Transcend Porn

Thank you for this perspective. I think you are right, it's the addict part of me that must be transcended.

The example I used of my Dad quitting a 50 year smoking habit also had a lot to do with his fear of death. The ironic thing is that the smoking habit did eventually kill him due to the effects of COPD, and he was in complete denial over the fact that he was dying, in the end he had to be heavily medicated to keep him calm and not drive my mother crazy with his aggressive outbursts. So I think the fear was a big factor, that's where he was deeply hit, at his fear of dying.

In my case, the deep realization has been a gradual process, much of it also based on intellectual understanding of the nature of the addictive persona within me, and the origins, and the fragmentation process of the self.
I have contemplated suicide so many times in my life, but the love for my children has ultimately kept me going.
My wife was primarily a sexual object of desire for me, and after a 30 year long troubled marriage, the only way that I have even begun to care about her in a non-selfish way is by cutting off our sexual relationship, and this has taken 3-4 years to even start loving her as a person, and not someone that owes me anything.

The addict part of me is being threatened for sure, and the battle has only begun. I drew a circle around the behaviors that I have now deemed obsolete. A circling of the wagons so to speak. Yes, this now becoming warfare. I have tried the "letting go" approach, and it hasn't worked. I am picking up the pace of my physical training. And I know that I have to "come out" a bit on this issue. So many guys are struggling and the secrecy keeps us in bondage.

 

I had to read this over and over again.....while the cobwebs clear from dark recesses of the mind
the addict part of the mind....I read once that sharks close their eyes when they are in a feeding frenzy, it's analogous to how the addict person, Mr Hyde, closes his eyes in a frenzy with the she-devil, blood and semen squirting everywhere, a state of complete euphoric madness!
When Mr Hyde and Dr Jekyl become one, what does that look like? When the doctor finally penetrates the wall of selfish ignorance, what does he find? A small wounded child acting out in desperation maybe.....
To understand, to stand under and lift up out of the dungeon of despair, to become whole again, I can almost taste it.

Fighting delusion with truth must be part of the way of the warrior.
Does the warrior recognize the battle within? He must in order to overcome the delusional part of the self, in order free the constrained part of the mind, to resist the ruts that have been formed not only by parts of himself, but also by previous generations and by the surrounding culture.
Bob Seger sang "still runnin' against the wind", the bards tale of the individual not giving in to the prevailing direction of the masses. But perhaps also the the wind generated from within, a wind emanating from the center of the inferno.

The part of me that needs so desperately has been pulled into the wrong direction, unfortunately partly instigated by my own earthly father, who planted the seed of porn into a young child's mind.
What does integration, freedom, true liberty in the Spirit look like from a practical perspective?
It must be terrible and awesome, good and bad united into the true natural self...an active part of creation, seeing through flesh and bone to the inanimate, the common mind that unites all life.
The quest, the journey, the pilgrimage is the practical aspect of this "way" (recovery).

I am fortifying my circle....

 

It's funny how the slightest action or notion can throw me off.
There seems to be this flow I've developed that sort of corresponds with daily habits, which provide a level of comfort. But the problem is that if I rely on these daily habits too much, I'm not really in the flow, am I?
I have to be really careful right now.
There is a level of ignorance that I need to maintain about the circumstances around me and in the greater circles of local neighborhood, state and country, and in this modern day, the world. It's a level of integrity, of a form of innocence in a way.....stressors can lead me to relapse very quickly.
The circle thing, it starts inside of me, and I have put the behaviors I no longer want to engage in inside a circle, and this is the circle that I am fortifying from the outside. The next larger circle contains behaviors that are iffy or questionable, like romance fantasy, or any kind of sexual fantasy at all.
Beyond this circle is freedom to express my true nature, which is "sexual" in some aspects, like body movement. Also the notion of intimacy falls within this freedom of expression....allowing myself to be intimate in my relationships with people, which can be a lot of work.
So, fantasy is interesting, because it is the source of creativity, but also can lead to all sorts of worlds, like the porn world for example. So, there is always some constraint involved, isn't there?
Fantasy is the battleground for me.
Another battleground is the physical aspect of dependence, which in my case involves the process of going to sleep and also waking up at night with "pangs". These "pangs" must be physical withdrawal symptoms of abstaining from masturbation, and at the same time, the body is craving physical comfort. So, people want to sleep next to someone they can be physically close to, because, again, it's a physical comfort.
But it's amazing what the human being can endure really with the right mindset.
Like life itself.

