THE INTERSTELLAR CHALLENGE !

I have been on Day 0 since Monday and now it is Friday. I seem to make it almost to 24 hours and then I relapse. On day 1.5 no P, and day .5 no MO. I set my global counter to midnight last night as even if I had not MO'd, I have been feeling really shitty. In part because of PMO, but not entirely. I am just trying to figure out my life which is hard. I will be day 1 in about 11 hours, so I just need to stay strong for that, then rinse and repeat taking it one day at a time, and at this point, one hour at a time. Hell, if I can tell myself that I can make it the next minute and a half without P (when I am having urges and not at work like right now), then I just set a timer and keep doing that until the urges go away.

I got up at 5am today and then washed my dishes and laid back down at 6:30AM until 9AM. So in total, I got about 8 hours of sleep. I have seen some things talking about splitting your sleep schedule into two parts. Going to bed about 9PM getting up at 2-4AM, staying up until 6-6:30AM and then going back to sleep until 7:30-9AM. I have seen studies that that works really well for people who struggle to sleep through the night, and who are wide away during the early hours. That way they can be productive at those early hours in the morning while still getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night.

I don't know if that is for me, but I can usually get up for 1.5-2 hours and then sleep for another 1.5-3 hours after that. I am not sure how it would work, but I go on break in less than two weeks, so I can start trying it out before I return to work and school. Maybe it will change my recovery schedule as well.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Hey guys, it's Feynman here. I haven't come back for nearly half a year, how are you guys doing? Just to update you guys a bit, I just became a freshman in Physics major! Yay! I still keep on trying Nofap and I've just watched a video recently which utterly blew my mind. Wanna share it with you guys. I'll come back to this platform more often now lol

Nofap: 99% of Men Are Clueless (NoFap Benefits Timeline)

 

Welcome back @Fine Man ! Good to see you again! I took a three month hiatus myself until NoNutNovember. Congrats on your admission into an undergraduate in physics! I would have sworn you were much older by how you carry yourself and your interest in Feynman, so color me surprised, haha.

Anyway, good to see you back!
Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 4 - Have not posted since day 0 (whoops!)

It is about a quarter to 5am here and I slept for about 3 hours. Normally I get insomnia when I miss my sleeping med, but I took that last night so I think my thoughts were racing. I could not focus enough to meditate at first, so I played Yugioh until 1:30am and then I was able to do my sleepy time meditation and fall asleep. My family's Christmas party was last Saturday and I invited my best friend and until recently, romantic prospect (she did not want to commit to a relationship). I had invited her months ago thinking I would be introducing my girlfriend and the love of my life (and I know that is big to say, but everyone else sees our compatability), but that fizzled out. Anyway, I thought, no big deal, she is still my best friend, and I have started to move on. But then yesterday (or maybe Sunday), Mom told me that Lexie lights up when ever she sees me and that nobody else can understand why we are not in a relationship when we clearly love each other. I don't know what to say? I am not the reason, and everyone knows that, but I fail to understand why Lexie does not seem to know that. I told her I was moving on because she would not commit, but realistically, two months later, I am still madly in love with her, and I know she feels the same way, so I am not sure what I should do to make this happen? What can I say to get her to see what everyone else sees? That I see? I know she feels the same way, she has basically said so, so why are we not well on our way to the rest of our lives? (Note: these are rhetorical questions, not looking for answers from the forum).

Anyway, I was on a binge until Friday when I finally got my act together, though my active recovery did not start until yesterday as yesterday was my first day in two weeks that I accomplished most of my recovery tasks (that is, exercise, reading, meditation, cold shower, journaling, etc). I feel good despite 3 hours of sleep, though I need about 8-9 hours to fully rest (as do most people), so hopefully it is an early night tonight. Semester is almost over, and I am incredibly ready, so I am preparing for finals, and then it is the winter holiday, and then my Master's exams and the start of the next semester. But before I get ahead of myself, it is Tuesday, the last day of classes before finals.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 5 - Drone Catcher @hoping_cannon

While I have gone on YouTube in occasion these last few days, it has been with a purpose (i.e, I am going to watch this YouTuber, and no binging videos). As such, I have had minimal triggers. I also have not watched much TV either. Just been listening to podcasts and audiobooks instead. I got up at 5AM this morning, poured myself coffee and now I am doing laundry. Life is going pretty well. I accomplished all of my goals yesterday and though it is only just before 6:30AM, I am on track to accomplish today's goals. I am done with classes for the semester (with the exception of finals). Stress is manageable so I am not triggered from that.

