How To Betray Your Wife, Destroy Her Self-Worth And Implode Your Marriage In One Easy Step

RDucky · Jun 22, 2022

How To Betray Your Wife, Destroy Her Self-Worth And Implode Your Marriage In One Easy Step
By Matt Walsh

I wrote an article a few years ago about a husband’s great need, and right, to be respected by his wife. The article went fairly viral, so I was inundated with hundreds of emails in response to it. To my surprise, and for a refreshing change of pace, most of them were not angry or vulgar. But one theme seemed to emerge from many of the messages I received: a lot of women have trouble respecting their husbands because their husbands spend so much time watching porn.
I maintain, porn or no porn, that husbands should still be treated with respect in their homes. But that does not justify porn, nor does it mitigate the impact it has on a marriage. A man who laughs at the very idea that he may be hurting his wife by watching porn only proves the point. He has become so intensely self-involved that his wife’s needs are a joke to him. Even when she tells him that she is hurt by it, still, he blows her off and returns to the naked people on the screen. In this way, porn is even more insidious than a traditional, in-person affair, because it not only robs the wife of the fidelity and honor she is owed, but it even robs her of the right to feel angry and forsaken by her husband’s infidelity.
Few men, unless they are outright sociopaths, would scoff at their wives for being upset at them for sleeping with the secretary. They are more likely to apologize (whether sincerely or not) and cry and beg for forgiveness. Neither party will deny that the issue is a big deal. But a man who watches porn, though he has committed a form of adultery, is much bolder when confronted. He will defend his actions and actually get outraged at his wife for being outraged. She is left feeling betrayed — and crazy for feeling betrayed.
But she is not crazy.
Her husband is turning — not just once, by the way, but every day — to other women to satisfy his sexual urges. He is cheating on her. There is no nuance to it. She’s right: it’s adultery. He whittles away hours a day sitting in a darkened room pleasuring himself while strangers have sex in front of him. He imagines himself in the place of a naked man on the screen so that he can have vicarious sex with a woman who is not his wife. It’s a big deal. A very big deal. He is not really having sex with her, but so what? Perhaps he would if he had the chance, but he doesn’t, so he settles for the closest thing to it.
The whole activity is entirely selfish, of course. His wife does not exist while he watches porn. Neither do his kids. He blots them out of his mind as he plunges into the internet’s darkest recesses, looking to get his fix in increasingly depraved and exotic ways. He shrugs and yawns at his own unfaithfulness, demanding, almost self-righteously, that his wife just accept this “hobby” of his. “It’s just porn,” he says.
Notice that he would never allow his wife to use a similar argument against him. She could not run off and have a one-night stand with some guy she met at the gym on the basis that it’s “just sex.” But if porn is “just porn,” then why should sex be anything other than “just sex”? A porn user certainly can’t suddenly discover, when it suits him, a newfound appreciation for the sacredness and intimacy of the sexual act. His defense of porn is built on the very premise that watching two people have sex is no more morally significant than watching two geometric shapes bump together. But if that’s all porn is, that’s all sex is. Sex is merely two shapes bumping together. One body part inside of another. It’s just a sensation. Just a romp between the sheets. Just a physical release.
Why get worked up that your wife experienced a temporary physical sensation with another guy? Don’t overreact! It was just for fun! She didn’t love him! Calm down, bud. Why are you getting so bent out of shape? Sex is nothing special, anyway. Isn’t that your point?
Oh, but it’s different when you’re watching, you say. But why? And how far does that logic go? Could you sit in someone’s room, two feet from the bed, and witness the act unfold? Should your wife be OK with that, too? Or is it only acceptable when there’s a screen separating you? OK, then stand out on the porch and look through the window. Is that something your wife ought to tolerate? No? So it must be a digital screen? The digital screen makes it all right?
These rules are rather arbitrary, and apparently designed to justify the particular and specific form of adultery that you enjoy. That doesn’t seem very fair.
Meanwhile, as it erodes the bonds of trust that keep your marriage together, porn also ruins your wife’s self-worth. It’s not hard to see why this happens. A woman will obviously begin to feel inadequate if her husband would dredge the depths of PornHub, searching desperately for literally any woman but his wife to satisfy his urges, rather than enjoy her. Again, a porn habit is arguably worse than a one-off physical affair in this way. After an affair, a wife only feels the need to compare herself to the one woman her husband slept with. If her husband looks at porn, however, she must compare herself to hundreds and hundreds of mistresses, who are all willing to do things she refuses to do and degrade themselves in ways that she will not.
And, as porn causes a wife to feel less attractive to her husband, it also makes her husband less attractive to her. Porn emasculates, and no woman desires an emasculated man. Porn is passive and self-involved — the exact opposite of masculine. A wife finds her husband most desirable when he is doing things, making himself useful, serving, protecting, providing for his family. If you want your wife to see you as a man and feel physically and emotionally attracted to you, go out and do some yard work. Help around the house. Bring home a paycheck. Read to your children. Kill a spider. Go downstairs in the middle of the night to investigate a strange noise. Solve a problem. Lead your family in prayer.
If, instead, you want her to see you as a selfish boy and feel repulsed by you, head to the basement and turn on some porn.
The views expressed in this opinion piece are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Deleted Account · Jun 22, 2022

