35 and older accountability, Group 2

I believe you are correct. I found myself off track in every area of my life. With this reset, I plan to come back better and stronger.

 

A glossary! Perfect.

 

Day 7

I relapsed not just 7 days ago, but also 10 days ago, it's was a double crash and burn type scenario, with the first one being worse than the second. It was a good run, my best yet! 302 days, with the previous being 203, which feels like a bit of an inside joke or something lol Since then it's been ups and downs, just trying to find my center again, trying to find that gleam in my eye to aspire to greater being and becoming unto God, trying to avoid being cynical. I fail a lot but I try to aspire high so when I fail it takes time to find that motivation again, but sooner or later perhaps with patience, perhaps with prayer, or more likely just with some generous help from above, it comes!

So anyway, I blame no one but myself for my relapse(s) and make no excuses. Why blame externals when one is endowed with intellect and will? Also, why wallow in negativity when each moment presents an opportunity to snap out of it and try, try, try again! So here I am back to basecamp, and up I go, no matter how many times it takes. Love and prayers to all in this battle!

 

@InnerMan Thanks for such an inspiring take on your relapse. That’s great that you put together so many days. Nice work picking yourself up and dusting yourself off. Sounds like the big guy has your back.

 

Do you remember how you were feeling right before you acted out again?

 

Checking in.

Things have been getting better and more back to normal this week. Although it's also been a more stressful week than normal. I have started to have slight urges and thoughts the last few days but they haven't been strong or lasting at all. Hopefully that will continue.

I've decided to change my counter from "No P" to "Meeting my private goals". My goal is basically "No P" but I have looked at Psubs this year. I'm glad for the somewhat official definition in the NoFap glossary https://nofap.com/glossary/ (thanks for sharing that @persona2903 )...

I guess my simple thinking about it was something like ... P is the old well known magazines or more extreme than that...
And psubs are the swimsuits or undergarment section in the ads or more clothed than that. But there is so much more out there than that these days and surely more gray areas.

It can often be difficult for me to categorize failure. Like yesterday I came across a psub image and it wasn't intentional. I looked and I knew I was trying to look more (I know that's not good but I did). I believe I looked for less than 30 seconds and moved on but I'll say 1 minute to be safe. The good news is that I moved on and it didn't affect me much. But was that a failure? Or if I'm at the gym and a woman catches my eye. Lately I'm trying to turn and stand looking in another direction, but often I'll glance at women in the gym especially if I find them very attractive. I mean sometimes I'm entering the gym with no urges and not thinking about women at all. When I suddenly see an attractive women it affects me and I'm trying not to look but also catching glances of her here and there.

I don't really know completely how to categorize all these, all I know is that I'm doing about 10 times better (or more) this year than I did last year. Last year, I had many full PMO binges/edging I'm sure. (I can go back into my journal and it will help me remember more).

I think (and I really hope) the path I'm on is sustainable. I did run into my most difficult time starting around June 1st this year, but I believe I'm past that and I currently feel better and more normal.

I'm not an expert but I believe my dopamine levels have been kept fairly high this week with the healthy dopamine sources and that it's all kind of stabilized again. I know that after I had the P sub and MO binge recently, I was feeling depressed and anxious shortly after. I believe that was at least partly related to the flood of dopamine I received from the MOs I did the days/week before.

Like I said, I'm not an expert but all I can do is observe myself and try things out. Somehow this year I've done the best I have done in a very long time and I hope it's sustainable and I continue. I've struggled with leaving P for good for probably almost 25 years now (it's getting close I think). I feel like I've been through all the common pitfalls in trying to leave it forever. I want to never look at P again, that's my main goal. I want to continue on this path I'm on this year and hopefully circumstances in life will allow me to. Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading until the end.

 

@Cremuel thank you for your kind words

Good question - it was a gradual decline I think, not one feeling or incident in particular, just the combined effect of many stresses. Again, no excuses, but if I had to describe some of the contributors here they are:

1) A baseline level of horniness/sexual energy - I had been doing semen retention from May 13 to May 31st. I love semen retention
but it's also a dangerous energy if it's not handled properly.

2) Mid May, I was at my jiu jitsu gym and these two young hot chicks wearing yoga pants were running around etc., and obviously there wasn't much left to the imagination. I didn't stare too long but it left its mark.

