35 and older accountability, Group 2

Day 194

I have not done any hunting and seeking behavior for 7 days now. I am very thankful for this! Adding this second counter has taught me much. I will elaborate on some of the details. While setting in church yesterday, I thought about all the years I spent looking at P. I became so heavily convicted about the things I have done. Then I realized that Jesus paid it all and I am forgiven! Not once in my life have I felt such conviction about my former P habit. Like I have shared, I started looking at this type of material at a very young age (probably about 10-11). I guess it became a regular thing to me and I became desensitized. Don't get me wrong, I have been convicted my whole life of this sin but not like Sunday. I think what has really helped me turn the corner and realize how bad this thing was for me is removing the p-sub/softcore type material. I don't believe someone who has a bad habit of any kind will fully recover and live life to its fullest if they still have any amount of it in their veins. The goal here for me is a full recovery.

I think the p-subs, etc are nothing more than a slippery slope. I was once 15 months clean. I stumbled on some softcore material doing a innocent internet search. I failed to get it off my mind, came back a few days later, and long story short I ended up in full relapse for about 7 years. If you are reading this, consider making a firm commitment that you are going to quit and stick to it. I think you will see like me that the further you are removed from it the more you will see it as it is and the less you will want to go back to it.

 

I’m still struggling. I’m realizing I need to invest more time in my recovery on a daily basis and try to center my life around this. I have tried too long to put recovery as top 10, instead of number 1 in my life.

 

Hello all:

Here’s my first accountability report.

I’m almost a month off of PMO. I’ve gone as long as two months so I’m not going to be celebrating anything until I get to 90 days. It’s been rough at times these past few weeks. There have been a lot of fantasies, particularly involving my ex-girlfriend. On Friday, I was out and about and it was a nice day where I live. There were some cute girls wearing suggestive clothing and I indulged more than I should have in looking at them and then cooking up some fantasies involving them. I want to make clear that I see nothing wrong with fantasizing about women or looking at their bodies, whether clothed or naked. I also don’t think porn is necessarily evil, though I do think it is often used in some very evil ways. For me, it’s more a question of two things: one, whether I am using fantasy as an escape from the rest of my life and, two, whether my attention becomes so focused on fantasy and ogling the ladies that it begins to affect the overall quality of my life. It’s very clear to me that I’ve spent so much time lost in fantasy, porn, masturbation, and other sexual obsessions because these are things that give me the illusion of control, when in reality I feel little control over the rest of my life. It’s also clear that if I want to have a more fulfilling life, I have to work to actively cultivate that life by engaging in activities that are meaningful to me. It’s not enough just to white-knuckle my way through my urges. That approach will eventually lead to relapse. I also want to make it clear that, for me, I’ve spent so much time objectifying the female form that for the foreseeable future I will need to be very actively involved in not ogling women as I rewire myself. It’s very important that I have a prolonged period of avoiding these kinds of behaviors. It’s not enough for me to stop looking at porn and masturbating. I need to develop a different relationship to the female form and this involves appreciating the entire person, not just the figure (though, again, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with appreciating the figure!).

i haven’t had some of the issues that other guys have had on this site. I haven’t generally struggled with PIED, though I have had performance issues in the bedroom at times (I believe these are mostly psychological in my case). While I do believe that my porn use has probably decreased my sensitivity at times, I have a high libido and have remained thoroughly interested in the real thing throughout my life. I have also never experienced the phenomenon that others have reported of needing to seek out different kinds of porn to arouse me. I’ve stayed with garden variety stuff, almost exclusively one-on-one stuff involving a man and a woman. So my problems may be somewhat different from some others but what is basically the same is that I have used porn and masturbation as an escape from the rest of my life. I also suffer from the chaser effect big time, both with porn and with partners. When I get a taste, whether of the real thing or of the fantasy, I want more and I’m never satisfied. I’m sure that this is because I’m using these activities to escape from uncomfortable feelings rather than using them as natural expressions of living a satisfying, connected life. I want to stop doing that.

To support myself, I’ve been meditating every day for the past 65 days and I’ve also started attending 12-step group meetings for sex addiction (also working with a therapist). Again, I am not generally promiscuous and I haven’t developed tastes outside the mainstream of what is considered normal but I do have a fairly insatiable appetite. I suspect that if I were less introverted and less sensitive to the feelings of others, I might very well be the kind of person who goes out and has sex with everything that moves. I’d probably also have a bunch of STDs from taking unnecessary risks. So there’s probably some upside to the fact that I’m an introvert. I’ve still had plenty of partners over the course of my life but sex has rarely been a vehicle for expressing love and connection for me. It mostly been a vehicle for succumbing to lust, using others for my own selfish designs, and feeling anxious because i haven’t really fully trusted any of my past girlfriends.

I’m also working on getting to bed at a regular time, something I’ve struggled with, and implementing some routines and schedule in my daily life. Trying to keep it simple.

Ok, that’s about it for now!