Wow thank you for this. I have been afraid of being in any relationship because the guy in your story could easily be me or anyone else.

adamexe · Jun 22, 2022

RDucky said: ↑

How To Betray Your Wife, Destroy Her Self-Worth And Implode Your Marriage In One Easy Step
Her husband is turning — not just once, by the way, but every day — to other women to satisfy his sexual urges. He is cheating on her. There is no nuance to it.
Click to expand...

Well huh... That's very simplistic. Of course there is nuance to it, as with anything worth discussing.
What constitutes cheating in the context of a romantic relationship is whatever the partners agree is cheating. Cheating isn't something that is absolutely defined by the universe. It's a violation of the terms of the relationship, which are mutually defined.

The problem is that most people don't discuss these things explicitly and both develop different expectations. In this case, many men consider that porn is alright and within their right. The wife might be pretty annoyed with that once she finds out, because to her, it is cheating. To the man who always thought of porn as something banal that belongs solely to his own private life, having someone who tries to dictate to him that he cannot use it comes off as petty and controlling.

Again, the problem is that the two partners have different expectations. When the guy dismisses the charges he's signaling that this is something that is not part of the negotiation, to him.

The comparison to actual adultery is a bit facetious. No indeed, not many men would scoff at their wife's objection to them having sex with their secretary. But here's the thing: if they did, not many women would remain in that relationship. They'd pack their shit and leave for good.

Which by the way, is basically the option you have if you find yourself in a relationship where your partner's behavior is not to your liking. You can voice how what they do doesn't work for you. They can either agree to work on it or tell you this is part of the deal with them and that's not going to change. From there you can decide whether that's something you can live with or not. If you make the choice that you can live with it, you've been warned. If you can't, then you can leave.

The reason I'm saying that is the following: while Walsh is trying to equate porn use to adultery, the fact of the matter is that it's obviously not only men who believe using porn isn't anywhere near as bad as sleeping with someone else. The fact that women don't leave at nearly the same rate upon finding out their bf is using porn indicates that a much smaller number of women find it as bad. Once the choice comes up, they opt to stay, when they most definitely wouldn't stay if they were told that the guy would keep on fucking his secretary.

Psalm27:1my light · Jun 23, 2022

adamexe said: ↑

Well huh... That's very simplistic. Of course there is nuance to it, as with anything worth discussing.
What constitutes cheating in the context of a romantic relationship is whatever the partners agree is cheating. Cheating isn't something that is absolutely defined by the universe. It's a violation of the terms of the relationship, which are mutually defined.

The problem is that most people don't discuss these things explicitly and both develop different expectations. In this case, many men consider that porn is alright and within their right. The wife might be pretty annoyed with that once she finds out, because to her, it is cheating. To the man who always thought of porn as something banal that belongs solely to his own private life, having someone who tries to dictate to him that he cannot use it comes off as petty and controlling.

Again, the problem is that the two partners have different expectations. When the guy dismisses the charges he's signaling that this is something that is not part of the negotiation, to him.

The comparison to actual adultery is a bit facetious. No indeed, not many men would scoff at their wife's objection to them having sex with their secretary. But here's the thing: if they did, not many women would remain in that relationship. They'd pack their shit and leave for good.

Which by the way, is basically the option you have if you find yourself in a relationship where your partner's behavior is not to your liking. You can voice how what they do doesn't work for you. They can either agree to work on it or tell you this is part of the deal with them and that's not going to change. From there you can decide whether that's something you can live with or not. If you make the choice that you can live with it, you've been warned. If you can't, then you can leave.

The reason I'm saying that is the following: while Walsh is trying to equate porn use to adultery, the fact of the matter is that it's obviously not only men who believe using porn isn't anywhere near as bad as sleeping with someone else. The fact that women don't leave at nearly the same rate upon finding out their bf is using porn indicates that a much smaller number of women find it as bad. Once the choice comes up, they opt to stay, when they most definitely wouldn't stay if they were told that the guy would keep on fucking his secretary.
Click to expand...

