Bigger problem (performance anxiety)

I try to quit porn from 15 months. Today i ended my biggest streak of 11 days, and i relapsed. I realised that my problem is bigger than porn, and complex in emotional way

Many years ago i read about semen retention technique, which can make you better lover, becouse you can last longer in bed. I tryed to learn this, and this was begining of my problem, becouse my masturbation was no longer just masturbation, but it started to be a training. Deep down was some kind of tensionm and pressure to last as long as i can...to control my erection. I want to have erection, and i want to controll it. And offcourse it makes me the opposite. I even had had an premature ejaculation during PMO session, which made me more anxious, and makes me more in "controll mode"

My PMO sessions became something weird. I am affraid to end to fast, so i am just controling my errection. It is like i am no longer able to masturbate i just control my erection and in can last like 4 hours. As long as i can...sometimes i am so exhousted that my penis is dead, but i masturbate waiting for erection, and i am searching for more hot content...

Another problem is my fantasies. During this streak i was able not watch porn..but i was not able to stop think about sex. I fell like hungry, thirsty animal which use every picture, every women as an sexual object..and i can do it for hour during my erectile session as i call it. It is like i can use porn, but also i can use just brain and just imagination.

And offcourse after that i start to watch porn too, becouse it is new stimulus, and i can prolong my erection by new stuff.

I fell like i can use both. Porn as an image, and fantasies. Both are like objects which i use to arous myself and, craving to use fantasies are stronger than urges to use porn. What to do? Porn is in your computer, but thoughts are in your head and it is harder not to use it.

I think that my healing streaks are broken bacouse of my fantasies problem. That fantasies are not just normal fantasies. I can fell it, that they are bad. Bad in meaning like..i dont know. It is like with water in well. My sexual well is empty, bacouse porn dont work for me like days before, so i try to squize water from bottom of well. I dont know what to do

ok...i jusr dont know what to do, and how can i fight with this. I think i might have really severe addition problem. My realpses looks like 4 hours+2 hours+ another 2 hours sesion during one day...but i am almost 40 years old man, and my body cant stand this like when i was 24 or something...and here again appears my performance anxiety. I try to get perfect erection, and perfect session, but porn does not work on me, so even more i try etc..etc...like some kind of emotional disorder. Some kind of obsession.It is like not just porn addiction, but more like emotional, anxiety disorder. Like ortorexia, like bigorexia...but is have eretilerexia. WTF is THIS??!?! I mean i am like f alien, even here where are people with problems. My problem sems to be simething more complex, and i dont know what is this shiet, and how to overcome this. The weaker my erection is, the more porn/fantasies i try to use to prove myself that my erection is good, and i am ready to have sex with women. But it never ends..

 

Sure...But there is something under this. When i write this is even fell it, and i know what is this in emotion meaning. I just watched video about orthorexia, and one girl almost died becouse of this, and everuthing starder for her, when one pearson said that she have "fluffy stomach",and step by step she get this disorder. And i dont have something like this, but i fell that i strongly want to control this anxiety. It is not like just urges to watch porn. Really...i dont have to watch it, it is more like ...i wrote about it in first message so there is no point to repeat.

But even this 11 days streak. I know how it started..it started when i "calmed myself" by 2 hourse after midnight session. That was good session..and i swear i want to puke when i am writing this. How it sounds is just sick, Just sick, but it is true. Anyway. After that session i was like calmed, not anxious about my erectile, and after this i was able to managed almost 2 weeks. I have erectile disfunction, and in this same time performance anxiety.

And how to stop fantasizing? How to do it?

 

ye..just saying that i concentrate on porn, but this fatasizing is like siping bear when you are alcoholic. You are not drunk, but rebooted either

 

I will write something else what cames to my mind, and it is weird. I had for example fatasies about one girl. This fantasies tooks my days, and one day i met her on party. I met her and i wanted to fired up my fantasies on other level, but they did not worked. She was absolutly sexually indifferent for me, and i was like looking on her, and waiting for my arousal, which did not came. So i started to desperatly fantasize, like using different fantasies like tools, in hope that something will work, but nothing did. It is like one part of me is normal, and in general my sexuality is just standard, normal..but Porn makes me like searching of "brain burning" effect. Like i am not addicted just to porn, or just arousal or sex. It is like i am addicted to another level of arousal.

at the begining i swear i was able to masturbate like hours. I swear that my hand sometimes was stiff. Literally stiff and numb, so i had to stop for a minute. I was edging for hours and in that state, brain is not just aroused it is like you take bath in arousal. Like wave which grabs you and take away, and this state makes my Porn addict in another direction, but i am seaking of this same state, which porn was giving me, but which cant give me anymore.

I am not sure it is more funny, grotesk scarry or pathetic..And this state i want to achieve, but till i started semen retantion "training", and since i started to think about performance i just cant, and i am like in vicious circle.

 

Jezus..you are trully yoda himself