3) Towards the end of May my town got hit by a tornado and it caused damage to my car and property and so I had to expend a lot of energy dealing with that. I felt strong at the time but I think it must have had a subconscious effect on me. Here's what I wrote in my journal on May 28th, just a few days after the storm:

"Yeah so, some powerful urges are sweeping through me, and there's not much push back to challenge them. The wear and tear of life is doing its thing, and my mind seems to be seeking out those old stomping grounds of thoughts, images and desires, knowing that these stomping grounds lead to a place of intense pleasure, release and relief. I'm tired, tired of treading those narrow and steep pathways to higher ground. I'd love to just give it up for a while, give in to my wildest fantasies. I hear whispers, some are from my ego, some are from the world, and some are from something else altogether, evil forces that are plotting to bring me back down to hell. Forces that are making suggestions to me in way of thoughts, and images. Lies upon lies upon lies. Right now two things are there for me: 1) My trusted mantra: where will it lead me and where will it leave me? 2) This journey of 20 mountains.

I'm hoping for a good night's sleep. I need to rest, I need to feel rejuvenated so that I have the energy to counter the lies with straight truth and with inspiring visions, ideas and emotions. I'll be okay, I think I'll get through this. Tomorrow, inshallah I'll take it easy, a day of retreat and inwardness is what I need. Long walks, coffee, incense and books. That'll do the trick!"

4) June 1st, I was at a café working when a woman sat in front of me wearing a sports bra and an unzipped hoodie, with well-endowed chest very exposed. She sat there for like an hour and she was pretty much meat for a hungry man, I'm not proud to say but it is what it is. No doubt this incident laid its impressions for fantasies and desires that followed. And in fact, I ended my semen retention streak that night, had S with wife and ejaculated. No judgment or problems with the ejaculation, but the chaser effect kicked in.

5) I'll just call this other factors:
-excessive meat consumption - I've noticed a correlation between this and PMO'ing.
-Fantasizing a lot
-Bad sleep - 4 to 6 hours of non-continuous sleep, week after week
-little efforts made in preceding months to focus on my Nofap intentions, more or less just coasting
-slipping back into bad screen habits
-More and more responsibilities and tasks piled onto my shoulders

6) Then it was P-Subs, then P but no self-play, and the rest is history

So yeah, forsure I could have made some better choices. Especially around stress management, and could have definitely done better to lower my gaze and avoid fantasizing. Easier said than done, but doable nonetheless.

 

Thanks for the update. The self-awareness sounds like progress to me. And your self restraint at the gym sounds strong. It is a difficult venue with so much eye candy. Keep up the good work!

I also struggle with women catching my eye. I don’t think I can control the moment when I first see something, but I think I might have some power over what I do after that.

I’ve got a babysitter in the house taking my daughter to the pool everyday. She’s objectively attractive, and I’ve had to make very careful decisions about where to look during interactions so as to treat her with respect—the more I work on this, I notice, the more any potential temptation to turn something into a psub gets easier to manage.

 

Keep on your journey.

I’m really struggling lately guys. When my energy and dopamine get lower in the evenings or later in the work week I’m struggling a lot to fight the urges or make healthy choices. I don’t have a clear purpose right now. My main purpose in abstaining from porn is to have a better sex life with my wife. I need to begin having conversations with her about that again because when I do, I do better.

 

doing great, no porn or masturbation. thankful!

 

keeping you in prayer

 

got you bro, praying for you and trusting to hear your breakthrough very soon. be still and know you are not alone.

 

Thats the grace that is unfolding through you, the more you are conscious of it the more it grows.

 

I’ve been struggling with a repetitive cycle these past 4 to 5 months. I have no urges for 3 or so weeks, then some small urges for a couple of days, then the really strong urges make an appearance. This cycle usually results with me giving in and acting out again. Anybody else had a similar experience?

 

Actually. Yeah. When trying to stop before joining this board, I would face huge urges (p and m) after a couple of weeks. I’m not really sure what it looks or feels like after that because I haven’t gotten that far. My plan is stay close to this forum for inspiration to see if I push through.

 

I have had those in the past when I was able to get long streaks. I would note the amount of days it happens, track my days and know that at days 18,30,40,60 it would be tough for me and I’d know I was vulnerable and avoid risky situations during those times. Avoid being alone or having things around that would make it easy for me to use.

 

I was to the point that I was acting out about every three days before coming to this forum. It is around this time that you have to be more determined than ever. Remember all the reasons why you are here in the first place and determine you are not going to give in. You need to practice overcoming the urges and make this a habit.