Honestly, if the men really thought it was ok they wouldn’t spend years making sure they kept it very well hidden. Another point,once the partner says it’s cheating to them, then you stop, because if you care about your spouse you don’t intentionally keep doing that thing that hurts them. You are delusional if you don’t think people leave at the same rate. What you missed entirely from this is we just don’t tell people why we leave when it’s a porn addiction. If it’s an “affair” everyone understands why we leave! But porn? It’s literally turned back on US! I know, I’ve been dealing with the SO’s for years and we all feel this. I had a counselor ask me if I “ dressed sexy” and did I “ try” to get him interested. Wtf? I did everything I could to try and get my husband interested in sex. The one friend I tried to talk with? Said no normal man would want porn over sex unless the woman was terrible in bed. Don’t lie to yourself. Women do leave, they just have a harder time for exactly the reason he mentions, what does it matter if the left that day or one year later? End result is they still left. I agree that whatever the couple agrees is cheating is, many couples watch porn together or have threesomes or open marriage. However if your partner feels it’s cheating then it is and you either stop or tell her your not going to stop. You do not lie to her face while jerking off in the bathroom secretly. If you do not want to give up masturbating to your phone, that’s perfectly fine and within your right. But do not tell your partner one thing while you do another like a coward.

adamexe · Jun 23, 2022

"Honestly, if the men really thought it was ok they wouldn’t spend years making sure they kept it very well hidden."
Well I disagree with the premise: I don't know of any man who "spent years making sure they kept it very well hidden". In general it seems to me that people just don't talk about it because they consider it's something private, yet if they are questioned about whether they use porn they'll just admit they do. In large part because lots of people don't consider it an offense.

"once the partner says it’s cheating to them, then you stop, because if you care about your spouse you don’t intentionally keep doing that thing that hurts them"
Lots of people take offense to things their partners do that are perfectly legitimate. Some women don't like the idea of their man hunting. Some guys don't like their woman dressing a certain way, or having male friends at all, etc. A relationship isn't just rolling over to appease your partner by letting them control you away from everything they don't like. You can certainly pick your battles, but to categorically state that the moment your partner says they don't like something you do means you need to stop is wrong.

"You are delusional if you don’t think people leave at the same rate."
Well, even sanctimonious Walsh isn't arguing that they do. His entire rant rests on the premise that they don't. You can take this up with him.

"But porn? It’s literally turned back on US!"
Yes, and I explained why.

"I’ve been dealing with the SO’s for years and we all feel this."
Note that I'm not saying porn cannot or doesn't cause problem in a relationship. It obviously does. If it didn't none of us would be on that forum. What I'm saying is that declaring that porn us " is cheating on her. There is no nuance to it" is simplistic and false.

Even Walsh doesn't believe his own point as he demonstrates with his next arguments:
"“It’s just porn,” he says.
Notice that he would never allow his wife to use a similar argument against him. She could not run off and have a one-night stand with some guy she met at the gym on the basis that it’s “just sex.” "

In order to try and compel the reader to see his point, Walsh uses not the equivalent of having the guy's wife using porn, but straight up going off and having sex with someone else. Which is, by any standard, huh... the literal definition of adultery. So in order to convince us that watching porn is just as transgressive as having sex with someone else, Walsh wants us to imagine how we would feel if our partner actually had sex with someone else. That's... an impressively bad argument.

"Women do leave"
I'm sure some do, but not nearly as much. And here you're talking about excessive and addictive porn use. You're talking about someone whose porn use is making them uninterested in their partner. Now your life is affected by *his* use of porn. That's a different story.

"what does it matter if the left that day or one year later"
It demonstrates that the offense it nowhere near as serious as cheating. Very few women would stick it for years as their partner admits to them they're routinely having sex with other women and intends to keep doing it.

"You do not lie to her face while jerking off in the bathroom secretly. If you do not want to give up masturbating to your phone, that’s perfectly fine and within your right. But do not tell your partner one thing while you do another like a coward."
Well with that I perfectly agree.

Psalm27:1my light · Jun 24, 2022

adamexe said: ↑

"Honestly, if the men really thought it was ok they wouldn’t spend years making sure they kept it very well hidden."
Well I disagree with the premise: I don't know of any man who "spent years making sure they kept it very well hidden". In general it seems to me that people just don't talk about it because they consider it's something private, yet if they are questioned about whether they use porn they'll just admit they do. In large part because lots of people don't consider it an offense.