 

You are so correct. Part time recovery often yields little results. During my first 60 days I had to put a enormous amount of effort into it. It was tough because some other things had to go. Had I not done that, I would still be in the same old mess I was in.

 

It’s what I have had to do to get my streaks. It’s not fun. It’s boring, but it’s the only way I can get better with PMO. And if I don’t get better with PMO I know it will eventually lead me to infidelity and or losing my job because of using my work computer.

 

Thank you for doing this. It’s always important for us to stay active, even if it’s just to give hope and inspire others.

 

Thanks, i have been hooked to this shit since nearly 2 decades (started around 14) and over the years the routine has kept on becoming longer where i edge by switching videos/pics and then finally releasing. Prior to reading about Nofap/NoPMO i didn't realize that many times i do this out of boredom or stress / frustration but now i want to get rid of this habit. Earlier i thought that i should reduce it rather than completely drop it, but that didn't work as whenever i completed the days i had planned say 5 or 1 week the next 1 or 2 days i would keep sitting in front of laptop for hours in my free time and masturbate multiple times which defeated the goal of reduction.

 

I have read the rules and would like to join this group

 

I had a 25+ year habit. My story is very similar to yours. I found that I couldn't negotiate with this addiction. I found it didn't want part of me, it wanted all of me. I just had to quit. I'm cheering you on in your journey to freedom!

 

You’re very right. This addiction always wants all of you because it always demands more, until it costs you so much there isn’t going to be anything left. I’ve been at the brink of suicide many times because of the escalation of my addiction and fear that I would lose everything.
I am in 25 years with porn now, but fantasy started even earlier in my life. Masturbation started later. I knew I was an addict the first time after 7 years, porn was in the background until masturbation came around. Then it escalated to all the time. Then it became more texting and flirting. The desire to escape and self soothe the difficulties of this life will take me places I never want to go.

 

The last few days I’ve been reading “Contrary to Love” from Patrick Carnes. Reading that I’m connecting with the worst parts of my addiction and where it could take me in other areas. Last week I took 4 days off from work to clear my mind: recovery reading, Thich Naht Hahn, exercise. I reminded myself that I was going 100MPH in my life and I needed to slow down and be mentally present for what is happening around me, in front of me and inside me. What’s often in front of me is my wife: she is so compassionate, warm, sweet, smart, successful. When I really pay attention to her deeply, I’m so impressed and amazed by all that she does. I’m amazed and how she gave me a reason to stop the escalation of this addiction nearly 12 years ago and she still is part of that reason. But if I don’t do my part, this addiction will consume more and more of my life and leave no space for her and this wonderful life we’ve built together…it will end in heartbreak for her, loneliness and shame for me. If I keep eating nibbles of the apple, we’ll be exiled from our paradise and never find it again.

These are the good times. My parents are alive. My wife and family are healthy. We’re both employed. Honestly it’s been the good times for a long time, but I haven’t noticed it enough and been grateful enough.

 

Noticing new updates.

1. Free from the suffering of lust thinking of higher things:

In proportion that i keep my mind on higher things of life, god, forgiveness, kindness, generosity, service, my mind is free and am able to be around beautiful women without or at least much fewer challenges and suffering of lust.

2. Temptation

when feeling energized and doing really well and flowing in life, the temptation can come out of the blue, vigilance is key at all times, whether feeling good or bad.

3. The answer to temptations

is always prayer. Prayer has two parts. One is to pause and use a spiritual principle to bring awareness to Truth.
"Fulfillment is what I want not lust or short term pleasures"

then there is listening and pausing. I pause and breathe and relax and try to listen to stillness and silence.

Then there is a sense of freedom arises.

May all of us rise above all the claims of fulfillment in short-term pleasures, and rest in the blissful nature of our own reality.

 

bro i am so overjoyed to read this.

I am seeing how grace is evolving your awareness and maturing you to new levels of love and awareness.

I loved how you took 4 days off, that is such a great inspiration to me.

 

Thank you so much for the positive reinforcement.

Between jobs last year, I took a week off in Sedona and did meditation every day. I let go of a lot of my old resentments about work. And I could feel the person I want to be. And I keep reinforcing myself against the person I was during and after that week. And I felt with my stress at work, I was going further from that and I needed time to sit, reconnect with that person and the 4 days helped do that.

I have been very gentle, loving and supportive to my wife the last week. This morning I felt that she wasn’t offering it back to me and it reminded me of two things: Just because I am being who I want to be, I cannot expect others to be on that same level all the time. I cannot soothe my disappointment with fantasy, objectification or any other PMO-related means.

 

Checking in.

I was somewhat triggered last week and looked at P subs again. I am trying to quit that. I thought I was back to normal today (not triggered) but then I was triggered maybe by something that I saw.

Almost 3 weeks ago it seemed like I was not having urges at all. But it seems I've been having them again. Maybe due to higher stress and deviating from my routine that was working well.

I don't know, I'm going to keep moving forward. I really liked it when I wasn't having urges. But I believe I can continue on. I don't want to fall to P, PMO or MO.

I need to write more in my journal soon.