Marriage Vs. Abstaining From PMO

In my opinion, it goes without saying that -- when the time shall soon come that you will be blessed with a good wife and a healthy marriage -- it is well and proper to be intimate with your wife, and only with your wife.

And the natural and healthy sex-drive will serve as one incentive for you to do everything YOU can so that your wife will continue to want to be intimate with you, in a frequency and in a manner that will be mutually acceptable to both of you.

Sadly, in my case, I'm experiencing a marriage-crisis with a problem in exactly that area. My marriage is currently sex-less, forcing me to temporarily accept abstinence and to renew my premarital struggle with PMO.

So to summarize: abstinence from healthy and holy marital sex is NOT the goal. But abstinence from PMO is a goal!

 

I'm writing as a recovering PMO addict, who's got married last month. So, I can speak from experience. ;-)

First of all, I believe PMO addiction and real sex are barely in the same league... PMO addiction happens to be related to sexual imagery or surrogates (chat rooms, etc etc, you name it..) but what it is really about is the "rush" you get and the dopamine rollercoaster in your brain.

Of course there is a relation to the "real" world, but a natural, healthy, sexual relationship with your loved one is not and obstacle or a threat to your recovery. It's quite the opposite actually.

PMOing can of course have a negative effect on your real sex life, but don't go on believing that complete abstinence for life is the solution. You don't need to quit real sex forever to recover.

Also, as you say different cultures have different approaches to sexuality and a strict/religious background will make it even harder to rationalize and come to terms with PMO addiction issues.

With due respect to your beliefs and religion, try and make an effort to keep things separated. Face this problem as a problem alone, leave guilt, other people's judgement, and religion out of it. Try to see it as a fight against a pest, not a cultural war against yourself. You're not a maniac, you're not hurting anyone but yourself. It's for your own good that you're fighting your addiction and try not to inject any symbolic/religious value to failures (relapses).

Best of luck for your journey, mate!

 

Hey there - Great questions. First off let me say hats off to you for getting help now instead of after you meet someone or get married. In my case I didn't seek help until after I got married when my PMO addiction started causing problems with in my marriage and with my relationship with my wife.

I'm still struggling with my PMO addiction but will share some of my own experiences and what I have seen from some of the members of my 12 step fellowship. The drive that we feel in our PMO addiction is lust and the sex that we have with our wive's (or significant other) is intimacy. Lust and intimacy are not the same thing. The sex crazed description you gave is lust's craving for the next hit to cover up whatever it is that is making us uncomfortable (or celebrate being awesome). Intimacy is connecting with someone on a deeper level. I'm still working on the intimacy part and due to the wreckage my PMO addiction left in my marriage I've still got a ways to go before things are awesome but we are moving in that direction.

What I've seen from long term sober (PMO free) members in my 12 step program is that sex with your wife can be as fulfilling as you want it to be even more so. It isn't we're PMO free for awhile before we start seeing the changes in our lives but it does happen. Slips and relapses happen, even when your married. Just stay strong and stay on course and your life will improve.

As far as telling your future wife/girlfriend about your PMO addiction. That kind of depends on you and your struggles. When that time comes and you are still struggling being PMO free I'd be honest with her. Secrets feed the addiction and if she is supportive of your goal that can only help.

 

The result of intimacy is not pleasure. The result of intimacy is connecting with and knowing someone on a deeper level. The pleasure of sex can be part of that and usually is in a healthy relationship.

PMO is just after a the lust driven fix. It is possible for someone in a relationship to use their partner as a surrogate for PMO essentially as another way of getting that pleasure high. So I guess the complete response to your question is that if you are still hooked on PMO then yes it is possible that your sexual urges can be acted out through your partner. However, if you are no longer hooked and PMOing all the time then it is possible that you can separate the two.

You can see the difference in the success stories on this site. After so many days after PMO they start seeing and talking to women as people and not objects of pleasure or some other self center ideal. Once you're at the point where you are seeing women as people and not objects of pleasure my guess is that you will be able to work through what is real and what is just a PMO trigger. Give it time and let your head clear and reboot.