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Testimony of a madman

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by jurte, Apr 11, 2022.

  1. jurte

    jurte Fapstronaut

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    Let me begin with saying that I’ve always been a troubled kid. I didn’t do anything bad, but I got into sexual stuff at an early age. I was either 7 or 8 years old when I discovered porn on my brother’s phone. When I was 11 I started playing my first interactive porn games. And by the age 14 I was a full blown addict. Throwback to 2022, I’ll be 22 in seventeen days. What has changed since I discovered NoFap? Well, everything. My first streak (the longest) 60+ days, managed to get a GF, after some time we broke up. Deep inside I blame myself for it, I treated her bad. She was my first love and now we’re enemies. In order to escape this traumatic experience I actually got involved in a new relationship with a beautiful girl. However, it bothers me that this thing is actually not me, I feel like I’m not prepared for a relationship, especially after the last one. Generally, my self esteem is pretty low. I’m average looking, but I have many complexes. The thing is, I grew up in somewhat toxic environment, full of mental breakdowns, sadness and anger. I love my family, they’re the best, but I’m just too weak and I had received a mental blow during my teenage years. Overall, I feel like a failure, I’m 21. No purpose in life, I failed three times my driving exam which is not even a literal driving exam, but a test of knowledge about the road signs. In addition to my personal failures, losses and battle with this addiction, another blow came. The war. I’m very connected to Ukraine, and my hatred for Russia and Russian government is in my DNA, as I’m the descendant of the oppressed people during the Stalin’s years. All these factors make me feel like I’m crazy. I don’t know, I feel like nothing works for me. I read reboot journals and success stories and I can’t even imagine myself being that person. I’m not destined for a good life, I don’t feel good when I’m doing something right. My relapses are so often that I’ve lost count of them a long time ago. Let me just say that for me a success is to go a whole week. I don’t know guys, I want to die sometimes. Maybe for majority of you there is hope for better future, but I don’t feel there is. I think I’m not predestined for success, look at this war… Where is God? Where is justice? These animals are killing innocent people and the world just watches, I can’t do nothing about it, because I’m a pussy with no military experience and a porn addiction. I know what you will tell me: train your willpower, workout, meditate. I tried all that, I hate it. I can’t comprehend meditation, I feel nothing just annoyance. Working out works for me the most, but I don’t often have time to workout, and sometimes it only harms me as I’m getting the pump and sudden need for sending my nudes to girls. Basically, that’s it. Sorry if it’s long, I hate myself.
     
  2. jurte

    jurte Fapstronaut

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    I feel good today. Well, that’s not a correct statement. I feel better than yesterday. After two relapses yesterday, I woke up at 6:30am and took a cold shower, cause I had online class at 8. Cold showers are my regular routine, in two or three months I only took one hot shower, even though every single time it’s painful and hard, I still love them. After my morning class I did my workout: 1000 push ups, squats(didn’t count) and bicep curls ( didn’t count as well). I cleaned my room after that and now I’m planing on how to function through the rest of my day. The thing is, I feel anxiety all the time. That’s what bothers me the most, I know it’s a result of PMO, but it’s hard not to feel bad when I’m anxious. I only know one effective way for beating urges, and it’s working out. However, it’s not always effective as when the urge strikes I already did my workout and it’s very difficult to get my ass up and beat this state of laziness. Overall, I don’t know what to expect, I feel like I’m going to relapse sooner or later because I don’t have any plan. I started to read YBOP success stories, which helped me get through the first week during one of my most recent streaks, but after relapsing I feel these stories don’t have any effect on my psyche. They don’t inspire me and I get into a state of envy and assertion that I won’t be able to reach even 30 days. It sucks, my fetish for posting nudes (don’t know what’s the professional term) eats me from inside and I feel like I’m going to give in sooner or later. Peace ✌️
     
    Hustypeta and ClayRodgerNF like this.
  3. Hustypeta

    Hustypeta Fapstronaut

    Hi
    I would recommend reading Easypeazy (z=s). It's an adaptation of the SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION rewritten especially for PMO. Try it and you will see that abstaining from porn can be easy and even enjoyable. It certainly helped me.
    See ya
     
    jurte likes this.
  4. jurte

    jurte Fapstronaut

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    Already did that long time ago. Unfortunately, didn’t help
     
  5. Hustypeta

    Hustypeta Fapstronaut

    So, try to remember the essence of it. If you truly believe in yourself and your capability to quit porn, abstaining will become easy. If you see how easy it is, you will start to believe that it can be done.

    Sure, it doesn't have to work for everyone, but I don't know anything better. But I would suggest to develop at least some kind of strategy otherwise you rely solely on willpower which from my experience won't work. Anyway, I hope you find what works for you and that you will succeed. If you need anything, advice or encouragement, feel free to DM me :)
     
    jurte likes this.
  6. jurte

    jurte Fapstronaut

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    I will try again, and I will try to ingrain the essence of it in my memory. Thank you for advice!!!
     
    Hustypeta likes this.
  7. jurte

    jurte Fapstronaut

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    Without counting days. I’m just happy I made it two days. Even though I feel an urge, I won’t act on it. I know I am addicted, I just want to dream. What it would feel like to be completely free. I don’t need to be a perfect man, with constant erections and a great charisma. I just want to feel peace, I want those so-called NoFap superpowers to be with me all the time, and treat them like a part of me and not like something exceptional I can feel once in two months when I manage to go a week without PMO somehow. I want to conquer this shit, once and for all
     
    waynebruce and Hustypeta like this.
  8. jurte

    jurte Fapstronaut

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    I feel awful today. I went to work today despite being under the weather, it’s a normal situation I’m happy to be making some cash, nothing much, but for a 21yo college student it’s okay, for only five hours of work. I’m pissed off because I have to go tomorrow also, I mean it’s almost Easter already, I usually work on Saturdays, but when it’s holidays and I feel ill it just feels shitty. My lovely GF had her wisdom tooth extracted today and I would rather spend time with her comforting her and being with her, but I’m sick and I can’t sleepover. I hope I won’t be bombarded with urges today, because I won’t be able to do workout session when I’m so weak. I need to be strong
     
  9. jurte

    jurte Fapstronaut

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    And I relapsed. Pathetic, as usual managed to go three days. Boredom, flu combined together resulted in me giving in to my urges. I feel even weaker right now.
     

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