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Occasional sex with wife

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Jun 2, 2022.

Is my wife cheating on me?

  1. It looks like yes

    8 vote(s)
    29.6%
  2. No, she is just too busy

    19 vote(s)
    70.4%
  1. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    There is absolutely nothing wrong with having sex with your partner, even if it was every day. I would’ve loved this when I was younger. With sex addiction though, usually, frequent sex can make it more difficult to stay away from pmo, especially long term. It can also turn into its own addiction, meaning you no longer pmo but have replaced it with having sex. This is where only you can examine your actions/feelings/motives and determine if that is the case. Unfortunately, my husband cannot have sex every day. It makes staying clean much more difficult. Took us about a year to figure this out. 2 times a week is about the max. He’s willing to do more if I ask, but will sometimes end up with a chaser. Communication is key with your partner.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  2. HereAgain

    HereAgain Fapstronaut

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    I totally agree here
     
  3. HereAgain

    HereAgain Fapstronaut

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    for him or you ?
     
  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Lol! For him. I’m not the one with an intimacy disorder. Pmo is at its core an intimacy disorder. The addiction is a way to cope. It has nothing to do with sex, sex is just the “ drug” a porn addict uses. This is why many addicts will swap addictions when they try and give up one addiction. Hence why when trying to get into recovery, many pmo addicts will move to sex addiction. It’s actually pretty interesting to note how some addicts have success in the beginning with giving up pmo but when the relapse it’s a crash and burn and now they are hooked on camming or escorts.
     
  5. HereAgain

    HereAgain Fapstronaut

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  6. MarioCorrelos

    MarioCorrelos Fapstronaut

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    I apologise, I misread and interpreted "most days" as "everyday".

    I sleep with my girlfriend as well, and I assure you that the end of the day, when both of us are tired and just wanna sleep, is the worst moment for us to have intimacy. We usually have our sexual encounters in other moments of the day. But I completely understand that every couple has its own dynamics, and I'm glad that works out for you both.

    Personally, I never assumed that and I think none of what you've written throughout the whole thread leads to think that.
     
  7. HereAgain

    HereAgain Fapstronaut

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    I understand, I will assume you both work, these days life can be pretty demanding and takes a lot of energy out of you.
     
  8. Hearts

    Hearts Fapstronaut

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    I'm a guy and totally agree with everything you say.
     
    HereAgain likes this.
  9. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    I don't think your wife is cheating on you. Rather, she's probably humiliated and sick of the rejection she feels from the years you've chosen to beat off to porn, or cheat yourself on any level, one or both she knows you are doing, and how insulting to even think that she's cheating on you. You think she'll be interested in you after that insult, verbal or nonverbal? Which came first, her not wanting sex at times (which she's entitled to) or your displaying a serious PMO addiction may be beside the point. She perhaps found other activity to do, and she just doesn't want sex for its own sake or to simply serve your needs. She has needs too, most of which are relational, which you are not giving her - your body pawing her and on top of her is not the "relationship" that a woman needs. Finally, you are both getting older in this relationship, too, perhaps. Maybe her sex drive has diminished, especially if there are children. Sex was never meant to be the be all and end all in life, not even in marriage. Are you appreciating and investing in what is truly important in marriage? If not, that is why sex may seem increasingly meaningless to a wife.
     
  10. WasItWorthwhile

    WasItWorthwhile Fapstronaut

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    This thread is fascinating.

    Nearly everyone on this forum is here because we have a definite prescriptive stance (whether categorical or hypothetical) towards certain sexual behavior(s); "I should not masturbate [to porn] because [it's wrong in and of itself/it's destroying my marriage/it's destroying my career/etc]."

    But this thread shows significant spillover between our moralizing about specific sexual behavior into moralizing about sexual desire as a whole.

    Most women understandably do not comprehend a man's sex drive. Most men similarly do not comprehend a woman's sex drive, and how it is different.

    Addiction to porn or masturbation IS sexual. It's not *merely* sexual, but it's nonsensical to divorce the sexual aspects of the compulsion from the behavior. There's a reason men (10-30x testosterone levels of women) are so much more likely to be addicted to porn/masturbation. It's not interchangeable with other addictions, even if there is overlap.

    For similar reasons, the overwhelming majority of dead bedroom situations feature a man who desires more sexual frequency than his woman.

    Most guys and gals think of this too simplistically and too selfishly (yes, hormones have a lot to do with it; but, no, there wouldn't be much of a mismatch during the first few years of a relationship if the man looked like Henry Cavil; etc). Men and women are different. Usually, the disparity in sexual attraction is going to cut in one direction. Let's have some sympathy for each other.
     
  11. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    Most women haven’t had to dig their heels in and research the hell out of it to figure out why. Most men are not addicted to sex to have to figure out why.
    No it is not. And had you actually done the research that we have had to do you would know that is a lie. Sex addiction is not about sex at all any more than alcohol addiction isn’t about alcohol. If you actually understood how addiction works you would know that addiction is about a lack of healthy functional coping mechanisms. No matter what the addiction is it is a necessity for a dopamine hit. So no it isn’t sexual no matter what you believe.