 

Integrity:
"the quality or state of being complete or undivided"

I think part of the process of transcending my porn identity is integration. The above definition is only one of several of this word, but it is my favorite and I think it defines it best.
There is a part of me that I hate, yes hate! Is hate a bad word these days? If it is, I don't fucking care!!!!!!
Yes, I love things and I hate things....is that a problem? Methinks not.
I hate the part of me that has spent countless hours steeped in porn.
I love the part of me that yearns for nature and yearns to be in harmony with "her". Mother Nature.
I don't think it's so much about killing the part of me that I hate, but transcending that part, integrating that part. I want to make love to Mother Nature! I want to express my natural sexuality in harmony with her.
I think this is part of the integration process, to live with integrity, to be a whole man!

the way of the warrior, the search for the holy grail, the spirit quest, the journey to recovery....all these require the whole man...all hands on deck, the good, bad, ugly, awesome, terrible, lovely and wonderful parts of me finally united as one, as one undivided man!

 

what if I was to imagine an iron curtain separating the "here and now" from the past....all memory of the past gone and all regrets and all reputations and all of my history erased, what if?
would I still be a porn addict? would I still be an addict? I don't know, but it makes me wonder

what is porn other than an aberration of the real thing, and what is the "real" thing? well to me the real thing is an act of love, an intimate act of love between people who care about each other, respect each other and want to explore the depths of each other, and porn is a cheap substitute, not only is it a cheap substitute, it's also an outlet for behaviors that are sick and originate from trauma and neglect and abuse, mostly from childhood experiences

so, that is my past, that is part of who I've been, a sick person, a mentally sick person
so I have a choice....I can dwell in this sickness or I can decide to move on and allow the pain, the suffering and the torment to become remaining symptoms of my past sickness. I can deal with these symptoms in a "healthy" way
so much of it is emotional, and allowing these emotions to occur, not repress them, but use them, experience them and transcend them ....it's a process, and it must be where the rubber meets the road!

 

Career, marriage and family in the traditional sense, you know, trying to be a successful person.
I was too fucked up to be any good at these things.
I gave up the "career" path and separating from the wife, kids are now grown up and gone...just me and the dog.
But this is who I am and this is my journey, and I'm learning to be OK with it.
I am learning how to live a porn free life and all that this entails. I may end up "homeless", but that's OK too. The only thing I'm really after anymore is peace with my God, peace with my wife and kids and peace with the world. I can probably be categorized any number of ways, but all that doesn't matter anymore to me.
We take nothing with us, only our conscience, that's all. Heaven and hell are right now here on this earth, and it's up to us where we want to dwell. it's all circles, spirals and revolutions, and if I have to do it all over again in some other form, well, all I can hope for is that every time I learn a little more. Or, if it all dissipates and randomly manifests, well, perhaps it's just more of a collective learning experience for all of us as a species, who knows.
But in the mean time, the biggest battle of my life is being waged right now, and with the help of my God and a few friends, perhaps I can finally overcome this demon that has plagued me for most of my life!

