I'm so tired

Just joined NoFap today, still need some time figuring out all terminology and don't really know how to write a thread but I just wanted to share this with someone.
I've been into P for a long time now, since I was 11 or smth like that and never really tried fighting my addiction or even thinking that I may develop addiction to it. It was just PMO, regret, time passing by and repeat.

As I grew older I started struggling with urge to fap but would easily break, so my real battle started after I turned 20 and addiction got worse. At some point, I managed to "stay clean" for half a year and to my own surprise I haven't even noticed that at first, like literally the whole idea of PMO just vanished by itself. I remember how one day the urge started taking over but then I said to myself "I wonder how long it can last" and it took me to the point when I started shaking but still didn't even watched P that day and got a feeling like was released from chains, after that began my half a year strike.

Now I don't feel that willpower in me to abstain from PMO, It really gets bad at weekends when I stay home alone and waking up at morning, feels like a fog surrounds my mind and all the ways to fight just gets blocked, can't even reach me. I really feel that this problem affected my memory and whole health, even now when writing this thread and seeing all repeating words. I just feel tired fighting and have no motivation going further but also can't keep falling into PMO abyss.

Honestly didn't expect to write that much but anyway, don't even know how to call it, a cry for help or just thoughts on how addiction feels like to me. I'm not sure already if I can save myself from it.

 

Just want to make it clear that my half a year streak ended in 2021, I noticed that didn't mentioned it after was rereading my post, but in any case both your and reply above gave me hope. It makes me happy that someone answered.

 

I'm not good at supporting people, but I do believe you still can go through it. I felt so empty the day when wrote this thread that even the concert that I was waiting for past 2 years couldn't cheer me up, but now after 3 days I feel better and don't wanna give up. Usually after PMO there is no energy left in me to do anything, I just sit before monitor feeling super depressed. But 1 day I got so tired of this post nut clarity bullshit that right after shower I put some clothes, done some pushups and exercises, cleaned up my home and went for a walk before sleep, all feeling super charged. And by the end of the day, I felt myself very good, not because I coomed and washed off all stress, but because I got over myself.

That's how you beat this shit, you need to simply get over yourself, don't focus too much on P OR your failure, focus on what you do to fight it, direct all your energy after relapse on ways to fight it, some other activities or more healthy thoughts. Sometimes after my relapses I can't even listen to some music or play games I played before because I have bad associations to it after I coom, like they were supposed to save me from my inner demons, help me in my struggle with P but they failed and I abandon them because of it (I know how stupid it sounds lol). I still have some of these thoughts in me but I realized that don't want to abandon any piece of media that I like because I had one bad day. Yes, I'm writing this after I relapsed myself and started this whole thread, yes, there is too much of P nowadays and you may have been watching it for a loong period of time like I did, and yes, you may fail not once trying to not focus on P or doing something else. But it's important to keep doing things you do when fighting P. It's just like hitting gym, you may come there as a skinny guy and feeling dead after one day of hard workout, but if you keep going there, with time you'll become much stronger than you were.
Just like it was mentioned above, it's important getting a plan of things that can help in fight. For me it was blocking the infamous P site alongside one other, getting out of house on weekends more often, doing some exercises sometimes, reading a book or hanging out with friends atleast once in 2 weeks and I believe there is much more to it. Some of it may not apply to you personally, but you can find something your own. Of course you can slip one day, but if you'll keep adding to your activites despite feeling bad, you may push out P out of your life.

I do not know your story and you may think I just imagined myself Jordan Peterson of some sort and that I don't care, but I just found your reply very relatable and wanted to atleast try helping, because I do care. I really hope you'll be able to shine a light in your soul again and beat your addiction, just remember that if you'll want to watch P again. Good luck, man.