How to enjoy sex in 1,406 easy steps: a guide for the porn addict

Step 1 - Discover sex.
Because it’s not easy to enjoy sex if you don’t even know what it is, your first step is to find out.

As a kid, you’ll notice how adults try real hard to keep you in the dark. To preserve your innocence. They will divert your questions and switch channels in the blink of an eye at the sight of half a boob, sending you to your room when the clock hits eleven and things on TV start to get exciting. Discovering sex under these circumstances will take some planning.

First, get your hands on an unattended VHS tape. Second, wait for your parents to fall asleep. Third, get up and sneak into the living room bringing the tape with you. Fourth, start the recorder on a local channel known among kids and adults for its late-night programming. Fifth, go back to bed without getting caught. Sixth, get up early in the morning and remove the tape before someone finds it.

Execute the plan and, next time you are alone at home, collect the rewards. That hardcore scene framed by personal ads and adult toy infomercials will introduce you to sex. The designer vagina in it will reveal what Victoria’s secret was all along: a meaty weird mussel-like entryway into a bottomless hole. And the actor’s intimidating penis (already too big for an adult’s standard but absolutely ginormous when compared to that of a 12-years-old) will have you seriously questioning whether you two even belong to the same species.

If first impressions are good at leaving a mark, then following this step is the perfect way to begin your soul-crushing yet mesmerizing relationship with porn.

We’re off to a good start.

Steps 2–42: Rediscover sex.
Thanks to high-speed Internet, your average Joe has easy access to an infinite amount of free content — and so do little Joey and sweet Joanna.

Internet porn opens the door to a fascinating world of hedonism, fulfilled fantasies, fetishes, and disinhibition. Enter and find the answer to every question you ever had about sex (and many more you never even conceived). Figure out what it all looks like, how things are done, what you are into and what you’re not (at least not yet). Let porn be your teacher and, one video at a time, hold your hand as you learn, have fun, and experiment.

Complete these steps and sex will hold no more secrets for you.

Steps 43–543: Re-re-re…discover sex.
Continue watching porn until that stream of videos becomes the solution to much more than just your ignorance about sex.

Find in it the perfect coping mechanism. Your response to questions of loneliness, stress, and boredom. Video after video after video, allow porn to become a habit. Your favorite way to evade. A place of safety and comfort.

By the time you finish these steps, you’ll have a full-blown addiction to porn.

Steps 544–1314: Avoid sex.
Exercise your porn addiction. Make sure that your binges deplete your energy until you have none left to pursue healthier ways to explore your sexuality.

During these steps, growing intimate with porn is as important as staying away from actual intimacy. Only by keeping your distance from the opposite sex will you be able to truly assimilate the many wrong lessons that years of pornography have to teach you.

Stepmom (bonus step).
Watch so many stepmom videos that you start wishing for your dad to divorce your mom and find true love in a pair of huge silicone boobs.

Step 1315: Fail at sex.
At this point you are finally ready to face the real thing. Or rather, you are not ready at all and that’s precisely the point, because your goal in this step is to fail miserably at having sex.

Only if you have successfully completed all the previous steps will you be able to ace this one. All those years cultivating a crippling porn addiction and confining your socially anxious self were not for nothing.

Break out of your shell enough to get a chance at sex and watch it all pay off. The panicking thoughts rushing through your head, your limp and unresponsive penis looking back at you not knowing what to do, a veiled hint of disappointment painted on your partner’s face, and a much more obvious one invading your own.

Savor it all, for this is the fruit of years of hard labor.

Steps 1316–1336: Keep failing at sex.
Erectile dysfunction is a gift that keeps on giving. Every frustrated attempt at having sex hits a mental wall of previous failures and adds one more brick to it. After a while, that wall stands seemingly unsurmountable.

Go ahead and dive into this negative spiral. Feel the weight of virginity on your shoulders as you fail to shrug it off time and time again. Watch your sexual partners drop one by one as they see through your lies into an issue that’s many things but temporary.

Realize that real sex is much harder than you ever imagined it to be. That, perhaps, it’s just not meant for you. When the weight of these thoughts bears too heavy on you, seek refuge in porn — performing well there is always easy.

Steps 1337–1390: Hate sex.
Get a girlfriend and be forced to face your problems with sex on a regular basis. Turn them into the cornerstone of an unsatisfactory and conflict-ridden relationship.

Let your continuing struggles with erectile dysfunction be ammunition for her insecurities and a reason for you to avoid sex. When your avoidance makes her feel rejected, give in to sex, but only begrudgingly and without passion, thus perpetuating the bad associations around it.

Enough repetitions of this dynamic will make you realize just how much you hate sex.

Step 1391: Stop watching sex.
Quit porn.

Quit porn for real.

If you were to follow only one step out of this guide let it be this one. Pull out all the stops. Find out what core issues keep bringing you back to porn, then address them. Identify your triggers and avoid substitutes. Learn healthier ways to cope. Exercise. Meditate. Do the work.

