Occasional sex with wife

Point noted. And you are right about all of that!

 

Hi Happenstance,

I see you've started off your day grumpy, angry and triggered again.

Sex is the route word of sex-addiction, I think its safe to say that, prima facie, sex has something to do with sex-addiction. If it was purely a dopamine high, we would see PMO addicts escalating to hard drugs, which they don't normally do.

Is this how you communicate with your husband? I hope not, but I think we all know the answer. As stated earlier, you need to work on your communication skills.

That's what this thread is about, women who do not want to have sex with your husband even when he has successfully ceased PMO, and is trying to make the effort to reestablish intimate intimate relations with you.

Again your communication skills, as usual, are very poor here. When communicating with others, if you belittle their opinion, especially when using gender based sexist terms like 'mansplaining', you are much more likely to elicit a negative response and not have a productive conversation.

You shouldn't make generalization about large groups of people based on gender etc. In this instance, you are saying that women know a lot more about 'it' than men do which is a sexist generalization, demonstrating your underlying sexist beliefs.

No one is forcing you to field any questions. you came back to take a shot at @WasItWorthwhile; his post seemed reasonable to me. Members of this board are here in good faith to help each other, you should try to be supportive instead of the holier than thow condescension that permeates your posts.

Anyway, I do hope that you have a good day Happenstance However, I get the feeling that you take offence to that. I would like to suggest that each morning you take about 10 minutes to get yourself in a good mood. To do this, put on some head phones and watch this video or one like it each morning, it will make a big difference. Also, when you start your day off in a good mood, you will be much more likely to have a positive effect on those around you.

 

That’s your opinion and opinions are like YOU! Go figure out what that means since you seem to read between the lines.

I changed my mind. What do you care? It’s none of your damned business anyway.

WTF do you know about integrity and trustworthiness?

Which goes to show just how ignorant you are about addiction. That’s OK. Most of you addicts are. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

No! my husband can carry on an intelligent conversation. He couldn’t when he was active in his addiction. Besides how we communicate with one another is none of your damned business. Gaslight much?

Simply quitting PMO isn’t enough. If you understood that you wouldn’t be experiencing the sexual rejection you whine and cry and complain about so much. It doesn’t matter what you are doing. Just because you ceased PMO doesn’t rectify the problem and make it go away. There is a healing process for betrayal trauma. You know nothing about addiction let alone betrayal trauma. Our counselor said it best. It’s a marathon. Not a sprint. It’s the same way with you boys about the 90 day reboot. You act like on day 91 “I’m done. I’m good. I’m ready to go.” Right! How’s that working out for ya? Never mind. I don’t even care.

“Mansplaining” you mean like what you are trying to do to me right here right now? That kind of gender biased sexiest crap coming out of your mouth? You ostracize my communication skills because it hits too close to home for you. Honestly I could give a damn about your opinion. You’ve shown me little evidence of having one worthy of consideration. Yes it’s “mansplaining”...like what you’re attempting to do here.

Why not? You are! Please don’t insult my intelligence by saying you don’t profile people based on stereotype. We all do it at some level. You stereotype us while complaining about us stereotyping. Now that’s funny!

And now we get to the meat and potatoes. You’re going to tell me what I believe. There is an entire segment on gaslighting about that very subject. Thanks for reinforcing it. To be clear I’m saying we know a lot more about ‘it’ because we’ve actually invested the research time energy and effort into learning about the very fucked up treatment we had to endure from our addict partners.

It’s “thou”. “Holier than thou”. Ya know what? I just don’t give a shit what your opinion is of me. In fact I don’t give a shit what your opinion is at all. As long as you’re attacking me you are leaving other people alone and you can’t be perpetuating your ignorance all over the forum. Yeah we learned that too.

You know nothing of my mood. It’s for people like you that respond with this kind of foolishness that affects my mood. What you see as triggered I see as a factual response. I don’t even know why I’m responding to you except to squash this ignorant rambling of yours that serves no valuable purpose whatsoever. I’m not interested in your suggestions. I already meditate journal affirmations etc. that was taught to us by our counselor. A counselor you are not.

You do not know me. You do not know my husband. Neither of us are interested or open to your feedback because it is toxic and foolish. So let this serve as an amendment to my previous statement regarding posting on this thread. I will no longer respond to YOU as it is obvious that your intent is to provoke a response out of me and you’re simply not worth it. So go have a nice day. Or don’t. I don’t really care one way or the other. This IS the last time I respond to you in any capacity whatsoever. Goodbye.

