The Lord of the Rings Challenge

day 1 going on .orc

 

I realized that I don't have to look for the girl. I'll try to just be myself now. I'll meet her sooner or later, if I didn't already.

Feels like I dropped another bag. I don't need to act like a better person, so girls like me. That's BS. I'm s great guy already and I'll keep growing. I'm happy being alone, God is with me. So let the girl appear whenever God says so

 

Day 44

My ordeal was survived. I started listening to the values factor today. Seems like a promising book. This cute girl was eyeing me up earlier, at least I think so. It was a super brief interaction but it was different... I dunno, like different parts of my brain were activating then normal. I'll take it as a good sign that damage is still being repaired successfully. Heard from my oldest accountability partner for the first time in months too, so that's good.

 

Day 5. was normal day, i went to the gym and did meditation. I didnt feel any urge.

 

Starting out day 11 with a good workout.

 

8 days complete - Uruk-Hai

 

Day 12 complete

Why do I get so tired from my work? Why do I worry so much about the results, being only a junior? I wish I was relaxed and confident. Maybe I don’t spend enough time to be with my thougts and work on my mindset. God please give me strength.

 

Great attitude!!! And so true!!!

 

Day 425 no PMO. Last night I had an erotic dream. My brain woke me up just short of orgasm but the images are very much still in my head. Strange thing is that I can’t point to anything that would have caused the dream. I didn’t experience any lust at all yesterday. I didn’t even see one attractive female all day. So strange. I’m not overly worried about potential relapse but just more curious how these things happen.

 

Damn Day 0 again - it seems Im trapped into this endless loop of relapse.

I need to sit down today and think extensively about what I can do better to make better progress.
My brain always tricks me with the thought of: " You only have 2/3 days - so its not a huge pain if you relapse (hoho)" at the start of the challenge. But I know I'll never reach any goal with that stupid opinion!
On bad days I feel like I dont wanna do anything. And after a long day or week my "relapse-danger" is pretty high.
So I need to work out a day plan for these days. More relaxation already is on the sheet.
Also I wanna cut out Computer games and series COMPLETELY for a time.
I'll consider this as an extra challenge and it will defenitely not BE that easy BUT they simply eat too much time and are strong "relapse-danger-pools" (dunno how to call it better).

So this will be DAY 0 in the "LOTR-Challenge" and
DAY 0 in the "I-Dont-Need-Series-or-Games"-Challenge.
I GO FOR at least 30 days! (Both Challenges) I rly need that progress NOW!

I procrastinate too much and my good hobbies and things I need to do for university finally need a big amount of MORE TIME NOW. I feel like Im rly left behind by myself.

May God help me to receive this goal and release me from the evil !
Amen.

 

Day 1 - Relapsed yesterday, due to a lingerie advertisement

 

After a deep meditation and some time spent sitting and thinking about the last relapse I was able to realize that there is still something inside of me that does not want to completely give up on porn:
reasons for this are the following:

1) "Ive already spent so much time on finding videos, searching, downloading etc. that completely giving up and delete ALL this stuff and never use it again seems to me like saying past activities and spent time wasnt only wasted but is completely lost at all."
I think my addicted brain again plays a prank on me here.
"If I delete it all I will search for it later again (indeed already happened) and will waste even more time"
So the energy behind this thought is crazy : "If I delete wastedtime Ill waste even more time: Which means I dont trust myself at all at being able to live completely without porn. Otherwise I would delete it and step through that door. Hard insight but seems to be true..

2) Next thing is I havent been into a relationship for more than 2 years now. And had no more "real" sex for 1 year. Due to many bad experiences with womans who ghosted, betrayed and treated me badly (I was almost always in a relationship since the age of 15) It seems I now oscillate between
"I need a break from women and need no sex/women at all" and "I want a break from women but not sex- I cant do sex without a relationship so I wanna at least "release myself" from time to time.
This is crucial cuz I equal porn with sex and sex with women AND its obvious that when I had sex before, porn had a bad influence on my sex life ... respectively it has done this already and may is a root cause of why I always maneuver myself into bad relationships or wasnt able to have sth good and stable lately.

3) So long story short - My problem is that I think relationship is almost seen as equally wasted time as porn itself which is (obviously) real bullshit.


I started my personal journal now on NoFap but needed to write this all down here also cuz it feels like the more public I make my thoughts, problems and feelings the better is my growth and accountability.

 

Dawn of the 36th day.

 

day 13

good morning Fellowship, hope it's a good weekend. I think my time to be an Uruk-hai has almost elapsed, so I'm excited to be moving onto something new.

a couple months ago, I had to end things with a girl I was involved with. but we hadn't really made our peace. last night, we did that, and our conversation has lightened that burden on my chest greatly. it was a great relationship while it lasted, so thankfully there are no hard feelings.

hope you are all well. keep pushing through!

 

It's really tough. Had a very strong urge today afternoon. Tried to fight the thought but was at the verge of relapse. At the last moment, just went to the bathroom and took a cold shower. It saved the day.

 

Checking in:
The challenges are really helpful , one of my swords to defeat this habit.

 

well done! I wish I did the same ^^

 

WELL DONE!! you've got this!

 

This exact thing happened to me when I was on day 94 back in November, however, I ended up relapsing that night because I started craving sex.

How did you recover from this dream? You just ignored it and went back to sleep? Or you got up early and started your day?