I realized that while my pornography use is in part tied to an addictive personality, I realized recently that my masturbatory behavior along with some of my viewing habits are related to OCD. MO has become an OCD ritual if you will, as I the "only" way to relieve the high anxiety generated by my thoughts is to masturbate. My therapist and I have debated whether I should be masturbating. He thinks it is okay to do in general, and I have struggled with that. However, if it is an OCD behavior, then it would be best to resist MO'ing for now as the best way to treat OCD is to ride the anxiety wave until it reaches the shore of relief. As such, I have had the desire to MO these last couple days, and I was able to ride the wave until it went away. I was up until 1:30AM two nights ago due to my refusal to MO to relax (not the only reason, my thoughts were racing, but I know that MO in the moment would have relaxed me, and then I would not have directly coped with the anxiety from the thoughts. So I played Yugioh instead and got through it.

I have a lot of Obsessive-Compulsive thoughts and actions around sexual fantasies, and pornography fills a role. That is, it distracts me from the darkest sexual fantasies that I find particularly disturbing, though then it feeds the addiction aspect which is not good. So all in all, I think my PMO/MO use is more driven by OCD than addiction, but addiction plays a role, and each reinforces the other.

Anyway, have a good day, all!
Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 6

I finally have an argument that convinced on of my therapists on my desire to not masturbate. Besides being a "ritual" to escape the stress from uncomfortable fantasies, not MO'ing gives me a sense of power and accomplishment. While I am not against MO and I am not saying I will never do it again, for now, I feel so powerful when I have urges to PMO/MO and I do not.

In other news, I am on day 3 of getting up by 5AM and staying up. I drank about 5 cups of coffee this morning, but I am still awake and really focused. By planning my mornings around some chore before I start my day, I find I am more likely to stay up. Two days ago, I did my dishes and made Banana bread. Yesterday, I did my Laundry. Today, I took out the garbage and recycling. Tomorrow I will sweep and mop, and then I will clean my bathroom. Saturday I will have to figure out my task, but it is keeping me up. In fact, I forwent some of my chores until after breakfast, as I was working on my take home final from 6AM-8AM. I got 3/10 problems completed, and I am now at the coffee shop drinking hot chocolate, and working of finishing the last notes from this semester. I take a break every 50 minutes to clear my mind, so now is my second 10 minute break, and I am finishing this post which I started this morning and continued during my last break. I am doing really well, and if I can get up by 5AM tomorrow and stay up, then I will have broken my longest record of days in a row of getting up at that time. Honestly, I cannot wait. When I go home to my parents' for Christmas, I am not sure how I will start my day. Since my parents' will be asleep at 5AM, I do not readily want my alarm blaring and waking them up, not to mention that I will have no school work or chores to do. Maybe I will do the kitty litter boxes for them. That way I am doing a morning chore and then I will be woken up.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well.
Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 0 - Farmer - MO'd this morning

 

Day 2 - Farmer

Never posted yesterday or the day before. Was really busy. I PMO'd the same night that I MO'd in the morning. It was potentially related to the MO (chaser effect), but I also had a traumatic experience earlier in the day when a guy recorded me in a Target saying I was afraid of COVID but not social distancing. (I was wearing a mask and we were in a crowded store). It was really offensive because the man made all these assumptions about me and when I got home, my blood was boiling and I relapsed. It was to relax from my fury, and then the next day, I stewed all day, until I realized that I handled the situation perfectly. I could have said all kinds of nasty things to him, but if I was recorded doing that and it got out, it could look bad on my employer (I work for a public university), so my standing there not saying anything was the right thing to do. In fact, if the general public saw the video, I am sure they would think him the asshole, but at the time, all I could think about was my rage at him. I have for the most part forgiven him and released him from my anger, and I feel a lot better. I just realized if I stayed angry, I would relapse again and again.