 

Hi Happenstance,

Would it be acceptable to go to an AA meeting and start attacking them for their addiction, no it wouldn't. But for some reason you think its ok to come to this forum and start attacking board members here for the issue that that they are trying to deal with.

Maybe you should start a thread in the SO forum about betrayal trauma since that's what you always like to talk about. But that's not the focus of this thread.

Classy, attacking people here who are trying to better their lives.

Its hypocritical to accuse myself of being sexiest when you in the same sentence are using sexist language against men. To be clear, when you disregard a person's opinion because of their gender, that's sexist. Oh, but it's ok when you do it.

Wrong. You frequently use profanity, sexist generalizations, demean others opinions, play victim in all situations and are condescending.

You are correct that all people likely do have some level of internalized bias, but most people try to actively minimize their biases. You however use stereotypes as weapon to insult others, not cool, but its alright when you do it.

Yes, I'm sure that your the only person on earth who knows anything about the topic lol.

Yes you do certainly have a holier than thou attitude. But lets review the facts here. You started attacking myself and many others in this thread after you were triggered because this topic hits way to close to home for you.

As usual, you blame the problems in your life on your husband and everyone without taking any responsibility. I know you like playing the victim, but remember, you are a product of your decisions, not your circumstances.

But just so you know, when you respond to others using profanity, generalizations about others, use all capitals, sexist language, and other overly emotional language, that is what a triggered response looks like.

True, but I wish him the best in this difficult situation. I'm glad that you two are seeking counseling btw. Please go easy on him though as he is also a victim to the scourge on society that is porn. I can assure you that he would have never looked at it once if he and known or been warned of how harmful it is.

Anyway, I hope that you have a very good rest of your day Happenstance

 

I’ve read a few of these pages and I find this very interesting cause I’m in the same boat been married 20 years and sex is very inconsistent and I can tell you from experience date night cooking cleaning doing nice things doesn’t help. Just have to endure.

 

to OP and all others who are having issues with their wives--- you have been addicted to porn too long. twice a month is not enough. the only reason you think it is enough or normal is because you are wasting your sexual energy on porn. you're using porn as a partner instead of your wife/ girlfriend.

women are not that different than men. if you would truly like to make love to your wife, you need to let her know you're in the mood in subtle ways. foreplay isn't just some pre sex stuff on the bed. you should be teasing her and making her feel good all day in various ways. hugs, smiles, doing things together, massages, etc. you can't just go 0 to 100% having sex.

girls get horny just like guys. they often don't initiate in the same way though. you need to lead, and remember you're making love, not imitating porn. porn is not real sex. it's fake and girls don't enjoy that stuff usually. take it slow and use your fingers and mouth. and vibrators. don't rush it. porn only focuses on male orgasm but you cannot think of sex that way.

 

Sure, sometimes that's right, @An0nym0use1234 .

And sometimes there are basic discrepancies in (1) libido, for either hormonal or very deep psychological reasons, and/or (2) levels of attraction between the parties. I know (2) is not nice to think about, but it's simply not the case that every woman is as sexually attracted to her husband as he is to her (or vice versa!).

Many people are in dead bedroom situations even though they are not porn users or porn addicts. Sometimes, the factors underlying *those* situations likewise apply to porn addicts' relationships too! In this forum, we often like to narrow the causal factors down to just PMO addiction issues. While those are important, and probably primary for this community, they aren't exclusive of other factors.

Further, things frequently change over the years. I am not proud to say it now, in light of my rediscovery of my faith and moral ideals, but I was a bit of a playboy in my 20s. Usually, the casual dalliances with enthusiastic girls did not involve all-day hugging, massages, emotional reassurances, taking it slow, subtlety, and so forth. It just...happened, and it happened quickly, and no one ever talked about doing the dishes or hugging more often.

These experiences can, for right or wrong, be just as formative as pornography. I suspect, in fact, that many men like pornography (either as addicts or not as addicts) specifically because it allows them to imagine someone who is overwhelmingly horny for them, rather than someone whose attraction to them needs to be gently encouraged all day. This is sometimes pure fantasy and sometimes something between fantasy and memory.

