Is it still possible to live the life I actually want?

Hey,

I have a fetish and ever since kindergarden Ive had this fetish as a result of trauma. Its a "squashing" fetish which involved a bigger person (man or woman), squashing someone smaller. This fetish is my identity and I cant imagine a life without it since I never got to know a life without this particular fetish. I am also sure that I have some sort of a fat fetish, which I dont really mind that much as long it doesnt get too unhealthy. However, what really concerns me is that not only am I "objectifying" women, but also I noticed that when it comes to my fetishes, I really dont give a damn if its a male or female. Yeah.. like anything "overweight", combined with the thought of "squashing" could get the job done. Now I was severely P addicted. In middle school Id try to get my bigger male friends to sit on me, after some years I joined gay sites just to talk about my fetish. I consumed every single fetish material there is on the internet. So I know that I escalated. But what concerns me is the fact that this is not porn induced. Ive had this since a was a little kid (Im 24 now). This has been my sexuality all my life. My friends would check out women on the streets, for me it was only this fetish. I never questioned my orientation until last year. This was when I hit rock bottom. Extremely depressed, anxious, suicidal, shame, disgust, hocd, sad, lost.. It was just a very difficult time.

Now I know I am not gay, but I dont even know if Im straight or Bi, since all I am interested in is this squashing fetish. Its not even "sexua"l to be honest, but for me it is. I remember watching fat woman sitting on smaller dudes back when I was 14 or so and i literally kissed the screen. My dopamine levels must have been way to high for a 14 year old. Yeah I was extremely addicted. Now that I am on nofap and trying to resist urges, the fact that all I am interested in is fat people and the act of squahing makes me wonder If I ever will be able to live a normal life? Like, can I ever fall in love with a woman? How am I supposed to have children if all that turns me on is my weird fetish which I absolutely hate?

How should I go about this? What can be done? Can I ever be a "normal" man and have children? I am really lost. I think about this 24/7 and I dont feel like doing anything.. Im so scared of the future.

 

Ive spent the last couple days researching on the topic of fetishes and early childhood experiences and traumas and I feel much better now. I used to have HOCD, groinal responses and thought I was homosexual, I was basically freaking out. A fetish is a coping mechanism the brain uses to cope with events that have occured which are still unresolved. The more you feed it and give it power and thought, the stronger it becomes and the more do you need it to get off or to get aroused. But KNOWING where it came from, what happened and what emotions it triggers and how it makes you feel is s crucial step to resolve whats unresolved and I can already feel how the fetish is getting weaker and how my interest in the fetish is becoming less. I am nowhere near completely healed, but I know where mine came from, what happened, and how I felt when I was first exposed to it, why I tried to "recreate it" in real life and why it would make me feel sexually aroused, and now I understand the psychology behind it and I left it in the past. Whenever I have an urge I know what to do, and how to redirect my sexual energy into something productive and positive. Life seems so much better now man! I can finally picture what my life will look like after marriage and it makes me happy. I am not cured, maybe this fetish will leave its marks, but I am conditioning my brain to the real world and not to a fantasy made up BS world where this fetish is all I can get off to. Trust me when I say this, after 6 months Ill be a different human being. I havent watched P in 4 days too. I feel like I won this battle and time will heal me. No need for a therapist or anything, healing a sexual trauma and a fetish is something a person has to do, cant trust a therapistz (just my opinion). I kinda look at women In a different way too, I can feel my brain getting interested in a womans appearance! It feels so good!!!