So I am 3 days away from Drone Catching and I know I can make it to that and then to Finding-Coordinates and Astronaut again. The trick is getting past the week and then two week marks. However, I know I can do it if I focus on my recovery.

One thing that happened on Friday was that I started to search nudes, and I found quite a few, but in that moment, I looked at these women's faces (versus their nude forms), and I saw them for their humanity, and I could not masturbate. In fact, as I looked at their eyes and say their humanity, personhood, and the fact that they have their own lives and loves, my erection went away. Pornography and PMO is very dehumanizing. In fact, I find it impossible to PMO when I see the object of my lust as not an object at all, but as a living, breathing human being. Unfortunately, the next night in my anger, I did not see their humanity. So, now if I see a nude photo, or I start to think lustful thoughts, I need to remind myself of their humanity and though it may not completely solve my problems (some willpower may need to be involved), the willpower will only be needed to get to the point of reminding myself of their humanity, and then I can move on.

Anyway, I hope you all have a blessed day.
best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 0 - Farmer

I PMO'd last night. Not sure why. I think it was just that I was on eBay looking for something and saw a "suggested purchase" which happened to portray a scantily clad anime character. (I play Yugioh which in America features fairly conservative artwork to the point of censorship of the Japanese artwork, and I sometimes look at the custom cloth mats to see if any look interesting for purchase, and I saw on of a popular "waifu" card which happened to turn me on despite being a cartoon. I feel kind of sheepish by that. Anyway, I looked up more images of her on google which led me to search out nude photos of real women which led to PMO. I was almost done with day 2 which sucks, but I was doing what I promised myself I would not do after my hospitalization, and I was binging YouTube before I went on eBay. YouTube is a mind drain for me. There is a lot of academic stuff on there which I like to watch, but I need to avoid the YouTube shorts. Basically for those who don't know, they are around 20 second videos that for someone who is already a pornography (and potentially internet) addict, they are essentially 20 second hits of dopamine that you can then spend a couple hours scrolling through. Since pornography is only a source of dopamine and in reality we are probably all dopamine addicts versus being "pornography addicts" since the pornography causes a rush of dopamine, which reinforces the behavior, but pornography on its own is not causing the addictive response. In the end, it is just semantics, but there is a reason why a lot of pornography addicts are also internet or video game addicts, and that reason is dopamine. When I used to gamble, I would get such a rush when I put the money down, and to this day, I cannot walk past a lotto scratch off stand without getting a craving. However, pornography is even worse because triggers are everywhere, not just at the lotto stand or on TV. And with YouTube, I do use it for academic work, but it is also addictive. How can we as addicts use the internet where triggers are abound, while still maintaining our sobriety? I have not figured that out yet alas, but I am trying. I was in a program that encouraged weaning of and while I was working with the coach, I was successful in reducing my addictive behavior somewhat. However, after the program ended, I regressed further than I was when I was just doing cold turkey. At least when I was cold turkey, I was only viewing once every week or so, and even then, it was to P-subs, but after the "weaning off" I started viewed hardcore stuff again. My coach was great, and I will hopefully be working with him again soon, as with the support, "weaning off" and "cold turkey" are essentially equivalent. I have "permission" to view, but since I have a coach I do not. However, when I do not have that support, I find my habits actually get worse. He has helped hundreds of men get clean permanently to the point of when they see pornography, it does not turn them on. So I know his program works, however, without his support, I realized I was better off doing NoFap and going cold turkey with some life changes he introduced.