Then persevere, until you start to feel the grip of porn loosening on you.

Step 1392: Distance from sex.
Strike a deal with your partner: from now on, you are conceded absolute initiative. You and only you can initiate sex in this relationship. Your girlfriend, it goes without saying, doesn’t always have to comply — what’s important is that she’s not the one to ever take the lead.

This rule is a drastic approach to getting rid of the pressure and expectations that confront you with sex. Relieved of this pressure, every sexual encounter will come only when you are feeling ready and willing, thus turning sex into an opportunity to enjoy together and make progress (as opposed to a chore).

Bear in mind though that your partner needs to be one hundred percent committed and aware of what she’s signing up for: a temporary surrender of her sex drive to yours. Desperate times call for desperate measures, but you don’t want the cure to be worse than the disease. Be mindful of the hefty load that she’s carrying for the relationship, and pay her back in every way you know how. If you don’t (and, perhaps, even if you do) the damage caused to both her and the relationship could be too deep to heal.

You’ve been warned.

Steps 1393–1405: Relearn sex.
Putting some distance between you and sex gives you an opportunity to start over, at your own pace. A chance to leave behind the baggage accumulated through the previous steps and gradually redefine what sex means to you.

Find the fun in sex again. Slow things down. Relish foreplay. Understand that there is no script in sex: it’s up to you and your partner what to do and what not, how to do it, and when to stop. Coming doesn’t have to be the ultimate goal nor is penetration always necessary. Follow your instinct and express your wants. Listen to your partner’s body as much as your own. Experiment.

And, for fuck’s sake, relax — you’re in this for a good time.

Work on this as if your relationship, sex life, and personal satisfaction were all dependent on it.

Step 1406 (final step): Enjoy sex.
It’s a gloomy and rainy Saturday outside, so my girlfriend and I can stay in bed all evening without the guilt of feeling lazy or the fear of missing out. Nothing is expected from us today. Her roommates being gone for the weekend means we have both time and space, all at our disposal.

She has moved to this apartment recently, and it’s only my second time staying here overnight. The mattress is spacious, a bit worn-out, but a look out the window is enough to bring me back to comfort. What’s more important, it feels fresh: this bed, as opposed to mine, has not yet witnessed any of the many battles of frustration behind me. I feel like we’re laying on an empty canvas.

A few minutes of casual chitchat naturally pave the way for some cuddles, but we are not in a hurry to escalate into anything sexual and instead she offers me a massage. Laying there on my front with my eyes closed, I can almost feel my anxiety and self-doubt physically escaping my body. When her hands draw near my groin, my penis comes to life, rising from half-staff to full mast, all without me giving it the slightest thought.

What follows is the culmination of a life of struggle. A deep, deep sigh of relief. Broken away from my mental barriers, suddenly sex feels amazing. Everything flows naturally. There’s no need to plan, no doubts, and no self-imposed demands. For the first time, I’m able to focus on the sensations, and I realize how much I had been missing while tied up in my head.

Years after our first encounter, sex reemerges as a feast for the senses, a relaxing place, and, at last, an experience to enjoy.

-----------------------------------

That sex is a wonderful thing is something most of us can agree on.

Yet as captivated (when not obsessed) as we are by it, for many sex is a source of problems more than it is a fountain of pleasures. Over a third of Americans in a relationship are reportedly not satisfied with their sex life — a statistic that doesn’t even include single people, whose satisfaction in this aspect I find it hard to picture being any higher.

This leaves plenty of room for a myriad of books, blogs, coaches, and the like to sell you their thoroughly researched and success-guaranteed methods to achieve your true potential in bed. The paths they show are simple, actionable, and practical guides to a perfect sex life.

Not this one.

What’s above is a recount of my own personal path. If you don’t know me, I’m a recovering addict with years of history of porn overuse, performance anxiety problems, and erectile dysfunction. My path toward a satisfying sex life was everything but easy, and I would be out of my mind to suggest anyone starts it now. However, if you recognize yourself already lost in one of its steps, perhaps in this guide you’ll find your North Star.

The journey that leads to enjoying sex is a very personal and unique one — we all have our own. For those that struggle with porn addiction, this journey can be unusually difficult. If that’s your case, then this step-by-step guide is for you. I hope you could find in it not only a way out of your roadblocks, but also comfort in knowing that your pain is shared, and hope that you too will one day reach the light at the end of this dim and lonely tunnel.

 

Thanks for reading it! If you are currently struggling with sex, I hope this post gave you some hope that things can get better

 

It sure is.
I'm not sure if porn is to blame for everything in my case, because I also had a lot of performance anxiety back then, but I'm sure things would have been infinitely better hadn't I been addicted to porn for all those years...

Hope you are doing better these days!

 

Thank you guys for your encouraging words!
I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and I hope it personally helped you in one way or another