Moments in time... my journal

Thanks so much! Best Wishes are always appreciated!

 

I know I was going to write more about the past but I'm actually not feeling like it's necessary right now. At least not at this moment in time. I'd like to focus on the present and what I'm feeling right now as opposed to focusing on the past year and half.

I feel like I do have some body issues. That was a hard sentence to write. When recently watching an episode of a tv show with C there were women in the episode that were what I would call overweight. C disagreed with me which I thought was interesting. Maybe my perspective is skewed? I do think that the PA did have some affect on how I used to see myself but it is not solely responsible for what I see when I look in the mirror, although I will admit to using it as an excuse before. Now that I am trying to look at things differently I can see that I have issues with how I look that have zero to do with anything concerning PA. I know that a lot of women try to compare themselves to whatever their husbands were looking at but I know better than to try to play that game. lol. Fantasy and reality are completely different. Especially when you consider that a PA will have to try to look for new and different things to get that fix. I saw what my husband looked at and it was pretty tame compared to what I've read on here, not that that makes it okay because the concern was that it was a compulsion, not necessarily what the content was.

Anyway, I had gotten away from doing yoga and mediating during the renovation of our new home. Now that that is winding down I think I will be able to keep up that routine. It always makes me feel better about myself. Plus, the kitchen is finally done and I don't have to rely on frozen microwaved food anymore! Yay! So I'm excited that I got to do yoga and mediate and since the weather is not too bad I should get to walk the dog today. Remembering to take time for myself to do healthy things is a big contributing factor to how I see myself. If I can take time for myself I will continue to feel like I am worth taking care of...if that makes sense.

Self image is big for both a SO and a PA. I just don't want to go back into the vicious circle of blaming someone else for how I feel about myself. That is always on me. Just as whatever C feels about himself is on him to sort out. Although we can and will be there for each other as support.

Last night C was tired and I thought we were going to be intimate. Not that I don't consider just talking and cuddling intimate but I guess I thought we were going to do more. I'll admit to being disappointed in that but he's been working so hard on the house that I'm sure he was exhausted. I do think I will mention that to him though. Which is new(er) for me since in the past I may have been more likely to shy away from bringing something like that up. I don't want it to be in a negative way though. I think it's a good thing when your wife wants to be with you.lol. Just don't want to present that information in a way that makes him feel bad for being tired.

Well, I should probably go get some more things accomplished. Feeling more motivated today than I have in awhile.

 

I don't know why I don't just talk to my husband more. I know things get hectic and we aren't always able to talk as much as we want to but something really amazing does happen when we do. It hasn't always been that way, or at least it wasn't that way about PA related things so maybe that is why I hesitate. But after we do have real conversations where each of us can feel like we are heard then I think to myself "Why didn't I just try this to begin with?" He is actually not the same man that he was before. He HAS changed. The fact that we are able to have conversations about feelings in regards to me expressing that trust is still an issue, without either of us going to shame or it devolving, makes me feel like we are making a lot of progress.

Yesterday afternoon we were able to talk about trust and how it is difficult for me to have that at times.He was very patient and kind about it. And I think just by virtue of the fact that he listened to me it helps build the trust more. I'm not sure if he understands that because he mentioned that he feels like it's tough to "prove himself" because he hasn't "messed up" but I couldn't know that because we don't do check ins (and we both agreed that was not the way to go for us) and because he hasn't messed up we don't really talk too much about it. I don't know if that makes sense but I got his point. I don't want to get stuck in a vicious cycle of looking for things..IF something happens then all I want is a plan in place to deal with it. Because it may include me being angry. It also may not though. I might be empathetic and not reactionary but I can't guarantee that. So, I ask myself if I can't guarantee that then I don't think he can guarantee that he won't relapse and I need to be okay with that. Not in the sense that he should get to go back to porn but in the sense that neither of us is perfect. I can't live my life that way and I'm not asking my husband to either. I do want transparency if something happens but I'm not going to wait for it, like its inevitable. I don't know what the future holds, just that I don't want a future without him in it.

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but it does to me. lol.Trust is obviously important and I want us to keep working on it. It does help to write in this journal again but I think I will mostly avoid any other area of this site. It's not exactly the most cheerful place. But I hope someday that someone else reads this journal and it helps them. Maybe it will give them hope and maybe humanize some of this PA stuff. I know it helped me to read that I wasn't alone.❤️

 

Yesterday C and I were watching a show that had time travel in it. I don't want to give away the show or the plot so I won't because spoilers are no fun! In the show a character gets to go back in time and forgive themselves for a mistake that they made in the past. I could see that this REALLY got to C and he got very emotional about it. We talked a little bit about and he said he wished he could do that. I wish that he could as well, if only for that fact that it might be easier for him to talk to his younger self and be more empathetic to that 13 year old kid. I'm very sad for him and for anyone else that this happens to. Addiction is a big problem, not just with porn but lots of different things. So many other addictions people feel empathy for but this one doesn't seem to be one of them. I'm sure many people applaud someone who stops drinking or doing drugs but with this..doubtful that many people would pat someone on the back for them stopping using PMO.

