Wrestling with a fetish all my life

Interesting... I've always confessed in the sense that I've admitted it, but since these recent revelations I've felt compelled to confess them "more".... not really sure how to express myself here. The point is, I will have confessed with repentance in my heart, but as I grow older and grow more and more aware of not only my sins but the damage they so, my heart of repentance grows stronger and I feel the need to confess and repent again, with a greater degree of earnest. I'm certainly feeling that now, realising the damage I have done to myself by allowing these bonds to form.

With Good Friday on the morrow, it feels like a particularly fitting time to reflect and confess. Of course, we can do it any time, but meditating on the cross puts the gravity of my sin in greater perspective.

Another revelation that I had was that all this makes it harder for my sinful mind to justify fantasies over fictional women. An *incorrect* justification I would make for drawing my lusts or seeking 2D or 3D fetish material would be that it's okay because the women aren't real. However now that I recognise the emotional aspect more clearly, its as though I'm forming an emotional bond with a complete fiction. It's not difficult to see that this is idolatry.

PMO, whether using real women or fake, is to attempt to form a sexual union outside marriage with someone who is not even there there. Sex outside of marriage does not become okay just because there is no partner.

 

Happy Easter everyone!

I have been reading Zechariah lately. The following is from Chapter 7

At Easter we celebrate that through Christ God has given us new life, and with new life comes new hearts. We were caught up in "should or shouldn't" but God never wanted us to blindly follow rules - he wanted us to have genuine hearts. Christ's death and resurrection have made this easier for us - salvation is the main prize, but as a bonus our hearts are transformed to be like those in verses 8-10.

Thought there is work to be done, I do not have the sinful heart towards this fetish and my recovery that I had before. Before I was giving up for me... out of fear of condemnation, lacking trust in salvation. I tried all sorts of rules and regulations to discipline myself. "Should I do this when I.... or should I do that every day at...."? Nothing worked and I'd fail time and time again.

My progress thus far, 5 months of freedom from PMO, is because God changed my heart towards it. I despise it more than I ever did and recognise the futility in it and the harm is causes me and my relationships with others. i could stand to despise my sin more, but recovery has become so much easier because of how much I have come to despise it now.

Praise the Lord!

 

I don't know if I would... ultimately this fetish is more about classical damsels in distress scenes more-so than actual sex. To somebody like me being tied to a chair (whether it's me or a woman) is unfortunately a more appealing fantasy than sex itself, regardless of whether bondage is involved. I hope this would change in marriage though.

Furthermore, it is ultimately a selfish desire. I fear that any desire for my wife to tie me up or for me to tie her up would tempt me to associate her with all the real and imaginary women I have committed this sin with in my mind. To do so would not at all be about wanting to pleasure my wife and to wish she were somebody else.

If I get married I want my sex life to be an experience of mutually discovering new things. IF I do ever feel a desire to include my fetish in my sex life, I would put that entirely at my wife's discretion. If she were open to explore it, I would let it be on her terms and only when she suggests it, never when I ask for it.

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Meanwhile, life continues to be a struggle but temptation is under control and despite my trials I have many blessings to thank God for. But please continue to remember my trials in your prayers. I may not give details, but God knows!

 

I had a great extended weekend, having taken time off to spend time with a friend who is visiting the area. However I've felt pretty down since then, for various reasons, but mainly under the continued strain of various life challenges. I'm writing today's post as a part of my quiet time with God, as an aid to some much needed reflection.

Silence is golden

When I was younger, silence in the company of others made me incredibly anxious. I was worried that the lack of conversation was my fault, that the other person(s) would see me as boring if I didn't get an interesting conversation going. I'd often overcompensate and say something embarrassing or more dull than the silence itself. I would over-analyse conversations that same person had with other people, 'proving' to myself that I am the element that made the conversation boring. This was all much worse when in the company of somebody I liked. So yeah... silence was painful for me.

