Memoires of 24-year-old that survived a suicide attempt

Hey, I have experience with a lot of breathing exercises for over the last months. I have also read multiple books about different kinds of breathwork.

I definitely recommend the Wim Hof Method, and other forms of Alkaline breathing. Here are a couple of links. Please consider giving it a chance.

Wim Hof:
The one I do when I wake up:

With the WHM I started feeling it since two sessions. The effect is hard to tell in words. Just try it.

 

An update as promised

Reading this thread back made me realize how far I have come. I am doing great in most aspects of my life. For example, I cancelled almost all of my subscriptions except the gym, and I stopped my student loan. I started investing some money into crypto, stocks, and precious metal, and I am slowly but steady learning more about investing every day. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.

A few months ago, I got a lower back injury which radiates into my right leg. So my goal to run a marathon was destroyed at that moment. I still can’t run without severe pain, so I will get that fixed in the near future. I will run a marathon before May ’22 to make sure I won’t fall into the habit of quitting. However, like a famous Dutch Football player once said: “every advantage has its disadvantage”. Since, I don’t run that often anymore, I can focus more of my time and energy on my weightlifting training, and the results are spectacular. I gained a shit ton of muscle in just 3 months, and I am stronger in the compounds than ever before. I recently hit 6 x 120 with the squat, which is better than before I started training for a marathon. Nevertheless, my body looks more buff than I could ever dream of.

My diet is on point too. I started eating more vegetables and fruits due to a fever I had two months ago. I also started eating different kinds of protein, like fish and cow meat, instead of just chicken breasts. And I try to minimize drinking alcohol, the extent to which that’s possible in a fraternity community. I also started talking some supplements every day without skipping days, and I think it helped me really well. I take: vitamin D3, Creatine, Zinc, Magnesium, Iron, and Fish oil. I feel it makes me stronger, gets my testosterone up, and helps my immune system getting stronger.

Not only that, due to lifting weights 7 days a week, meditating daily, doing breath work daily, and easier schoolwork this semester, my stress levels are lower than ever before. Not only can I feel that, I can see it in my face. My beard is fuller and has fewer holes in it. My face, is still a little chubby due to genetics, but looks more manly than it did 3 months ago. I can see it in the mirror, by I also get a lot of complements recently by my family and friends about my face and body. Which obviously has boosted my confidence.

Those things all sound amazing, and I feel like I have before more of a man in the last 3 months. However, there are a few aspects of my life I want to improve in the near future. I listed to a podcast last week, and some guy I follow for a while gave great advice for young guys. Because it was so obvious and simple, but very powerful, I wanted to follow it: Get a job, get a girl, lift heavy weight, and make fun”. So that’s what I will focus on this month, and I won’t stop until I am where I want to be. I will keep y’all updated!

Since I have been talking about God and Christianity a lot in this thread, I feel like I should tell where I am standing at right now. I enjoy listening to Christian music a lot these days. I listen to American music like Blake Shelton and Zac Brown, but also so ancient Orthodox Chants and Catholic music on YouTube. Nevertheless, I feel like I should pray, and read the Holy Book more often. So I will make time for that daily from now on.

With all the stories about how amazing my life is right now, I feel like I should tell you guys I am not doing so will on the NoFap Journey. NoFap has given me a lot of benefits, but not the ones I want right now. Trust me, it has given me confidence, self-discipline, more focus, more stability in my mood, and made me a better person, but I keep falling to the Femdom trap by watching content on porn sites and Twitter, or signing up for BDSM dating websites. I also discovered that vanilla porn doesn’t make me hard anymore, so I decided to take drastic but also controversial measures. I am going to try to rewire my brain by watching vanilla porn, and rejecting all kinds of femdom porn, and femdom fantasies. When I reach the point of getting normal erections by vanilla sex again, I will switch to MO to vanilla fantasies, and eventually switch to no PMO again. I know this is controversial, and an act against God, but I have tried to PMO to cure my femdom addiction for two years now with zero results. I really want this to stop, so it may look kind of desperate, and it is, but I can’t live with myself if I continue liking being a ‘slave’. To the outside I am a masculine, muscled, bearded, outspoken alpha male, but in secret I fap to beta’s kneeling before women. This can’t continue. If you want to read more about this, visit @Kligor ‘s thread: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/my-way-to-overcome-pre-porn-induced-fetish.322399/