Anyway, I hope you all have a blessed day.
Best,
Mathman1994

 

day 5 - drone catcher

 

Hour 10.5

I have not been on in a couple weeks. Struggled with sobriety during that time going on a couple binges. Have not MO'd to pornography in the hardcore sense in a week, but I did MO last night (twice actually, with on of the time to P-subs). Not a proud moment, but seeing as I had been binging on the P itself up until a week ago, I am just glad I avoided the "most destructive stuff", though to be honest, it all is destructive whether it is pornographic sex, or just a woman in a bikini like last night. I am not sure it is wise to distinguish in either case, but I am still counting it as PMO even if it was "just to P-subs". Anyway, I intend to finally get clean this year, and though I may have ruined the "New Year resolution" already, New Year resolutions are more than just about a streak of good fortune. It is all about year long behavior. If you give up bread for your resolutions and you eat bread after three days, that is fine, just start over and try to spend the majority of your year without bread. My goal is to have less than 2-4 weeks of resets which seems like a lot, but that is a 92-96% success rate, and I am aiming to do a lot better than that of course, but I don't want to leave no room for error, only to fail time and time again. So I am leaving room for error, and counting my year a success if I get above 92% clean. That does mean I have 13/14-27/28 days of resets available, and I intend to keep it that way.

Anyway, I have been up since 5AM this morning, it is now 6:30AM and I have a full day planned. In my seminars, I got A's this past semester, and in my lectures, I got an A in Algebra, an A- in Measure Theory, and a B in Topology leaving me with >3.6 gpa. Not bad, and I intend to get an A in my classes this next semester, which does mean more study and prep. My writing is going really well. My one murder mystery novel is turning more into a story of romance, recovery, addiction, and mental illness, with a back story of a serial arsonist. Wasn't my intention when I started out to have a book about mental illness and addiction as well as recovery and those that love those who struggle, yet that is what it is becoming. Honestly, I don't mind. The arsons are meant to drive the plot not to be the plot. The book also honors USA veterans with the character who is the target of the arsonist being a Vietnam vet, the boss of the main character, and the father of the main character's love interest are both Desert Shield/Desert Storm vets, and the main character's dad is former military police who served in Afghanistan. I come from a military family, and I have see how war messes with people, but also how proud of service my family is, and I want to tell not only the story of those who serve, but the addiction triggered by trying to cope with the war, the trauma experienced by their loved ones as well as being a love story for those who never give up. I am not quite sure I want to discuss pornography addiction just yet in my novel, as for obvious reasons, most people do not know about my struggles, and discussing it could open me up to unwarranted hate from certain real life factions. So for now, I just discuss alcohol, drug, and gambling addiction, and may later include more. With that said, I think that including a character's (likely the main character) story of dealing with the issues of pornography addiction could be inspiring for those who are like us here on NoFap. Luckily the book will not be published for a while, so I can get clean myself and then tell my story in a fictional setting, and maybe inspire other young men and women to get clean.

Anyway, have a good day all.
Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 0 - Hour 16.75 - Farmer

