I just want to be pure

Hello Fapstronauts,
I don't really know where to begin to be honest with you. I'm almost 23 and struggle with porn induced ED. I have known about my addiction for a couple years. I was seeing a therapist for other things going on in my life and pornography was brought up. I told him what I watched, how long I have been watching it, how long I watch it for, and what I do when watching it. He wanted to focus on it which was surprising to me because I honestly always laughed off the term "porn addiction." I think it was my inner caveman telling me "that's just what us guys do." My therapist told me that a lot of my anxiety, stress, and depression were coming from my addiction to pornography and he set me up to meet with a guy who ran SA meetings. I talked to the guy, got a sponsor, and went to two meetings before I chickened out. I told myself I didn't want to go because I felt like I didn't belong (some of these guys were pedophiles which made me feel very uneasy). I probably did belong, but like a true addict, I convinced myself otherwise. I stopped going to my therapist and the past year and a half have been pretty rough. It's weird, because I do very well in school, I'm active in a lot of different things, I'm popular and good with women, but I just feel like this shell of a person. I've never had a woman actually get me off. I've had sex a couple times, miserably. I'll take girls home from the bar, make out, be unable to get it up and then let them fall asleep with me because I know I can't do anything with them sexually. I just like to know "I still got it." I blame it on alcohol when friends ask if anything happens so at this point "whiskey dick" is my go-to cover but I'm pretty sure they all suspect something is up or they just think I am gay. I was talking to a girl for a few months and I really started to like her, more than any girl I have ever tried to date. We never had sex or even attempted to which was crucial for me. She cut the brakes on me out of nowhere and I didn't take it well. I realized though that it wasn't really the girl that I was so in love with, it was the idea that our relationship might bring me happiness since it hadn't been sexual. I thought this could finally be it, I could ease my way into a sex life and live happily ever after. It was through this that I realized I needed to make changes within myself and that I can't rely on others to be that change for me. I watch a lot of (Trigger warning) porn that centers around the humiliation of men. It started with a leather/latex fetish, that then introduced me to femdom, and now it is the only thing that gets me off. I don't even know if I like it. But when I watch it, I get that feeling that I probably should get when I am naked in bed with a girl. I can go a couple days without it, but then I burst and have a "binge" day. I feel like complete garbage after this but I can't help it. There's much more to my story, but for the sake of not ranting anymore than I already have, I will save the rest for later. I look forward to this journey and meeting people who have experienced the same agony that I have from porn addiction and want to change for the better. I want to make a habit of leaving pieces of inspiration when I post on here, so here are some lyrics from the song "By The Sea" by Modern Life is War.

"Could It be? Are we seeing clearly for the very first time?
We've been to the edge and we know what it's like to want to die...
and that's something we won't glorify.
We'll leave those miserable times behind.
How far can I go?
I'm rising from the depths of my own hell.
I don't need another tragic tale.
I need the strength to walk the other way.
I found conviction in my ever changing mind.
I grew up tied down and bleeding on the inside, but I know I was a victim of my own device, and I want to live to see a brand new life."

 

Not to sound over dramatic, but I have caught myself going into the bathroom after I M to take a piss or wash my hands and looking in the mirror and catching this shameful glare in my face. Self loathing at it's finest, and my goal is to not see that look on my face anymore. At least not from something that I can control.

 

I made it 7 days without PMO and then I realized I still had a subscription going at a pretty extreme site. I was so weary of visiting the site to cancel the subscription, but I wasn't really sure what else to do. I went to it and the first thing I saw set me off. I had a PMO and then cancelled the subscription. I would normally be pretty upset with myself, but I am proud of that 7 day streak and now I know the content isn't available to me anymore. Next goal is to go 14 days without PMO and only two MO's. I got this.

 

Thank you, Blazof. I appreciate the support!