But with my friend visiting I realised that this has all changed. We went to visit some places and did a lot of walking. With so much time together we ran out of conversation a lot. But we're good friends, and I realised the silence didn't matter. It was just nice to be in their company even if we weren't saying anything for a while. Besides, topics would come up once we saw something interesting on our travels. My anxiety was there somewhat, but just a quiet voice in the background... nothing like I used to experience.

One of the things I've been depressed about is singleness. Most of the time I'm okay with it but lately it's getting me down. So naturally, I've been thinking a lot about what I look for. I've always felt that if I can't lose myself in conversation with a lady, there's no spark. But recent reflections on silence in the company of a good friend have got me thinking that perhaps ability to maintain conversation doesn't (necessarily) matter. In fact, my only ever relationship began with constant exchange of messages, never running out of things to say, but also became very tiring because of it. I felt pressure to keep it up and it made things less enjoyable. So really, the "spark" of the initial conversation was something of an illusion. I assumed it to be a sign that we were right for each other, but once we were deep into the relationship, it became clear that she wasn't right for me. She was heartbroken and I regret hurting her to this day.

Perhaps the real sign of being right for one another (as far as communication is concerned) is feeling secure in each others' company no matter how the conversation flows, even if it doesn't!

Recent negativity and its impact on temptation

So anyway, being alone is one thing that has gotten me down, but really it's a depression that's exacerbated by existing challenges in my life. The stress of caring for my parents and the stress of trying to move house. It's looking like the latter is about to fall through completely, and if it does I will take a break from this for a while to reflect and re-strategise. At the end of the day I don't need to move... it would just be convenient in the long term.

As I do more to support my parents though, I'm finding something very depressing about the fact that I don't also have my own children to look after, as if I'm enmeshing myself to my parents and not allowing myself to become a parent myself. I know they want the best for me, and caring for others well means looking after yourself also, so I'm not letting my care for my parents interrupt any attempts to move home or search for a life partner... but the feeling that my own life is stuck in the same place while I support them towards the end of there is nonetheless depressing me a bit.

Sometimes the negativity (I don't really want to call it 'depression' though I feel depressed) becomes frustration and irrationality, and it makes me vulnerable to temptation, especially in the mornings. It's very easy to see how God is using all he is putting me through to test my heart and its resolve to never PMO again. I'm at 5 and a half months of freedom because God showed my the futility of a life devoted to PMO and anything that may contribute to it. But the challenge now is that this understanding is rationality - a good thing, of course - but by the same token I am at risk if I am feeling irrational, such as during moments of frustration.

I'm more stressed than I have been for a very long time, and I fear some higher level of stress could break me. I don't think it will - but I do not believe it is safe to assume for certain it won't. I can only pray that in the face of challenges such as I have never faced before, the Spirit will be working in me to keep my heart from turning away. But I also thank the LORD for bringing such trials before me and using them to shape my heart.

 

Thank you Although I don't have kids, I have already thought to myself that looking after my parents feels a bit like watching over a small child! But yes, as hard as it is, it is still worth it. I do feel that in all this I am realising what love is. They don't want to be a burden to me but I can't stand to see them uncomfortable... and we fall over each other trying to prioritise the others' wellbeing! Love isn't a warm fuzzy feeling but a compulsion to ensure the others' happiness regardless of what it costs you.

But realising this has made me more open to having that compulsion for a wife and children, and somewhat sad that I don't have those things. At the end of the day, singleness doesn't bother me that much, but glimpses of what a life with my own family might look like sometimes stir up this longing to start one.

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EDIT: was about to finish before I remembered more things I wanted to write about

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I've been invited to a party tomorrow full of people I haven't seen for many years, but I'm just no feeling up to going. I've had a busy weekend with a friends' wedding yesterday and church today, so a lot of socialising already. It will be sad to not see so many old faces tomorrow, but it's an annual event and I'll get the chance next year, and given how crazy everything has been lately I could really use the down time. I'll see how I feel tomorrow... trying to predict tomorrow's feelings now is only going to cause more stress!