I want to talk to C more about this but I'm not really sure how. Already this morning when we were talking in bed he seemed to not want to dig too deep into it. He said something like"what good would it do" to forgive himself at a young age. I'm sorry that he feels that way and wish I could do more to help. I think that forgiveness is crucial in this addiction cycle. He did ask about me forgiving him right as we were going to sleep last night. I didn't really answer, because I was literally falling asleep. I think that we will need to discuss this as soon as we can. I don't really know if I've ever said "I forgive you" to him. I think a lot of time has been spent placing blame on our problems instead of working on real solutions. I just don't think that C is right about it not doing any good but maybe he was talking about the fact that I haven't forgiven him so why should he forgive himself??I need to think about what I really want/need.

I guess I'm feeling pensive today.

 

I feel like C and I have made a lot of progress but at the same time I feel like I still can get angry or sad at memories or at things that might remind me of how things used to be. For example, I felt that at the height of C's addiction that he withdrew from helping me parent our oldest son. He was right that our son was being disrespectful but now we are having similar problems with another one of our boys and his behavior is triggering me a bit. He is lying (typical teenager stuff) and being defiant in kind of sneaking ways. Which feels to me that he is acting like his dad did. I can recognize the fact that I am transferring some of this stuff onto our son but it does seem like very similar behavior. Teenage years have been the toughest to deal with so far with our kids. I will take a 3 year old any day over a 15 year old. LolSince I can laugh about it a little that helps me a lot.

I've still been thinking about saying "I forgive you" to C. I would say that 99% of the time I would have no problem saying it. It's that 1% that is nagging at me. I think it can be hard to take a leap of faith with an addict because you feel as though you have been burned so many times that you are like an animal that has been abused. You want to trust that you won't get hurt again but you can't quite do it. No matter if the intention to hurt you was there or not it still hurts regardless.But I suppose that if you can get to a point where you understand that living your life means that their is a risk that you will be hurt then you have to weigh whether or not whatever is going on is worth taking the risk. I'm not suggesting anyone stay in an abusive relationship. Just that for me and C we both have a lot to work on and I don't want to stop moving forward with him because of the past. I don't want to sit in an unhealthy cycle of blame and shame. But that can be very easy to do. Especially if you peg yourself as a victim in your relationship. Calling myself a victim would be mean that I am somehow helpless and I refuse to see myself that way. I've worked hard on myself and my mindset change and I think I need to cut myself some slack sometimes. I am not perfect..but I can be better everyday if I choose to be.

 

This is very well written and spot on. I don't know that C always understands how it feels for me to hear him talk to our son about the importance of being honest but we have had some good conversations about it lately that I think are helping him to.

Our son does know all about his dad's addiction. We think he is old enough to know now and we have had some great conversations with him about it. We are pretty open with all of our kids, but also always age appropriate as well. I don't think I'd tell our 11 year old about this but the older kids can handle it.

THIS!! You really helped me think about this more and I very much appreciate that because you are so right! I thought C and I had a great conversation about trust and forgiveness after I brought up the topic. He said he doesn't need me to forgive him because he knows that forgiveness is for me. It was actually a huge relief to hear him say that!

I loved your perspective and appreciate it so much! I think that after C and I talked we both agreed that no matter what we always want to be moving forward as a couple and as individuals. C said that he doesn't need or even want me to hear him say "I forgive you" because he doesn't want to focus on the past, only try to get better in the present and to focus more on our future. Not to say that he doesn't understand why we talk about the past sometimes but that he wants me to know that he wants us to have the future that we BOTH want. It was a great conversation that I probably can't capture that well on here. lol. Suffice to say that we both agreed that we should try to use the past as a guide but not sit in it and wallow. We are not same people that we were, nor do we want to be them, ever again.

I'm happy to hear that you think our story could give people hope. I was hoping that it could. I do love C very much and although I know that we have had difficult times, I think what we have is worth fighting for. I know that I am worth it. I'm much happier with who I am now, as opposed to the woman who started this journal. Although, I have bad days like everyone does.Still, I'm in a better place now and that's a good thing.

 

I've been thinking a lot lately about this article that I remember reading back in the day. I apologize because I can only find part of it for free. It was written by Matt Walsh, who is a conservative blogger (which doesn't mean anything to me, just stating that so you know his point of view) and he works at The Daily Wire. Here is part of his article:

How To Betray Your Wife, Destroy Her Self-Worth, And Implode Your Marriage In One Easy Step
As it erodes the bonds of trust that keep your marriage together, porn also ruins your wife's self-worth
Written by Matt Walsh | Saturday, December 30, 2017
“In this way, porn is even more insidious than a traditional, in-person affair, because it not only robs the wife of the fidelity and honor she is owed, but it even robs her of the right to feel angry and forsaken by her husband’s infidelity.”


