Did Lack of a Sex Partner Cause My Addiction?

TonyH · Mar 14, 2022

Thank you @Longtime and@Psalm for your feedback and support. I'm glad to have someone I can discuss these issues with. I wish my wife would be open to discussing but I've tried in the past and it just hasn't gone anywhere. I'm not optimistic about the golden years coming up. I don't really see us resolving anything but we will coexist in a marriage with diminishing love.

I feel that actively viewing porn will not be a problem anymore but i will have to deal with its effects. I will also have to be more aware of how it has affected her. Pondering the "what if" questions probably isn't helpful, it's just my pity party.

Armin1 · Mar 17, 2022

TonyH said: ↑

I think part of why I started this thread was after 35 years of marriage I'm at the point where I'm thinking what if. It's always easy to look back and question yourself and your choices but you have to live with life. You have to live what you've chosen and all the consequences. Part of it it may be just feeling sorry for myself but I wonder what if I would not have gotten married to this person, how would my life have been different?

I'm not going to blame her for my addiction that started before long before I met her. You know it's a pretty wild thing when you think about when you are teenager and you're discovering sex and you're almost kind of deciding what your sex life is going to be like. What made it really hard was I had no one to talk to about this. I was having all these new feelings and urges it is a forbidden topic to talk about pretty much in society and definitely in my family. So you keep all the stuff inside you and then all the sudden you get a person that maybe you can start sharing it with but it is such a gamble to reveal yourself and expose yourself like that. I kind of look at masturbation then as the warm-up. I foyer watching all these different women and men having sex and being excited and wondering would it be like what it was my turn. It it's kind of how I first started thinking about sex and exploring it.

Part of the problem was I was so shy and introverted unconfident in myself that I never had a girlfriend until I was 23 years old. My whole sex life before that involved looking at women in magazines and masturbation. Then all of a sudden you get this partner and you going to make the sex life your own and it just didn't go well. Part of that is definitely my fault because I was addicted to p***, but I also wonder what would have been like if I had a different mate.
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TonyH said: ↑

The last sentence really hit me. I never really thought about how this was affecting my wife. Most of us that are addicts are so concerned about hiding it that we never really consider how it is affected our significant others. I have talked to my wife about my p*** addiction in the past but she is really not very open to conversation. I'm usually the one in the relationship that opens most conversation especially deeper emotional issues. I've always try to be open to her needs probably before my own and I feel like I've always been very kind and supportive to her in spite of physical and emotional problems that she has. I know she is always been very self-conscious her whole life about her physical appearance due to the way she was raised by her mother and she has been to counseling for that but she's never quite got past that.

As I said before I am very supportive and conscious of trying to help her but it has been very frustrating and depressing to see the way she has reacted to her situations. She prefers to stay in her little spot physically and emotionally day after day and is content with not growing. I'm afraid it just makes her spiral downward and our relationship really is spiraling downward also.

Thank you so much, Psalm, for your Insight. It does give me a lot to think of. I do have to consider how selfish I have been.
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That really touched me because I'm so familiar with your situation. It is happening to me right now.
I'm 26. Never have a girlfriend. It was not very common in my religious society till last (let say) 10-15 years and it was like a stigma.
Now, I don't have that much money, I don't have a decent job (although I have a Master degree in Mechanical Eng.) , I'm not Attractive to have a girl friend.

And only hope for me was getting married some day so all of this hardship goes away. Recently I understand that because of my porn usage ,my sex-drive is so inflated which no ordinary woman can satisfy it so I should quit !
But thinking of being stuck in a marriage like that scares me so much.

Niallram20 · Mar 17, 2022

TonyH said: ↑

To catch up:

No she does not have another guy. She is obese and has very little energy. She spends most of her time on the recliner watching tv and playing on her computer.
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That'll be why she doesn't wanna have sex then

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Did Lack of a Sex Partner Cause My Addiction?

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