people turn to addictions because they can’t deal with emotions, etc. ( and I agree) but in your case, it sounds like it’s a “which came first the chicken or the egg” thing. Your wife’s sexual attitudes could have actually been the source for your addiction. It sounds like your wife would not have ever gone for sexual counseling, if she won’t even talk about sex. And if you didn’t believe in divorce for whatever reason, it makes total sense that porn would become your addiction of choice. It appears entirely possible that if your wife’s sexual appetite and attitude toward it would have been even a small percentage closer to that of your own, your porn addiction may not have become the addiction that it has become (possibly just casual use) . Your wife’s disinterest in sex DID control you in it’s own way, which is something to be acknowledged for what it’s worth on your journey of healing.
     
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  11. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    He said he became addicted as a teenager. No amount of sex would stop his addiction. He would just continue with both.
     
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  12. adamexe

    adamexe Fapstronaut

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    Well, I'm sure it doesn't help.
    For instance in my case, having found myself without a partner during most of COVID lockdowns, I think it's quite clear that my conditioning towards porn has increased. I don't know if the addiction has got worse, but the consequences of it have. I suppose it's not independent from the fact that for a long time, the only sexual stimulation I got was from porn, as opposed to having it be a mix of porn and real sex.

    However I don't think the addiction itself is caused by a lack of partner, or that having a partner would fix it.
    Even when I did have a girlfriend, one with whom I had a satisfying sex life, I did use porn routinely. From time to time I'd find myself actually craving porn, not sex. Of course, the two were not necessarily separate. I'd use porn and masturbate and then I'd feel disinterested about having sex later that day. There is no doubt that my use of porn slowed down my actual sex life.

    Again, to conclude, lack of a satisfying partner didn't cause your addiction. You did.
     
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  13. timegoesby

    timegoesby Fapstronaut

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    The last 2 comments are true, one can only blame themselves for any addiction, but having a partner almost completely disinterested in sex certainly didn’t help him in fighting his porn addiction. I have known people with addictions who put them to rest (permanently) after they found a communicative, supporting partner, and this guy unfortunately didn’t seem to have either of those things from his wife.
     
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  14. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Problem is porn addiction affects the relationship even if it’s hidden. For many women this turns them completely off sex because they feel used. Fix your addiction then address any relationship problems. I agree that a partner who forms a connection with the addict definitely helps, but it’s the connection not the sex that helps.
     
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  15. TonyH

    TonyH Fapstronaut

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    I think part of why I started this thread was after 35 years of marriage I'm at the point where I'm thinking what if. It's always easy to look back and question yourself and your choices but you have to live with life. You have to live what you've chosen and all the consequences. Part of it it may be just feeling sorry for myself but I wonder what if I would not have gotten married to this person, how would my life have been different?

    I'm not going to blame her for my addiction that started before long before I met her. You know it's a pretty wild thing when you think about when you are teenager and you're discovering sex and you're almost kind of deciding what your sex life is going to be like. What made it really hard was I had no one to talk to about this. I was having all these new feelings and urges it is a forbidden topic to talk about pretty much in society and definitely in my family. So you keep all the stuff inside you and then all the sudden you get a person that maybe you can start sharing it with but it is such a gamble to reveal yourself and expose yourself like that. I kind of look at masturbation then as the warm-up. I foyer watching all these different women and men having sex and being excited and wondering would it be like what it was my turn. It it's kind of how I first started thinking about sex and exploring it.

    Part of the problem was I was so shy and introverted unconfident in myself that I never had a girlfriend until I was 23 years old. My whole sex life before that involved looking at women in magazines and masturbation. Then all of a sudden you get this partner and you going to make the sex life your own and it just didn't go well. Part of that is definitely my fault because I was addicted to p***, but I also wonder what would have been like if I had a different mate.
     
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  16. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I get that…. I’ve often wondered what it would’ve been like to not be with a porn addict. To not be crushed by his constant betrayals, his disconnection, moodiness and utter selfishness. I just wanted a normal relationship like my parents have, and my grandparents had, and my one sister had, and my cousins had. A marriage that was not marred by addiction and constant lust for what he didn’t have. Yeah, they would’ve been nice. I probably would be a much different person. You deal with the life you choose. I chose him. Until I didn’t. Until he 100% chooses me, I will not choose him.
     
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  17. fredisthebes

    fredisthebes Fapstronaut

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    I was already sexually active before I discovered porn. In fact I had had several (well, a couple) of girlfriends before a lengthy dry period escalated my very casual use to something that began to be a problem. I'm sure it can seem like discovering this stuff before sex, as a teenage virgin, causes the addiction, but the truth is that you can develop this addiction at any age, for anyone.
     
  18. TonyH

    TonyH Fapstronaut

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    The last sentence really hit me. I never really thought about how this was affecting my wife. Most of us that are addicts are so concerned about hiding it that we never really consider how it is affected our significant others. I have talked to my wife about my p*** addiction in the past but she is really not very open to conversation. I'm usually the one in the relationship that opens most conversation especially deeper emotional issues. I've always try to be open to her needs probably before my own and I feel like I've always been very kind and supportive to her in spite of physical and emotional problems that she has. I know she is always been very self-conscious her whole life about her physical appearance due to the way she was raised by her mother and she has been to counseling for that but she's never quite got past that.

    As I said before I am very supportive and conscious of trying to help her but it has been very frustrating and depressing to see the way she has reacted to her situations. She prefers to stay in her little spot physically and emotionally day after day and is content with not growing. I'm afraid it just makes her spiral downward and our relationship really is spiraling downward also.

    Thank you so much, Psalm, for your Insight. It does give me a lot to think of. I do have to consider how selfish I have been.
     
  19. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Oh man, see, the fact that your wife already had confidence issues about her appearance would only be compounded and magnified exponentially with the realization that you use porn. I’m surprised she has sex with you at all. I didn’t have those issues, I was the complete opposite. I talk openly about everything. I was confident and very adventurous, even in sex. My husband pretty much killed that with his addiction and the behaviors that come with it. It does affect your partner, horribly. As my husband has gotten further along in recovery, we have discovered just how much it affected our relationship. How much it changed me, right along with how much it changed him. I will say this, you getting into recovery will make things better, it may not change your wife, but I bet you will see a difference in her attitude towards you.
     
  20. Longtime27

    Longtime27 Fapstronaut

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    Hi @TonyH, I would say that none of us here can say for sure the answer to your question. All our experiences will be different.

    To my mind, the context of your marriage and the lack of reciprocation or support for your sexual appetite (which doesn't exactly sound like you were being unreasonable to me), could quite easily be an environmental catalyst for your desire to turn to porn to meet those missing needs.

    There very well could be other factors, but it sounds like maybe sexual therapy for both of your might have been an avenue to explore. My other feeling is that this is simply a limitation of the monogamy model. Whilst some may find the 'perfect' partner for them, we all change, we all grow, and so do our needs and desires. And it is possible that for many of us, our partner will not tick every box on our own 'needs' list. That's where compromise needs to come into play, or trying something totally different.

    If I had natural desires for more intimacy and sexual connection that were rejected, I could imagine easily for me that I could have a negative emotional response, and perhaps turn to something like pornography to fill a 'perceived' gap.

    All the best with your recovery friend!
     
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