Actually, at the wedding there were other friends I also haven't seen much lately, and it was truly great to see and catch up with them all. I think I get more energy from socialising than I care to admit, but there still has to be a limit for me, I think. I cannot keep up with everybody forever (unless they all find Jesus, of course!).

One more thing I want to reflect on I will make a different post, as I want to link to it separately in my archive of some of the more key posts

 

Unhealthy Associations

Waking up is often when I am the most tempted, especially when I feel extremely comfortable in my bed. Waking up to temptation this morning, it occurred to me that a certain past habit has really contributed to this.

Though most of my self-bondage activities have involved being tied to a chair, I had a phase of lying on my bed in bondage too, with enough freedom to roll around and change position to whatever felt most comfortable, which wasn't so easy in a chair. Masturbation was also easier this way. It's often these experiences that my temptations seem to want me to return to when I'm tempted first thing in the morning, and quickly disappear when I get up and about.

Excuse the language, but the phrase "don't **** where you eat" comes to mind. My bed is meant to be a place for rest and recuperation, a necessity for my health and wellbeing, but I realise that the above form of bondage has created a mindset in which I have come to associated my bed with my fetish, with sin. Sure, everybody is especially tempted first thing in the morning, but by forming this unholy association I realise I have made it worse.

It's evidence that the bad choices we make when we commit each incident of ungodly sexual behaviour has long-term consequences. Each time we give in to temptation, we subconsciously associate the environment with our lustful desires, and risk that environment itself becoming a trigger for lust.

 

6 months free!

I posted my success story here. Please note the acknowledgement of all you who regularly read my journal, contribute to discussions and pray for me. I would not be this far without your help. Thank you.

There are additional points I wish to add to my journal:

In the above post I mention that it's not really about the day count for me personally but am bringing the counter back to motivate others. Another reason I didn't include my counter for the past 6 months was that I didn't feel right presenting myself as such an example following my previous relapse. Although that relapse was after over 100 days, I wanted the milestone to be much bigger before I felt able to present myself as an example to others. If I were to relapse again today, I wouldn't bring the counter back for at least a year for the same reason. Besides, Jesus is the true example we all need to follow, not me!

The 6 months, though PMO free, haven't been perfect. There are multiple points that still need work and that I need to take just as seriously as PMO:

• I still sometimes touch myself as a response to anxiety or frustration when in private. As this is a form of nervous tick, not sexually motivated (at least not consciously) and doesn't bring me even close to O I do not consider it to be M. But it used to trigger PMO or just MO when I was weaker, and so it still poses a risk and has to be stopped.
• If anything is likely to tempt me into relapse, it's those ideas for entertaining my fetish that I never saw through or new ideas I may have in the future. With a creative, resourceful mind such as mine these ideas can come to mind a lot.
• I still look at women lustfully on the TV, out-and-about, anywhere. It doesn't happen all the time, and I'm much better at keeping my focus on women's faces when watching them on TV for example, but those wandering eyes still have their moments.

Once again, thank you all for your support so far and I pray that God continues to transform your hearts away from the evils of lust. God Bless.

 

Still going strong with respect to NoFap, praise God! but life continues to throw trials at me.

It seems as though the more I try to sort my life out, the more setbacks I encounter! It's stressful, but perhaps God's way of telling me to wait, and perhaps also to slow down. I've actually cancelled social commitments this week just to give myself some space. Some of that time needs to be spent on admin still, but the rest is for me to get down-time. I am learning to depend on social connections more lately, but this week I really need the me-time more.

I realised yesterday that though some tasks hit unexpected setbacks that make them take longer, others can end up taking less time than anticipated. It all balances out in the end, and if I remembered that perhaps I'd feel less stressed out.

I also feel as though God is using the various stresses in my life to test my progress with resisting PMO. The 'need' to release often comes during times of stress, and there have been times recently that I've felt so frustrated that I want to PMO not for sexual gratification but to stick my middle finger up at the universe, as a form of rebellion. But it's not rebelling against the universe so much as rebelling against God, and I repent of that. Ultimately I have not given in to these temptations, and I recognise that it would be completely and utterly futile to do so.

