The real reason I have failed

I've been on the nofap journey for a long while now, I want to say around 6 months or so but I'm not entirely certain the exact day I tried to quit PMO. Now I have had some success, don't get me wrong, but its only been marginal at best.

I've come to the realization (as have others) that porn was, and is, a crutch. It may sound odd but hear me out a little; people who have broken a leg use a crutch to help them stand up, in the same way many people use all kinds of things (good or bad) to get them by, I believe porn was one of the things that fulfilled a need that I never had.

About a week or so ago a cute female tried to initiate a conversation with me, and well I kind of just blew her off, mind you I'm not so rude as to just tell her to go off herself but I remember vividly how I just ignored and shrugged her off. Now you all may be thinking that its because I was genuinely uninterested, and you may be partially correct, but I know for a fact that if it had been a different situation I would've talked up a storm with her. The fact I keep going back to that moment in my head just tells me something isn't right, if I cared that much about the whole thing why didn't I just, I don't know, try?

I obsess over relationships and romance and all that junk, see I thought I really wanted to be with someone, because you know, I care about others so much. Now I understand that I never really wanted to be in a relationship with anyone... I liked the idea of being with someone, but to actually go through with all the rejection, the awkwardness, the parts that make your heart pump, and the parts that make your heart feel as though its being ripped out, its just too much for me to handle.

I relapsed yesterday and today, not because I couldn't control myself, but because I didn't want to stop in the first place. Porn has become my crutch, my safety net if you would, its there if I ever get horny, or if I ever get lonely, or for whatever ails me. Best of all I don't have to put up with the emotional roller coaster that a real person would put me through, I never get rejected, I never get teased, I never feel any real pain associated with it at all. In a way you could say porn is like a cruel version of heaven, its too good to be true, too good to actually do good.

I'm not going to pretend I've found the solution to this problem of mine, nor am I going to say I feel confident enough now to where I can quit PMO for good, but what I will say is that I understand myself, and my problem, more than I have before.

I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life, so kind as to care about all those around me, and yet so selfish as to never let anyone care about me. I want to become the person I always aspired to, I can no longer pretend I'm going on the right track if I don't overcome this part of me.

Sorry for all the rambling guys, I just thought if I wrote (or typed) this down it might help me a little, I hope someone somewhere got something useful from my gibberish.

 

See that's what I was sort of getting at...

I know its bad for me, and yet I um, love it, and even when my body doesn't necessarily want anything to do with porn my heart tells me it wants to watch it again and again and so on.

I don't know exactly how to stop myself, I mean sure I could tell myself that I should try talking to girls more but I'm worried if I get rejected I'll get even worse, and so I don't do that and instead I just talk to certain people I know online and it makes me feel lonely and so I get the urge to PMO again, and the cycle goes on and on with no real end in sight.

Its a vicious cycle, and in order to stop it I must find a way out, I have no clue how to really do that, so I'm just left with soul searching for now.