2024 The Best Year Ever

I’ve continued keep track of the small steps i take towards lust. I take so many more small steps towards this disease than I realized.

Here are some examples: 4/12 & 4/13 - I scrolled through twitter with bad intentions for 5 minutes then 10 minutes. 4/14 - I used my phone for entertainment. 4/14 - watched The Empire Strikes Back and struggled with the bikini scene.

Before I was only reporting my falls where I was seeking out imagery. But keeping track of these smaller slips helps me understand what leads to a fall.

Last week I was really tormented by lust at my computer at work. Especially Thursday. I didn’t have anything urgent to do and was tasked with being at my desk all day. Twice I realized I was being tempted, and got up for a walk. During my walks I specifically tried to tell Jesus exactly how I was feeling. I told him about my temptation, my frustration with my sex life, how I was blaming my wife for things, how hard it was to be trapped in front of a computer. Telling Him all this, He worked in my heart in a way that can only be described as supernatural. I know he was with me. I returned to my desk and hammered out work that wasn’t urgent but was important. I know I will be blessed from this!

Psalm 1 - Blessed is the man who does not walk in the council of the wicked, stand in the path of the sinners, nor sit in the seat of the scoffers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in it He dwells days and night. He will be like a tree FIRMLY planted by streams of water who yields its fruit in season, and who leaf does not wither. In whatever he does he prospers.

 

All,

I’m continuing to journal my account of any step I take towards lust. There were so many of these steps that I previously didn’t note to my AP because they seemed so small. Like last week I was listening to music in Amazon Music. Without thinking much about it, I was soon scrolling through album covers looking for sexual excitement. But then I stopped. Later I added this note to my journal. I can tell that God is pro detailed accountability like this. He is giving me hope of restoring me.

My AP is recommending I write down my little victories too. There are too many. I didn’t realize how often I have to ignore a woman’s cleavage, or keep my eyes true in the gym. I probably face some sort of temptation like this 5-10 times a day, and more mentally. But it’s getting slightly easier with more journaling.

The other battle is the thought life. I realize that a lie I frequently believe is that lustful thoughts start without my permission. This is a lie! I control what I think about! I’ve been trying to gift wrap these lustful thoughts and set them at the cross, then replace them with truth of God’s word, like the joy of walking in the light. The more I do this, the more contained the lustful thoughts are.

I just want to take a minute and praise God for giving me hope. No matter how many times I’ve fallen, He is always there to give me hope for a restored life.

 

All,

The more I journal about small steps towards lust, the more I realize how truly ignorant I was to these before. God please open my eyes and let me see these steps! That which gets measured gets acted upon!

I have also been listening to Sheila Wray Gregoire’w podcast called ‘The Bare Marriage’. It is so helpful to hear a woman’s perspective on what women think, on porn, on marriage, and on sex. She does NOT normalize porn addiction in marriage. I think sometimes we spend so much time on nofap and other resources that we think all married men suffer from lust addiction. Not true! We can and should and should be expected to have victory over lust. That is hope! God always has provided hope.

 

Faced strong temptation yesterday in my hotel room. I was starting to have images of P come to my mind as I layed there. Then I remembered my battle plan. I got up and read psalm 27 aloud and left my room and went for a walk. Boom. That’s my battle plan.

 

All,

Today marks 30 days without any p-subs. I honestly feel embarrassed that this is where I’m at. Seems like I should have much more than 30 days put together given how long I’ve been battling. But I have serious faith that Jesus has the power to heal me, and that I will NOT be trapped in p-subs forever. The next chapter in my life will not contain p-subs. I will look back upon them and still feel their pull, but I will not want to go back. I will not desire to see other women.

Today I’m in a phase where I usually don’t want to see p-subs. Over the past 30 days this has been the norm. But there have also been moments when I’ve had to ‘white knuckle’ and hang tight to my battle plan. The leader of our CR talks about how he doesn’t even desire the drugs he used to take. I cannot wait to be at that place. I figure that knowing my identity in Christ and drawing into that is the fundamental piece of growth that I need.

