Shame Cycle(s)

You're going to have to peal back the scar tissue covering the childhood wounds like pealing back the layers of an onion to get to the root wounds. You're going to have to find them, clean them, and restore a new neural path connection that is not toxic, far less dysfunctional, and takes you on a long path and journey to recovery.

All of this has so deeply affected your self worth. So it would be good for you to seek resources to help you with that. There are some good books out there for that.

Shame is that ball and chain that holds you hostage to it. Remember that shame is all on you. Nobody else. As we were taught, "no one can make you feel inferior unless you let them". Think about that. You are not a bad person. You're a person who's done some bad things. See the difference? We were taught that too.

Whatever you have done, it's done. It's in the past. You're going to have to reconcile it, forgive yourself for it, and move forward. Otherwise, you'll remain stuck there, and I don't think that is where you want to be.

Anyway I hope this helps you. Good luck.

 

That’s very good self-awareness, and very well described. Seeing how shame drives you to act out sexually, and then causes more shame (and even an addiction to doing more and more shameful things) is a key component of recognizing the addiction.
In SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) they call this a “shame spiral”.
Perhaps consider looking into that program and/or reading their basic text - the “green book”.

 

As far as SAA is concerned, think about it this way. If/when you do tell your story, it's your story to tell. All 12 step programs have a no crosstalk/no feedback policy. So you can talk without interruption or feedback. What makes it easier to talk about these things there is that the very people you talk to about it are experiencing the exact same things that you are. Additionally, you don't know them, nor they you. Sure there are differences in the details, but it's still the same nonetheless. And when you do tell your story, there is something interesting that happens. That is, it no longer has as much power over you as it did once before. I don't know how to explain it but it gets easier to tell your story after that.

 

Everyone is afraid when they go to their first meeting.
And desperate. So desperate that the need for getting help pushes them past the fear.
Most laugh when they look back, realizing that what they found there was a safe space.

 

Most psychologists will tell you shame is unhealthy and non-productive, so one of the first steps might be to explore how to tackle shame e.g. shift your perspective from 'I'm a bad person' to 'I'm someone who has done things I'm not proud or or would rather not have done, but I'm not a bad person' We all have reasons why we do what we do, and our childhood experiences and life circumstances (things outside our individual control) impact who we are. Yes, we have choices, but try to avoid beating yourself up if you can, employ some self-compassion, and try to focus on actions you can do to rectify your situation, rather than ruminating on what makes you a terrible person, which will probably leave you stuck in a hole. I know this is all easier said than done, and I have suffered from shame and toxic guilt before so I know how hard it can be to stop judging one's self harshly. What I started to appreciate is that we all make mistakes in life, and a lot of us have to live with things we're not proud of or wish we hadn't done, but that doesn't make us morally terrible people (it doesn't sound like you have caused any harm to anyone else, which is more than I can say for myself - I harmed my wife through my use of pornography and escorts, which is something I have felt deeply ashamed and upset about for a long time)