"once the partner says it’s cheating to them, then you stop, because if you care about your spouse you don’t intentionally keep doing that thing that hurts them"
Lots of people take offense to things their partners do that are perfectly legitimate. Some women don't like the idea of their man hunting. Some guys don't like their woman dressing a certain way, or having male friends at all, etc. A relationship isn't just rolling over to appease your partner by letting them control you away from everything they don't like. You can certainly pick your battles, but to categorically state that the moment your partner says they don't like something you do means you need to stop is wrong.

"You are delusional if you don’t think people leave at the same rate."
Well, even sanctimonious Walsh isn't arguing that they do. His entire rant rests on the premise that they don't. You can take this up with him.

"But porn? It’s literally turned back on US!"
Yes, and I explained why.

"I’ve been dealing with the SO’s for years and we all feel this."
Note that I'm not saying porn cannot or doesn't cause problem in a relationship. It obviously does. If it didn't none of us would be on that forum. What I'm saying is that declaring that porn us " is cheating on her. There is no nuance to it" is simplistic and false.

Even Walsh doesn't believe his own point as he demonstrates with his next arguments:
"“It’s just porn,” he says.
Notice that he would never allow his wife to use a similar argument against him. She could not run off and have a one-night stand with some guy she met at the gym on the basis that it’s “just sex.” "

In order to try and compel the reader to see his point, Walsh uses not the equivalent of having the guy's wife using porn, but straight up going off and having sex with someone else. Which is, by any standard, huh... the literal definition of adultery. So in order to convince us that watching porn is just as transgressive as having sex with someone else, Walsh wants us to imagine how we would feel if our partner actually had sex with someone else. That's... an impressively bad argument.

"Women do leave"
I'm sure some do, but not nearly as much. And here you're talking about excessive and addictive porn use. You're talking about someone whose porn use is making them uninterested in their partner. Now your life is affected by *his* use of porn. That's a different story.

"what does it matter if the left that day or one year later"
It demonstrates that the offense it nowhere near as serious as cheating. Very few women would stick it for years as their partner admits to them they're routinely having sex with other women and intends to keep doing it.

"You do not lie to her face while jerking off in the bathroom secretly. If you do not want to give up masturbating to your phone, that’s perfectly fine and within your right. But do not tell your partner one thing while you do another like a coward."
Well with that I perfectly agree.
Click to expand...

Just go read the partner section if you don’t think the vast majority lie and hide it. Go read the men in the 40+ section who insists on hiding it from their partners. I mean just look at most of my replies on here, most are to men hiding this from their partners! In almost 4 years, multiple porn addiction forums, intensives and betrayal trauma groups I’ve only heard less than a handful where the partner was honest. Most of us stumbled on their secret. Books have been written about it by the dozens.
Many many partners stay and try and work it out even after an affair. Especially if children are involved. It’s only after multiple affairs that partners end up leaving. Same with porn, it’s after multiple times of betrayal. Not usually the first discovery but sometimes it is. Depends on the partner.
I’m not talking about “ taking offense to shit” my husband does a lot of things that I don’t like and he hadn’t changed. But I dont feel like it’s cheating and I don’t feel hurt. If I tell him what he’s doing hurts me, YES I expect him to stop and or change. Just like I would for him.

RDucky · Jun 26, 2022

Psalm27:1my light said: ↑

Honestly, if the men really thought it was ok they wouldn’t spend years making sure they kept it very well hidden. Another point,once the partner says it’s cheating to them, then you stop, because if you care about your spouse you don’t intentionally keep doing that thing that hurts them. You are delusional if you don’t think people leave at the same rate. What you missed entirely from this is we just don’t tell people why we leave when it’s a porn addiction. If it’s an “affair” everyone understands why we leave! But porn? It’s literally turned back on US! I know, I’ve been dealing with the SO’s for years and we all feel this. I had a counselor ask me if I “ dressed sexy” and did I “ try” to get him interested. Wtf? I did everything I could to try and get my husband interested in sex. The one friend I tried to talk with? Said no normal man would want porn over sex unless the woman was terrible in bed. Don’t lie to yourself. Women do leave, they just have a harder time for exactly the reason he mentions, what does it matter if the left that day or one year later? End result is they still left. I agree that whatever the couple agrees is cheating is, many couples watch porn together or have threesomes or open marriage. However if your partner feels it’s cheating then it is and you either stop or tell her your not going to stop. You do not lie to her face while jerking off in the bathroom secretly. If you do not want to give up masturbating to your phone, that’s perfectly fine and within your right. But do not tell your partner one thing while you do another like a coward.
Click to expand...

You should post your analogy over here too. It really applies.

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