"I wrote an article last week about a husband’s great need, and right, to be respected by his wife. The article went fairly viral, so I was inundated with hundreds of emails in response to it. To my surprise, and for a refreshing change of pace, most of them were not angry or vulgar. But one theme seemed to emerge from many of the messages I received: a lot women have trouble respecting their husbands because their husbands spend so much time watching porn.

I maintain, porn or no porn, that husbands should still be treated with respect in their homes. But that does not justify porn, nor does it mitigate the impact it has on a marriage. A man who laughs at the very idea that he may be hurting his wife by watching porn only proves the point. He has become so intensely self-involved that his wife’s needs are a joke to him. Even when she tells him that she is hurt by it, still, he blows her off and returns to the naked people on the screen. In this way, porn is even more insidious than a traditional, in-person affair, because it not only robs the wife of the fidelity and honor she is owed, but it even robs her of the right to feel angry and forsaken by her husband’s infidelity.

Few men, unless they are outright sociopaths, would scoff at their wives for being upset at them for sleeping with the secretary. They are more likely to apologize (whether sincerely or not) and cry and beg for forgiveness. Neither party will deny that the issue is a big deal. But a man who watches porn, though he has committed a form of adultery, is much bolder when confronted. He will defend his actions and actually get outraged at his wife for being outraged. She is left feeling betrayed — and crazy for feeling betrayed.

But she is not crazy.

Her husband is turning — not just once, by the way, but every day — to other women to satisfy his sexual urges. He is cheating on her. There is no nuance to it. She’s right: it’s adultery. He whittles away hours a day sitting in a darkened room pleasuring himself while strangers have sex in front of him. He imagines himself in the place of a naked man on the screen so that he can have vicarious sex with a woman who is not his wife. It’s a big deal. A very big deal. He is not really having sex with her, but so what? Perhaps he would if he had the chance, but he doesn’t, so he settles for the closest thing to it.

The whole activity is entirely selfish, of course. His wife does not exist while he watches porn. Neither do his kids. He blots them out of his mind as he plunges into the internet’s darkest recesses, looking to get his fix in increasingly depraved and exotic ways. He shrugs and yawns at his own unfaithfulness, demanding, almost self-righteously, that his wife just accept this “hobby” of his. “It’s just porn,” he says.

Notice that he would never allow his wife to use a similar argument against him. She could not run off and have a one-night stand with some guy she met at the gym on the basis that it’s “just sex.” But if porn is “just porn,” then why should sex be anything other than “just sex”? A porn user certainly can’t suddenly discover, when it suits him, a newfound appreciation for the sacredness and intimacy of the sexual act. His defense of porn is built on the very premise that watching two people have sex is no more morally significant than watching two geometric shapes bump together. But if that’s all porn is, that’s all sex is. Sex is merely two shapes bumping together. One body part inside of another. It’s just a sensation. Just a romp between the sheets. Just a physical release."


Sorry that I can't find the whole thing. I think this first part is enough though. I was thinking about how I've been talking about trust and forgiveness but maybe I have been missing the respect part? I don't think that C treated me with very much respect while he was using porn, and I, in turn, lost a lot of respect for him. I feel at times that the lack of trust comes from the memory of feeling disrespected. And so, with that knowledge, I can see a better path forward emerging. I know that I did not have a ton of respect for myself during those years...I'm certainly not blaming myself for his actions but I am responsible for MY actions. So, with that in mind, I think that getting that mutual respect back is going to be key. Him not using porn now obviously is a way to show me that he respects me. He is also never been a gawker (thank god because that would drive me nuts) so that isn't something I worry about. I think I want to have him read this article and talk to him about ways we can both start showing respect for each other. I think it starts with respecting ourselves.

All, that being said, I think things are going well right now with our relationship. The teenagers are driving us nuts but that is to be expected. Lol. Have some work to finish up so I should get going. It's nice to have this place as a safe sounding board for my thoughts. I'm happy because I feel like my thoughts are a lot more constructive than they used to be.

 

Of course you can share!