My AP also promised me breakfast for hitting 30 days. Conversely I would have had to buy him breakfast if I slipped. This challenge really helps! I thought about this carrot all the time during these 30 days. I will be enjoying hash browns, not carrots.

 

Friends, I really need your advise about what to tell my wife.

Yesterday before walking into church, she saw a blue recovery chip in my car. It said ‘the journey begins’ on it. She asked what it was. I told her it was old. We get out of the car and start walking into church. She asked when I’ll be receiving my next chip. I told her it had been 3 years since I disclosed my major relapse to her. She says ‘so you’ll be receiving a 3 year chip this month’? And I said ‘yeah’.

Later after church, I explained what the blue chip was really for. I explained that it was the beginning of me charting any step I make towards lust. I gave her an example. I said I didn’t know how much she wanted to know about my recovery, since it is very personal to her. I told her that I hope she didn’t think I’d been perfect because I have not been perfect, and that I wouldn’t tell her about problems with recovery unless I got stuck and was no longer progressing in recovery. She very quickly changed the topic, pointing to lights at a nearby tennis court and asked if they were made by my company (we manufacture lights).

I feel guilty for initially lying to her while heading into church. Obviously was not a good time to talk about it, but I shouldn’t have lied about anything. I don’t want her living on false hope that I haven’t looked up images in 3 years.

What do I do?

What do I say?

When?

Please help. I know this will be a DEVASTATING conversation for her to have. It will wreck her entire year. But I know that marriages don’t last without honesty, and lying is the fastest way to an unrepairable marriage.

 

Yesterday was disclosure day for my wife and I. It was the 2nd time that I’ve told her about my slips. I was so nervous going into it. I was leaning heavily on my APs and support group. I remember walking around during lunch at work Tuesday praying. I asked Jesus to reveal His heart to me and show me how He really felt about my last 3 years of recovery and the truths that I had to present. He told me very, very clearly that He would reveal how He felt through my wife.

Last night we were reading through a marriage book. After we finished the chapter, I told her that it was NOT true that I was about to collect a 3 year chip, that I had gone through slips, and that I didn’t deserve a 3 year chip. She had some questions, like why i lied to her. Like, were these slips into imagery, an affair, porn or what. I explained to her how my addiction is to the actual ‘searching’ of images. How I will go onto twitter, facebook, etc and just search and search without stopping, but knowing there is lust in my heart. I also explained to her how I had gone around covenant eyes, which adds to the thrill of the search. She was silent for a long time.

I explained to her that I suggest three changes. 1, I want to find a councelor who is more geared toward sexual addiction to help me get to the root of why I want to search out images. 2. I want to try a 30, 60 or 90 day reboot. I am way too dependent on sex for happiness, for relief from temptation, for a lot of things. I think a reboot could help. And 3. I will participate in my CR’s next 12 step, which starts in September.

She agreed that these are good changes to make. Then she said the most amazing thing. She said she knew I wouldn’t be perfect, that she’s not perfect, and that what’s important to her is that I’m in recovering and moving forward. She said she had seen in my phone that my AP congratulated me on 30 days clean, so she was kind of suspicious of my lie to begin with. She said the lie was the biggest problem. She made jokes and lightened the mood. I could clearly see the grace of God in her, and that was the best part of all. I have never loved Christ or my wife so much as I do today.

I would like any input on my proposed steps 1 and 2. Thank you guys for your prayers and support. I probably wouldn’t have had the courage without you.

 

I am so grateful to God for His incredible grace. His grace says that he knows life is hard, but that He wants to make it easier by giving us His path. How much more peaceful is sobriety than chaos?

I am at day 44 without searching for p-subs. My wife and I are doing a 60 day hard mode reset, and for that we’re on day 9. Nothing changes if nothing changes! So I am trying some changes, including this hard mode thing. I want my brain rewired so I am not dependent on sex, on release, on dopamine hits from searching for p-subs.

There is peace and joy in knowing that my wife finally knows where I’m at with my struggle. I don’t have to worry about her finding out.

If anyone has any resources such as audio or video about the benefits of rebooting, please let me know!