    Not only is it interchangeable with other addictions it is also more difficult because it has one component that other addictions do not. The devastating effects of betrayal trauma that it inflicts upon the partner in the relationship. Whatever. Believe what you want. You’re going to do that anyway.
    This and I think that virtually every single woman in here will attest is simply not true. We want sex. We want it all the time. We just don’t want it with those of you who cheat us out of our desire to have sex. The arousal is destroyed by your juvenile asinine behavior of the addict. As an addict you speak to our boobs and our vagina. You don’t have an emotional connection to us or any other part of our body on a human level. It is solely to fulfill your sexual desires. Notice I said desires and not needs. Yeah our counselor taught us that too.
    I would take exception to the call for sympathy. Empathy yes. Sympathy no.

    Thank you for mansplaining it all to us for the umpteenth time as so many others before you have done. We understand a whole hell of a lot more about it than you do. I know personally I have invested at least 20 times more time and resources into fixing this than my husband did. That is until he finally got on board and pulled his head out of his ass and decided this is “do or die”.

    This is precisely the kind of response we are all so sick and tired of fielding. Men who have recovered? They would never have the audacity to say the shit we have to read for they know it’s all bullshit. Not in a million years.

    Have a nice day.
     
  12. WasItWorthwhile

    WasItWorthwhile Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, I am going to have a nice day.
     
  13. HereAgain

    HereAgain Fapstronaut

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    lol
    are you still married to this man?
     
  14. Robindale

    Robindale Fapstronaut

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    Well said!
     
  15. MarioCorrelos

    MarioCorrelos Fapstronaut

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    Would you say that a woman who doesn't mind about her SO PMOing, or that a woman who is SO to a non-addicted, wants sex all the time? I haven't done the research that you have, but my experience tells me otherwise.
     
  16. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    Let me put it to you this way. If you're providing for us and I don't mean monetarily what we need then yes we want sex with you all the time. Maybe you should take a closer look at your own experience and do some self-introspection to see why it is different for you. Yours is your experience. If you take a man who is doing all the right things they don't have the type of experience you speak of. They have sex all the time. I have friends who have a very healthy sex life. We do now but it hasn't always been that way. You set the narrative. You set the tone. We don't want to have sex with you not because we don't want to have sex but because we don't want to have sex with someone who is acting like an asshole towards us. Make sense?
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  17. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I think women want sex probably just as much in line with what a normal libido would be for a man who isn’t a sex addict. By that, I mean the “ gap” is not nearly what we have been taught. Both sexes have degrees of normal libido with outliers in each. However, many patriarchal societies have taught men that they can’t control themselves and need sex all the time and women need to deny wanting sex. It’s far more complicated than just libido too.. many men complain that they had lots of sex before they got married, then sex stopped? Why? They say it was a bait and switch. But really? If I, as a woman, now married, am expected to cook, clean, pay bills, take care of the kids, the laundry, and work while the man goes to work, comes home to a clean house, a meal, and laundry done, kids homework done and instead of hugging me, or sitting and talking to me he logs on to the computer or zones out in front of the TV. Do you think when I fall into bed exhausted that I will want sex? Can some couples have a complete mismatch? Absolutely. But how do you research something accurately when you have inaccurate data? A man looking at porn will think of sex far more often, this fuels his libido and with addicts to unnatural proportions. They of course then think/believe they have this high libido. Before birth control, people had to practice self control, especially women. There was a time where self control was more lived out because of sheer need. Today, we don’t bother teaching self control. Because as a whole “ you deserve it” attitude is rampant. Bigger house, nicer car, newest phone.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  18. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Its still more complicated than this, though. Both men and women can have problems with desire/libido from childhood or adult trauma. With the number of sexual assaults, and molestations there will be a large amount of people who have problems with sex and sexual desire long before they get into a relationship. And as we know, women grow up knowing they need to be careful around men. Far more women raped each day than men.
     
  19. Mazda647

    Mazda647 Fapstronaut

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    It is taught but is seemingly being ignored in favour of "do what you want and get it now". As I get older I see the "sheer need" of self control is still as important today as it ever was. What to do when self control is attempted to be taught and the response is "F-you."? It's great that today I can take off the blinders and see there are people out there that can encourage and help develop things like discipline.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  20. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    This is where it “ takes a village” comes in. Our society as a whole is not teaching self control, so parents have a huge uphill battle. I see it with my kids. I battle it every day. My son has an old car, it’s functional but it does break down. He really wants to take out a loan and get a newer car. I explain that he can barely afford this car, a paid for car. If he has a car payment and the newer car breaks down how will he afford the payment and the maintenance? But he sees all his friends with new cars their parents bought them. Something I refused to do. I could easily go pay cash for a brand new car for him. I want to, lol, but I want him to develop into a successful person more, so I will not do that. I fight every day with society telling my kids to just do it, take out a loan if you can’t afford it.
     

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