I cant do this anymore..

Hello,

Ive been on this forum for over 2 years now, Ive had my 40,50+ day streaks, but I find myself now in a situation where I cant bear it anymore.

I was at church today and after mass there were this two pretty girls. I was nervous knowing they were there, because I have this huge desire to have a girl and be in a relationship, but having this desire, I feel like I communicate to the world that I am lacking, and this is taking away all my energy. Naturally I would be confident and I know how to talk with anyone, but because Im in this state, and because I am just on day 7 now, I am at the bottom of who I could and should be.

I overcame my fears though and started a conversation. It was very short, but I asked their names and made a joke, and I sensed that both girls found me attractive and nothing would be easier than talk with them longer ... but fear overcame me and i cut the conversation short and retreated.

We had lunch after mass with the whole parish and when I came home I was so angry at myself for this lost opportunity. There I was again, back home, alone, and who knows, if I had talked with them, maybe we could of done something this afternoon.

I feel so terrible. Like a million lost opportunities. I wanted to fap, to feel better, but I know this will make everything worse.

Im all alone in this foreign country and foreign city. I decided, instead of fapping, Imma go in the city for a walk. Maybe talk to a few strangers, maybe hit someone up.

Nothing could be worse. I felt more alone going out then ever before. And then I walked in a park and I saw couples who were kissing... man.

I resorted to my old addictions, I bought a pack of cigarettes and went home.

Now I write this post. I dont know why, I just feel its better than to watch porn.

How can I move forward in life?

It feels so hopeless and i dont see a direction.

I yearn to have a girl and be in a relationship, and I sense that porn brings me further from this aim. Yet, the present is so unbearable, and porn looks like such a good medication to make it bearable.

I guess I just wanted to vent. I hope that one day I will be free from all this, and not be lonely..

@edit: i guess my nervousness came from the objectification with women, which is a direct result of pmo addiction. after all, how can i be natural with women, when in secret i fap to how they are getting fd in all perverted ways.. so my only hope is that if i stop pmo, eventually i will stop objectifying them, and start looking at them as persons instead..