I think I found the whole article on this website

https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/t...mplode-your-marriage-in-one-easy-step.405746/

Let me know if that works! If you click on "Click to Expand" you should be able to read his whole article

 

My journal seems to me to be where I try to sort out discussions I want to have with my husband and to go over past discussions that we've had. The other day we actually had an argument ??? Actually not sure that you could call it that. It was a discussion where tears were flowing from both of us so I don't know what to call that. It ended well ( whatever it was) though so I'm grateful for that and I came away with some revelations . C wants us to focus on the future and I was able to admit that I sometimes don't want to discuss the future because I can't picture it. I think I'm just protecting myself, which he understands. Also, I talked about how I can't sit and wallow in the past and never look at the present or into the future ...I told him that I don't think about our future very much, which I can see hurt his feelings. I think loving someone sometimes means that you have to be open to the possibility that things won't turn out the way you've planned.Which sucks for me because I like to have a clear path. I want to be able to see a future with C and after the conversation that we had I told him it was a relief to tell him that I couldn't see one before but that I am starting to now. Being open and honest is always the right decision, even if I think it might hurt him. We both have done a lot of work and I want to keep moving forward with him. We are both going to have bad days, and I think that's ok. Sometimes we learn a lot from our argument's, in fact I think that should be the point of an argument. That you can learn and grow from it. C wants to write out goals together for our relationship and for ourselves as individuals. I think that should be a fun exercise. I do love that he likes planning as much as I do.lol

I'm more hopeful now than ever before. I don't want to be in, what I call, "despair mode". I can sometimes get there quickly but not as much as when the whole recovery process started. I love my husband and I don't want a future without him in it. You know, I know the statistics on PA, and I understand them, but I just can't live my life being afraid of someone else's actions defining me. I refuse to do that. I care too much about myself to do that.That's another key for me...taking care of myself! This journal helps with that. But so does my yoga and meditation, eating healthy and being with friends. I will continue those good habits not only for my marriage but just as important for myself.

 

I want to reply to @hope4healing but I have to use my phone right now and I’d rather reply with my computer. But I will respond to you as soon as I can and as always I appreciate you and your thoughtful responses!❤️

Just wanted to write a bit about some of the conversations I’ve been having with C lately. They’ve been really healthy and healing. I think something that I’ve discovered throughout our talks is that I really want to be understood. So if we talk about the past,I’m not doing it to replay things that he did or said, I’m doing it to explain how I felt and how I reacted. He says I don’t need to explain myself and he knows he was in the wrong but I’m not pointing things out so that he can feel bad. I’m actually excited that we can have these conversations and they don’t end with hard feelings on either side.

I know this place is a safe space for everyone and everyone has different experiences so take what I write for whatever it’s worth to you… I just have to say if you’re reading this and you’re feeling despair, I totally get that. However, when I look back over the past two years I can see that I felt that same rush of dopamine that C must have felt while watching porn, just my dopamine came from feeling like a victim. I’m not saying that what C did was acceptable or that I didn’t have any right to feel that way, but I ask myself this question “Do I really want to define myself by someone else’s actions?” and also “Do I want to wallow in despair forever?” The answer to both is “Hell no!” We both work on ourselves and on our relationship everyday, as every married couple should, regardless if they have issues with porn use in their marriages or not.

Relationships are tough and you have to work at them. You also have to decide if they are worth it to you to work on. Only you know that. I know that my relationship with C is definitely worth it. I know that he has an addiction and it’s a hard one to recover from, apparently. But I’m willing to grow with him. We can either grow together or grow apart. I think it’s clear which one we have chosen.

I’m happy right now and looking forward to the future. Which right not includes packing for our son’s baseball tournament in another state! Lol. Hope to write more later. ❤️

 

I hear you on this and I believe that C is starting to understand this too. As I mentioned in my last journal entry, I want to discuss the past, not in a “YOU did this to me!” kind of way, but in a “how can we be different moving forward?” kind of way. I have no desire to be stuck in the past. That does nothing to help me. But it helps to look at the past as though it was a book. There are plenty of chapters in my life that I look back on in my “book” that I am not particularly proud of and wouldn’t want to revisit everyday either. I’m not asking C to go over his “greatest hits” (that’s his name for any of our arguments over porn), rather I’d like to look back and say “ok, I could have done better here” or, “you could have told me this there”. I hope that makes sense? I want to see the past without getting stuck in the drama and trauma. I don’t have time for that and it doesn’t do much for me. If C and I can have our talks where we can say “if that situation happened now, here is what we would do” then I think that is a sign of us both making progress. Which is really what this journey should be about. Progress!

@hope4healing I love that you love our idea for setting goals! It’s something that we are both excited about. Although we are both incredibly busy we are taking time to talk about our goals and writing out ways we can achieve them. One of our biggest is working on moving to another state after our youngest graduates. So, within that goal we have things that we have to do in order to achieve it. We will be visiting some different states throughout the years to come now which is a bonus for us to plan some couple trips together. We have other goals together and separately. I will probably write out mine sometime soon.

I just want to say thank you to you again, @hope4healing. We are complete strangers but I feel like you are such a kind and caring person. I see the way you have empathy for both SO’s and PA’s and I don’t know if you realize how much your kindness means to them all. I am sorry that you are here too but please know that you have helped me a lot and I really appreciate you. I hope to be as helpful to someone someday as you have been to me.❤️❤️