35 and older accountability, Group 2

40 days off PMO. No pearls of wisdom to share at this point, since I’ve been here before and fallen every time. The urges have hit me hard each time I’ve gotten up around 40 days and this time is no exception. The last couple of days have been filled with fantasies of the ex-girlfriend, who was like my own personal porn star when we were together and so whose memory has tormented me since we broke up.

Doesn’t matter. I’m just going to keep going, white knuckles and all. I don’t want to stay in White-Knuckle Land forever and I feel like ultimately surrender is the only thing that works (as opposed to acts of self-will).

Going for 90 days and I’ll re-evaluate when I get there.

 

Checking in.

Things have been better since my last post. No really strong urges I can remember. I've been preparing for a trip and I'll potentially be very busy and somewhat stressed but hopefully it's all or mostly good stress.

I think this progress is consistent and sustainable overall. This progress will likely be put to the test during this trip. I'm sure my sleep pattern and some of the (I believe healthy) routines that I've developed will be disrupted.

I think I can make it through but as I look forward to this trip now, I feel like I might be bracing for impact.

I don't know, hopefully it's not that bad.

I'm encouraged and challenged by what I read here in the accountability group thread.

I remember what a plague this addiction has been for me and is for me. I believe this time I've found a sustainable way forward. I am nervous and anxious (because I know this addiction). Although I'm also optimistic about the future, that I'll be able to continue with consistent and sustainable progress toward full recovery.

I need to stay aware of my state and condition and potential vulnerability to fall.

 

I'm cheering for you and for a full recovery. Keep pressing forward!

 

Does anyone in this group have any NoFap discord servers they recommend or could invite me to? Also should we have one for this group?

 

I haven’t been doing well. I’ve not been using on my work computer, which is progress, but my wife has been gone and I’m using on my TV without remorse. I’ve been reading Patrick Carnes’ Contrary to Love and it’s really helped me realize the foundations of my addiction. I’ve done a lot of this work before. But I also made the connection for the first time that my addiction escalated to porn when I was about 12 and my mother was in the hospital and almost died. This would have been the second mother I would have lost within a 5 year span. My parents kept a lot of her hospital stuff from me and I blocked a lot of it out. I lost my birth mother, grandmother and almost my mother in a 3-4 year span. I didn’t put it together how much that period was traumatic for me. My mother spent months in the hospital and when she wasn’t in hospital, she was in bed at home. My dad was at work and I became part-time caregiver.

I also realized more details about the enmeshment and abuse of my mother. She was obese and would often walk around naked or not close the bedroom door when changing. I wasn’t attracted to my mother and this was very frustrating to me. It was a form of abuse.

 

Those are some tough and traumatic thing you shared. It seems that most of us on here have been abused and/or had childhood trauma. I sure had abuses in my life. I'm glad to see you share it and just get it out there. I think that is very important.

 

I have read the rules and would like to join this group

 

looking for some support on this journey--i did about 2 months last year but then cracked and relapsing--made a change today. last time i didnt have a AP so hoping this year it will hlep!

 

Thanks Team, I am 42, married, and live in Australia. As i mentioned above I got through about 6-8 weeks last year on the program without bieng part of a AP group. I hope this time this will help me get to 90 day NP and stay off it. I really wnat to kick this addiction now.

 

We are cheering you on all the way!

 

Thanks everyone!

 

Wishing you much success. Share what’s helping or hurting you. Share your successes. We’re here for your journey.

 

I wanted to share the below reflection from my bodybuilding log for those who do not follow it. Hopefully it will help someone.

I went to my gym Sunday night and hooked up my old stereo. It is one of the really big old school systems(about 30 years old!). I don't care what anyone says, nothing compares to the sound of the old school systems. The 100 disc cd changer was locked and loaded with my old workout music from back in the day. I began listening to those old songs that use to pump me up. I realized that I had totally forgot who I once was. Yes, my PMO addiction slowly deteriorated everything I enjoyed until it was nearly the only thing left. It turned me into a different person and masked the memory of who I really am. I think that is what this addiction wants; all of someone. As I listened to those old songs I thought back to a lot of good times in my life before addiction. I'm slowly coming back to who I really am. I am thankful God did not give up on me.

 

Yeah-this has been a slowly evolving thought in me--I thought i was the same person--but then i realized i was more anxious, no stamina, taking things seriously and i remember that wasn't who i was. Thanks for sharing!

 

Checking in.

Overall things have been going well. I've been very busy probably full of dopamine due to a vacation/trip I'm on. I'm trying to keep my good routines on track but my normal routines have definitely been disrupted.

There has been nothing too major in terms of urges. Maybe average for what I've experienced the last 126 days (my current counter reading).

My goal is a solid and complete recovery from P/PMO/binding/edging addiction and then someday getting married completely free and staying free from all that.

The progress this year makes me very optimistic but I'm also reminded of the past and how horrible and persistent of a beast this addiction is.

I also have not had O or MO all this year. I think this is a significant contributing factor to the level of success and progress I've had this year.

I'm very encouraged.

To those who are struggling, I can say that my mindset through years and years of struggling was "no matter how much I struggle, never give up trying for complete recovery". And I believe it's true in my case that past progress is not completely lost. If you have ever done say 30 to 90 days no PMO, I believe that your brain has been partially rebooted and you can get that back.

If you haven't done 30 days, It is definately possible but you will really have to fight for it. My first attempts back in around 2016, they were so difficult but I did achieve progress from those first attempts. I've struggled mostly since then but I have had a few times of 60+ or 100+ days.

This time for me, there are some significant differences though and maybe some plain miracles involved.

I need to get my monthly report written soon for April 2022.