Ballbusting

@Reborn16 are you suggesting I fall into this fetish need when other things aren't going well? I just want to make sure I understand.

 

@Reborn16 ah okay I think we were on the same page actually, got it now for sure though.

And yeah I mean, with not having a job right now and such, I do have a lot of time for introspection... so instead of being desperate for stress relief, pleasure, whatever it is, and going for it under a time constraint and such... I can really think about when and why I end up wanting it, and if I go through with it, what it really did or did not do for me.

I have some ideas.

 

I’ve been thinking about this again lately. I think I know why though.

 

Replying to my own post here just to let you guys know I did successfully resist her. She stopped contacting me eventually maybe a week ago.

 

That said... last night I had a dream about a female relative stepping on my balls. I woke up really hard. Apparently this is buried pretty deep in my psyche. But thoughts are just thoughts, everyone has intrusive thoughts, I'm telling myself. As long as I don't act on them, PMO or seek out a domme and do something with her, I'm okay.

 

Maybe I should read that book.

I recently realized some issues with my parents that might be involved.

Mom: helicopter parent, overly concerned with my wellbeing and sure that if she controlled every aspect of my life I would be okay. Got highly anxious every time I was going to take any sort of risk (i.e. pursue reward) and totally emasculated me in the process. The whole thing would end up with me making sure she was okay afterwards, and feeling inadequate for not being able to make that happen.

Dad: absent or aggressive parent, basically thought I should suffer during my childhood as much as he did during his. If he gave me something, I was an asshole for receiving it. If I expressed needing something, I was a pussy and a spoiled brat for needing it. If I got something for myself, it was probably because I did something bad to get it or someone felt bad for me and gave it to me. Obsessed with "do it yourself" tough guy culture... but then also hated whenever I did accomplish anything. Accomplishing something better not make me think anything positive about myself, and if I was better at it than he was I was an arrogant asshole, if I was worse at it I would get picked on and made fun of.

Together: Overbearing mom prevents me from feeling like I had my own capability to do anything, dad picks on me for not being sure I know how... or... absent dad leaves me to figure out something myself and I do a pretty good job of it, but overbearing mom is hurt that I don't want her help and worried that I might get a little scratch or something... and then dad is furious at me for feeling like I've achieved something, developing some self-confidence.

So what does that mean for me now?

In friendships with other men, we have to have a ton in common or nothing at all... a lot to avoid competition between value systems, or nothing at all to avoid competition within a particular value system.

In romantic relationships with women: I take charge, put on a lot of charm, am Mr. Perfect for awhile it seems... but if that continues for too long she eventually thinks I"m a control freak and she can't relax / figures I'm hiding something... or if it goes on not long enough, it's because it implodes and I'm an anxious mess with fear of abandonment and wanting to know that she's okay, that it was good enough, etc.

Why is this in a ballbusting thread? Maybe because they don't call them the "family jewels" for nothing. Through the discussion on this thread and a lot of my own introspection, I realize that ballbusting fetish is misguided maintenance of my masculinity. Getting kicked in the balls either proves how manly I am or makes sure I'm not getting too manly. I guess...

 

@Reborn16

Thanks man, you've been really helpful on this thread. Glad we are talking and hopefully I've said something beneficial to you somewhere in here too. Male therapist... that's an idea.

 

Man, speaking of ballbusting... I'm getting a spiritual kick in the balls today it seems like. I just mean that in terms of the intensity of the situation, not that its end goal is pain.

I'm reliving old traumatic memories of physical and emotional abuse, I've been struggling with communications required of me today as a result, and to add to that my phone won't even charge properly right now...

This is rough. Maybe getting my balls kicked is just a way to control getting abused, which feels a notch better than having taken abuse I had no control over. At least I asked for it.

 

I actually just posted about this in another thread. Obviously it was short lived in my case, but I caught a glimpse of what can be.

Awhile back, 2016 or so I think... I met a girl. She was too young for me and various other professional matters got in the way, so we didn't end up dating or anything, but there was attraction and flirtation. At the time I was well into my ballbusting fetish. But this girl, she was a church going good girl, knew how to flirt and all of that but was still very innocent, very feminine, nurturing and kind. My car didn't have AC at the time and I had just been inland where it's blazing hot, so I was sweating and self-conscious about it... she read that right off me and said, "you smell good right now, what kind of cologne is that?"

Anyway, the point of all that... I could not for a second imagine this girl playing that role, kicking my balls. It just did not make sense with who she was and who I enjoyed her being. She showed me what I really wanted in a woman. It created this weird duality where sure, I still watched that kind of porn and felt urges once in awhile, but not around this girl. Nothing progressed with us, but I was sure that was the kind of girl I'd like to marry... and the idea of having ballbusting as part of our relationship just wasn't there.

So long story short, they do exist. There could be a girl out there who just activates a better part of your masculinity and makes your fetish a place you just don't go. If it lasts with her, maybe one day you never think about that fetish again. That's where I'd like to get.

 

The urge is back... after a day of low self-esteem, fighting with people (mostly women), and then feeling bad about how I acted. I've been trying to talk to this woman in her 40s who used to bust my balls when I was barely 18.

I wish I knew something else I could do when I feel like this, to feel like I was solving the problem.

 

I have trouble finding women like that. Lately I'm not pursuing anyone because I have pretty low self-esteem. The only chick I know who is like that who I would pursue is not single. She isn't married either, so I could still pursue her... but again, no self-esteem lately.