To sum up:

- Get a job
- Get a girl
- Read the Bible and pray daily
- Rewire brain to banish femdom from my life

 

Done with the student life

A few hours ago, I went from my parent's house to my student dorm. Usually, I go on Monday morning, but today I felt a strong hesitation to go, so I decided to go in the evening. For over the last weeks, I don’t feel happy and fulfilled when I am there. Once, it was the place where the introverted, shy, and insecure guy that I used to be transformed into the person I am today. And for that I am grateful. However, I feel a strong aversion to the (party)life a lot of my friends and roommates live. That’s one of the reasons I go back to my parents place every weekend. They live in the countryside in a small town. In the weekend I typically go to work, go to the local gym, go for a run in the forest, read a book, and have a beer with some good old friends at the bar. That simple life is what I am longing for.

Just a few minutes ago, I arrived in my dorm, and when I entered the building, I found out there were a lot of people like usual. Almost every Monday there is a party going on over here, and most likely more during the week. Don’t get me wrong, I love parties, when I plan one, but not when you have to go to college early in the morning. So, I know I won’t go to sleep until 4 am, because of the noise. And it really frustrates me, because this morning I planned some things for tomorrow to improve my life: I wanted to go to the gym in the morning, for example. I feel like the frat life holds me back from reaching my ultimate potential, or at least my best life. I am not content with the hedonistic lifestyle anymore, and either I have to change my environment or I have to change myself towards my environment. For tonight, I decided to put a noise canceling headphone on with some ‘ancient library ambiance’ sounds on, and to go writing, reading, thinking, and chilling.

I am sorry for abusing this thread in the ‘Success story’ category by my writing about my daily struggles. But, it feels really good when I do it.

 

While reading a book, I thought a little about the post above, and I started thinking about moving out. However, moving out of a fraternity house is quite a drastic movement; some of these people are very close friends. I can’t move into a proper apartment because I am still a student. And I can’t move back home because it’s 200 km from college. So it made me realize: Isn’t the solution for the problem I described here above, getting a job and finding a girlfriend? By getting a job, I probably feel more fulfilled in life, and I’ll have more money. If I have a girlfriend in my life, I feel more fulfilled, and we can split the costs of an apartment. Maybe the answer to my difficulties in indeed very simple.

 

Progress so far

It has been 10 days ago, I started with a new technique to get rid of my addiction. I am writing this because I think it is working, and I found some interesting effects that I had to share. In the last 10 days, I had an orgasm 3 times, once by vanilla porn, once by vanilla fantasy, and unfortunately once by watching femdom foot fetish porn. The first two happened on Sunday evening, and the other one on Monday morning. I have analyzed these 3 moments, and I came to some fascinating conclusions.

I had an amazing party last Saturday night, so I had a little hangover on Sunday. From breakfast till dinner, my mind tried to constantly trick me to PMO on Femdom content. At 5 PM, my discipline broke, and I started watching vanilla porn. I noticed that I got hard very soon, but not as hard as I usually get when I watch Femdom. Also, the ‘vanilla’ orgasm did not feel as good as a ‘femdom’ orgasm does, so I felt a little sad about that. Fortunately, it gives me a lot of motivation to go on with this new method, because I want to have a healthy sex life with a girl one day.

After dinner, I got a hot bath and watched some Netflix. After being in for 40 minutes, I started playing with my dick a little, and got excited while fantasying about having sex with my ex-girlfriend, with the intention not to cum. At a certain point, my inner beast took over, and I came. Strangely, I did not feel bad about it and the orgasm felt great. I think this is because my brain knows the connection between having sexual intercourse with my ex-girlfriend and pleasure.

I woke up Monday morning and felt quite useless. My country went into a full lockdown, like in the beginning of Covid. Which means that all my daily activities, like going to the gym or to university, are off for a month. Also, my dopamine levels were very low because of the two orgasms I had the day before. With nothing to do, I did some breathing exercises, had breakfast, and took a shower. After that, I felt so useless that I got into bed again. After a while, the devil whispered in my ear that the bad feeling would go away once I PMO to some Femdom content, so I did, unfortunately. The orgasm was great, but I felt bad afterwards.