 

Good question.
I perceived all of it as pressure. Pressure to compete, to conform, to satisfy other people's needs.
I was raised in a very solitary environment as a kid with very stressed out parents, so I developed dissociative coping mechanisms, basically living in a fantasy world most of the time, and that's how I got hooked on porn at a young age, starting with playboy and penthouse mags, that were easily accessible under my parents bed.
The girl who later became my wife was essentially a real life sex object for me, and we fit hand in glove, because she had body shame issues, which was a major trigger of lust for me...it put me in the drivers seat.
Of course, like most women, she wanted kids, family, home, church, money etc. the whole nine yards...so I played along for the next 25 years until I almost blew my head off, drowning in porn and vodka.
A very brief summary.....
Now, I am on the path to recovery, selling everything and daily preparing for the final journey.
Dad and now "grandpa" is becoming a bit weird they think but that's Ok, because I've always been weird, it's just who I am....label me any way you want to.
All of us porn addicts have different triggers and different paths to recovery, it's just like diet, there is no one diet for mankind, everybody is a unique individual, and we have to discover what it will take to attain freedom for ourselves. I'm considering "outlaw biker", "shaolin monk" or "personal trainer" right now, but that may change tomorrow!

 

the mind is the source of all good and bad, it is the vehicle that takes me to porn, but it is also the vehicle that takes me to freedom
the will, what is it? what is behind the will? willpower, and the power comes from where?
it must be the spirit that drives the will which in turn drives the mind
but if I let my mind alone take over, then what? what is the mind?
the mind is comprised of organs...yes, the brain is an organ, and the others? heart and gut...those three
so, the questions is: should I let my organs direct my life or should I let the spirit direct my life?
what does the spirit tell me? well, first I must listen, and listen carefully, because the spirit speaks in subtle ways....
ah, I hear it! it is saying: "you fucking dumb shit! stop wanking and stop looking at and fantasizing about porn, you idiot!" Aside from that, I also hear the spirit saying:"Look, you are a product of nature and you need to do what is natural, and what is natural is beauty and creative and mysterious and wondrous! So follow the natural course of things, the river of life, and know that it is all just an endless cycle of existence forever and ever!"
Wow! Fucking wow!
You mean I don't have to stay stuck in the addiction???
That's really good news, because my mind was telling me otherwise.
From now on, I want to practice listening to you, spirit of the universe!

 

should I display my day counter?
No. Why not? Because it throws me off track. Right now, I don't know how many days I've been porn free and I don't want to to know. One of the reasons I quit going to AA meetings was the focus on sobriety days; it's just so fucking depressing!
I hate "time" and I hate money and I hate "daylight savings" and I hate the "news"!
And I hate the porn demons.
I love early mornings and I love fog.
And I both love and hate my prison up here on the edge of nothingness. I wonder sometimes if the cars even have people in them? Or do they just move up and down the county road on their own?
I wonder sometimes if people have life in them? Or are they robots?
Predictability is boring. My life is boring. But it's consistent, and consistency has helped me somewhat with recovery but only somewhat. I must take the next step, which is actually comprised of many mini-steps, so I must take the next mini-step.
I did fantasize yesterday for about a minute and was able to stop, it's a conscious effort all the time!

 

Man, I just don't want to ruin my "streak" by saying it may not be just a streak.
But I do want to leave the options open. What are the options? Well, perhaps I am cured, perhaps not, but the thing about addiction is that it's stubborn, I mean I could go full on PMO in the next moment.
So, no, I'm not going to "kid" myself.
"Resting on your laurels" has proven to be a bad idea throughout history. Hope for the best, expect the worst.
Truthfully, I will be in "recovery" for the rest of my life, it's just part of my identity.
And that's OK.
I met a woman yesterday who is very attractive to me from a romantic perspective, she kind of reminded me of "Calamity Jane" mixed with "Molly Pitcher" and a tinge of "Mrs Ingalls".
Can I imagine a sexual relationship? Yes, but not the kind that would trigger my fetish.
That's interesting, isn't it? So, my sexual desire has a "good" side and a "bad" side. Just like everything else. where does the integration process fit with these two. In the ideal sexual scenario, isn't there a play of "dualities" also? Beyond that or prior to that, I should say, a relationship of mutual respect and adoration.
Redefining intimacy, or rather allowing intimacy in relationships generally.....