 

I believe that the OP @Sol79 addressed this to "everyone". Look boys...if you don't want to hear the advice of the collective wisdom of us women trying to tell you why sex isn't forthcoming as often as you would like just ask the boys instead and ignore us. After all it's apparent they are experiencing the exact same things as you are so they must have all of the right answers right? I'm direct and to the point. I make no apologies for it. If you don't like it I don't much care. The fact is you don't want to hear the truth. You want to hear what you want to hear. You want someone to say "it's OK", "It's not your fault", kumbaya, and all that shit. How old are you? 12? Whatever. I tried to help you and all you do is launch these ad hominem attacks and levy accusations insinuations and innuendos questioning my marriage our relationship and what have you based solely on your own conjecture. You don't know anything about me. And since you can't take a hint @HereAgain let me spell it out for you again. I will not be responding to you any further. You've tried multiple times in this thread alone now to reengage me and I have gracefully ignored you. Stop tagging me. Just as I'm going to ignore @Long Range and one other person I don't recall and I'm not going to go find it. If I can ignore you why can't you just ignore me? Because it's the very nature of addiction to gaslight and exhibit narcissistic behaviors when you don't get your way. Whaa! Do you have any idea how ridiculous it is for you to suggest that I stop commenting? Where do you get off trying to censor someone because you don't like what they have to say? I don't know what country you're from, but here in America it's called freedom of speech. If you learned anything in 12 step what's the first line in the serenity prayer? Yeah, that's not gonna change! Enjoy the rest of your day. I will go back to ignoring you along with some of your fellow addicts who obviously are more interested in controlling the narrative than they are their own recoveries.

 

this is a side note but if you click a users profile, this website has an Ignore button. it essentially hides all their posts from your view. very helpful for avoiding arguments/negativity.

Hey man, trust me I get it. I have similar experiences as you. I resonate with your last point about how some men view and become addicted to porn because it shows women that are overwhelmingly horny for their partners. we watch it and wish our girlfriend/wife acted like that. overwhelmingly horny that you can turn on like a switch.

we also don't have to put any work into getting our partner off, we can pull up the video whenever, ignore everything but ourselves. don't have to make eye contact, don't have to do foreplay, don't got to worry about accidentally saying the wrong thing that kills the mood.

so yeah I get it. but I also realize the more I engage with porn, the more I'm ruining any potential for a healthy sex life with my actual girlfriend.

 

Hi Happenstance,

Nope, that's not the issue, there's nothing wrong with having a civilized discussion even when some people disagree. The problem is when you start attacking people here, using profanity and calling people derogatory names.

No, you should seek first to understand, and then to be understood.

So you're now insulting me by calling me an addict and your tagging me in your post. If you are going to ignore someone, you should probably stop talking about them and tagging them in your posts. Would it be acceptable to go to an AA meeting and insult them for their issues relating to alcohol, no it wouldn't because that's why they are there.

Yes, that's correct Happenstance. But you should know that it goes both ways. Just because you have alot of free time, you can't expect to start attacking people online while your husband is at work and think that no one is going respond.

Have a great rest of your day Happenstance

 

100% agree

 

I don't know, with all due respect to all the parts, there's so much more than addictions, gentle behaviour towards the wife/girlfriend and providing for her. Even if all the factors check, there's a chance that she just doesn't want sex all the time. Because she doesn't need it, because her body and brain do not ask for it, because there's more than sex to a healthy relationship, because she doesn't see sex as the culmination of the relationship or maybe because any other thing. People are different, people have different needs and desires.

And it doesn't mean the husband/boyfriend is doing anything wrong.

 

42 days NoFap, 40 days no smart phone lads, blue skies right now

 

My post that you responded to was deleted for some reason, I'm not actually sure of what you can and can't say but I will be responding to each of your points because I believe your comments are not helping men whose threads you comment on, in-fact I believer they are harmful.

 

No they don't have all the right answers..but they also don't use profanity, comment on women's threads in a disrespectful way and make subtle remarks about them having addictions

Is that what you think men with this addiction want to hear? I dont, I dont think there is a single man on this sight with this addiction that wants to hear that....have you ever asked any men on here if they want to hear that ? Is this the "Truth" that you were saying we don't want to hear ?

Massive can of worms this one.

...overall I find your comments quite negative ...what do you think about my 45 day streak or that my wife is happy with me as a husband, providing, caring and protecting her and the children ..can you find something positive to say about it?

 

You need to stop using sex and orgasm as an escape / release of tension-anxiety/ emotional crutch.
7 days are nothing.
It will take you years.
You have to regain your masculine edge and she will be the one begging for sex.
Also try replacing sex with intimacy. Women crave intimacy because it is their emotional crutch.
Your problem is very common. It is common because men have lost touch with their masculinity and are heavily relying on orgasm to regulate their emotional turbulence.