I have abstained from PMO ever since, but some interesting things happened I would like to share. Firstly, the actress in the Foot fetish video I watched keeps haunting my mind. Which I think is a good thing, because somehow, my subconscious mind recognizes with as evil, and my conscious mind rejects it instantly. But she keeps returning to my mind and I caught myself fantasying about her, but I did not get hard. Not only that, today I got hard by fantasying having sex with a girl I met on Tinder a while ago. It doesn’t sound like much, but I feel like something is finally changing in my brain, but I still have a long path to take.

There are also a few things I have learned in the last 10 days. The first thing I realized is that PMO makes me feel sad and depressed, so I have to minimize that times I will watch vanilla porn. Secondly, the content you watch while PMO will affect your fantasies. The only femdom related fantasy I had was of this one actress. So abstaining from Femdom alone is not enough to get rid of it, but it definitely has a crucial role. I will keep you guys updated!

 

Get a job, find a nice girlfriend, lift heavy weights and make fun!

In December 2021 I got some great advice from my mentor: ‘Get a job, find a nice girlfriend, lift heavy weights and make fun’. It got to me, and I decided to achieve this. Not only that, I wanted to incorporate religion more into my life, and I wanted to ban femdom from my life. On this day, I finally achieved all these goals.

I’ll start working a paid internship at a large company as an online-marketeer. Although this sounds great, I do need to start an online business in my spare time to achieve the things I want in life. I will work on that matter during the summer break.

A month ago, I met a lovely young lady. We have been on multiple dates, slept together, and I am finally in love again, after a very long time. She was the one thing that I needed to grown into a providing, confident, and responsible man. Napoleon Hill noted that "the men who have achieved great fortunes and achieved outstanding recognition in literature, art, industry, architecture, and the other professions, were motivated by the influence of a woman." I can tell you this is true, she gives me so much energy and confidence, which I lacked before.

On the topic of lifting weights; I am getting better every day. I enjoy working out every day, and I can humbly say my body looks amazing. I will continue working on my body and mind, but I also have to incorporate some form of cardio to improve my endurance and health.

Regarding to having fun, I am enjoying life more and more. Especially now that I am dating, I go to a lot of fun places with her. I used to live a lot by the warrior and king archetype, but since I am with her, I can live by the lover as well.

Relating to religion, I used to be obsessed with Christianity for a while. I prayed every morning for an hour, and read the bible daily. However, I went a little too far; one could say I was a fantastic in my beliefs. Luckily, I am more at peace with myself these days, and I am a bit more civilized.

In the matter of Femdom, after I met this girl, I have not been tempted to participate in any femdom-related activities, not even with her. We have not had sex yet, and strangely I am fully okay with that. I know the devil will try to tempt my in the future, but every act of perversion feels like a betrayal to her beauty.

New goals:

- Start a business during the summer with the goal to make some money

- Build a strong relationship with her

- Work on my health and continue lifting

- Have more fun in life <3

 

I broke up with my girlfriend and (PI)ED

‘If old memories still upset you, write them down carefully and completely’

A few months ago, I met her at a party in my home town. I knew her from high school and I always thought she was pretty, but I have not seen her in a few years. I knew one of her friends so I we started talking. That night we kissed, and I walked her to her dad’s car when she had to leave. I never had the intention to fuck her that night. Everything just felt right, so I decided to treat this girl carefully. My mood and confidence instantly doubled that night, and for a while I felt like I was on the top of the world. The day after, I texted her and during the week we remained talking. On Friday I went on a date with her and we ended up sleeping together.

We only saw each other once a week, because I live and study in a faraway city. But during the week I felt amazing; I was social, friendly, confident, and enjoying life more. Also, she helped me level up in life. Because of her, I felt the need to succeed in my career even more. When we did not text or when I did not see her, I felt like shit. That was the moment I knew I was in love. Unfortunately, our relationship did not last.

She went away to a festival for 4 days, and the night before I stayed over at her place. Somehow, I could not get my dick up. And although I did not think she noticed, that fucking destroyed my confidence. I did some research and I will elaborate the ED problem in the next post. In the morning when I kissed her goodbye, I already felt she was gone. We did not text for a few days, and when she returned she ignored my texts. The day after that she told me ‘she did not have time for a relationship right now’. That shit broke me.