 

Good question!
My "streak".............a brief run or a consecutive series according to Merriam Webster, like a streak of luck
I don't know what my "current" streak is and I don't want to know. I don't want to even call it that.
To be honest, I contemplate the notion of the eternal life death cycle throughout the day, and that has kept me porn free. Perhaps it's the recipe we are all looking for. Despite the fact that people generally don't converse about how close we are to death every moment of our lives, it is a fact and it is the most sobering fact I can think of.....and sobriety is what I am after, after all!
For me, thinking about death is no longer depressing, it is fascinating and mystical. I don't want to shorten or prolong my life, I just want the transition to happen when it happens, and I truly think that if we are ready to go at a moment's notice, we are truly living.
Consider this: you are sitting in your dark office jerking off to porn and you have a sudden cardiac arrest and die. Well, how are they going to find you? With your pants down and your laptop streaming porn!!!!! What a glorious death!
No, my friend, I must consider every moment of my life, EVERY MOMENT!

 

there is a continuum with interruptions....how do we weather the interruptions?
by jerking off to porn?
Fantasy, dream and imagination can get corrupted.
My soul can get corrupted by bad chemistry in the brain, which is simply an organ, and not,as many people deem the center of our being, no the center lies much lower in the body, in what the Japanese call the "hara".
I can feel it...it is where life originates, below the navel, where our umbilical cord once connected us to life giving nourishment from our mothers...it is in this region where semen is generated.
the continuum of life is constant and the interruptions are not actually there, but only our perceptions of intrusive thoughts, memories and emotions...which characterize the human condition
what have I done in the past? I have used porn to induce a form of comfort, this comfort being none other than a conditioned activation of hormones in the brain, with the climax being ejaculation, immediately followed by a FORM OF DEATH! Yes, death....death to the soul, death to my SELF!!!
I want to be in the continuum, in the river current of life.
Semen production has a purpose...to produce more humans, that's all.
That same substance, if left in the body, will constantly regenerate life within us in some miraculous way.
The problem for me was what to do with all of this excessive energy, and as a kid, I did not have the outlets available to me, because my parents fucked up my childhood, so as soon as I learned to ejaculate I was hooked, and it kept me in a state of powerlessness, and then bondage to women, and at the same time I hated women for it.
Yes, I've been messed up most of my life!
But outside of me and inside of me there is life and I no longer wish to drain that life away from me, but rather to harness it within me, channel it, and when it feels like it's causing tension or unease, I can use certain practices to help me like JUST FUCKING BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!

 

Reset? Recovery? Rehabilitation? Re-what else? Oh, how about re-discovery?
Yes, I like that re-discovery!
I am re-discovering my inner child, the man child, the limitless possibilities, growth and hmmmm, what else, how about the unbridled power? Yes, that sounds good.
Seriously, though, what is the idea behind all of these "re-whatevers"??? resetting and recovering what exactly?
It kinda seems like we can't go back and recover anything, it kinda seems like it's a misnomer.
I would say it's more like progression, growth or simply just jumping into the river and onward we go....
Porn to me is a problem of being stuck so to speak, stuck in bad "coping mechanisms". We need to stop coping with life and just live life!
And we need to stop associating relationships with sex.
Sex should not be the primary motive for any relationship, but simply a result of or a progression of an already intimate and trusting relationship. Wait a minute!!!!! Intimacy without sex???????????? What does that look like?
OK, I know, this all theory......
What am I doing to beat porn?
I am calming way the fuck down and breathing.
I am reading profound literature.
I am doing yoga.
I am training for triathlons.
I am practicing consistent diet and sleep patterns.
I am NOT GIVING A FLYING FUCK about what anyone thinks about me!!
I am letting my hair grow out!