I made it nearly two days and then PMO'd twice last night. I wish I fought it more, meditated, read my Bible, or even went to sleep until the urges passed. It all started with a therapy appointment where I reminisced about my schizo-affective delusions. I am depressed right now, and haven't left my apartment in two days. I will go to campus tomorrow so that I can spend my day outside of my home where the loneliness is getting to me. Honestly the depression started yesterday when I was up until 2AM the night before sorting my Yugioh cards and when I went to sleep I did not take my night meds so I tossed and turned all night and then did not get up until 10AM. Then I laid back down twice and then I had therapy and immediately after I PMO'd and then last night I PMO'd again out of frustration with an app, that I use for recovery, not working. I am trying to figure out if I can MO non-compulsively, but that would mean leaving these challenges, and I like the camaraderie of these challenges, and I have very few alternatives to recovery. I know that my main issue is P and that MO is something I can generally do in moderation. The thing is, I feel so great and powerful when I resist any sexual urge successfully, but I know I would be 1.5 weeks no P had I just MO'd the last couple times, and so I am stuck wondering whether I need to quit the challenges for now to see figure out my own sexuality, or if I can truly and successfully live a hard mode life. I know what most of you all would say, it is just that my treatment team thinks that MO can be healthy, and the NoFap forums tend to take a more rigid view on that. I guess what I am saying is I don't know the right answer. My therapist did say, yesterday, that masturbation is a personal choice, and whether one does it or not is neither healthy nor unhealthy. However, he thinks I have an unhealthy relationship with my own sexuality, and that if it comes down to MOing to P or just MOing to fantasy, I should MO to fantasy. If I can successfully manage both, then I need not do either. However, I am not sure of the best way to develop a healthy sexuality. My pornography use started months before I ever masturbated, and so MO has always been tied to P, however for a two year period, I gave up P and just MO'd, but my mom made me feel really shitty about it, making antagonizing comments about how I "got off to people being in the house". That was not the case, but it led to me feeling terribly about myself and then after that two to three year no P period, I started using again, and I have been using consistently since, with a 90 day period in 2018 where I did not MO to P and 60 of those days not MO period. When I first joined this challenge, I made it 31 days no P or MO and I felt great. I just want to figure myself out, and I love reading everyone's updates, but I am not sure that the challenges are good for me at the moment. I say that because if I MO, even once or twice in a week, I feel like I have failed you all, and that ultimately leads to me viewing P or P-subs, and MOing immediately afterward. I love you all, but I think that until I can reach a point where I do not MO for myself and not because others say it is bad, I don't know that I can healthily be on these challenges. It is a hardline I suppose, but I feel like a failure every time I come on here saying "Day 0 - Farmer" and I don't think it is fair to you all to have to hear me constantly saying that too. It may be demotivating to see someone "not trying", I know it is for me when I cannot successfully make it a week or two without MO. So I think this is goodbye for now. However, if I make it to Diving into the Wormhole status, I may try again, but until that point, I have to figure out who I am with or without P and MO.

Good luck everyone, may our paths cross again in 30 days.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Seems like everyone hasn't come back here for quite a while, me too. I've been relapsing so many times recently and lost the will the abstain from porn, so I'll start my challenge today. Day 0!

 

Murph! Don't let me leave Murph!

 

Miller's planet again - day 45 again! I hope all of you are doing well. This group helped me complete my first 90 days.

 

I have finally hit day 50 (Dr. Mann's planet) but it comes with bad news, I gave in yesterday lads, relapsed once (my current record is in my signature). My goal is to get to 90, and I know this is a very good streak, so I will not update the counter so that I keep the positive attitude to get to 90. I can feel the chaser effect, and even I relapse again I will set to 0. Stay strong lads!!

 

Yes Brother, that chaser effect is a botch. Still you made 50 days - and I bet you accomplished a whole load more in your time in those 50 days than in a time that you spent fapping... You are seeing the pattern / cycle now. So what you gave in, you are human, there's no point crying over spilt milky secretions. 90 is a noble goal... When you get there, will you "arrive"? No but during that time you will have learned so much about yourself, what makes you happy, what triggers you, and how you manage during those most testing of times.

I'm a few days in again on my journey and I'm going for the "full" 90 and beyond, and you know what, I think there is so little point fapping. It is a "dead end" activity, so you fap and then what? All you feel is the depression and regret and feeling bad about yourself.

Whereas every day you abstain and put that into things that are important to you then you are learning the true power of transformation. As John F Kennedy said
“We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard."
Do the other things... Did he mean NoFap?

With you on the journey brother glad your on it with me.

Namaste, Inlakesh. -B

 

I appreciate the message brother. I was able to avoid the chaser and the streak remains only with one relapse on day 50. I agree with you I am learning a lot about myself, and about nofap from this streak. For one, I was not as strict in the current streak, something that made me succeed in my other 90 day+ streak. I have gotte rid of social media, mainly focus on work, gym, friends and family irl, and I have downtime where I read or do something chill. Being very productive at the moment. Will be vigilant for the next 30 days, and also benefit from the increased work output. Thank you.

 

Cool challenge, unfortunate it died off, I am reviving it; joining the challenge! I loved the movie!

Currently on day 51: