Transcend Porn

It's amazing how certain thoughts can immediately trigger a strong chemical reaction in the body.
Just a thought! How powerful is that?
It makes me wonder about how thoughts can create vibrations, and different thoughts can possibly create different vibration frequencies....
Do I control my thoughts or do my thoughts control me? I don't "think" the answer is straightforward. Thoughts come and go, but I also will them. When they come, I can react, and when I will them, I can make them go away. Certain thoughts lead to other thoughts, and my point is that "triggers" are basically things that lead to certain thoughts. And those thoughts create a hormonal response, like adrenaline release if you are approached by a threatening person, or if you see a provocative female, then whatever the sex hormones are....once those hormones are released, something happens in the body, and it would take an enormous amount of willpower to react contrary to what the body wants to do. That is what we are facing, on some level, with porn addiction.
Using willpower to create certain thoughts is the yang, masculine side, and receiving thoughts is the yin, feminine side, and we have both. Active and passive. If I am passive, I can let them come and go, and if I am active, I can generate them and act on them....
So much are almost all of this struggle is with thoughts, mostly conditioned thoughts that spark physical reactions. I have allowed myself to watch this shit play out lately and, as a bystander to my own thought life, I realize how fucking crazy I am! How I move in circles and have kept coming back to the same old thing over and over and over again!
There is more to life than sex....yes, I know it doesn't seem like it, but there is much more.
And the "much more" part is much more subtle, more balanced and stable.
Yes, even in misery, even in pain, and even in hopelessness.

 

what a night....dreams that left me feeling reflective and curious
women were there, some romantic interaction combined with suspense and intrigue
I told my sister yesterday that I am not an "addict", but suffer from obsession-compulsion...what is the difference?
Not sure, but I think an addict will continue with addictive behaviors right up to the brink of death or beyond, but I have always stopped earlier on that trajectory, long before I was severely damaged, and then replaced the compulsive behaviors with new compulsive behaviors, so I don't know, maybe it's just wordplay?
Sexual compulsion, sexual obsession, sexual addiction, what does it matter....sex, sex, sex
I want to talk about it more, and the further I get away from my past solo sex behaviors, the more I want to expose them, talk about them, and come out of the "closet". That's therapy, I believe.

 

Synchronizing habits with natural daily rhythms is part of my recovery process.
The sunrise and coffee, the noon nap, the evening meal, going to bed after sundown.....these are natural.
What about the weather? Emotions....
Creative energy? The source is at the center of my body, at the base of the spine, where the sexual organs are. Stifling this energy creates blockage, and ejaculation is a big problem, in so many ways. It makes a mess, you get unwanted babies, and the letdown afterwards can be enough to give me suicidal thoughts.
Semen retention, on the other hand, is life, energy and stability. I don't know how many times I've ejaculated during my life, but probably thousands of times, and is my life improved because of it? No, on the contrary, it's ruined.
But among the ruins, there is life, and it continues, there is Nature and it continues. Even though I've basically diminished my capabilities, I can save what's left and use it according to my understanding of Nature.
When Nature expels seed, it is for one purpose, and that is procreation. So, there is no reason to expel seed unless I am desiring to get my mate pregnant, that's all.
What about the twisted desires and fetishes?
My hope is that they will subside, but they may never fully go away. I can choose not to act on them. I can choose to feel depressed, lonely and edgy, and I can choose to hold on until these feelings subside, like the weather.
There is a higher state of mind, a higher consciousness, a higher way of living. And this includes sex and sexuality. But it's not forced, it's not perverted and it's not in secret.
No, it's dancing in the nude to tribal rhythms and chanting, it's unrestricted movement, it's loving beautiful men and women, it's allowing erections to happen naturally, because the sexual energy is strong. Why drain it away when we can retain it, channel it, and use it for power and wisdom.

 

some people create more work for themselves than is necessary
and some are always working but never exhausted
but what is work? is it a 9-5 job 5 days a week? or is it your life passion?
I would like to compare a 9-5 "job" with the act of needing to eject semen on a regular basis, regardless if it's inside a woman or into your underwear, doesn't really matter, because the cow has to be milked right?
I would like to compare the "life passion" to spending hours exploring the body of a woman without ever ejaculating in the process, but just a long period of time in bliss.....
I would like to say that the need to ejaculate is not a need at all, but a mental fixation, a conditioned mindset.
Media porn is full of images of women with their mouths full of cum. What is up with this really?
What is up with this thing about filling women with cum??? It's really crazy, all of the extreme pathological behaviors that are depicted in porn movies, it's an endless spiral into the abyss, an orgasmic hell!
All of this is draining life out of the body, and to finally see the truth in it is quite unnerving, because it makes me question all of the decisions I made as an "adult", concerning human relations, money and possessions.
Underneath the fabric of society is this giant thing, this constant sexual tension, this repressed energy, and nobody really knows what to do with it.
Actually, it's amazing when you consider the amount of energy a person will expend just to satisfy a perceived need that actually NEVER gets satisfied, NEVER!
As much as I hate modern technology, youtube has shown me that there are many people in the world that are pursuing a wholesome life, I just don't know any around where I actually live, so sometimes I feel that I spend a little more time than I should in the digital "web" and dreaming....

 

Another day looms ahead. And I already want it to be over....
I have to admit that anxiety became a "normal" part of my life early on, this feeling of edginess, some kind of threat lurking around the next corner, it's so deep in my psyche, and my interactions with people have reflected this, I know. Theoretically I know that our Human form is a manifestation of the creative forces in the Universe, and that we are simply living beings at the core, and I believe that most people are driven by some form of anxiety, the fear of pain, death, loss, loneliness etc. so it's a constant filling of this perceived void.
Sexual contact in the modern sense seems rushed and too compartmentalized; it's no wonder that there are so many different fetishes and varieties of sexual desires. Certain behaviors, acts, scenarios drive a person to get "aroused", when so many of them are actually filling voids or compensating for trauma, pain or loss. What I fantasized about sexually were scenarios where I was acting out in response to stress and dysfunction. If sexual energy is at the core of our being, then of course the arousal is a hyper-sensitized form of response to the increase in energy derived from certain dreams, fantasies or acts. People don't know what to do with this energy and have been conditioned to transform it into some secretive and perverted desire, when it doesn't need to.
"Living the dream" is a good concept if it's meant honestly, and not only referring to money, status and wealth. No, living the dream means you are actually pursuing your unique dreams, not some common societal goal. What arouses me? Is it being in control, is it punishing other people? Not really, even though that has been a perverted form of what lies deeper, and what lies deeper is free expression of my humanity, my sexual being, my divine nature!

 

The integration process is part of my recovery...actually it's the key to wellness.
I don't want to examine the part of me that loves bondage porn, but I must "lift the cover" and take a peak. It's ugly and it's a dark place, but part of me still lives in that dungeon of the mind. I was too chickenshit to actually pursue sexual activity like this with real people, but in hindsight, that's probably a good thing. My wife never forgave me for just flirting with other women, so she had to go. And in hindsight, that is a good thing too. She was part of the fantasies, and I couldn't get her to go into that world, but it does not matter now, because the part of me that evolved into the porn addict was originally a lover who had his heart broken many times, long before I ever met the wife. It was already too late then...I had already been on the lookout for another co-dependent person, with whom I could act out my dysfunctions.
I know there are women who want to be dominated, but there are also women who want to be abused in all kinds of ways, and it's a symptom of a sick society. The act of "domination" is related to the concept of "dominion", and finding a place to dominate, inhabit and defend is part of our genetic makeup, I think. Or, on a more personal level, it's maybe standing firm in a place of confidence and power. So, to seek this place in sexuality when it doesn't exist in other parts of my life, is a cheap substitute. The romantic lover part of me was kidnapped and brainwashed by the porn demons. It's interesting that my wife always allowed me to be in charge in bed, but she wanted to dominate the rest of our lives, which eventually led to financial ruin. So the symptoms of my porn addiction have been severe, but even though the external circumstances of my life are a mess, I am now free to mend the broken pieces, because I have nothing left to lose except physical possessions. I have no career, no status, no wealth....but I have this longing to be a whole person, a sovereign man, a lover, a king, a magician and a warrior!

 

40 days wandering in the desert of doubt and anxiety...
when I take away my pathetic little comfort of jerking off to fantasies and/or porn movies, what happens? I start grieving for myself, because I think about all of the missed opportunities in my life so far, I think about all of the energy, the life force drained away, I think about all of the stored images on the hard drive of my mind, I think about my "inner child", the little boy, who lost his dream a long time ago....
So, yes, doubt and anxiety; doubt about the future, the thought of "it's too late", the anxiety of exposing my true self to the world. When I was twenty, I had a brief episode of a carefree life, but along came this girl, who was a perfect fit for my pathological shadow side, my dysfunctional side, and what happened? Right there and then I was at a crossroad and I chose the pathetic little comfort of sex and ejaculation, culminating in my feeble attempt to do the whole career-marriage-family-church bullshit. Even though I knew that was not the path that my "whole integrated self" would have chosen, but no, I continued on the same desperate path I had already been on through my late childhood and teens, and I took the wrong turn.
Now, at 51, I have chosen to start the integration process and the earliest form of bondage in my life was porn; I got hooked as a child, thanks to a sex addict father and a stupid mother who went along with all of his bullshit. Thanks guys, and now my own children have parents that they can point the finger at, and they have every right to do so. Eventually they will realize that this thing gets handed down from one generation to the next. So, recovery is tough, recovery is a journey, recovery involves decisions that will turn your life upside down, but it's all for freedom, freedom from bondage, freedom to do whatever the fuck I want to do with my life, and yes, it's my life!

 

There are many posts on this forum about how good it "feels" after one has abstained from porn for an extended period of time and/or masturbation...there is definitely a satisfaction that goes along with continued abstinence, however, one has to consider how quickly a guy can get right back into the same old behaviors. As with any "success", failure always lurks around the next corner, and I have to be very careful about how overconfident I get. Staying on the side of humility is not a guarantee, but more of an insurance that I will not relapse.
Humility is not a word that is used much in modern language, but it is a more realistic attitude towards life in general, acknowledging the frailty and temporary nature of our existence. Jerking off to porn is not a humble activity, no, it is quite the contrary, because it is not accepting the reality of my situation. Humility is total acceptance and it can very difficult, because compulsive sexual behaviors are a substitute for reality and easily allow for the real circumstances in life to become non-desirable or at worst disastrous. Once the compulsive, compensating behaviors are removed, well, one is faced with the actual situation, and in my case, it's almost disastrous, maybe it is, I don't know.
The highlight of my day has become my evening meal time, and I have adjusted my waking time in the mornings to early AM, coinciding with the sunrise, so that I am tired enough at bedtime to quickly fall asleep, so my daily routines have been adjusted to help me with the usual bedtime struggle of wanting to view porn and masturbate. But there is a much larger picture, there is a much larger purpose that I am attempting to re-discover in my life, and that is the key to total recovery. Who am I and what is my purpose? What is driving me at the core? Once a person discovers this, I think things start falling in place, even if there is no plan, even if nothing makes sense, but the mission, the purpose, the ultimate quest, whatever it is, even if it's unattainable in this life, it doesn't matter...what matters is the vision, the city on the hill, the Garden of Eden, the philosopher's stone, the mountain peak.
What is it for me? Money? No. Fame? No. A woman? No.
I can hop on someone else"s bandwagon or I can drive my own....

 

I don't want to wake up.
I don't want to face the reality of the situation I'm in. I feel trapped, I feel aimless, I am lost on a spinning ball, fixed in time and space, maybe not fixed, maybe just floating.....
The mindset of porn is diminishing, but the "urge" for connection is not, and this connection is to life.
Why were male and female separated? It's so fucked up. The sexual tension is always present where people congregate unless the focus is totally Spiritual, authentically Spiritual, not the average "church", where everyone just tries to hide it. Men are attracted to liberality and women are attracted to stability, generally speaking. Then there are those on the fringe of society, the loners, the non-conformists, the rebels. there are environments where male and female blend a little more, where the distinctions are not so defined, but even there, always some level of sexual excitement, it can't be helped, can it? I have preferred loneliness, because I don't play by the rules of social engagement.
I do wonder if the whole trans/bi/gay thing is a rebellion against Nature's distinction of male and female. Sexual attraction can be to a bird or a lifeless object, or a computer screen with images, so why not to the same sex, or why not to a person with a penis and a vagina? why don't we grow penises on people's foreheads and other parts of the body? would that be sexually attractive?
There is no end to the depth of the human psyche and the myriad ways that make people tick. Our society is diverse for sure, but it's too much, way too much, and that is why I truly think that Nature has the answers...Nature doesn't give a fuck about the individual, no, it's only interested in the constant vibration and creative force of the universe, whether it's through the human species or through galactic collision, what does it matter? It doesn't.
Right now, mankind is in self-destruction mode, despite what the flashy news reports and images on your phone tell you, so go ahead and indulge in all of your perverted fantasies, we're all gonna die anyway! That is one way to look at it, but then there is the Spirit and a man's soul, and harmony within the human body and what to do with all this sexual energy???? Yeah, that's the trick isn't it? That is the key...all this fucking energy! Wow

 

Dealing with shit sucks, but If there is a larger goal, then it's doable.
If I am engaged in something that I see as developing myself, my true purpose in life, nothing else really matters.
Is jerking off to porn fantasy an act of progress for my personal goals and development? No.
Does jerking off to porn fantasy help anyone else? No.
For me, the disadvantages of having a "wife" far outweighed the advantages, I ended up continuing with my porn use anyways, and I would say that the marital relationship made it even worse. I can't believe I actually survived 30 years of that shit! I don't really have a reason to jerk off to porn anymore, because the wife left, even though we have a mess to clean up, I can see a possibly brighter future, not in terms of wealth, status, or fame, but rather self-fulfillment and living my dream.
I am back at the "crossroad" again. Do I immediately go out and start looking for another woman? No, I don't even know how to do that, and that's a good thing. I have nothing to offer except maybe passion. So I don't want to force anything in life, but simply focus on living my dream, yes, MY dream, not anyone else's but MINE!
Is that selfish? If it is, fine, I don't fucking care.
Freedom is simply that: freedom, and not being tied to another person's whims and demands. Mobility, flexibility and ease, those are my companions. I want to like people, I really do. I want to embrace every day.

 

why do I write on this forum every day?
because it is a form of expression, and it's an outlet, and it's my way of staying on track, because what I've heard over and over again from the guys who are successful, depending on what that means to each one individually, is that we gotta be consistent with our efforts.
so what does success mean to me right now? it means waking up in the morning and saying to myself: "good job, buddy, for not wanking last night before going to sleep!" That is success. every additional day that I can do this is one more day added to my recovery....
what is recovery to me? it is recovering what I lost a long time ago as a young child, which is a strong connection to life, to Nature, to my Self, my true self, which has been buried under a lot of garbage accumulated over years of struggle, strife and stress!
My true self yearns for freedom to express, freedom to live, freedom to just be.
My true self does not want to sit in a dark secluded cave and jerk off to porn images, no, my true self wants the sunlight, feelings and experience of authentic suffering...for me the morning routine of logging in to the nofap site and writing has become a lifeline, and right now, I must do it daily, just like my daily yoga routine, just like my morning shit, just like my run and my weight training, and my evening meal and my movie time....
it's the little things in life, stupid!
the little routines, the little rituals, the little habits day in and day out, so what you are consistent with is what shapes you, practice, practice, and more practice
what am I practicing? I am practicing things that keep me on the path to recovery, wellness and peace, despite the suffering, despite the mess around me, despite all the bullshit...is every day truly a new beginning? That's up to me isn't it? Well, isn't it???

 

Yes, it's up to me.
It's up to me to set the course for the day that looms ahead.
Am I going to jerk off to porn today? I hope not and I don't plan on it. But disaster does strike occasionally, and when it does, my favorite way to escape in the past has been to kneel at the altar of the porn demons.
But what about daily life? What about my solitude and my loneliness? How do I deal with that? Well, again, in the past it's been fantasy and masturbation...but now I have decided to bite the bullet, to endure the pangs, to feel the emotional pain and anxiety. Is it fun? No. It sucks at times. I don't know how to proceed with life sometimes, it's literally breath to breath, moment to moment. I am trying to make peace with the dog, but it's hard, because I was left here with everything, all the shit and the dog...wife and kids all gone. I miss the kids but I don't miss the wife and I don't miss my mother. Do I miss the sex? Not really. Do I miss the romance of my youth? Yes.
The romance. Let's not call it "Love", OK? Love is something different, love is a state of being, an attitude towards life in general and towards people. No, romance is deep emotion, similar to the "Blues", but with added color, like reds and purples and maybe a little orange, but not much. Romance evokes thoughts of chivalry and quests and pilgrimages and sailing ships and yes, solitude and pain and suffering. The union between man and woman is a problematic aspect of romance and fraught with a mixture of ecstasy and despair.
The raw, mechanical and violent nature of porn is taking people away from humaneness, from our ability to be empathetic and tolerant and sublime. It has robbed the innocent part of our true nature, taken away the curiosity, the wonder and amazement that we should be feeling about life, it is DESTROYING us!!!!!!!!!!
I hate porn and I hate the part of me that is porn drenched, the part of me that is so fucking desperate to "bathe" in a flood of constant hormonal intoxication. The part of that is compensating for the trauma, for the lack of childhood nourishment that I needed so badly.
No, let's beat women and fill their mouths with cum! They deserve it, right? They are just empty, mindless vessels with tits and pussy and butt holes! And it feels so good to dominate these idiots, doesn't it?
When I think about this right now, I want to jump off of a cliff, because I lost my humanity at such a young tender age, and I tried so many times to retrieve it unsuccessfully. Who am I? What am I? I wonder....
So, at least the wonder has returned a little, and day by day I am retrieving a little of this wonder to be hopeful for my soul, disgusted with mankind and maybe learn to make peace with the fucking dog. That poor creature, he doesn't know anything, he just exists, but he has a purpose, and he is doing his job, so I can respect him for that.
My dog does live a purposeful life, but I don't.
What is it like to live for a purpose? As a creative part of the universe? I wonder.....

 

Do most people live shadow lives?
Is it common to have a "mistress" or a lover, aside from the wife and family?
My mistress was my porn addiction, and when I say porn, I mean any continued porn fantasy in the mind, with or without images or movies. I used to look forward to my porn time in the same way one might look forward to secretly meeting with the mistress.
How many times in my life have I masturbated to porn in my life? Hundreds or thousands? I don't know, but it's sad to say that "success" in life for me simply means abstaining from porn. It's also interesting to me that it's easier for me to abstain while living alone rather than with a partner. You would think that having a partner to have sex with would help me stay away from porn, but no, it actually made it worse. Granted, the first couple of years were great, because she was the closest thing to my desired fantasy that I had found, but she was not able to provide me with the same level of excitement as I had been accustomed to in my porn fantasies, and over the years, as she got older, it just got worse, because fucking her became like fucking a log, like sticking my dick inside of a cavity in a log or stump.
There were times when I tried to prompt her to go into my fantasy world, because she apparently had none of her own, but the external circumstances of our life together were too problematic and stressful to allow this, and of course we were trying to raise a family etc.
But now, after 30 years, she has moved out of our common home, and what a relief! Looking at her meant sexual frustration, and now I don't have to look at her anymore.
So, as I see and have casual contact with other women now, the attitude has suddenly changed. I feel more confident, less needy and somewhat liberated, which means that pursuing another woman right now would complicate things again. Even though I tend to fantasize about meeting women constantly, it doesn't immediately go to sex in my mind, but rather to simple interactions like walking together or conversing. I've missed this, because my wife always had an agenda, always! Do this for me, do that for me...and it never ended.
Despite my apparent "need" for physical contact, there is a larger purpose, and that is connection, and for me, the most profound connection is a Spiritual one, which can be manifested through sexual energy, and I argue that it mostly is. Words can be confusing, but I have to remind myself that I am fundamentally a sexual being.
I no longer wish to engage in pathological sexual behavior, but rather free and natural sexual expression, and what that exactly means for me is a journey into an existence of natural harmony.

 

Natural harmony....I don't even know what that means.
There is harmony; harmony with what? with a partner, with a group of people, with the Spirit, with the Universe....
There is the natural and the supernatural, so is God Nature or outside of Nature, hence Super-Nature? What about transcending porn? What about transcending Nature?
It is "natural" for humans to want to fuck, right? But it is supernatural for humans to want to commune with a higher power, isn't it? So we have the natural part of ourselves and we have the supernatural part of ourselves, so if integrating all aspects of my "self" into one super human, then I must also integrate or "harmonize" the natural and supernatural.
Some people would say that life is a miracle, and some people would say that birth is a miracle, and men have the ability to produce life with a woman. The seed, or semen is the physical substance, but it takes a certain action or reaction in the body to produce it. The body doesn't just keep producing semen, no, I am responsible for generating a life producing substance, which is exactly what it is, life producing, and the production process takes energy, and the ejaculation of it is an intense hormone flooded experience, and us guys spill semen like we piss urine it seems.
What the fuck ever happened to people that we think we must spend semen like piss???
Have we confused the act of ejaculating with the act of intimacy? What exactly is it that attracts me to a woman? So far it's been the physical features mainly, but a deeper connection can be had if we want it. Maybe we don't. Maybe people are scared shitless to connect on a deeper level.
Right now, I am literally going through withdrawal symptoms that may last for years, I am coming to terms with this, slowly. Most days I dread getting out of bed to face the reality of my current situation. But so much of this recovery process depends on transcending the current situation, transcending the ordinary and accustomed way of thinking, transcending the porn paradigm.
And I say the "porn paradigm", because it has been the fundamental state of mind, and it has been the highest form of experience that I thought I could achieve, but the pathetic aspect of it is that the fantasies involve other people. If I fantasize about interacting with people in any way, then there must be a trained or perceived need to interact with people. That is also a mindset, and there have been and are people who prefer solitude and have transcended that paradigm also, namely the paradigm of needing to be with people.
So porn is a twisted, psychotic and pathetic need, but on a deeper level a need to connect.
Any human relationship can be stressful and complicated, but especially if it involves sex. Extra baggage, excess karma, and the satisfaction is always temporary until there is more.
From a natural perspective, impregnation is a tool for survival, and semen production is the necessary means for impregnation, other than that, it has no use. The orgasm is an intense experience designed to highlight the most awesome thing we can do, produce life.
It is time to understand "sex" in a different context. Sex does not need to include semen ejaculation and orgasm. Porn has taken away the most vital part of the sexual experience, namely being close to another human being, touching, embracing and exploring each other's bodies in a calm and relaxed manner. Why is this lost to the modern human sexual experience? Just like everything else...hurry, hurry, hurry...let's just get right to the climax and get this over with. We are sick, very sick!

 

well, here we go...another day...whoopeee
sitting on the phone listening to shitty music while waiting for an insurance rep, interrupted by a recorded female voice: "please wait for the next representative"
why do they use a female voice? because it is soothing and calming maybe? because it is a little sexy maybe? is sex appeal used in business and advertising? nahh...right?
sex is used as a tool to attract in every aspect of life, yes, even women themselves use their cleavage in so-called "professional" attire. why don't men wear shirts their reveal their chest in so-called "professional" attire?
sex is used in video games, in retail stores, in the movie industry, in church.....
is our society obsessed with sex? if so, why? are we lacking an authentic sex life? do we know how to express ourselves sexually in a healthy way....why are we obsessed with anything?
today I want to escape this world, yesterday I wanted to escape this world, and tomorrow I will want to escape this fucking world!
yes, sometimes I hate and sometimes I love, I don't need to hear this fucking bullshit about we shouldn't hate things and we should always be upbeat and blah blah blah
no, life is up and down, love and hate, left and right, good and bad; and when we blend it all together, then what do we get? swirled peas
everything I say, everything I do, I've already said and done, so what's the point???
Oh, I'm bored, better grab the old dick and wank on it some more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

one day at a time...one moment at a time...one breath at a time
last night when I went to bed I was really tired and I had a brief inclination to jerk off to old fantasies, but I had to remind myself to live in the moment, so I opened the window and listened to the rain while going to sleep
going through my Dad's old stuff is another process of recovery...what do I throw away, what do I keep? he never shared any of this with me when he was alive, he kept all this shit locked up in an old footlocker, just like all of his secrets and shame that he kept bottled up inside...
the recovery process should be liberating, freeing up all the rusty, musty, stinky old shit and releasing it into the universe; the universe knows what to do with it; everything can be broken down into tiny particles and remixed into something new. isn't that what we are doing? recycling basically
the recovery process for me personally is getting to know myself on a deeper level, away from expectations of others, away from demands of society, away from the influences of people who only have their own agenda
recovery is discovery, recovery is finding a lost treasure, recovery is reclaiming my birthright
recovery is allowing my penis to relax again
recovery is looking in the mirror and saying to myself: aha
recovery is playing, listening, observing and allowing the moment to simply settle into the next moment, no rush, no hurry, no anxiety, just flow, movement, expansion and contraction, cause and effect
getting to know my body in a way that I haven't before, allowing the energy to disburse throughout, through my limbs and extremities and re-awakening the serpent
when I deny myself the old programed response to my cravings, what happens? well, I feel like shit for a while; and when I force myself to do something productive for my recovery, what happens? something tells me to stop, but what is it? a loud voice? no, it's weak and it sounds like my dead grandmother!
the new man vs. the dead grandmother, which do I choose? the new man, emerging from the ruins, from the filth, from the dungeon; the new man, pieced together, molded and forged by the hand of God, I am God!