During that week, I went to the gym daily and ate healthy, but I felt like shit. So I returned to day-drinking, smoking, and self-isolating. Yesterday evening I got back my senses while I was in a bar. I still miss her and I think about her all the time. But I do not feel that shit anymore. In less than a month there is a 3-day party where she will be present. During that event I will try to win her back.

A King in the club, but a sucker in love.

 

To be honest, I think I am depressed again, and I am going to write it all out before something bad happens. Since my girl left me, I have been feeling shit all the time. When I wake up in the morning I think about her and in the night I can’t sleep because she is on my mind. My intention was to let this summer break be the best ever, but I spend my days inside thinking about ways to get her back. And when I get out of the house, I spend my time in a local bar drinking and smoking. Don’t get me wrong, I partied a lot in my high school and college years, but for the first time in my life I am abusing alcohol. I have been drinking quite a lot of alcohol last month to forget about her. Yesterday I was at a birthday with my family and I drank so much I can’t even remember how I got home. I am fucked up in the head. All I think about is a party in the end of the month in her hometown. From Friday to Sunday there will be festivities and I have decided to dedicate that weekend to win her back. I deleted her from my life when she left me. I deleted her number snap, insta, everything. But when I post something in my story, I always check if she saw it; I get high on that shit. She is probably dating other men while I write it. I don’t think I am suicidal again, but I have got some dark thoughts like: ‘If I died right now, it would not matter much’. I need to man up. If I want her back in my life, I need to become the high value person I was the day I met her. Right now, I am an absolute loser. I need fucking help.

 

Nothing is more dangerous than a man who healed his wounds on his own. That man had more conversations with his mind than he has ever had with a human.

Today I reached out to people for help and I got some great advice from people I trust. I need to get my life back in order and the best thing is, I know how to do it because I did it before. I overcame a depression, suicidal thoughts, drug addiction, porn addiction, mental issues, and anxiety. So this heartbreak should be a piece of cake, right? But what do I have to do to get through this?

Remember the days you prayed for the things you have now.

I have been though hell, and fought my way back into the light again. There once was a time where I simply did not had to confidence to go to the supermarket. I prayed to God and asked for more confidence; half a year later I am confident in almost every social situation. As someone who is in recovery of years of watching femdom content, I almost became a girl’s slave. I summoned up the confidence to meet her. Luckily, after we met, I got a bad feeling about it, so I rejected her offer and got out of it. I see that bad feeling as a sign from God to return to the light once again. I started visualizing and praying my ideal girlfriend in my head: small, blonde, light eyes, funny, successful, a little bit spoiled, a princess architype. A month later, I met her and the things I felt for her were much stronger than my anxiety to date. I thought that she completed me, but looking back, it was me that became the man I always wanted to be. I used to have anxiety for every fucking thing in the world. Now, I confidently go eating somewhere on my own without any problems, talk to girls whenever I want, and even go to a bar alone.

Everything happens for a reason.

She was the mistake I had to make to move on in life. The experience of dating her was a valuable lesson. You see, I did not date girls for a while because of my mental issues. Now I can finally start a new adventure with a girl. Regarding winning her back at this party, I can say the following. I will act spontaneously, confident, and nice to her when I see her. I won’t chase after her, but I will not reject her. If I meet another girl, I will definitely try to seduce her. It is not healthy to be so obsessed over one girl and definitely not a woman like her.

For a while now, I try to life according to the four male architypes of Jung: the king, the warrior, the magician and the lover. So to put this in perspective, as a king I take initiative and try to be a good leader. As the warrior I lift, run and protect those I love. As the magician I try to be a little bit more spiritual. And as the lover, I try to enjoy life more. All these four architypes have two shadow sides. For example, a king can be a little fat prince or a tyrant. As a lover, I am definitely moving towards the addict side. Therefor, I need to quit drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes once again. I drink because I feel like shit, I drink because when I do, I forget about her for a while. That shit has to stop.

During the day, I feel like shit so I have to start meditating and doing breathwork again. It has helped me in so many ways before and I am sure it will help me get through this too. When I am alone, I keep thinking about her and about the ways to get her back. That why I have to get out as many as possible and start living life again. Also, I need to level up in overall fitness. Due to the smoking, alcohol and self-isolation, my health has gone worse; a few days ago I went for a run on the hills and my heartrate was 200+.


To sum up:

- Meditate before bed and when I wake up.

- 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing every day.

- Do some form of cardio everyday next to lifting.

- Spending the day in sunlight as much as possible.

- Quit smoking cigs and drinking.

- Upgrade my social life.


Fuck the alcohol, fuck the drugs, fuck the cigarettes, fuck that dumb b*tch, this is the year of the soldier.

 

Not that it is absolutely necessary to give an update after just a few days, but I felt like writing a little bit; it always clears my mind. In my experience, reading and writing on a daily basis is quite favorable for my mental wellbeing. Let’s start with my most important quest: stop drinking and smoking for a while. I have not drunk any form of alcohol since Monday and have not touched a cigarette since Saturday. Even though I have been to my favorite pub and to a Football match this week, where I usually consume quite a lot of alcohol and Tabaco. With the weekend just around the corner, I have to stay strong and dedicated. Secondly, the cardio. I went for a 10K run and a 8,5K run through the hills this week. My heartrate was still a hit high (+-180bpm), but I have to keep in mind is 35 Celsius over here. Unfortunately, my lower back is not responding well to it, so I have to figure that out too. On the topic of meditation and breathwork I can say the following: I have not even started yet. I am not sure why; maybe I am resilient to being alone with myself or to the uncomfortableness. I will start tomorrow, that’s a promise. Relating to getting enough sunlight I can say that I have done that and will continue to do so. I feel way better than before when I stayed inside. In the matter of upgrading my social life there is still some work to do. I did went to my favorite bar once and to a Football match this week, but I cannot say that is an upgrade, because I have been doing that for quite a while.

Now the most difficult part; the break-up. At least I can say I feel way better than I did last week, but she is still on my mind when I wake up and when I go to bed. However, the ‘fake’ image of her being the perfect little princess I had in my mind is slowly but steady fading. Finally I can see her for what she is: disloyal, smug and coldhearted skank. A part of me still loves her, and will probably continue to do so for a while, but my respect for her is gone. I am trying to let her go in my heart, but I am having a hard time doing so. I am thinking about writing a letter to her and tell her about my feelings. Of course I will not send it to her. I have heard it helps in the process of letting someone go. Sometimes I just wish she would text me and tell me she is sorry, but I know that is not going to happen. I got a great haircut today, got a tan because of the weather, and had good lifts this week, so maybe I meet another nice girl this weekend. I tried tinder, but that is just not for me; I am not that good-looking and I think it shallow and boring. A few posts before this I talked about being sober from alcohol and the increase in confidence, especially with girls. So, I will make sure I keep sober for a while and end this summer break on a good note with myself.

 

Stop drinking alcohol is the best self-help advice you will ever get

I believe this is the 3th time I quitted drinking alcohol for a while in my lifetime. First, I have to elaborate my background a little bit more to understand the message. I come from the countryside where it is ‘normal’ to start drinking alcohol at the age of 14. Also, it is like a cool thing over here to drink like there is no morning every single weekend. Not only that, I got into college at the age of 21, and guess what; alcohol. So long story short, alcohol has played a big part in the last 10 years of my life. And because I have been drinking that much for so long, the effect of quitting alcohol for a while has been tremendous for me.

First of all, my testosterone levels increase after just a few weeks without alcohol. I do not have the results of a blood test to prove it, but I can feel it in my body; my risk appetite has doubled, my erections are stronger, and I feel a stronger sexual connection towards the other gender. Not only that, my confidence has increased as well. I used to be socially-awkward and shy towards girls. I used to blame it on my height-insecurity or ‘social anxiety’. But ever since I quit alcohol, I feel no real anxiety anymore when talking to girls or anyone in particular. Besides being confident, I also experience a newfound bag of energy in my body, especially during social situations. Because of the increase in energy, I can easily have good conversation with people, without faking it. This will come in handy with fixing girls.

I used to think alcohol would aid me in social situations, but this was a mistake. Yesterday, I was on a terrace with a couple of friends and all of them consumed quite a lot of alcohol. I on the other hand only drank sparkling water and diet soda. Nevertheless, I sat there for more then six hours and I was not bored or felt the need to be alone. Do not get me wrong, I love partying but even without alcohol I had a great time. I am not advocating you should stop drinking forever, but try to live without alcohol for a month and see your life change in a positive direction.

 

A letter to her

Hey Butterfly,

How are you? I just wanted to check up on you and to talk to you. I cannot text you because I deleted your number, therefore I am writing this letter to express my feelings. I know you will never read this, because obviously I won’t send it to you. Meeting you was the greatest thing that happened this year, but you leaving me brought me back into the darkness I came from. I am not doing okay, I fucking miss you and I think about you every morning when I wake up and when I go to bed.

I spend my days contemplating ways to get you back. Well, not really, I am imagining ways to make you give a fuck about me. Because that is all I want, you just giving a fuck. And I know we will never be together again; I never met a woman so cold-hearted as you. The way you pushed me aside was the coldest thing someone has ever done to me. On our second date you told me about your greatest weakness being emotionally unattached, and I now finally understand what that means. The worst thing is, is that a part of me still loves you, even your heartless side. Last month, every time I got a notification on my phone I hoped it was from you. I don’t want you to say you are sorry, and I don’t want you to say you love me, I just want you to say something to me.

You see, I am hurt, troubled, I don’t let people in, and when I met you I put my walls down. But now I understand putting my walls down was the biggest fucking mistake ever. For the first time in a very long time, I opened my heart for someone, and then you shattered it like a glass on a wall. It made me realize that I am not the monster I think I am. I am still the loving, caring, romantic boy I was years ago. All the shit that happened to me in life did not make my heart stronger or harder, it just made the barriers around me stronger. It is time to put my walls back up again.

Before I met you, I was slowly building myself up again; it felt like God’s plan for me was finally working. And when I met you it felt like walking in the sunlight every day. Now you are gone, demons are coming back from the past. I am having suicidal thoughts again, I feel depressed, I am moody to the people I love, I isolate myself in my room, and I am scared for the future. When we were together, I saw a future, now everything seems lost; I just want someone to give a fuck about me.

In a few days, I probably see you again and I have no idea how I will react. I have been thinking about that moment lately, will I act nice and confident, cocky and distant, or emotional and angry? My intention is to act confident and nice to you, but why would I do that after what you did to me? Letting you go is harder than I imagined, but I think I am on the right track. Time heals all wounds, however I think I will love you forever, I just lost all my respect for you. I know I cared more than you, that is just who I am or who I was. It made me realize, that you dated a sweet boy that cares to much about people. You leaving me and breaking my heart was all part of God’s plan. He knows that the woman I will spend the rest of my life with does not want a boy.

For the man to be born, the boy must die. You killed the boy that day, thank you.

 

Depression, drugs, suicidal thoughts and getting over her

I am not doing well. Like I said in earlier posts, this weekend would be the first time I saw my ex since she dumped me. My intention was to act nice and confident, so we could act like adults and act normally. But the results are that I fucking hate her now. On Friday I saw her walking away with ‘the guy she told me not to worry about’. That shit broke my already broken heart and ever since I felt like shit. Even though I felt terrible the festival was great and I had a great time. On Sunday around 15:00 PM I saw her talking to a woman on the street, so I decided to say hi to her. Even though I was mad at her, I walked up to her with confidence and with the intention of being nice to her. However, it was the most awkward conversation ever; she treated me like I was a stranger. After just a few minutes I said goodbye and walked away from her. But that experience broke me even more. During the entire day I felt like shit; even the alcohol couldn’t make me feel happy. I already was suicidal again, but during this weekend it got worse. But that is all on the inside, because from the outside I was having a great time. But I wanted to make the bad feeling inside of me to stop; on Sunday I smoked two whole packs of sigs, drank for over 100 euros of alcohol, and used cocaine again. I partied like an animal and I think it was one of the best parties I have been to this year. I dancing, drinking and laughing with people I like. I also got the opportunity to make out with this beautiful girl, but she dated my nephew a few months ago and he means the world to me. It was one maybe one of the best nights so far, I know I did it because I felt like shit and that makes it even worse. I am depressed, suicidal, heartbroken, addicted to drugs, cigarettes and alcohol and I have no idea what to do anymore. Journaling really helps to cope with the pain and I also talked about my mental state to some people on Whatsapp, but it does not really help. I have neglected my religion for way too long now; it is time to pick up the bible and carry my cross again.