 

I hate waiting for tradespeople, service providers, etc. to call back, because sometimes they don't. Don't get me wrong, the majority do and I don't wish to project a bad image onto all of them! But my anxious nature is to aware of the possibility that I may not get my call returned.

The thing is, when I'm expecting a call I can't switch off. I can't focus on the job I'm doing or the game I'm playing. If they call on time it's fine, but if I'm forced to wait I'm left in a state of uncertainty and unable to do much, if anything (depending on the importance of the call, I supposed). As such I'm very impatient when it comes to lateness.

But it occurred to me today, waiting for one such call (which I did eventually get!) that there is an interesting parallel with my fantasies.

The damsel left waiting to be rescued, in complete uncertainty. Maybe she'll be released in 5 minutes, maybe in an hour or a day, or never at all. And yet this is something that turns me on (though I wish it didn't).

It's another example of how what I fear - uncertainty - can also in a sense be what I fantasise about. I keep thinking about how much arousal (sexual or otherwise) and fear have in common. Perhaps it is something to do with adrenaline? Some people like roller coasters (I do not!) whereas others like to watch horror movies (I do!). I can even enjoy horror movies where things happen that I fear... there's a strange compulsion to watch even though it feels uncomfortable. I think it all comes down to safety... we want the adrenaline rush, but on our own terms, in an environment or mindset where we ultimately feel safe.

 

Other peoples' resets and apparent lack of determination for giving up PMO are becoming a bigger burden for me, and I would confess that I am losing some patience, forgetting how hard it was when I consider my own state with respect to recovery. Yes, we should be passionate about each others' recovery, but that passion shouldn't be anger or frustration and I need to work on this, or I am guilty of pride. While it breaks my heart to see people here struggle with the sin of PMO, I need to humble myself and remember there was a time I wasn't even here at all, not seeking help from anybody. Every single person on this Forum is further along their journey than I was back then, no matter what their day count or the frequency at which it resets.

Reflecting on this yesterday I also came to terms with the fact that my own motivations for seeking help were originally not pure (I'll come back to this point), even when I first joined. Now I would say my reasons for staying are pure (a genuine desire to stay free and for others to be also), but not so back then.

When I did eventually seek help from others, it was purely so that I could say I was getting help. It was all about outward appearance. When I finally confessed my sin to my then girlfriend I did so because I believed she deserved to know, but when I then went on to seek counseling to try and deal with this fetish, I was only really doing it to 'prove' to her that I was 'serious' about giving up. When we broke up, it wasn't long before I gave up the counseling either.

When I joined NoFap, I was single (and still am), but deep down possible future relationships were again my true motivation even though I wouldn't admit it to myself. I was here so that again I could say "I'm already seeking help" next time I confessed my struggles to a girlfriend. There has always been some element of genuine conviction, but the selfish "making myself right by my future wife" motivation had greater weight. I did well in that first long streak, and my motivations gradually became more pure, but I ultimately relapsed. My false motivation was partly to blame, but I was also comparing myself and my counter to others who were making similar progress to me. Suddenly I was not only doing it for a future wife I may not even have, but also to be seen by other members here. This is why I went without a counter for the majority of my current streak.

Motivated by the wrong reasons and wanting to satisfy others, deep down I didn't really want to quit. Only when I was able to honestly confess this to myself did my heart change. This was helped by an understanding of the futility of PMO, the evil surrounding it and a growing concern for others who were slaves for it. Of course, I was helped by God in all these ways and probably more that I haven't realised. Healthy habits and disciplines helped, but not on their own. The introspection and honesty before God did so much more that the healthy practices ever did.

It is very easy for us to lie to ourselves. We must challenge our own motivations. You might not like what you find, but you'll like the solution that God is offering and the person He will transform you into over time.