10 years of trying to quit; I think now is the right time to let go

Hey guys, I want to briefly give an account about my experience. I have been trying to set myself free from this addiction for so long now, that I kind of lost my spirit after the multitudes of failure. I have made multiple accounts on this site but I deleted them due to my frustration after my failed attempts to stop. The best streak I have came close to was 70 days. I need to retrieve my determination and strength to put an end to this suffering. I have wasted 10 years of my life time. I won't allow such a horrible thing to sabotage my life away and turn be into the perverted weakling I have become. I need to survive this and save my life and my after life. May Allah help me and help us in this fight. I will be updating my progress in this thread, just to be able to track my progress and receive any feedback. God bless you all and guide all of us to live a life of purpose and virtue and seize the gift of life we have been provided with to survive to Jannah (heaven) inshallah. My main goal here is to learn to able handle urges and progress in my life away from porn.

 

3 days done alhumdullah, I have been blessed with a general feeling of relaxation and self-confidence. Very motivated to carry on and complete my next milestone of 10 days.

 

Have been trying everything, starting from the tips used in ybop book to what's in SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION method, accountability partners, day counters, working out, cold showers, psychotherapy and even went on antidepressants for some time. I am currently trying to improve other things that have been causing me to relapse like my studying habits because most of my relapses occur due to academic frustration. I would find myself unmotivated to study and this causes a great deal of guilt ultimately leading to using pornography to cope with the low mental state.

 

It saddens me to post this, I have relapsed. relapsing circumstances: "I just came from outside and was feeling a bit down, then I went to my room to study and found out that no one was at home". I got urges and overly feeling that I would ultimately fail so why not enjoy it. It saddens me that I have given up without a fight, without trying to go outside, or do anything to suppress the thoughts in my brain. I failed horribly and due to this, I spent 12 hours of edging to porn and watching gaming videos, I watched all sorts of messed up porn: all categories and every website I have used to watch, reddit, twitter, forums. straight, transsexual, gay, lesbian and everything in between. I even went out looking for telegram channels that share non consensual nudes of local girls of my country and other countries. All while stroking a limp penis. This account I am giving rn may be quite graphic and it is very likely that you are going to despise how deviant and perverted I am. I totally agree with you, my sexual taste, masturbation and porn watching rituals have been morphed to be extremely unsettling. I have read more than once about this in the YPOP book about the dopamine theory and overstimulation that leads to desensitization of the brain, the escalation however is quite shocking. What really depresses me is that I got used to it, I no longer feel guilt or pain or shame due to this behavior. I am living in the shadows doing all these things while acting in front of my family and friends as if I am someone else. A hard working, religious, straight 24 years old man. I am suffering in silence. Whenever I reach to a good place, I fall back to a place far darker and depressing. May Allah, changes what I have allowed myself to become. I need to start taking this more seriously and put in mind the thousands of days I have wasted on this thing.

 

you are absolutely right, I need to start setting boundaries for myself and blockers to prevent me from acting out on triggers when they show up. I has always been setting up a porn blocker in my pc and mobile phone but I have found out that it does not prevent me from relapsing. On the contrary, sometimes I would have fun dancing around the red line, I would keep the blocker activated and would look for soft-core material to get me started and then deactivate the blocker to view p afterwards.

 

I think I need to have an active approach this time, reread ybop for example to refresh my memory about the accounts written in the book and methods used to avoid relapsing.